Story Department says:
We want your script to be the best that it can be, so we’re sharing with you the following feedback from our Story Department. This feedback is provided for informational use only, and is not in any way a request on our part for you to make changes in your screenplay.
Title: Moving to Montana
Draft: Script 1
Writer: Adam Levine
Moving to Montana is a fun and engaging read. The light mood and quick wit of the writing effectively create the piece’s quirky tone, which is only enhanced by the whimsical path the story takes. The characters are vividly drawn, successfully eliciting the audience’s sympathies. Max is especially engaging, as his wise-beyond-his-years attitude keeps Joey in check and the audience on its toes. The quick pacing and comic tone keep the story moving nicely, especially as the pressure mounts in the third act as Theo closes in and Jenny fights for custody of Max. The audience is completely engrossed by that point, which makes the twist ending entirely effective. This is a very strong script that displays an original voice that jumps off the page.
While this script works well in its current state, we feel that there are several areas that could be strengthened to make it even more effective: the set-up of the premise, the internal logic of the narrative, and the emotional depth of the story.
SET-UP
We feel that the establishment of the story’s premise does not incite the action in the most compelling way possible. The legal details of Max’s custody situation can at times feel murky, which clouds the motivation for Joey and Max’s road trip. We wonder why the government wouldn’t be responsible for finding Melanie’s family, and if Joey and Melanie weren’t actually married, why Joey would be the beneficiary of Max’s inheritance. Some legal research could help clarify the necessity for the trip and get the script off on the right foot.
After the legal details are hammered out, let’s decide how to make the set-up propel the action in a more dynamic way. It almost feels as though the road trip is pre-ordained and not sufficiently motivated within the narrative. This feeling extends throughout much of the script as the story meanders a bit until the action picks up momentum with the reappearances of Theo and Jenny and the commencement of the climactic third act. We wonder if some kind of ticking clock or imminent danger commencing much earlier in the script could lend the story more urgency and thus make it more exciting for the characters – and hence, the audience – from start to finish. For example, what if Joey were to kidnap Max unbeknownst to him in an attempt to capture the inheritance money? Or, perhaps Theo could be chasing the father and son from the beginning of the trip, thus becoming a more consistent source of pressure propelling the narrative. Whatever the solution, raising the stakes in the first act will help drive the rest of the script.
INTERNAL LOGIC
While the twist ending of Max’s fantasy world being revealed is incredibly effective in surprising the audience in a satisfying way, we wonder whether it could be set up more effectively. Throughout the script, questions of believability arise in certain situations – Jane being left helpless while her car burns, Joey’s repeated coincidental run-ins with Mouse – and the audience might start to question the reality of the world. Consider letting the logic of the fantasy world created by Max break down as the story progresses. It may serve to engage the audience and eventually make them even more satisfied by the big reveal of the ending.
Additionally, because we learn eventually that all of the action has been taking place in Max’s head, the story’s focus on other characters (and scenes that don’t include Max) can seem inconsistent. We wonder if the action was told more purely from Max’s perspective, whether several positive outcomes might ensue: the fantasy logic could be more consistent and clear, the video game metaphor could be highlighted and strengthened, and the emotional depth of the story could be enhanced, as discussed below.
EMOTIONAL DEPTH
While Max is certainly an engaging protagonist, we wonder whether the audience could be made more aware of his emotional state throughout the story. How does Max feel about his mother’s death? What does he think of being placed in Joey’s care, and what does he ultimately want in this situation? These sort of basic questions about the protagonist’s mindset linger in the audience’s mind and distract from the flow of the story. The story really picks up and starts to flow more effectively once Max takes charge of the situation and steers the journey toward Montana. But that doesn’t happen until about halfway through the script, and the audience has already lost track of Max’s motivations and emotions much earlier in the action.
Another issue which seems to weaken the emotional potential of the story is the development of the supporting characters. Both Joey and Jane are well-conceived and entertaining, but there is a clear lack of depth to their inner lives. What do they both want and why? While it seems possible that the simplicity of the characterization is an intentional clue to the audience that these characters are merely Max’s fictional creations, that concept seems far from clear. If the audience knew more about Joey and Jane and saw them more clearly through Max’s eyes, we wonder if the story wouldn’t be more emotionally satisfying.
Strengths
• A quick-witted comic sensibility
• A whimsical, fresh, and quirky story
• An engaging and sympathetic lead character
• A surprising and effective twist ending
Questions
• How could the set up of the story drive the action more forcefully?
• How could the logic of the twist ending be justified in a more effective way?
• How could Max’s motivation be better explored, in order to heighten the emotional resonance of the story?
Title: Moving to Montana
Draft: Script 1
Writer: Adam Levine
Moving to Montana is a fun and engaging read. The light mood and quick wit of the writing effectively create the piece’s quirky tone, which is only enhanced by the whimsical path the story takes. The characters are vividly drawn, successfully eliciting the audience’s sympathies. Max is especially engaging, as his wise-beyond-his-years attitude keeps Joey in check and the audience on its toes. The quick pacing and comic tone keep the story moving nicely, especially as the pressure mounts in the third act as Theo closes in and Jenny fights for custody of Max. The audience is completely engrossed by that point, which makes the twist ending entirely effective. This is a very strong script that displays an original voice that jumps off the page.
While this script works well in its current state, we feel that there are several areas that could be strengthened to make it even more effective: the set-up of the premise, the internal logic of the narrative, and the emotional depth of the story.
SET-UP
We feel that the establishment of the story’s premise does not incite the action in the most compelling way possible. The legal details of Max’s custody situation can at times feel murky, which clouds the motivation for Joey and Max’s road trip. We wonder why the government wouldn’t be responsible for finding Melanie’s family, and if Joey and Melanie weren’t actually married, why Joey would be the beneficiary of Max’s inheritance. Some legal research could help clarify the necessity for the trip and get the script off on the right foot.
After the legal details are hammered out, let’s decide how to make the set-up propel the action in a more dynamic way. It almost feels as though the road trip is pre-ordained and not sufficiently motivated within the narrative. This feeling extends throughout much of the script as the story meanders a bit until the action picks up momentum with the reappearances of Theo and Jenny and the commencement of the climactic third act. We wonder if some kind of ticking clock or imminent danger commencing much earlier in the script could lend the story more urgency and thus make it more exciting for the characters – and hence, the audience – from start to finish. For example, what if Joey were to kidnap Max unbeknownst to him in an attempt to capture the inheritance money? Or, perhaps Theo could be chasing the father and son from the beginning of the trip, thus becoming a more consistent source of pressure propelling the narrative. Whatever the solution, raising the stakes in the first act will help drive the rest of the script.
INTERNAL LOGIC
While the twist ending of Max’s fantasy world being revealed is incredibly effective in surprising the audience in a satisfying way, we wonder whether it could be set up more effectively. Throughout the script, questions of believability arise in certain situations – Jane being left helpless while her car burns, Joey’s repeated coincidental run-ins with Mouse – and the audience might start to question the reality of the world. Consider letting the logic of the fantasy world created by Max break down as the story progresses. It may serve to engage the audience and eventually make them even more satisfied by the big reveal of the ending.
Additionally, because we learn eventually that all of the action has been taking place in Max’s head, the story’s focus on other characters (and scenes that don’t include Max) can seem inconsistent. We wonder if the action was told more purely from Max’s perspective, whether several positive outcomes might ensue: the fantasy logic could be more consistent and clear, the video game metaphor could be highlighted and strengthened, and the emotional depth of the story could be enhanced, as discussed below.
EMOTIONAL DEPTH
While Max is certainly an engaging protagonist, we wonder whether the audience could be made more aware of his emotional state throughout the story. How does Max feel about his mother’s death? What does he think of being placed in Joey’s care, and what does he ultimately want in this situation? These sort of basic questions about the protagonist’s mindset linger in the audience’s mind and distract from the flow of the story. The story really picks up and starts to flow more effectively once Max takes charge of the situation and steers the journey toward Montana. But that doesn’t happen until about halfway through the script, and the audience has already lost track of Max’s motivations and emotions much earlier in the action.
Another issue which seems to weaken the emotional potential of the story is the development of the supporting characters. Both Joey and Jane are well-conceived and entertaining, but there is a clear lack of depth to their inner lives. What do they both want and why? While it seems possible that the simplicity of the characterization is an intentional clue to the audience that these characters are merely Max’s fictional creations, that concept seems far from clear. If the audience knew more about Joey and Jane and saw them more clearly through Max’s eyes, we wonder if the story wouldn’t be more emotionally satisfying.
Strengths
• A quick-witted comic sensibility
• A whimsical, fresh, and quirky story
• An engaging and sympathetic lead character
• A surprising and effective twist ending
Questions
• How could the set up of the story drive the action more forcefully?
• How could the logic of the twist ending be justified in a more effective way?
• How could Max’s motivation be better explored, in order to heighten the emotional resonance of the story?