Feedback?

Thanks for taking the time to read our script. We'd love to hear the likes and dislikes any of you have.

Yes, if you have a couple of minutes, we'd love your feedback, for better or worse. Either in this thread or with a rating. Even if it's just a read of the mini-bible, much shorter at 5 pages. Thanks!

While we haven't received feedback here, yet, we appreciate the couple of folks who have read and rated the script.

I found a comedy script that actually had jokes in it. I really liked this script. You should take the time to read it. It's worth it.

This was a really funny script. It read like one of Bill Lawrence's shows (Scrubs, Cougar Town). Really smart and fast paced dialogue. I loved the line in the principal's office about it feeling like a Good Will Hunting moment and her throwing the apple at him - great stuff. The only reason I rated it one less star was because the third act felt like the pace slowed a little. Overall, this is a show I'd like to see. I wish the networks had more stuff like this.

Thanks for the input Jules & Mikael and for reading the full script.

Yes, Dan and I are big fans of Scrubs and that influence is definitely there, along with some Community and 30 Rock (I am a huge fan of Tina Fey).

Regarding the third act - we've done our absolute best with the pacing - as with most pilots, there is so much info to be conveyed - characters to be introduced, hints at future storylines, etc. And while we wrote this pilot to be as close to a standard ep as possible, it is also a 'premise' pilot too, so I think future episodes can be much tighter and focused on narrower storylines.

We've taken quite a bit of feedback (including full table reads with professional actors) in getting the script to this point.

And yours is greatly appreciated - if you have any specific suggestions on the pacing, please post it here or message us, that would be great! I think that's what AS is looking for from the community.

Thanks again!

Definitely! Thank you all for taking the time to download and read Subbin'.

Scrubs is a HUGE influence on it. (In earlier versions, there were more Scrubs-esque flashbacks/flash-aways...and we would say that Cooby and Janitor are definitely cut from the same cloth).

Read the script and the bible, and them both very much. I generally do not watch sitcoms but I would watch this, was very funny. LIked the premise, thought the jokes were hilarious.

This is really funny with lightning-quick jokes and don't worry about influences, just do your thing. Maybe too many Kardashian jokes--first worked, the rest trailed off. I liked the upcoming episodes and thought each offered something different--can't imagine you guys can't sell this. Well-done.

Check out my comedy PUTTER, it's a screenplay with a similar aesthetic, and it's on AS.

Nice work. (I never write reviews, but this was top-quality).

Lee

I really loved this and would watch the hell out of it in a heartbeat. While you cite Scrubs as an influence, I was getting a huge Psych vibe off of the show (which can never be considered a bad thing). I also liked the snarky phrasing used in the action paragraphs, even if it's not going to make it on-camera, it helps set a tone and mindset for the show.

Thanks Paul, Lee and Joe.

Lee, glad you like the possible eps - put a lot of thought into those.

Joe, don't watch Psych (already watch a ton of tv), but I'll have to check it out now. And thanks for noticing the 'style' of the writing - descrips, action, etc. - that is definitely intentional. We agree with you, it adds tone and that illusive 'voice', to distinguish our writing.

Alright boys...this was good. And the concept seems like it could grow into something very good. The Pilot was funny and the characters are pretty strong. Writing "teen" characters can be pretty tough and you guys puled it off. The dialogue seems natural and has a decent rhythm to it. Adding some "funny" into to the directions also made the script a fun read. Nice job.

Good job, I liked it. I think it has some good potential. Like mentioned earlier I could see the Scrubs influence in particular for the opening. For me I think the Cooby character is one who should be used sparingly. He's funny and all, but just seems like he could be too much in larger doses. I don't know if I like the pop culture references. They worked but felt kind of shoehorned in at points. I'm thinking of the Mentalist reference in particular, but that's just my opinion

I made it about five-pages into your script and I realized that it had promise, so I opened up another screen and decided to give you some script notes. Agree with them or disagree with them, I just wanted to give you something more than an “I like it dude”. I think it’s what these forums are for…to figure out what you could do to improve your script.

Now, I don’t claim to know it all, but I think I’ll make some valid points. This isn’t meant to be a NEGATIVE review in any way…I think your script was good. I’m just pointing out things I consider to be “flawed”...the same expectation I would have for someone reading my scripts.

So, here you go, and best of luck to you guys. You can e-mail me at mohammond@gmail.com if you want to talk more…I don’t frequent message boards.

TEASER:
When I was developing my own script, I looked at the Scrubs pilot script as well, and your opening scene almost rivals it (maybe too closely…particularly the last line where we find out he starts being a substitute in just 79 minutes…in “Scrubs”…he’s starting his first day in the hospital and doesn’t know jack). Maybe it’s not a big deal…and maybe I wouldn’t have even noticed it if I hadn’t read the discussions in the forum.

The dialogue between Ryan and Jade sets the tone for your series in that it’s very quick witted and lively. Excellent!

ACT I:

Okay, so right off the bat I really liked the way you guys used your words when describing things. You are excellent writers. The first page-worth of descriptions showcased this. Sometimes though, you have to be careful because the things you’re describing won’t translate well ON-SCREEN. An example of how it works well for a character is when you introduce Principal Faye…very descriptive, and a lot is told about her character through the outfit – 4/4. An example of when it doesn’t work so well is when you introduce COOBY (the blurb about the tattoos and being a fan of “Friends”…as descriptive as that is on paper…that wouldn’t be conveyed to an audience). Does that make sense?

Another example of things needing to be conveyed quicker to an audience – P.11 when he pieces together that he was with the Hopi tribe. He reads a quote on the wall that he’s supposed to be walking by. This couldn’t be translated to an audience quick enough, unless you had that quote ON-SCREEN for at least 5 seconds…that’s boring. Think of something that could be SEEN quicker: maybe there are posters that say: dream/HOPE/believe…then he glances at their mascot: a BEE? I’m throwing awful ideas out there, but I’m hoping concept is clear.

The scene you set at the end of act I (pages 11-12) are very well done.

ACT II

The students in the classroom were very colorful. I loved the dialogue.

Maybe I’m being naïve here, but I don’t think that kids nowadays would make references to 80’s movies (RE: Stand and Deliver)…and if they did, I don’t think everyone in the class would get it.

I love when dialogue meets visual humor (p.20 when Allison is grilling him about letting other kids leave the class. #GeorgeWashingtonMissing).

At the end of this act we finally get an explanation that Principal Faye likes Ryan and that’s why she’s been putting up with him and all of sarcastic quips. Prior to this point, it bothered me a little bit because I thought he was TOO cocky about his place…too many sarcastic comments that he was getting away with. Sure, they were funny…don’t get me wrong, but it just felt off-beat because I didn’t know until the end of this act, that she liked him, and they “had a past.”

Okay, so I was about to suggest that his stint in the school needed to be set-up in a previous act…but there it is…plain as can be on page 4…it just didn’t sink in. Maybe a little bit more reinforcement through actions. You’d think since he used to run this place, he’d feel a sense of entitlement (beyond just his sarcastic comments). Like when Cooby is frisking him, saying something like, Do you know who I am—pointing to his Football/Basketball Jersey’s that are framed…? Just something so idiots like myself have it sink in.

ACT III

This act was the weakest of the three. I was a bit disappointed. Again, this isn’t a testament to your humor, it was pretty funny…but there were several things that caused more questions:

1) Oh, hi Danny…didn’t even know you existed. You kind of just appeared…and I thought (seeing that you’re the older brother and all), you’d be running the show, but you’re just your brother’s *$(#@ it appears. What’s your role in the bar…part-owner, was it inherited, or did you just appear for a bit, bounce dialogue around and disappear? He needs to definitely come alive a little bit more. If he’s a weak character and let’s Ryan walk over him…let’s see it? Or maybe he just doesn’t care about the fate of the bar.

2) Pops was a hilarious character. I didn’t get what was going on in the bar-scene…well I thought I did…I thought Pops and Ryan were going to be each others’ wing-men and play drinking games…but Ryan is awake at 7:47 in the morning with lesson pans made. When I’m getting drunk and trying to get laid, lesson plans aren’t being made, and I’m definitely not going to be in work that early in the morning. Make sense? Not much realism there.

3) I was hoping to get a little bit more from Allison in this act. She just seems bitter here, and there’s no real justification for it. It’s been setup in the previous acts that there’s a *something between her and Ryan…but we never find out what. So all her hostility (which seemed alright in the first act—because she’s bitter that Ryan’s walking in there with no qualifications) just came across as very dislikeable in Act III. Moreover, her hostile demeanor didn’t fit right when she’s having dialogue with Principal Faye; I thought she was supposed to be Principal Faye’s “favorite,” but they seem to almost be arguing about Ryan.

4) Didn’t really understand the timing of Jade and Angie’s appearance at the bar. I thought they had a performance that night? Was this before or after the performance? If before, why would they get hammered If they took themselves seriously (and from the Teaser…it seems like Jade at least *thought* she was musically gifted). If it was after the show, then what’s Angie talking about the V-piercing was going to be a surprise for her boyfriend. Wouldn’t he be with her?

5) I never understood what was happening with Ryan’s character, RE: being a substitute. Was he supposed to be a permanent teacher now…if so, that’s not realistic at all? If he’s supposed to just sub for different classrooms in the school, that might make more sense. Whatever the case, there was no indication what was going on.

TAG
Not a fan of the Kardashian’s myself, in fact I don’t care for them too much at all. That being said, I don’t think that was the best joke to go out on.

Summary:
Overall your sense of humor and jokes were very on-point. Nicely done. Good comedic timing, pretty vivid scenes. Realistic dialogue. Good story arc…Character arc’s need to be revamped and a little more character development (describe above…I never like when “character development” is stated vaguely).

Overall I’d say 3/5 (rating would definitely improve with script modifications)

Mo,
Thanks for taking the extensive time to read and review the script. And this didn’t feel negative at all – it's constructive feedback like we’ve gotten from folks in our writing and film circles.

I’ll respond to your comments/notes here, first in general, then in more detail in a later post, to keep this thread going.
_____
Overall, my takeaway from your post is this needs more --- clarity --- especially in Act 3. And as a result, it detracts from the story’s main character arc. That is a very good note to hear, because if true, it’s something that needs to be improved.

----- I’d be curious if anyone else feels the same way. For those who may read this thread, when you get to Act 3, let us know if it’s confusing or has confusing elements, thanks! ----

I believe the character arc is there, with Act 3 the turning point - but it might be getting buried under so many character interactions and/or we left too much for the audience to ‘fill in’.

Here is that arc:
--- Act 1: Ryan cocky and self-assured
--- Act 2: Ryan taken down a few pegs by the kids and then his ex gf; in principal’s office, he briefly opens up about why he’s there and given a choice, shape up or give up like always
--- Act 3: Ryan is tempted (via two hot Sirens) to blow off his preparation for class, but uses his game skills (which we showed him using in class in Act 2) to ‘win’ and send the drunk girls home with Pops (we felt this was implied, happening off screen, hence the text photo from Pops)

So perhaps we didn’t do a good enough job of making the arc/events in Act 3 clear enough – I’ll give that a going through and see where we can make improvements – already thought of a few when reading your notes, btw…

[Again, if there are suggestions out there, please post, it’s always great to have fresh eyes/ideas on this]

I’ll note that the biggest balancing act we had was establishing all our character relationships (and showing future conflict) without bogging down the scenes with backstory.

One big decision regarding this… since the series is about Ryan’s journey, we felt it was more important in the pilot to show his relationships with all the characters, but not necessarily their POV of the relationship towards him, if that makes sense.

So for example, we learn of Ryan’s relationship with his ex-gf in snippets – in the old high school photo; in their argument in class; when talking with the Principal; and at the bar, when he’s reflecting on her note to him in the old yearbook.

But we never really see Ali having a ‘private moment’ of her own, nor does any other character, really – okay, two very quick scenes, one with the security guard, the other with Ali and the principal, but Ryan is in the vicinity of both. Almost everything centers on Ryan and his POV, at least in the pilot – that was a choice to get everything (from all the characters to establishing the school and bar) under 35 pages.

Mo, thanks again for your thorough review – some very good insight. I’ll respond to your more detailed notes in a later post.

Oh, one last thing though.

Re: the Teaser
Didn’t know that happened in the Scrubs pilot – I didn’t pick up the show until Season three and didn’t read the pilot (until I just downloaded it). The time thing is an inside nod to a short film we made in 2004 titled “6:41” and we wanted that as a clock shot to acknowledge our friends. Plus, it was just a real quick way to get the ‘premise’ part of the pilot out of the way early, by burying it in the Open with some character reveal. Really, just a coincidence or a Bill Lawrence mind-meld with us…

I don't know why this script isn't on the development slate; it's much better than many of the scripts there. The script was very funny, with numerous laugh-out-loud lines, and has a novel premise that has legs. I also like that it imparts expositional information visually rather than through a voice-over narrator.

I agree that it has the off-kilter feel of Scrubs, which is a good thing.

One challenge I see going ahead is explaining why Ryan has not matured more. Did he go to college? I can see that some of the comedy comes from his arrested development, but at the same time that immaturity makes him, to some extent, unlikable. Perhaps in the past he was on the path to becoming something but then got derailed. I don't know. But an explanation of his past (sometime in season 1) would be helpful, particularly if it casts his immaturity in a sympathetic light.

Hiya DS,
Thanks for the feedback and great comments. We really did try to match our dialogue with lots of visual humor and convey information through visual moments instead of exposition, so big thanks for that observation. Many readers skim the descriptions and they'd miss some of detailed character/story elements if they did.

The risk for the main character is exactly as you stated. He's kind of unlikeable – we see him as a Jeff Winger type, from Community – a selfish a-hole, who needs to change, but it’s going to happen very slowly.

Recognizing this, we made several choices to soften him in the pilot. He’s funny – that’s important. He sticks up for one of the kids when it appears the security guard made a racial slur (our save the cat moment). At the end of the pilot, he’s the one getting made fun of (helps build sympathy). And he helps an old man get laid. That should be a Boy Scout badge, or something.

But seriously, we agree with you, the season and the entire show is about Ryan doing something meaningful with his life, as opposed to living it ‘part time’. Subbin’ is both his job and a metaphor.

If you read our mini-bible, we do mature his character throughout the season, by connecting with one of the students and becoming more of an educator toward him.

As for Amazon, we are really happy to have been added to the Notable List. But, it appears that’s as far as the script will go. I don’t believe a single show or feature has been 'upgraded' from the Notable List to Development since they rebooted AS at the beginning of this year.

Ultimately, without notes from Amazon, we'd be taking a stab in the dark in making substantial changes to the script to get them re-interested.

We have taken some of the feedback above (and from non-Amazon folks) and made changes, but those are really more polishing type things, jokes changes and clarification.

We've concluded that Amazon liked the writing, and maybe thought the concept works as a series, but it's just not the type of show they wanted to develop - that just happens, a lot.