Thoughts while reading the script:
use of too many adverbs…on first page alone: "sadly" "glumly" "faintly" "angrily" "sarcastically"…over-described, these ideas can be conveyed through better word choice
I appreciate your conscious effort to write colloquial English, as people really speak: "Over there's Mort Grimley." "Did you get 'em?"
"on our hands" is too clichéd a phrase, you are too good a writer for this...
Asmodeus LOL GREAT name!!…dress him in a tie, make him of the 1% : )
Yes!! Belphegor's a yuppie!! This is great!!
"quick on the draw" clichéd
"former vice-manager" of what? this could be a long ridiculous title : )
"Can I watch?" LOL!!!
No, I wouldn't have him kill himself with a gun. This will be too close to real life tragedies. Keep it funny. A semi-accident in a rare absurd situation would be better. You don't need the gun, that is an abrupt break in humor. Keep it witty, make his death something bizarre and comical - related to acting, his mom, or hell - which he accepts with a shrug at the last moment without thought, "Oh well, I didn't know how to live anyway." Basically he just caves, pushed over by life like his mom. That's fine, but to move from our witty protagonist who we were rooting for prior to this scene - to a guy with a gun in his mouth is jarring. Unnecessary to make your point...move the story forward. Keep it funny, sarcastic, witty, upbeat
"just the right combination of spineless and desperate" LOL…make Belphegor a bully
"Demon Sodomy Brigade…gloves" not funny, probably wouldn't make it onto TV…needs a more clever fun punishment (peppermint?)
"bunions are runny" ugh, not clever, not funny, no wit
First victim (grandpa) needs to be shown doing something before he is killed…just cutting to the death of an "innocent" old man isn't fun...you should break our sympathy for grandpa so we can continue cheering for Mort…maybe grandpa's just a dunce, washing dishes, whistling some naive tune, watering kitchen window flowers then "Wack!"
"Doodle-doodle-doot" : ) great, realistic, keep it light
"teaches thousands to believe that life is worth living" --> "teaches thousands to believe life's worth living"
"Whoa" expand such a verbal response, you're a good writer, this character can express more personality than just "Whoa"
"Jesus Christ!" might not want to use this as a curse, it will piss off some of your audience unnecessarily, doesn't add anything
"thank Hell" LOL
Their softball game and uniform could be more clever, customized for hell, etc
"Oh, man, this guy is going down!" Yes! the audience identifies with this - unlike the first case, grandpa, this one is well set up, Aaron's an asshole, he needs murdering
"We're all big fans of suicide" could substitute a more clever, fun phrase for this…likewise "More people should try killing themselves"…keep it fun, upbeat, ironic…why are Hemingway et al even in the story? They don't move the plot forward - and, as a previous reviewer mentioned, they make it less fun…tricking jerks into killing themselves - especially if Mort has a turn of heart but is ignored, callously dismissed - is fun, but, glorifying or highlighting suicide in general is not necessary to carry your story…make Mort always have a second doubt, a change of heart at the last moment - he could even try to convince his "victims" to change their ways, improve and redeem their lives, to no avail…potentially a very deep film but blunt statements like "more people should try" do not capture this depth
"Christ" again…seems like you have an axe to grind, doesn't achieve anything, story-wise or in the real world, just comes across as disrespectful and boorish…could be interesting and worthwhile for a number of reasons to expand "Hell" to include a synthesis of similar views of the afterlife from various other religions: Buddhism, Hinduism, some branches of Judaism, Islam, Zoroastrianism...wikipedia it
"C)…unbaptized babies" might be difficult for viewers to know they are unbaptized…just cute babies on a barbell for no apparent reason…substitute something else
"One mammon mammon, Two mammon mammon…"
Good clear quick storytelling. The best script I have read on Amazon. Real potential, expand it to a full length feature rather than a series…or write both formats together. This is a complex subject, be careful not to condone suicide, include Mort's longings to enjoy life, why we all do, what in life is worth living for…contrast this with his mother's domineering stifling of life. A full feature film may be the way to go…don't let this idea sit in development hell as a previous viewer sniped. It's clever witty writing. Good luck