Max James 2nd Pilot Script Review

First off guys, congrats on the script. I enjoyed reading it and believe there's some promise in it.

In terms of story, I thought the script flowed really well in the first half but then seemed to lose a bit of momentum after about page 19. Is this a pilot for a half hour sitcom - if so what do you plan to cut down to get it to about 22 pages? I think the second half is more drawn out and could be streamlined.

The character of Max James is potentially interesting, but I found him too much of a caricature and one dimensional. I would suggest adding a scene or two that shows his human side - whether it's showing his motivation for running for president or a private moment where we see his doubts or vulnerability. It would also help with his likeability.

The Alfred character to me is the most compelling and the most humorous. I would be interested to know what happens with him in future episodes. The other secondary characters - Alicia, Stacey, Norman and Zack seem somewhat non-distinctive and redundant. Either they must be developed more in subsequent episodes or consider combining them.

Lastly, the humor could be punched up. There were definitely some funny moments but also a lot of juvenile humor. What is your target audience? I've been out of college for a number of years, so maybe this would appeal mostly to the under 30 demographic.

Overall, I think it's a really good effort and I look forward to seeing how you progress on future drafts. Good luck!

Ashok

First, thank you for making your work public at Amazon Studios. It's a great opportunity to showcase our products and I enjoyed watching and reading your efforts.

I found 2 loglines while investigating Max James. I like your second Pilot Logline best because your characters are introduced in the Series Concept and so omitting them helps spotlight the heart of your story. You might also consider punching up Max's political craving and Alfred's new determination. To that end, consider any part of these Pilot Logline surrogates:

1. Self-righteous Max James insists on being university Student Body President. But when he pays all of his staff but his devoted right-hand suck-up, his campaign descends into universal Armageddon.

2. Sanctimonious Max James will do anything to be Student Body President. But when he pays all on his staff but his committed right-hand yes-man, he learns pay-backs can be hell.

3. Narcissist Max James will be Student Body President at any price. Including paying everyone around his campaign. Everyone but his once-devoted fumbling flunky who now has Max set in his sights.

Now, on to the 2nd shooting script:

The Teaser is fast paced and well written. Especially the dialog. And I loved the added conflict between Megan and Max brought to us by the DUI Interlock. Nice use of a script clock. Then Max's scene-ending response when saucy Megan's blow saves the moment, priceless. An entertaining injection right in the comedy vein of the successful 'Community' TV series.

Act 1
Max's usual positive summary of other's virtues ending in a derogatory judgment is Borderline Personality Disorder genius: you can't stand his sagacity but then you can relate too. Fun! And in the video, putting no-more suck-up Alfred on the steps reciting his water buffalo sum-up works best too, rather than during his bathroom fit as in the script. Because his bathroom meltdown deserves absolute spotlight. Memorable!

Act 2
The opening scene with Zack flipping through a magazine then answering his phone seems extraneous. Would it play better to begin with him and Norman in Max's office? Unless Zack's office scene plays better as an establishing shot. I dunno. I trust your judgment here.

Alfred's dorm room in disarray... love the ant farm and samurai sword. And up to this point, I wondered where were Margaret Thatcher and Hillary Clinton in all this? Good stuff! Enjoyed Alfred explaining How-To-Kidnap-For-Dummies too. There's one potential clean-up during the Max-Alfred exchange though: (beat; he goes to down to his knee at Alfred). Omit the first 'to' or reword.

If I may offer one suggestion, it is to tighten some beats on film. Edit slightly the reaction time between characters to quicken the pace and make dialog really snap. Think Community and Men TV series. Of course, and as always, I could be wrong.

Keep up the great work!

~Randy