Bob Waldmiller says:
Loved the story, Rick.
A few suggestions:
Trish's flashbacks reference the year 1971 early in the script but then change to 1970 around page 54. I think 1970 is probably a good choice throughout given that the selective service laws were amended in 1971 allowing for conscientious objector status which might have influenced Kevin's choices.
Elmer Marlar's motives for not letting his daughter Janice run away with Kevin or why he hates Kevin so much are unclear. Perhaps if Elmer were established as a Korean War vet and consistently referred to Kevin as a "draft-dodging" bastard it would clear that up somewhat. Granted, Elmer is pretty irrational...probably emotionally disturbed after his daughter's death.
During the trial, Trish loses her composure and her logical train of thought. Calling Elmer to the witness stand made sense but her line of questioning doesn't. There are two people who can identify the murderer, Elmer and Trish. From her revelation, Trish knows Elmer was lying when he said he was at the bar but she never challenges his credibility. Instead she insults him and then accuses him as the murderer. For some reason, Elmer spills his guts even though his alibi is still reasonably intact. Since it was Elmer who fabricated the story that Kevin murdered Janice and had half the townspeople believing it, perhaps Trish should have just asked Elmer who murdered Janice. Elmer would have insisted it was Kevin to keep his alibi intact, but Trish could then challenge his credibility since he said he was at the bar. If Elmer's alibi were sound, there's no way he could have known who the killer was. She could have shown it as speculation; a fabrication without proof. That alone would have acquitted Kevin. Then there's the issue of the journal. Kevin was nowhere near Janice on July 19, 1970 yet Janice wrote, "Last night, I thought he might hurt me." All Trish needed to show was that Janice wasn't referring to Kevin in her journal entry but rather someone else she knows personally...someone she couldn't easily run away from. Then, when Trish drops her revelation in his lap, Elmer would certainly lose his composure and confess as he did; being caught in the lie.
Ben Long's narration at the end seems out of place. He didn't narrate any other part of the story, why should he narrate now? A cleaner ending might simply be having Kevin, Trish, and their three kids riding back to the cabin on horseback. FADE OUT.
--Bob
A few suggestions:
Trish's flashbacks reference the year 1971 early in the script but then change to 1970 around page 54. I think 1970 is probably a good choice throughout given that the selective service laws were amended in 1971 allowing for conscientious objector status which might have influenced Kevin's choices.
Elmer Marlar's motives for not letting his daughter Janice run away with Kevin or why he hates Kevin so much are unclear. Perhaps if Elmer were established as a Korean War vet and consistently referred to Kevin as a "draft-dodging" bastard it would clear that up somewhat. Granted, Elmer is pretty irrational...probably emotionally disturbed after his daughter's death.
During the trial, Trish loses her composure and her logical train of thought. Calling Elmer to the witness stand made sense but her line of questioning doesn't. There are two people who can identify the murderer, Elmer and Trish. From her revelation, Trish knows Elmer was lying when he said he was at the bar but she never challenges his credibility. Instead she insults him and then accuses him as the murderer. For some reason, Elmer spills his guts even though his alibi is still reasonably intact. Since it was Elmer who fabricated the story that Kevin murdered Janice and had half the townspeople believing it, perhaps Trish should have just asked Elmer who murdered Janice. Elmer would have insisted it was Kevin to keep his alibi intact, but Trish could then challenge his credibility since he said he was at the bar. If Elmer's alibi were sound, there's no way he could have known who the killer was. She could have shown it as speculation; a fabrication without proof. That alone would have acquitted Kevin. Then there's the issue of the journal. Kevin was nowhere near Janice on July 19, 1970 yet Janice wrote, "Last night, I thought he might hurt me." All Trish needed to show was that Janice wasn't referring to Kevin in her journal entry but rather someone else she knows personally...someone she couldn't easily run away from. Then, when Trish drops her revelation in his lap, Elmer would certainly lose his composure and confess as he did; being caught in the lie.
Ben Long's narration at the end seems out of place. He didn't narrate any other part of the story, why should he narrate now? A cleaner ending might simply be having Kevin, Trish, and their three kids riding back to the cabin on horseback. FADE OUT.
--Bob