Hi John,
I took a time to read your script and while I was reading I took some notes. Before laying them down here, I would like to say a few words about the show before the script.
First of all, you have a solid and original story here I would definitely keep improving it till you found some producer to made it (I read about your post on the forum). You have an amazing writing skills and a sharp humor that I would keep on the show.
Here lies my notes:
(Ps.:Since I'm not used to Primetime Comedy, maybe my thoughts are wrong, so feel free to just ignore them)
*a bit of talking head issue on the beggining (I'll explain my point later)
*nice jokes;
*I like the granson and father's talk;
*I could simplify some of the dialogues and place more action in some scenes. here is an example:
When Hal is talking to James, instead of:
"HAL
(rolls eyes)
I tell you what, you’re a lot more
open minded when you’re older.
JAMES
Right, okay. Let’s say for a moment
that I believe you. Why are you
here?"
I would use:
HAL
(roll eyes)
I tell you what, you’re a lot more
open minded when you’re older.
JAMES
Nice.
James get up of chair and walk to the other side of the kitchen to get more coffe.
HAL
I'm serious! Look, you're not even listening!
James is holding the button of the coffee pot, asleep. The cup get full and he burns his hand.
JAMES
OUCH!Dammit! Oh lord, Ok, Ok, kid... So, why are you here?
*I feel like you're losing a lot of good oportunities to place more jokes on your show... Since it's a primetime comedy there's room for gag every corner! I mean, you have a bunch of nice and intelligent jokes, but if there's space for more, I would place them!
*Once again, I would place more action. When he get the time machine, you can make him move around the room with it, almost drop the machine on the floor, shake it to see if it's real, search for buttons or something else... I feel that the series is too much frost and you can solve this by putting more action and jokes!
*Biiiig dialougues on the time machine scene...
*Nice JFK joke!
*A thought: Why don't you make a fast teleport to the past? It would add more action and can create another joke. I mean, something like after the JFK joke, Hal says: "to use the machine you must mentalize the place where you want to go and than you press this button. But to get ba..." James press the button and he is throwed to somewhere dangerous in the past and then he press insanely the button to get return to the present.
*Nice "creating a fan" gag.
So it's it. You have a great show here and I hope that I could be useful. I'll love to read your thoughts on my show when you get the time to take a look at my script.
Wish you the best luck on your project!
Artur
I took a time to read your script and while I was reading I took some notes. Before laying them down here, I would like to say a few words about the show before the script.
First of all, you have a solid and original story here I would definitely keep improving it till you found some producer to made it (I read about your post on the forum). You have an amazing writing skills and a sharp humor that I would keep on the show.
Here lies my notes:
(Ps.:Since I'm not used to Primetime Comedy, maybe my thoughts are wrong, so feel free to just ignore them)
*a bit of talking head issue on the beggining (I'll explain my point later)
*nice jokes;
*I like the granson and father's talk;
*I could simplify some of the dialogues and place more action in some scenes. here is an example:
When Hal is talking to James, instead of:
"HAL
(rolls eyes)
I tell you what, you’re a lot more
open minded when you’re older.
JAMES
Right, okay. Let’s say for a moment
that I believe you. Why are you
here?"
I would use:
HAL
(roll eyes)
I tell you what, you’re a lot more
open minded when you’re older.
JAMES
Nice.
James get up of chair and walk to the other side of the kitchen to get more coffe.
HAL
I'm serious! Look, you're not even listening!
James is holding the button of the coffee pot, asleep. The cup get full and he burns his hand.
JAMES
OUCH!Dammit! Oh lord, Ok, Ok, kid... So, why are you here?
*I feel like you're losing a lot of good oportunities to place more jokes on your show... Since it's a primetime comedy there's room for gag every corner! I mean, you have a bunch of nice and intelligent jokes, but if there's space for more, I would place them!
*Once again, I would place more action. When he get the time machine, you can make him move around the room with it, almost drop the machine on the floor, shake it to see if it's real, search for buttons or something else... I feel that the series is too much frost and you can solve this by putting more action and jokes!
*Biiiig dialougues on the time machine scene...
*Nice JFK joke!
*A thought: Why don't you make a fast teleport to the past? It would add more action and can create another joke. I mean, something like after the JFK joke, Hal says: "to use the machine you must mentalize the place where you want to go and than you press this button. But to get ba..." James press the button and he is throwed to somewhere dangerous in the past and then he press insanely the button to get return to the present.
*Nice "creating a fan" gag.
So it's it. You have a great show here and I hope that I could be useful. I'll love to read your thoughts on my show when you get the time to take a look at my script.
Wish you the best luck on your project!
Artur
