We want your script to be the best that it can be, so we’re sharing with you the following feedback from our Story Department. This feedback is provided for informational use only, and is not in any way a request on our part for you to make changes in your screenplay.
(notes continued...)
PLOT STRUCTURE
The plot could be streamlined by adjusting the placement of certain beats throughout the latter two thirds of the script. As the script is currently written, Kimmy doesn’t find out she’s pregnant until page 45. She informs her parents that she’s pregnant around page 50, and finally catches up with Zander at page 60. If these events happened earlier in the script, the meat of the story could get underway sooner and more time could be spent with the characters exploring their new situation. Doing this might mean trimming or cutting scenes that may be funny, but don’t contribute to the plot (like the car ride to the concert, or the meeting with the hospital executives). The sooner Zander finds out he’s having a baby, the more the script could spend time in the second act focusing on the obstacles the pregnancy presents to Kimmy, Reeves, Zander, and their relationships.
Also, the latter third of the script would benefit from a harder and a more focused low point. Kimmy is upset by Zander’s antics with the other coked up groupies, then she goes home to Ohio, then Zander comes to Ohio, but leaves shortly after his relapse with Velvet, then comes back again. Currently, there are too many moments, which waters down the emotional stakes. Consider that just when Kimmy finally thinks Zander might be a decent father figure, he disappoints her (or, given our other character notes, Kimmy could disappoint Zander). At this point, Kimmy and Reeves could experience conflict between the two of them, and bails on the tour alone, heading home to Ohio. Then Reeves, though still angry with Kimmy, could do her best-friend duty and convince Zander to come back to Ohio with her for the birth.
STRENGTHS:
• Great comic tone and pacing.
• Fun, creative characters.
• Solid hook and premise.
• Funny set pieces.
QUESTIONS:
• Could Kimmy’s arc be accentuated such that she becomes a stronger protagonist?
• Can the pregnancy put greater strain on Kimmy and Reeves’ friendship?
• Can we enhance the authenticity of Zander and Kimmy’s relationship?
• Can the plot be structured to maximize time spent on the richest elements of the story?
(notes continued...)
PLOT STRUCTURE
The plot could be streamlined by adjusting the placement of certain beats throughout the latter two thirds of the script. As the script is currently written, Kimmy doesn’t find out she’s pregnant until page 45. She informs her parents that she’s pregnant around page 50, and finally catches up with Zander at page 60. If these events happened earlier in the script, the meat of the story could get underway sooner and more time could be spent with the characters exploring their new situation. Doing this might mean trimming or cutting scenes that may be funny, but don’t contribute to the plot (like the car ride to the concert, or the meeting with the hospital executives). The sooner Zander finds out he’s having a baby, the more the script could spend time in the second act focusing on the obstacles the pregnancy presents to Kimmy, Reeves, Zander, and their relationships.
Also, the latter third of the script would benefit from a harder and a more focused low point. Kimmy is upset by Zander’s antics with the other coked up groupies, then she goes home to Ohio, then Zander comes to Ohio, but leaves shortly after his relapse with Velvet, then comes back again. Currently, there are too many moments, which waters down the emotional stakes. Consider that just when Kimmy finally thinks Zander might be a decent father figure, he disappoints her (or, given our other character notes, Kimmy could disappoint Zander). At this point, Kimmy and Reeves could experience conflict between the two of them, and bails on the tour alone, heading home to Ohio. Then Reeves, though still angry with Kimmy, could do her best-friend duty and convince Zander to come back to Ohio with her for the birth.
STRENGTHS:
• Great comic tone and pacing.
• Fun, creative characters.
• Solid hook and premise.
• Funny set pieces.
QUESTIONS:
• Could Kimmy’s arc be accentuated such that she becomes a stronger protagonist?
• Can the pregnancy put greater strain on Kimmy and Reeves’ friendship?
• Can we enhance the authenticity of Zander and Kimmy’s relationship?
• Can the plot be structured to maximize time spent on the richest elements of the story?