Kirwin Sullivan says:
First, the concept is marvelous. I don't think anyone can deny that. It is fresh, clever, sick, completely set up for comedy and mystery. It's one of those ideas where you go, "Damn, why didn't I think of that?"
I've read a few comments about your characters not being likeable. I agree to a certain degree, but with very minor tweaks I feel like it could be fixed. Such as, creating more sympathy for Mort, etc..
The only thing, I think, that could use an overhaul is the dialog. I found myself laughing more at situations, which were done very well, than at the dialog. I know that with animation a lot of the audience reactions are drawn from visuals. BUT, you have set up such a wonderful visual setting for your story that you can step back from that, I think. A few more kicks, jabs to the ribs via dialog would make your script fly -- I believe.
I had fun reading. Congratulations, and keep it up! Hope this helped, it is just an outsiders opinion. You've got a good command over your writing, try getting crazy with some dialog. Leave some jaw droppers in there. They are all characters worthy of being in hell, after all. Let them speak as such!
I've read a few comments about your characters not being likeable. I agree to a certain degree, but with very minor tweaks I feel like it could be fixed. Such as, creating more sympathy for Mort, etc..
The only thing, I think, that could use an overhaul is the dialog. I found myself laughing more at situations, which were done very well, than at the dialog. I know that with animation a lot of the audience reactions are drawn from visuals. BUT, you have set up such a wonderful visual setting for your story that you can step back from that, I think. A few more kicks, jabs to the ribs via dialog would make your script fly -- I believe.
I had fun reading. Congratulations, and keep it up! Hope this helped, it is just an outsiders opinion. You've got a good command over your writing, try getting crazy with some dialog. Leave some jaw droppers in there. They are all characters worthy of being in hell, after all. Let them speak as such!