Extremely dark, sadistic

I thought we could review the scripts on site, but it seems that reviews are limited to 200 words, so I'm posting my review here and in the project forum.

I read that another "one star" review was supposedly removed because the author complained. I don't know if that was the case, or was it removed because the reviewer quoted the script, which has some very "R-rated" contextual, sexual, material in it. So as a note, my review below has quotes taken directly from the pilot.

WOW, I thought the 100 deaths of mort grimley was about him dying a 100 times, or something like "Groundhog Day," but it's about a guy who kills himself, and then goes to hell and is "recruited" by demons to entice 100 people to kill themselves, and if he doesn't comply, then the "Demon Anal brigade" would be standing by with barbed-wired boxing gloves to "gang fist" his mother for all eternity.

Below is a direct quote from the script:

"BELPHEGOR
If you don’t comply, the Demon
Sodomy Brigade’s standing ready to
gang-fist Mommy Dearest with barbedwire
boxing gloves."

However, things take a REALLY dark turn when after presented with this scenario, Mort says:

"MORT
So, all I have to do is not get
people to kill themselves, and the
woman who ruined my life gets
brutally tortured forever.

BELPHEGOR
Yes.

MORT
(beat) Can I watch?"

So, right off the bat you have an unsympathetic, psychopathic main character that would want to see his mother brutally violated for all eternity, just for being a super nag.

It's not established WHY Mort's mother is deserving of eternal torture. She doesn't say, or do anything warranting Mort's undying and eternal hatred in the first 10 pages of the script before he kills himself. When she dies and first gets to hell, a demon tells her that she was a "terrible mother." Last time I checked, being a naggy, sour pus wasn't a mortal sin.

Sure, she's super bossy-naggy, sort of like Anne Ramsey's character in "Throw Momma from the Train," but she doesn't do anything REALLY bad enough for the audience to sympathize enough with Mort for him to kill her, or want her to suffer horrible torture for all eternity.

Then at the end of the script, Mort's mother manages to take over hell, so Mort is now in what can only be his own personal hell, inside of hell. Why would he continue with his "mission" now?

What is Mort's motivation now to continue on tricking/helping people to commit suicide now if he can't exact his unholy revenge on his own mother, and is now in a WORSE situation that what he had when he was alive?

Then the author also has Hemingway and Thompson in hell as "big fans of suicide," which neither of them were.

It is surmised that Hemingway lost his ability to write, along with his sanity after Electro-shock therapy in the early sixties. He was so far gone after the EST that the Catholic Church absolved him of his sin of suicide and allowed him a Catholic burial because he simply was gone mentally.

Hunter S. Thompson's suicide note seemed to mirror his own lamentation of life, and growing old.

But no, we quickly learned that it wasn't that pretty. He killed himself while talking on the phone with his wife, Anita. In the house with him were his son Juan, and his grandson. Not so honorable.

So in hell you get to drink and have drinking buddies? It doesn't make sense, and glamorizes suicide as something without any consequences, in this world, or the next.

Tim Burton did something similar to this with Beetlejuice, where anyone who committed suicide became a public servant in the afterlife. That's sort of what I was expecting, as I love dark comedies, but this is incredibly dark, sadistic, and simply not funny.

If Mort was a sympathetic character, a poor soul, but he's not. He's actually worse than Hannibal Lector. Mort gleefully accepts his role to trick and coerce people into killing themselves, with the payoff being he gets to see his mother violated with a "fist full of barbed wire" by demons for all eternity... You really can't get much more black-hearted evil than that.

At least Hannibal Lector had some sort of code, albeit deranged. Mort is an evil, and unsympathetic, and unlikeable character. So, in the end, we've got a main character that we don't like, and can't root for, in a situation where he causes misery and suicides. In the first assigned suicide, he brutally bludgeons a man to death with a lead pipe, and tries to pawn it off as a suicide. Where exactly does the comedy come in?

I surmise that after a short while that this project will simply end up in development hell and then drop off into "Consider-land."

I agree you hit on the nail.

Thoughts while reading the script:

use of too many adverbs…on first page alone: "sadly" "glumly" "faintly" "angrily" "sarcastically"…over-described, these ideas can be conveyed through better word choice

I appreciate your conscious effort to write colloquial English, as people really speak: "Over there's Mort Grimley." "Did you get 'em?"

"on our hands" is too clichéd a phrase, you are too good a writer for this...

Asmodeus LOL GREAT name!!…dress him in a tie, make him of the 1% : )

Yes!! Belphegor's a yuppie!! This is great!!

"quick on the draw" clichéd

"former vice-manager" of what? this could be a long ridiculous title : )

"Can I watch?" LOL!!!

//

No, I wouldn't have him kill himself with a gun. This will be too close to real life tragedies. Keep it funny. A semi-accident in a rare absurd situation would be better. You don't need the gun, that is an abrupt break in humor. Keep it witty, make his death something bizarre and comical - related to acting, his mom, or hell - which he accepts with a shrug at the last moment without thought, "Oh well, I didn't know how to live anyway." Basically he just caves, pushed over by life like his mom. That's fine, but to move from our witty protagonist who we were rooting for prior to this scene - to a guy with a gun in his mouth is jarring. Unnecessary to make your point...move the story forward. Keep it funny, sarcastic, witty, upbeat

//

"just the right combination of spineless and desperate" LOL…make Belphegor a bully

"Demon Sodomy Brigade…gloves" not funny, probably wouldn't make it onto TV…needs a more clever fun punishment (peppermint?)

"bunions are runny" ugh, not clever, not funny, no wit

//

First victim (grandpa) needs to be shown doing something before he is killed…just cutting to the death of an "innocent" old man isn't fun...you should break our sympathy for grandpa so we can continue cheering for Mort…maybe grandpa's just a dunce, washing dishes, whistling some naive tune, watering kitchen window flowers then "Wack!"

"Doodle-doodle-doot" : ) great, realistic, keep it light

"teaches thousands to believe that life is worth living" --> "teaches thousands to believe life's worth living"

"Whoa" expand such a verbal response, you're a good writer, this character can express more personality than just "Whoa"

"Jesus Christ!" might not want to use this as a curse, it will piss off some of your audience unnecessarily, doesn't add anything

"thank Hell" LOL

Their softball game and uniform could be more clever, customized for hell, etc

"Oh, man, this guy is going down!" Yes! the audience identifies with this - unlike the first case, grandpa, this one is well set up, Aaron's an asshole, he needs murdering

//

"We're all big fans of suicide" could substitute a more clever, fun phrase for this…likewise "More people should try killing themselves"…keep it fun, upbeat, ironic…why are Hemingway et al even in the story? They don't move the plot forward - and, as a previous reviewer mentioned, they make it less fun…tricking jerks into killing themselves - especially if Mort has a turn of heart but is ignored, callously dismissed - is fun, but, glorifying or highlighting suicide in general is not necessary to carry your story…make Mort always have a second doubt, a change of heart at the last moment - he could even try to convince his "victims" to change their ways, improve and redeem their lives, to no avail…potentially a very deep film but blunt statements like "more people should try" do not capture this depth

//

"Christ" again…seems like you have an axe to grind, doesn't achieve anything, story-wise or in the real world, just comes across as disrespectful and boorish…could be interesting and worthwhile for a number of reasons to expand "Hell" to include a synthesis of similar views of the afterlife from various other religions: Buddhism, Hinduism, some branches of Judaism, Islam, Zoroastrianism...wikipedia it

"C)…unbaptized babies" might be difficult for viewers to know they are unbaptized…just cute babies on a barbell for no apparent reason…substitute something else

"One mammon mammon, Two mammon mammon…"

Good clear quick storytelling. The best script I have read on Amazon. Real potential, expand it to a full length feature rather than a series…or write both formats together. This is a complex subject, be careful not to condone suicide, include Mort's longings to enjoy life, why we all do, what in life is worth living for…contrast this with his mother's domineering stifling of life. A full feature film may be the way to go…don't let this idea sit in development hell as a previous viewer sniped. It's clever witty writing. Good luck

I agree with you. You hit it on the nail.

also check out "The Screwtape Letters" I don't agree with its metaphysics/theology and don't expect you will either, but, you may find some aspects inspiring...also Ariel and Caliban in Shakespeare's The Tempest could serve as models for deepening your characters

not an awful performance:
http://www.screwtapeonstage.com/

Thank you, you hit something on the nail too.

Obviously.

D. Peterson is apparently going around agreeing with everyone. He agreed with my post and your post.

just messing with him ; )

Actually, if you check the "In response to an earlier post" link, both "hit on the nail" comments from D.Peterson are in response to N.J. Volt's initial post in this thread. N.J. Volt's argument must have been so compelling to D.Peterson that he or she had to agree 200%. ... Forgive me for finding this confusion irrationally hilarious.

This script is just too dark for me. AND being a cartoon doesn't make it better or more tolerable. Quite frankly, I didn't find it funny at all. Maybe because I couldn't get past the dark premise. I am surprised it made the list. Haha, I loved your point about dropping off the list into Consider-land.

@Jules Pilla
Well, I found it hilarious and this was my first 5/5. I predicted this would be the first script to be accepted to development slate.
I was right on the money and I hope I'm right on the money with my work as well :)

lets be honest, some people find Family Guy too risky...and others LOVE it!

People's opinions differ. And I like to think of Amazon Studios as knowing what they are doing :)

The development slate is to 'develop'. No to air it 'as is'. I think people are missing out on that point lol

For the record, I think this is a great script :)

I recognize and appreciate going "dark" and even "sadistic" - but I think if you do that in a so-called "dark comedy", your comedy has to be as funny as your dark is, well, dark. I don't know if this script gets there. I'm reminded of "Dead Like Me" a show I loved that was dark and dealt with death pretty deftly. Death is explored in such series as an allegory for life, as a time of reflection, or a point for catharsis. But under this premise, all that's gone and, as a result, there is no emotional ground from where laughs/laughter can grow. Cartoon or not, I don’t think it has the legs or reach to grab hold of an audience. And, and even bigger question, what type of advertiser would hitch their financial wagon to a suicide-promoting/glamorizing/lampooning cartoon? I think I see the germ of the idea Amazon Studios may want by adding this to their development slate, but as is, I have to agree with Volt, above – this isn’t the way to get there.

This script is HORRENDOUSLY written and I can't imagine really anyone ever reading it. It would work as a few shorts on YouTube, but not as a lasting serious. The story is a poor ripoff of Christopher Moore and the overall writing is just embarrassing.

You (on the other hand) are not in development slate :)

Just read the first two or three paragraphs of this diatribe.

It's black...HUMOR...and if you were to think about it really is worse to lure one hundred people to their deaths than the alternative as disgusting as that is. One hundred to one dude. And I should say that you trivialize the affect that domineering parents have on the lives of their offspring. It is possible to really dislike your parents. Not to say that she would deserve what the demon had proposed. But I guess if you end up in hell it's really not pleasant.

I thought I should add that I was commenting on nature of the review and not the merits of the story, which I haven't read yet. If it's true that Mort isn't given the opportunity to show some kind of likeability then that could be a real problem. Without some kind of redeeming quality in the main character then the audience is left only with the suicides. It seems like Mort will have to turn the tables on the demon at some point...reluctantly saving the old battle axe. :) it makes me think of the evil dogs in the movie "UP". The accidental defeat of their leader resulted in... I'm not sure what Mort would do once he became a demon prince but whatever...not my story.

I enjoy dark humor and don't mind going the script tiptoeing along the edge of some crude subjects...but just to emphasize on my review before since they are limited. Does anyone else feel that the premise of the show will get a bit repetitive? I mean, will people continually tune in just to see who Mort has to lure next? Seems a bit drab and boring after a handful of episodes and seems like it would take a lot to pivot the story away from this premise. The writing was well crafted, but the story is very one dimensional to me. I'll give it a chance to prove me wrong if they go all the way through with the production, just so long as it's nothing like that first promo video, that was truly awful. (the guy isn't an animator I know) Don't mean to sound negative, just giving an honest opinion of the story, not the writer.

If you re-read the author's original comments, you will see that the story is meant as an animation.

While this story could take any inspiration from "Tim Burton's BeetleJuice" as you say, I think the author's story is far more grounded in the realism that entertainment industry does not have to be about re-inventing the wheel, but rather about entertaining the audience. That is to say I find the story completely entertaining and although it is a dark story, there is plenty of light in the humor of it. So, you could see the quarkiness of Tim Burton's "Demon Barber" or even something in the way of "Edward Scissorhands". Since the author wants 3d animation via modern graphic arts, the look and feel of the story would be more akin to "James and the Giant Peach" or "Nightmare Before Christmas" or even "Ted".

The author is so good at his craft here that the story alone stands on its own, I did not need any visuals or trailer or otherwise to see the characters. So, the author has a true talent here and he was able to provide me, the audience, with a Willing Suspension of Disbelief. The manuscript has not pretense in it and sends the reader right into the story immediately with a scene cut into an office space starring the main character. Very good.

One of the first things to look for in a good writer of manuscripts is whether the author can spell and provide great grammar structure. The author has no run-on sentences in his script, the characters are well developed without being overdeveloped. Most scripts in their first run do not include producer notes and camera shots, but even those that were added by the author are not hard to grasp visually (such as when the author moves us from Mort's apartment down below the ground, rock and lava, and into hell, across a pit of lava and into a corporate structure), so again the reading was very easy.

So, I think you are getting your icons mixed up and I seriously doubt you would be commenting if you did not find the author's story about Mort to be disturbing enough for you to call out other movies you thoroughly were entertained by. This author has a real chance - regardless of Amazon Studios little 'premise wars' (fuck Premise Wars, by the way) - of doing whatever it is he has plans to do with Mort and his production.

I agree with this post. This author is the first writer I have responded / posted about here on Amazon Studios. I like the character name "Mort" which really drags in the reader audience. You wrote, "Good clear quick storytelling. The best script I have read on Amazon. Real potential, expand it to a full length feature rather than a series...or write both formats together." I agree.

You're clearly an idiot without talent. This story is amazing enough for you to comment on its stark and intended drabness. The story has grit enough for you to comment that you did not find it funny because of its glibness and "quite frankly"ness. Maybe your last name is why you can't get past the dark premise of hell being a corporation and a guy, Mort, wanting his mom to die and get fisted by demons who enjoy fisting with eternal barbed wires, mr. pilla. :D

Who writes the word "HORRENDOUS" (in all caps, no less) and then goes redundant on us stating nonsense, "but not as a lasting serious". Did you mean 'series' or are you just a shit writer on purpose? The story stands on its own and far too many people are enjoying the hell out of it without trailer and without further production. 'Nuff said.