Love the concept, love the setup, love the characters. Love the blog idea for marketing.
Some feedback (and nits):
It's 'Principal' for the leader of a high school, not 'Principle' (in the synopsis)
You say it's network-language friendly, yet describe a character as an 'asshole'. I know this is the mini-bible, and not the script, but it's good to be consistent. Ditto with another guy described as 'horny'.
Cooby sounds fascinating, but the fact that he is taking medications that lead to hilarious side-effects might be network unfriendly. Nobody wants imitations. It might be better for it to be something else that leads him down that path, something that couldn't be imitated by 13 year olds (Age rating is 13+ after all). How about a weird allergy, or, for comedic effect, how about he was hypnotised as a child, and the hypnotist left before he could break the 'spell'. Now, whenever he smells chocolate (or whatever) the crazy effects kick in. Etc. Problem is, he's addicted to Cooby snacks, which of course, contain chocolate (but not Xanax or any other drug)
Some diversity in names might be nice -- you have Faye, Rae and 2 McShays. It's beginning to sound like the seven dwarves :)
I'm also bothered by the network-friendliness of a substitute teacher working in a --bar--. Perhaps it should be a coffee shop or something a little more 13+ appropriate? I don't see anything in the plot that necessitates it being a bar, so IMHO it should be easy to change. I also think that there's more comedy in having Nick being a regular at a coffee shop, which is less cliche than an old drunk in a bar...
And if this ever goes to series....you just *have* to let me write 'No man is an island Earth'... :)
Laurence,
Can’t thank you enough for reading/reviewing the Mini Bible. And for starting this discussion.
Glad you really liked the concept and characters – it definitely feels good when someone ‘gets’ the story and where it can go.
The network friendly thing is tough to gauge, as for me, I’m not even sure what it means any more. On a show like Parks N Rec, they say but bleep strong curse words and blur ‘horse erections’ – at 8:30. On Don’t Trust the B in Apt 23, a main character intentionally got an eleven-year-old drunk. And those shows are on NBC and ABC.
We put a few things (like asshole, shitty, etc.) in both the script and the mini-bible for both flavor – writing style/voice – and to demonstrate that we can edge the concept up or down, as needed - and equally important, that we’re flexible in that choice.
Because if we’re incredibly lucky and make it to development, they will request changes - we just don’t know if that will be to make it edgier or more family friendly – which might be a better description for what we’re talking about actually.
If we’re asked to tone down some things, like Cooby’s ‘drug’ addiction, I like your suggestions a lot. Finding a more silly or holistic substitute, which the --- principal --- still exploits, is great. Thanks for that.
We really like the bar and chose it because we wanted something that was blue collar – to contrast Ryan, a college educated kid, from this brother, who is exactly like their dad, a working man. That’s one of the themes we’ve built into the show, father and son conflicts – and why the old man who inhabits the bar is named ‘Pops’.
Plus, we wanted an ‘adult’ place we could go to, away from the school and the ‘kid’ stuff, somewhere Ryan would interact with his blue-collar brother regularly – a place of business just felt better than it being, say, home. We also liked the ability to introduce a variety of characters and storylines with the bar.
You’re right, this could be changed to a coffee shop, or something like it, but we’d lose the blue collar aspect that we really like (I come from a blue collar family, was the first to go to college, so there’s something personal for me in this – and where I grew up, there was a corner bar every few blocks!).
We do have a logic built into the story and characters, which we’re really proud of, and the bar/blue collar/college thing fits into a lot of it. But if we’re asked to change the bar, or even eliminate it, we’d change the characters and their backgrounds to make the new setting fit better.
I like discussions like this, as it challenges our thoughts and assumptions, and either reinforces our existing choices, or helps us see alternatives.
Your comments did both, so thanks again for the post.
And for the ‘Island” ep shout out – that’s one I thought of. Big fan of MST 3000.
Best of luck with your own projects.
Hi Christopher -- great feedback on my feedback! :)
FWIW -- I think that for a new writer trying to get into the scene, and with the competition that's out there, I think a pitch would have to be 'above reproach'.
Shows like Parks'n'Rec etc. are written by established writers and producers, who are given a little more leeway than we are :)
As for bars, I'm with you -- I grew up in Ireland where there were more bars than you would believe. Still...just thinking about what it would get this concept sold, and some things might have to be jettisoned as a result...sorry!
Of course, once it becomes a megahit (and it should), the coffee shop would go out of business thanks to Starbucks, and a bar would replace it. The clientele would be the same...kinda funny :)
For a prime time TV show I don't think the bar would be as big a problem. And after reading the script, I can't see how the Pops and Angie thing would work in a coffee shop! But in my opinion, your ideas work well together the way you have it set up, and you've set up a lot of good nuances between the characters to make for a ton of situations and sub-plots. Good premise and good ideas. I really, truly hope this gets picked up and made into a show.
Masoud,
Thanks for the comments! Really appreciate that you took the time to read the pilot/bible and that you enjoyed it.
We've got the show being picked up by AS on our Vision Board, so it has to happen, right? :-)
We agree with you about Pops/Angie - they would be difficult to translate to another location, as is. But the substance of those characters could travel and we'd have to rewrite their 'function' to the plot and other characters to make it work.
Maybe they'd have to be eliminated - always a tough choice in writing - but we cut what were initially key characters (a couple that were our main character's best friends in high school) in early drafts of this pilot.
What I think we've done well is to take the existing concept and integrate the locations and characters into it, creating, as you put it, nuanced relationships and histories, that will help generate storylines (needed for sustainable TV shows) that aren't dependent on the concept.
We're prepared to make changes, lots of them in fact, but it's probably going to be in response to a concept change, which would necessitate fundamental alterations to the locations and characters.
thanks again, Chris
Masoud,
Thanks for the comments! Really appreciate that you took the time to read the pilot/bible and that you enjoyed it.
We've got the show being picked up by AS on our Vision Board, so it has to happen, right? :-)
We agree with you about Pops/Angie - they would be difficult to translate to another location, as is. But the substance of those characters could travel and we'd have to rewrite their 'function' to the plot and other characters to make it work.
Maybe they'd have to be eliminated - always a tough choice in writing - but we cut what were initially key characters (a couple that were our main character's best friends in high school) in early drafts of this pilot.
What I think we've done well is to take the existing concept and integrate the locations and characters into it, creating, as you put it, nuanced relationships and histories, that will help generate storylines (needed for sustainable TV shows) that aren't dependent on the concept.
We're prepared to make changes, lots of them in fact, but it's probably going to be in response to a concept change, which would necessitate fundamental alterations to the locations and characters.
thanks again, Chris
didn't realize Allison is married while reading the script? (might add unnecessary complexity if that is the case...GREAT character though)
also, Ryan needs a male friend/sidekick who is not a family member or bar regular...maybe this is Norman?? who in any case could be introduced via the pilot
you guys might like "Support" in development and "Miles" on the notables slate...good luck
