Hey Angel,
(sorry for my english)
First of all I would like to congratulate you for the big winning that is to be choosen to the Development Slate. I fell that you deserve this achivement.
So congratulations!
I'm here to give you my humble opinion about your script. Now that you're in development slate, probrably there are much better writers then me that is supporting you, but I guess that my thoughts can be useful somehow.
In general I did like your script.You create an original and amazaing story with a huge possibility to expand your series. You have a good writing skills and your english is amazing.
When I was reading your script I took some notes that I want to show you. So here it goes:
notes:
*I like the gag on the permission stuff with his mom, but I would use only 3 instead of four! I mean, the gag happens when you put the crazy permission after the normal ones, so when you use the toilet gag, you broke the logic and there is your gag! Than, when you use the bed permission (which position should I sleep), there is no more room for the hoje . So, my hint is to remove the permission ask when he is bed and simply let him say the intelligent (for the script): I am in Hell.
*I like the Hell description. But here a thought: You can create a Hell vision without soo much violence and gore stuff. I mean, it's a primetime comedy, so there is room for it, but if you can increase the range of people, I think it's better for the show.
*nice transitition to Hell.
*amazing scene at conference room. nice dialogues, nice touch of humor.
*congratulations on the character design, they're amazing.
*great funny parts. your show has a strong sense of humor and you always bring some gags to it.
*nice touch with the suicidal writers stuff.
That's it. Good job with your script and I wish you the best!
Artur
(sorry for my english)
First of all I would like to congratulate you for the big winning that is to be choosen to the Development Slate. I fell that you deserve this achivement.
So congratulations!
I'm here to give you my humble opinion about your script. Now that you're in development slate, probrably there are much better writers then me that is supporting you, but I guess that my thoughts can be useful somehow.
In general I did like your script.You create an original and amazaing story with a huge possibility to expand your series. You have a good writing skills and your english is amazing.
When I was reading your script I took some notes that I want to show you. So here it goes:
notes:
*I like the gag on the permission stuff with his mom, but I would use only 3 instead of four! I mean, the gag happens when you put the crazy permission after the normal ones, so when you use the toilet gag, you broke the logic and there is your gag! Than, when you use the bed permission (which position should I sleep), there is no more room for the hoje . So, my hint is to remove the permission ask when he is bed and simply let him say the intelligent (for the script): I am in Hell.
*I like the Hell description. But here a thought: You can create a Hell vision without soo much violence and gore stuff. I mean, it's a primetime comedy, so there is room for it, but if you can increase the range of people, I think it's better for the show.
*nice transitition to Hell.
*amazing scene at conference room. nice dialogues, nice touch of humor.
*congratulations on the character design, they're amazing.
*great funny parts. your show has a strong sense of humor and you always bring some gags to it.
*nice touch with the suicidal writers stuff.
That's it. Good job with your script and I wish you the best!
Artur