Cross dressing monkey, a rabbit with a war room, thrown in prison, with a maniacal laugh…it isn't even funny, just weird…in a non-edifying way. For example, NASA "Spelling first, space second." Is that funny? What does it even mean??
Did anyone laugh once while reading this??
Do you want other citizens in our society to be entertained by two male (only) characters obsessed with money and stealing it?? "One giant leap for making rabbit rich." Steeped in materialism and murder...are you kidding???
"The camera CUTS TO TIMMY. He has his finger stuck up his nose. The camera CUTS TO a close up of Mr. Anderson, he looks like a bigger timmy complete with finger up his nose."…(they later eat paste together)
Why did someone exchange time in their Life to write that????
"NASA is working on a cure for cooties." Really?
The monkey actually paints with "some poop grabbed from his butt"
Amazon wants to up the age for this because even the most tone deaf reviewer couldn't possibly imagine a sane parent encouraging their children to watch this garbage - but the question becomes, up the age for whom? Retarded convicts? Who will watch this? Why did Amazon reenforce this author with ten thousand dollars???
Obscene waste. Trash.
Hey Eric!
You had a lot of questions in your review! You seem pretty confused. I thought I'd answer the questions for you!
Q: Is that funny?
A: Yes, it is! Humor is an opinion, though! You might want to ask a few other people.
Q: What does it even mean??
A: You had two question marks here, so I think you're really confused about this one. It's a direct reference to a piece of dialogue that precedes it. You see, Astronaut Goldstar says that people forget the importance that NASA puts on spelling. Then we get a close up on the logo, where we learn that NASA's motto is “Spelling First. Space Second.” The joke is that you'd expect NASA to emphasize space travel, but instead they are emphasizing spelling! It's ironic and unexpected.
Context is pretty important. You can read more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Context_%28language_use%29
Q: Did anyone laugh once while reading this?
A: Yes. I did!
Q: Do you want other citizens in our society to be entertained by two male (only) characters obsessed with money and stealing it??
A: Again, you have two question marks. I assume you're very confused. I think the author wants citizens to be entertained, I don't know if she wants people who are not citizens to be entertained.
I don't think she only wants male characters entertaining society, though. I assume that's why there are female characters in the script!
I think lots of people (especially citizens) like stories about people stealing money! You might know that if some of the authors listed under your influences had written something recently! You should try some modern writers!
Q: Are you kidding???
A: Woah! Three question marks! You might want to lie down, Eric! I don't think the author is kidding. I also noticed you have a problem with stories about materialism and murder. You probably shouldn't read Shakespeare anymore! A lot of his characters commit murder for things they don't need!
Q: Why did someone exchange time in their Life to write that????
A: So many question marks! You might be wearing out that keyboard, buddy! I'm not sure why the author exchanged time in their Life to write this! I'm guessing it is because she wanted 10,000 dollars. You should try submitting projects on Amazon! Maybe you could make money! I don't know if you can make money just posting reviews.
Q: Really?
A: I doubt NASA is working on a cure for cooties. It isn't a real disease. Also, I doubt NASA would develop a cure for anything since it is an organization focused on space travel. I bet she is being ironic. You'd have to ask her, though.
Q: But the question becomes, up the age for whom?
A: I'm not sure! You'd have to ask someone who works for Amazon Studios!
Q: Retarded convicts?
A: I don't know if the target audience is retarded convicts. I don't think it is. You see, convicts would be a bad audience to target because they wouldn't be able to spend any money on products that they see in advertisements.
Q: Who will watch this?
A: I will! I think the author would watch it, as well. That's at least two! Not a bad start!
Q: Why did Amazon reenforce this author with ten thousand dollars???
A: Again, a lot of question marks. I hope you're not this confused in your every day life! They probably think they'll be able to make money selling the idea. I don't know if they will, I guess we'll see after they develop it and try to sell it! They are a very successful business, however. I bet they have a good eye for investments.
There you go, Eric. If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask!
some anonymous reviewer with the last name of "Coffee"???? LOL
that's funny!
script's not funny, neither's Paul Coffee, but
that must be because he's the author...
and that at least: is finally funny! : )
thanks for the laugh
You should also keep in mind that apparently this was originally submitted as a kids' show rather than an adult comedy. Different target audiences, different approaches. Now, the fact is, I think the concept could definitely work for adults, in a Pinky and the Brain or Invader Zim kind of way, and this is the Development Slate project I'd most like to see.
The values, the story, the basic premise - everything about this severely disappoints. It is horrible that anyone would spend their Life writing something like this. The writer can string coherent words together - but nothing about this story is redeeming.
Sorry to be blunt, but, seriously, why spend time creating something with no positive quality whatsoever? (And why are the two main characters male??)
//
If you had children would you really want them to watch this as it is now??? Do you want anyone to? I honestly think it will make viewers less intelligent. No kidding. At least ill-informed. I apologize, this isn't meant to be rude or personal - but anyone of whatever age viewing this would either have wasted half an hour of their life - if they are lucky - or risk actually being dumbed down.
Why write it?? Why attend Vassar to write about a monkey painting with crap pulled out of its ass? And a rabbit that's trying to kill it for money? What's the point?? Is that your Life?
___
It is probably in your interest to rewrite this, rather than start a new project. AS apparently either finds some potential in it, or, your writing in general. You can write. The Magic Monkey Billionaire Universe works. It's cool.
What is remotely redeeming though about emulating the Road Runner? http://www.google.com/search?q=road+runner+violence
The rabbit does not need to be an "evil genius" - it could try to direct Monkey's shallow interests to more socially worthwhile causes. Why not make both characters female? (It may help if each of the characters are female to avoid the monkey being "Mr. 1%" - although the rabbit could be male without reenforcing stereotypes...)
Rabbit could be appalled by a reckless spendthrift Monkey's shallow frivolous, wasteful prodigality - in the face of cool projects the kids in Rabbit's classroom could learn from…showing elaborate indulgences the Monkey dreams up, only to be foiled by the more socially responsible, intellectually curious, teacher rabbit, could be fun - and provide edifying commentary.
//
The monkey believing a zoo is a vacation is funny! Oh! 100s of monkeys in a test to create Hamlet is clever too! Rabbit shaving himself to keep from being caught is also funny! Monkey disease/vaccine - this is also good!
//
The MMB Universe is very imaginative, with solid potential. During the first part of the pilot basic financial responsibility and even the positive role of banks could be taught (add a female banker too please); in the second part meaningful NASA activities could be shown to encourage kids to follow their curiosity after the show...for example, this site could be tied in through placement within the episode itself: http://www.nasa.gov/audience/forkids/kidsclub/flash/index.html
There are a few quirks throughout (especially part 2) unnecessary to moving your story forward, for instance: the spinner rabbit, Bob Barker, Alex Trebek - why are these people here? your audience will probably not even know them...I don't understand their purpose, their arrival in the story, their entire sequence seems jarring...likewise the Arthur/NASA spelling sequences...these seem iike filler, distracting and unnecessary.
The entire General Ham - who your audience will also not know - scene could be replaced with something which actually shows why NASA and space exploration are intriguing and worthwhile.
//
Anyhow it's a coherent story (except for the Bob Barker/spelling sequences), and your dialogue flows naturally, but, it seems viewers could take away so much more, a positive learning experience. You can work hard to achieve this as a writer. This is your Life. With research and responsibility your writing can be improved…you can already tell a coherent narrative.
Good luck. When responding to the earlier "3D art style" post in these forums I had not yet read the script and would not have been so blunt after your "thanks" in that earlier post. I hope your rewrite after AS shares their own notes will lead to an improved version - you are capable of it. The entire MMB Universe is very, very imaginative - sometimes startling in its creativity.
yes upping the expected audience's age could make a marginal difference
still though for series like Pinky and the Brain, Invader Zim [unfamiliar with this], Road Runner, Tom and Jerry - it seems reasonable to ask, still: why would a person with such potential talent create such utter nonsense? What does it achieve? I'd rather rake loose change from beaches than spend a moment of Life reenforcing such negative behavior with a script like this - whether for adults or children. Why bother? And who are these adults? A bunch of illiterate potheads sitting in front of a TV all day? Our lives are worth more than entertaining such people at their level.
This script has potential. It is coherent and imaginative. Sure it could be on par with Pinky and the Brain - but why stop there? Why not make it meaningful? Positive, worthwhile?
A Participant says:
Eric, because that's your job.
And we will all enjoy your greatest and deepest thought provoking blockbuster of 4000 fathoms soon.
Until then, I'll try to avoid eating the spoon.
i was thinking it's theme was about greed. but is that enough? the simpsons have been on for so many years and their themes are oftentimes spot on with the way of the world. can we have a show that's all about money matters?
Who cares about your review of a review? And before you say "you did" I skipped after the first para as I saw it was script length.
Good grief. The guy didn't like it. You did.
It's crap. But what else is new around here?
no, no, no it isn't worthless - the author can write, this imaginary world is coherent and worth reframing...it would not take much to rewrite character motives as uplifting with a subtle moral message.
Ms 1% Monkey could be a pathologically self-indulgent comedic Cruella de Vil/Leona Helmsley type, cooking up outrageous imaginative Rube Goldbergian depravities...while witty Mr or Ms Rabbit could redirect Monkey's otherwise squandered resources toward cool interesting activities for kids in her classroom - which Ms. Monkey could come to see as fun too, at each show's end...without being saccharine, condescending or preaching
the scripts' problem is with pop-nihilism, specifically cheesy pointless action and its motives...the problem is not with the MMB Universe or the coherence stories within it; same critique can be applied to Pinky and the Brain, Tom and Jerry, Ren & Stimpy, etc., etc...why does anyone create such garbage??
Well what I can say about this project, is that I find really strange that the writer was thinking it was targeted for children with jokes such as "(Monkey) reaches down and grabs some poop from his butt and (paints)". It certainly feels that the creator of the show was a bit confused as to whom she was writing it for.
Speaking for myself, I can say that as a grownup I´M NOT INTERESTED in this kind of humor. This comedy style has already been exploited to the max in other products that are already out there, and as Erich Machmer writes, is not meaningful or relevant. Judging by the way is written in the pilot script, we can tell this project is just another shallow product of the junk food culture we live in.
This said however, it doesn't mean it couldn't be successful, an thus profitable.
I would say that the show has to be fine tuned in order to find the right niche for it.
Again, speaking as an adult, I'm not attracted with the general look in which this "mature" content is presented. I have to say that I was appealed by the character designs shown in the image of the project, but that was when I thought the show was "family oriented".
As an adult, I´m no attracted to a show with "mature content", presented in a visual style reminiscent to "the Fairly OddParents" or "the Powerpuff Girls". I have to say that I like my "Adult Swim" programming looking more like Cowboy Bebop, Boondocks, AeonFlux, Spawn or even Ren and Stimpy. Sincerely, I don´t find "Happy Tree Friends" entertaining.
Thinking as an adult I find appealing content with actual "content".
To be honest, your approach on this show is crude and simple. It feels more like "Rated R" slapstick.
In that sense, it would be closer to an animated jackass. But then again, that show seems to have been quite successful, just not a show I would enjoy.
There's much better stuff being submitted than this. I know being a reader is a thankless job but seriously... Amazon, you need to up your game. Seriously... Monkey's pulling poop from their butt to paint? Zombies and gladiators? Didn't the SyFy channel just make that?
Because it's entertainment for children. Reading your posts, you seem like one of those people who would get offended after watching a Speedy Gonzales cartoon. Personally, I believe that you shouldn't throw politics into a children's show, when you do, all you're doing is indoctrinating the child into your views than allowing the child to develop their own.
Overall your "fixes" seem to be derivative and lack imagination.
"we can tell this project is just another shallow product of the junk food culture we live in."
"To be honest, your approach on this show is crude and simple. It feels more like "Rated R" slapstick."
true, to be fair however the writer actually does have an intelligent sense of humor demonstrated in her blog about "being tall" (if you need dialogue for a stock character who happens to be a 'giantess' read that blog - and compensate/hire its author ; )
there is no question the writer can improve this script on many fronts - which, thankfully, is the intent of Amazon Studios' online approach to public criticism
this script's imaginative world is solid, coherent, and profitable...it just needs a few tweaks and uplifting, unapologetic positive polishing. the writer has the skills to do this
For example, check out this super cool well-funded kickstarter
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/airshipambassador/wollstonecraft
positive, intelligent, literate
I like the art style of that Kickstarter.
OMG this is WIERD and I would have to be on LSD to understand in=t.
