We want your script to be the best that it can be, so we’re sharing with you the following feedback from our Story Department. This feedback is provided for informational use only, and is not in any way a request on our part for you to make changes in your screenplay.
Story Feedback: ROCK DADDY
Draft: 1
Writer: Chad Pennington
ROCK DADDY is a fun script with a great, consistent comedic tone, featuring two hilarious and quirky female leads in Kimmy and Reeves. The premise is a good one, a unique blend KNOCKED UP, JUNO, and GET HIM TO THE GREEK. The gross-out and stoner humor plays for good laughs throughout, and there are a lot of fun set-piece scenes.
While there are many promising aspects to the story, we feel that the script could be made even stronger by further refining the following:
• Kimmy as Protagonist
• Kimmy and Reeves
• Zander and Kimmy
• Plot Structure
KIMMY AS PROTAGONIST
We feel that the core of this story is Kimmy’s journey to grow up and become an adult after becoming pregnant. As currently written, Kimmy grows up quickly and without much difficulty, while Zander relapses multiple times. However, his struggle isn’t very satisfying because he is playing a familiar archetype: the rock star who is striving to get his life in order. We’d like to put the focus on Kimmy’s journey instead of Zander’s.
For an example, let’s look at BRIDESMAIDS. The protagonist is Kristen Wiig, and we follow her arc as she matures. Her best friend is Maya Rudolph, who is in the process of maturing herself as she gets married. Wiig’s love interest, the police officer, is a major character in the story, but really his character doesn’t change over the course of the movie. Wiig is forced to realize how she must change through the conflict with her best friend, Rudolph, and ultimately this leads to her getting together with the cop. We can try a similar dynamic in ROCK DADDY, where Kimmy struggles with the responsibilities thrust upon her; while Zander unexpectedly totally embraces the idea of being a father and is buying strollers, baby clothes, toys, etcetera. Then, nearing the end of the second act, KIMMY can be the one who “relapses” into immaturity. At this point, Reeves (their relationship having become more and more strained) confronts her and tells her to get her sh*t together.
KIMMY AND REEVES
Kimmy and Reeves’ relationship is a key part of this script, and we’d like to see it evolve in a bigger way. We love the easy familiar banter between these two; their stoned conversation about being each other’s stepmoms is both funny and endearing, snappy and clever. But we feel that the introduction of a pregnancy and a rock band into their modest small town lives would shake up their friendship, turn their lives upside down, and lead to more conflict between the two. As the pregnancy slowly forces Kimmy into a position of more responsibility, where she can’t drink, can’t smoke, can’t party, we’d like to show how this starts to erode their friendship. Maybe Reeves tries to abstain as well to support Kimmy, but just can’t do it. Think of the myriad situations a normal couple may have to deal with over the course of a pregnancy, and consider putting Reeves in the position of the presumptive father (assuming Zander’s absence). We could find humor in both a pregnant Kimmy trying to continue in her old lifestyle and Reeves trying to live the pregnancy lifestyle with Kimmy. There could also come a point when Reeves needs Kimmy to support her, and Kimmy is unavailable. Also, Reeves could be jealous of Kimmy – of her baby, of the attention, of the fact that she has a love interest. She’s losing her best friend to the abyss of adulthood, and she’s bound to resent it.
As written now, Kimmy and Reeves are somewhat listless by nature, and neither of them shows any personal goals, reducing the stakes in the story. The girls’ jobs as candy stripers are at risk, but we don’t get the sense that they really care (and not being able to come up with hospital fundraisers isn’t important to them, and wouldn’t be their job anyway). What’s really at stake is their friendship. As the pregnancy threatens to tear their friendship apart, we’d like to see how they ultimately come to realize that they need one other to get through their increasingly complicated lives.
ZANDER AND KIMMY
We’d like to consider showing more depth to Zander in a way that makes his character (and thus, his relationship) feel more authentic. In FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL and GET HIM TO THE GREEK, Russell Brand’s Aldous Snow is completely over the top and ridiculous, yet he has real solidity as a character. In one SARAH MARSHALL scene, Jason Segal is surfing with Russell Brand, and he wants to hate Russell for being the rock star cliché that stole his girlfriend, but Aldous is a shockingly down to earth, cool guy. So instead of following the archetype of the traditional rock star, consider turning the stereotype on its head and mining comedy out of the incongruities of rock stardom and fatherhood. We’d like you to get the audience to fall in love with Zander, rather than seeing him as a rock star parody.
As mentioned before, the pregnancy could catalyze Zander to eschew the hard-partying lifestyle and become a neurotic first-time father in waiting. Without going all the way over into broad characterization, he could become enthusiastic about dieting, Lamaze classes, baby clothes, and the like. His addiction to drugs could turn to addiction to baby name books. If Zander suddenly becomes a responsible adult, memorizing the pages “What To Expect When You’re Expecting,” it will only highlight Kimmy’s immaturity and how ill-prepared she is for motherhood.
An important moment where we can learn more about both Kimmy and Zander is the moment they first meet. What is it about Kimmy that attracts Zander? In most situations, the vomit-soaked girl would probably be the eligible rock star’s last choice for a companion. Consider that Kimmy (and Reeves) could do something clever or charming in that incident that sets them apart from all the other groupies, particularly of the non-puke-drenched variety. Zander’s ex-girl Velvet is an excellent tool to use as a contrast to Kimmy as for what Zander is looking for in a woman. As the movie progresses, we should get the sense that Kimmy and Zander really belong together.
Additionally, while Zander believes it is his unborn child that has become his musical muse, it’s more likely that Kimmy is actually the one who inspires him. Consider that there could be more moments where we truly see moments of inspiration. For instance, imagine a scene where the band is workshopping a song in the studio, a hard metal head-banger track that just won’t click. As Kimmy attempts to rest, the band’s thunderous sound disturbs her and the baby who kicks relentlessly in her belly. Kimmy could suggest that they play the song slowly, as if it were a lullaby. Suddenly, the song totally works, and the baby stops kicking and relaxes. Moments like this could more directly demonstrate the impact of Kimmy (and the baby’s) inspirational impact on the band.
Over the course of the second and third act, Zander should come to realize how important Kimmy is to him, not just as a creative tool, but also as a companion. Leading up to birth scene, the audience is never certain throughout the script that Kimmy and Zander should actually be together. If Zander demonstrates that his presence as a father figure is best for the baby and for Kimmy, the audience will root for them to be together in the end.
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Story Feedback: ROCK DADDY
Draft: 1
Writer: Chad Pennington
ROCK DADDY is a fun script with a great, consistent comedic tone, featuring two hilarious and quirky female leads in Kimmy and Reeves. The premise is a good one, a unique blend KNOCKED UP, JUNO, and GET HIM TO THE GREEK. The gross-out and stoner humor plays for good laughs throughout, and there are a lot of fun set-piece scenes.
While there are many promising aspects to the story, we feel that the script could be made even stronger by further refining the following:
• Kimmy as Protagonist
• Kimmy and Reeves
• Zander and Kimmy
• Plot Structure
KIMMY AS PROTAGONIST
We feel that the core of this story is Kimmy’s journey to grow up and become an adult after becoming pregnant. As currently written, Kimmy grows up quickly and without much difficulty, while Zander relapses multiple times. However, his struggle isn’t very satisfying because he is playing a familiar archetype: the rock star who is striving to get his life in order. We’d like to put the focus on Kimmy’s journey instead of Zander’s.
For an example, let’s look at BRIDESMAIDS. The protagonist is Kristen Wiig, and we follow her arc as she matures. Her best friend is Maya Rudolph, who is in the process of maturing herself as she gets married. Wiig’s love interest, the police officer, is a major character in the story, but really his character doesn’t change over the course of the movie. Wiig is forced to realize how she must change through the conflict with her best friend, Rudolph, and ultimately this leads to her getting together with the cop. We can try a similar dynamic in ROCK DADDY, where Kimmy struggles with the responsibilities thrust upon her; while Zander unexpectedly totally embraces the idea of being a father and is buying strollers, baby clothes, toys, etcetera. Then, nearing the end of the second act, KIMMY can be the one who “relapses” into immaturity. At this point, Reeves (their relationship having become more and more strained) confronts her and tells her to get her sh*t together.
KIMMY AND REEVES
Kimmy and Reeves’ relationship is a key part of this script, and we’d like to see it evolve in a bigger way. We love the easy familiar banter between these two; their stoned conversation about being each other’s stepmoms is both funny and endearing, snappy and clever. But we feel that the introduction of a pregnancy and a rock band into their modest small town lives would shake up their friendship, turn their lives upside down, and lead to more conflict between the two. As the pregnancy slowly forces Kimmy into a position of more responsibility, where she can’t drink, can’t smoke, can’t party, we’d like to show how this starts to erode their friendship. Maybe Reeves tries to abstain as well to support Kimmy, but just can’t do it. Think of the myriad situations a normal couple may have to deal with over the course of a pregnancy, and consider putting Reeves in the position of the presumptive father (assuming Zander’s absence). We could find humor in both a pregnant Kimmy trying to continue in her old lifestyle and Reeves trying to live the pregnancy lifestyle with Kimmy. There could also come a point when Reeves needs Kimmy to support her, and Kimmy is unavailable. Also, Reeves could be jealous of Kimmy – of her baby, of the attention, of the fact that she has a love interest. She’s losing her best friend to the abyss of adulthood, and she’s bound to resent it.
As written now, Kimmy and Reeves are somewhat listless by nature, and neither of them shows any personal goals, reducing the stakes in the story. The girls’ jobs as candy stripers are at risk, but we don’t get the sense that they really care (and not being able to come up with hospital fundraisers isn’t important to them, and wouldn’t be their job anyway). What’s really at stake is their friendship. As the pregnancy threatens to tear their friendship apart, we’d like to see how they ultimately come to realize that they need one other to get through their increasingly complicated lives.
ZANDER AND KIMMY
We’d like to consider showing more depth to Zander in a way that makes his character (and thus, his relationship) feel more authentic. In FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL and GET HIM TO THE GREEK, Russell Brand’s Aldous Snow is completely over the top and ridiculous, yet he has real solidity as a character. In one SARAH MARSHALL scene, Jason Segal is surfing with Russell Brand, and he wants to hate Russell for being the rock star cliché that stole his girlfriend, but Aldous is a shockingly down to earth, cool guy. So instead of following the archetype of the traditional rock star, consider turning the stereotype on its head and mining comedy out of the incongruities of rock stardom and fatherhood. We’d like you to get the audience to fall in love with Zander, rather than seeing him as a rock star parody.
As mentioned before, the pregnancy could catalyze Zander to eschew the hard-partying lifestyle and become a neurotic first-time father in waiting. Without going all the way over into broad characterization, he could become enthusiastic about dieting, Lamaze classes, baby clothes, and the like. His addiction to drugs could turn to addiction to baby name books. If Zander suddenly becomes a responsible adult, memorizing the pages “What To Expect When You’re Expecting,” it will only highlight Kimmy’s immaturity and how ill-prepared she is for motherhood.
An important moment where we can learn more about both Kimmy and Zander is the moment they first meet. What is it about Kimmy that attracts Zander? In most situations, the vomit-soaked girl would probably be the eligible rock star’s last choice for a companion. Consider that Kimmy (and Reeves) could do something clever or charming in that incident that sets them apart from all the other groupies, particularly of the non-puke-drenched variety. Zander’s ex-girl Velvet is an excellent tool to use as a contrast to Kimmy as for what Zander is looking for in a woman. As the movie progresses, we should get the sense that Kimmy and Zander really belong together.
Additionally, while Zander believes it is his unborn child that has become his musical muse, it’s more likely that Kimmy is actually the one who inspires him. Consider that there could be more moments where we truly see moments of inspiration. For instance, imagine a scene where the band is workshopping a song in the studio, a hard metal head-banger track that just won’t click. As Kimmy attempts to rest, the band’s thunderous sound disturbs her and the baby who kicks relentlessly in her belly. Kimmy could suggest that they play the song slowly, as if it were a lullaby. Suddenly, the song totally works, and the baby stops kicking and relaxes. Moments like this could more directly demonstrate the impact of Kimmy (and the baby’s) inspirational impact on the band.
Over the course of the second and third act, Zander should come to realize how important Kimmy is to him, not just as a creative tool, but also as a companion. Leading up to birth scene, the audience is never certain throughout the script that Kimmy and Zander should actually be together. If Zander demonstrates that his presence as a father figure is best for the baby and for Kimmy, the audience will root for them to be together in the end.
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