Review and Notes

Hey John, so first off I want to say that for a lot of things I've read here, I always get to a certain point where my eyes glaze over or I have to skim pages because it's just too much text at sections and slows me down so much. This did not happen with you, since you got to the point with the writing and didn't have chunks of text just stick out like a wall for any reader (from me, to you editing to a studio head) to be fored to read.

In terms of the idea, at first I was a bit I won't say confused, but not certain about the show but upon reading/seeing the mini-bible I became a fan since it's alost a genius idea, especially how you're willing to downplay the obvious references and flip them on their head such as when the guy goes "...hold on did you just see me appear here like magic?" -- "I'm not really awake yet"

Now for some notes:
--The first thing I noticed when reading was act one was seemingly taking forever, and while it was an interesting and I wanted to find out where you were going I was wondering why.

I found out when I saw it was in two-act format, which is a sitcom format, but I think kind of shoots you in the foot when it comes to rhythm and potential of where your script and dialogue can take you. For all I know amazon doesn't need any act breaks and don't hardcode commercial breaks, but the one thing I'd say that can help your narrative is seeing if there's a way to break it up into the three-act structure.

Let me explain why with my 2nd point, which is the A/B story, which I think will help convince why splitting it up a bit can help you out two-fold. The A-storyline is James trying to be convinced to kiss Charlene by the grandson Hal. There are several minor B-storylines that the structure I think doesn't allow for, but then makes all focus on the one story. The friend, Robert can be shown to be doing something as well as getting a haircut, as the b-storyline if you wanted; Charlene could be shown more, intercutting to her at times during the day, at work late, the next morning before work/the time travel etc...

The best way I could try to maybe explain this is:
Act one-Stars off normal with teaser/intro of characters, ends with Hal showing up in the kitchen/not awake joke...alright you got coffee.
Act Two-Intercut some more of the A/B storylines, since presumably Charlene is your lead female/wouldn't mind seeing more or even as I said giving Robert a bigger story. Ends with James finally being convinced/willing to try to go "Back in time". Maybe as a way to get some more movement Hal follows him around his house still arguing with some of the great dialogue but allowing us to see more of James surroundings and give it a little bit more movement.
Act Three-Starts with him "back in time", trying to see what's going on/if it's real but without getting caught. He sees something to tell everyone he is back in time, something maybe we saw earlier. He heads to the office where the kiss etc... happens, then end with where you end it with him back in the kitchen 30-minutes before work and can even leave it on a cliffhanger.

The reason I'm pushing for the three-act is because it seems like you say in your mini-bible a live-action sitcom with flashbacks and would benefit mightily from it, where as the two-act structure/longer scenes are more for Big Bang Theory and other multi-cam shows. This show is interesting and not multi-cam, that's why the only real negative I can draw on is all around one thing, where the dialogue is good but could be better maybe in a slightly different context etc...

I just think that right now I love the premise and idea and the potential, the dialogue is strong and there isn't a lot of text that sticks out which allows a reader to breeze through it much easier. I just think it's good now but could become great. The idea is there, and the one thing I want is obviously to get a job writing/get my show on air. The the thing I want immediately after that is if mine doesn't/can't be picked up then I want good ideas that have potential to become great, solid, tightly written pieces so that they are picked up and put on.

To quote Shawshank, "I wonder how much further you're willing to go"
Eric

Eric, thanks so much for your feedback. I appreciate it.

A few people have now told me that I take a bit too long to get to the time travel aspect and I have taken it on board. The first half of the episode does seem like a normal (if somewhat quirky) office dynamic... and then we seem to tack on the concept of time travel. Of course, this is not the case and I did need to set up the dynamic first.

I agree maybe the show should begin with Hal appearing and then perhaps a flashback to the day before...

By its very nature, there are so many things that happen and are mentioned in the pilot that are going to have a bearing on episodes to come... hopefully seemingly throwaway lines that make more sense in a different context later. For that reason, I am definitely loath to be losing some stuff from the script... but at the same time, I am open to shuffling some things around...

That's what I was thinking, John. It may be hard for most people to pick up on, but I figured spending that much time in the office at the start is to establish several incidents that can be touched upon in future episodes. Contrary to what a few people have said, you can't get in and out of the office in 3 minutes if the series revolves around retconning the events that were initially portrayed in the office. Hopefully people will start catching onto that.

I do agree with Eric about moving the conversation through the house. Perhaps while James is getting ready for work, he's sort of nonchalantly having this conversation with Hal. I can't believe I didn't think of that...

I have an idea about how to get the time time travel element closer to the beginning of the script and I am going to throw something together in the next day or so...