Would love your constructive criticism on how we can make MP better!
Thanks in advance for your input.
If I had to guess what got you on the Consider List, I'd say it's because your series bible presents a well thought-out world with neat characters and great lessons for children, but the writing of the pilot itself feels all-around flat.
The pilot is so short. Surely it's under 11 minutes. The bit where they're just exchanging facts about dragonflies back and forth really feels like a forced attempt to inject some educational content. I would say cut the facts down to ones that specifically serve the narrative.
I don't think this particular episode does a great job of showing off the world you created. I learned several fundamental things about your characters from reading the bible that just weren't utilized in the episode.
The bible got you on the Consider List, and I feel it's fully justified. Your pilot, however...I feel like you should start from scratch on it and try to incorporate more of what's in the bible.
Not very specific feedback. Sorry about that.
Thanks Justin, it's 11 minutes because for 1/2 hour cartoon shows- there are 2 segments with 4 minutes of commercials :D
What fundamental aspects about the characters from the bible do you think need to be carried over? The episode isn't an origin pilot, just a splice of how their missions usually go.
Really appreciate you taking the time to review it!
I know it's meant to be 11 minutes; I'm saying this is probably even shorter than that. Most of the other 11-minute scripts on here are closer to 20 pages. Also, I thought it was an origin story since Owlley and Mari discuss her origins while gluing to the cave.
For Mari, I think the big one is her ability to morph. Perhaps in this episode, she can change into a dragonfly to distract the real one while Owlley works on freeing the prisoners. They can discuss the weather and can learn about how colder weather makes it hard for dragonflies to fly.
For Owlley, I'd like to see his offbeat humor at least once in every episode. And since he's sort of a mentor for Mari, I feel he should offer more than just transportation to their investigation. Perhaps his past can account for why he'd be better at breaking out the prisoners and Mari is better suited for distracting the dragonfly.
This is all completely off the top of my head, but do you see what I'm getting at?
First off, congratulations on getting some interest from Amazon!
Now, my reactions- first, the good:
1) The artwork in your bible is spectacular! The vehicle designs are especially great!
2) The message of your show, as you outlined in your bible, is exactly the sort of thing I want my kids to watch.
3) Great world you've figured out! Clearly you've put a lot of thought into it, and it shows!
Now, the not-so-good:
1) The dialogue needs some humor. Right now there is a lot of clumsy exposition that feels forced, and doesn't hold my interest- particularly the story about how they met when they first take off. Also, the science parts don't mesh well , and take focus away from the great emotional agenda you've set forth in your bible. I say let the show be about teaching caring, empathy and kindness, and let other shows focus on the science curriculum.
2) Mari and Owlley really don't do anything to solve the problem- it feels like they are just passive observers, and it's the Storm Clouds and the Sea Monster that really let them escape. I think, especially since this episode needs to represent your show at it's best, Mari needs to be integral to saving the day.
3) Just a quibble- I think you should make it clear when the dragonfly reveals himself that he's shedding a costume. The first two times I read it, I thought he just turned into a dragonfly magically.
I think you've got a great foundation to build onto.
Love your ideas, Justin. Truly appreciate your input!
Mari changing form can make her less threatening, "walk in the shoes" of the dragonfly, sort of speak and we can make Owlley shine more. :)
Awesome insights. Glad to know what you thought when you read it. Totally need your point of view!