Story Department says:
We want your script to be the best that it can be, so we’re sharing with you the following feedback from our Story Department. This feedback is provided for informational use only, and is not in any way a request on our part for you to make changes in your screenplay.
STORY FEEDBACK: DANCASTER’S PARDON
Draft: Ed’s Original Draft (Script 1)
Writer: Ed Gray
DANCASTER’S PARDON is a well-written, fun action-romance set in medieval times, in the tradition of such adventure-romances as ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES and the ZORRO films. Dancaster is a likeable rogue, an English womanizer who takes heroic action to storm and hold ransom a walled city in France in order to save the French woman he loves. With vivid characters, sexy scenes between two leads, and a number of dynamic battle sequences, this script has the potential to appeal to a wide audience.
While this draft has many strengths, we see several opportunities to help elevate it even further. First, we might look at deepening the character and relationship arcs. Second, we can examine some of the larger thematic threads of the story. And third, we might tighten and heighten the final battle and ransom sequences.
DANCASTER AND LUCY
The heart of this film is the relationship between Dancaster and Lucy. Both characters are departing from their usual M.O. by falling deeply in love with each other, and there is room here to more clearly define why this happens for each of them. Doing so will make the relationship resonate more deeply with the audience.
Dancaster is set up as a lighthearted playboy, who uses his seductive charms successfully and often. Lucy is – refreshingly – not a wilting flower in this department either, and suggests (perhaps with some bravado, but mostly, we believe her) that she has had her share of men. When they meet, there is an immediate attraction, and their seduction scenes are great – full of danger and daring, both funny and sexy. But soon, Lucy is proclaiming her love for Dancaster (and taking risks that seem to prove this is true), and he feels the same for her – but it is not immediately clear what each sees in the other that is so different from their past lovers. At first, we aren’t sure if Dancaster is setting Lucy up for a romantic fall, or thinking of using her to gain information for an escape attempt – but it ultimately seems that he is genuinely committed to her practically from the start. Why? What it is that makes each decide the other is their true love? It’s not that Lucy isn’t convincingly sexy and appealing – she is – but there needs to be more for us to believe such a rake is truly leaving his old ways behind. Now, this can evolve over the course of the film, as you show how the romance starts out as a sexy forbidden fling, but deepens into something more. Perhaps Dancaster has always said he would only stay with one woman if he found one with XYZ qualities (never expecting to find them), but then finds these qualities in Lucy? Or perhaps Dancaster displays behavior (kindness? empathy?) in front of Lucy that are such a stark contrast to her daily experience with the Sergeant and the other men she’s known that she falls for him immediately. Her feelings for her dead father could also come into play here; maybe Dancaster has certain qualities that remind her of her father. You might consider characterizing Dancaster as a man who loves women so much that he can’t pass up a fling, as opposed to a man who seduces women and discards them, like the Sergeant. In any case, it can be made clearer why they are attracted to each other on an emotional level.
Additionally, when Lucy is taken captive upon her return, and the rope is tossed down to Dancaster, it seems inappropriate that his reaction is to run back to Calais and plan a ransom effort that seems more about the money than the rescue of Lucy, particularly when we know – and Dancaster must suspect – that Lucy is being subjected to some seriously unpleasant treatment in Guines. Athough Dancaster’s efforts will ultimately result in freeing Lucy, it simply feels uncomfortable to see her being raped repeatedly while he is drinking with old friends and making plans. We wonder if there is a way to address this, perhaps by having him make more convincing attempts to break back into the castle – or perhaps by having Lucy assure him earlier that she will surely be able to charm her way out of serious punishment, or specifically urge him to flee back to Calais in order to regroup. You might also consider reducing the number of rape scenes; there are ways to indicate Lucy’s suffering without overwhelming the audience.
LARGER THEMES
We feel that there is an opportunity to give the film additional dimension by looking at its larger themes. What is this story about, beyond wanting to be with one’s true love? Can there be a larger thematic or political dimension to Dancaster’s motivations? This would help to broaden the film from something that is solely concerned with the protagonists’ personal affairs to a story that speaks to a larger idea, such as honor, revenge, freedom, or the furthering of a just cause.
In this film, because Dancaster is English and so aligned with the invading forces, it is a little tricky, because it is always easier to sympathize with the invaded rather than the invaders. However, we wonder if there might be a way to approach this by weaving in more of the background politics of the 100 Years War. For instance, Dancaster could go from being an unquestioning supporter of the English, to someone who learns that there is more to politics than meets the eye; if he learns that neither the English or French forces have acted honorably in their battles, he might feel justified in taking on a mercenary approach to the ransom of the town. Or, perhaps there is a way to align audience sympathies with the English case for their rightful claim to the (French) throne, and then to convincingly set up the importance of taking Guines in order to advance that cause?
RANSOMING THE CITY
As written now, the final battle and ransom effort is a little problematic. While the battle to take the inner castle is exciting and action-packed, what follows feels anticlimactic. Dancaster states his intention to ransom the castle to the highest bidder… and then we wait for both the English and French forces to arrive… and then he does exactly what he said he would do and ransoms it. All this takes about twenty pages, on the heels of the final battle sequence that felt like it was heralding the end of the film. It feels overly long.
Instead, we would love to see a final twist or reversal that surprises us and, if possible, ends the film sooner after the climax of the final battle. This might mean significantly condensing the final ransom sequence, or adding a second battle sequence so that there is a last injection of action and energy. While the outcome of the ransom is constrained somewhat by the outcome of the actual events, there might be a way to make it come as more of a surprise, or to have this outcome mean something more to Dancaster than it does now. Right now, it seems simply about the money for him, and although money would allow him to buy Lucy a farmhouse and live happily with her, it simply feels too selfish a goal to justify his actions. Perhaps there is a better way to frame his final actions so that the implications are more than simply personal.
(see part two)
STORY FEEDBACK: DANCASTER’S PARDON
Draft: Ed’s Original Draft (Script 1)
Writer: Ed Gray
DANCASTER’S PARDON is a well-written, fun action-romance set in medieval times, in the tradition of such adventure-romances as ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES and the ZORRO films. Dancaster is a likeable rogue, an English womanizer who takes heroic action to storm and hold ransom a walled city in France in order to save the French woman he loves. With vivid characters, sexy scenes between two leads, and a number of dynamic battle sequences, this script has the potential to appeal to a wide audience.
While this draft has many strengths, we see several opportunities to help elevate it even further. First, we might look at deepening the character and relationship arcs. Second, we can examine some of the larger thematic threads of the story. And third, we might tighten and heighten the final battle and ransom sequences.
DANCASTER AND LUCY
The heart of this film is the relationship between Dancaster and Lucy. Both characters are departing from their usual M.O. by falling deeply in love with each other, and there is room here to more clearly define why this happens for each of them. Doing so will make the relationship resonate more deeply with the audience.
Dancaster is set up as a lighthearted playboy, who uses his seductive charms successfully and often. Lucy is – refreshingly – not a wilting flower in this department either, and suggests (perhaps with some bravado, but mostly, we believe her) that she has had her share of men. When they meet, there is an immediate attraction, and their seduction scenes are great – full of danger and daring, both funny and sexy. But soon, Lucy is proclaiming her love for Dancaster (and taking risks that seem to prove this is true), and he feels the same for her – but it is not immediately clear what each sees in the other that is so different from their past lovers. At first, we aren’t sure if Dancaster is setting Lucy up for a romantic fall, or thinking of using her to gain information for an escape attempt – but it ultimately seems that he is genuinely committed to her practically from the start. Why? What it is that makes each decide the other is their true love? It’s not that Lucy isn’t convincingly sexy and appealing – she is – but there needs to be more for us to believe such a rake is truly leaving his old ways behind. Now, this can evolve over the course of the film, as you show how the romance starts out as a sexy forbidden fling, but deepens into something more. Perhaps Dancaster has always said he would only stay with one woman if he found one with XYZ qualities (never expecting to find them), but then finds these qualities in Lucy? Or perhaps Dancaster displays behavior (kindness? empathy?) in front of Lucy that are such a stark contrast to her daily experience with the Sergeant and the other men she’s known that she falls for him immediately. Her feelings for her dead father could also come into play here; maybe Dancaster has certain qualities that remind her of her father. You might consider characterizing Dancaster as a man who loves women so much that he can’t pass up a fling, as opposed to a man who seduces women and discards them, like the Sergeant. In any case, it can be made clearer why they are attracted to each other on an emotional level.
Additionally, when Lucy is taken captive upon her return, and the rope is tossed down to Dancaster, it seems inappropriate that his reaction is to run back to Calais and plan a ransom effort that seems more about the money than the rescue of Lucy, particularly when we know – and Dancaster must suspect – that Lucy is being subjected to some seriously unpleasant treatment in Guines. Athough Dancaster’s efforts will ultimately result in freeing Lucy, it simply feels uncomfortable to see her being raped repeatedly while he is drinking with old friends and making plans. We wonder if there is a way to address this, perhaps by having him make more convincing attempts to break back into the castle – or perhaps by having Lucy assure him earlier that she will surely be able to charm her way out of serious punishment, or specifically urge him to flee back to Calais in order to regroup. You might also consider reducing the number of rape scenes; there are ways to indicate Lucy’s suffering without overwhelming the audience.
LARGER THEMES
We feel that there is an opportunity to give the film additional dimension by looking at its larger themes. What is this story about, beyond wanting to be with one’s true love? Can there be a larger thematic or political dimension to Dancaster’s motivations? This would help to broaden the film from something that is solely concerned with the protagonists’ personal affairs to a story that speaks to a larger idea, such as honor, revenge, freedom, or the furthering of a just cause.
In this film, because Dancaster is English and so aligned with the invading forces, it is a little tricky, because it is always easier to sympathize with the invaded rather than the invaders. However, we wonder if there might be a way to approach this by weaving in more of the background politics of the 100 Years War. For instance, Dancaster could go from being an unquestioning supporter of the English, to someone who learns that there is more to politics than meets the eye; if he learns that neither the English or French forces have acted honorably in their battles, he might feel justified in taking on a mercenary approach to the ransom of the town. Or, perhaps there is a way to align audience sympathies with the English case for their rightful claim to the (French) throne, and then to convincingly set up the importance of taking Guines in order to advance that cause?
RANSOMING THE CITY
As written now, the final battle and ransom effort is a little problematic. While the battle to take the inner castle is exciting and action-packed, what follows feels anticlimactic. Dancaster states his intention to ransom the castle to the highest bidder… and then we wait for both the English and French forces to arrive… and then he does exactly what he said he would do and ransoms it. All this takes about twenty pages, on the heels of the final battle sequence that felt like it was heralding the end of the film. It feels overly long.
Instead, we would love to see a final twist or reversal that surprises us and, if possible, ends the film sooner after the climax of the final battle. This might mean significantly condensing the final ransom sequence, or adding a second battle sequence so that there is a last injection of action and energy. While the outcome of the ransom is constrained somewhat by the outcome of the actual events, there might be a way to make it come as more of a surprise, or to have this outcome mean something more to Dancaster than it does now. Right now, it seems simply about the money for him, and although money would allow him to buy Lucy a farmhouse and live happily with her, it simply feels too selfish a goal to justify his actions. Perhaps there is a better way to frame his final actions so that the implications are more than simply personal.
(see part two)
