I'm seeing some scripts with LONG blocks of description. These are hard to wade through and often over-written.
Limiting description blocks to four lines (NOT four sentences) is not a "rule" but it is standard. Blocks can also be shorter -- a single line or even a single word.
Short blocks carry the reader's eye down the page faster and can energize a script.
Focusing each block on a single shot is a way of "directing" the script in the reader's head without using expressions like "ECU" and "POV."
The original ZvG script provides many good examples of how to do this.
Can Dan and any other pro readers weigh in on this?
A Participant says:
I completely agree with Lauri. And for an example of what she's saying, page through Glen's script (among others) to look at this specific issue she's bringing up.
It mostly limits itself to one or two lines but never goes over four.
Lauri says:
"Short blocks carry the reader's eye down the page faster and can energize a script."
I can't say it any better. This is exactly correct.
From Glen's ZvG script:
From the treeline, FOUR HORSEMEN emerge.
Titus backs away from the man.
The horsemen stop at the body.
DARIAN, late 30’s, dismounts and draws his sword.
DARIAN
Stand back.
Darian slices at the man’s head and severs it with one clean swipe of his sword.
This was possibly the most helpful piece of advice I've yet received. I did not know this formatting trick. It is also a surprisingly easy fix. When first I heard about it, I thought it meant that all scenes should be described in four lines which while not impossible sounds depressing. If anyone reads my current draft you'll notice the problem they are addressing.
Please feel free to look at it and notice how serious of an issue it is. When I present the second draft this problem will be addressed. I look forward to seeing the difference it makes.
Thanks again, Laurie! (Still keeping the speeches and dialogue blocks though ;~)
Is there such a thing as too little description?
Thomas - if it's unclear what's happening.
Ok but what if you keep say 70% of your description to two lines each. Is that too short? Will it mess up the pacing by reading too fast?
Find creative ways to break it up. If you have long speeches, use the characters movements that drive him along as a means to break up his long dialogue. For example. When you talk, the world doesn't stop. There are things going on around you that the audience needs to see. You may be the only one talking, but that doesn't mean you're the only one moving.
Also from my version:
Just before Titus exits, Lavinia turns to Titus.
LAVINIA
Is it true, then? Does a gladiator
have no feelings?
Titus stops and turns to her.
TITUS
Vengeance. Fear.
Titus walks to her.
TITUS (CONT’D)
Survival. Pain.
Titus stands directly in front of her.
TITUS (CONT’D)
Remorse.
Titus takes her hand.
TITUS (CONT’D)
Love. These are all feelings.
Titus places her hand on his heart.
TITUS (CONT’D)
A black heart would not beat. An
empty soul would have no
compassion.
After a short beat, they kiss.
See what I did there? Instead of giving my character a 20 line speech, I broke it up by showing his mannerisms.
Ever since the first mention of keeping description lines to 4 or less I've been sticking to it. Sometimes it is incredibly easy because I need only a few words. Sometimes it's really hard because I have all this information I WANT to share but doesn't NEED to be shared. Which would be the important distinction I've been making.
Also with that advice in mind and the fact that I'm working from a historical basis I've eliminated lots of what would have been descriptions by the simple fact that anyone can just go look up what the places I'm using looked like so anything that isn't important to my narrative gets ignored in my descriptions.
Also, I've just started on my "epic fight scene" which is pretty much the end of my script and the bit that's been in my head since I first had the idea, so with luck I'll have my draft up tomorrow or Saturday. No idea if I'll have enough time to smooth out the rough edges though.
Also, breaking up dialogue lets you show the other character(s) reacting to what's said instead of standing there like a stump while one person gives a speech.
Absolutely agree - white space on a page is good.
The trick with scene description to is use it effectively to match the pace of that particular scene. Two characters walking through the woods, building suspense, waiting for something to happen - you have more room to play with visuals, you can slow things down. Chase scene? Keep lines short, tight. Bang bang bang.
Good job Glenn. Maybe when he puts his hand on his heart then use love. Maybe like this...
Titus stops and turns to her.
TITUS
Anger. Vengeance.
Titus walks to her.
TITUS
Survival. Pain.
Titus stands directly in front of her.
TITUS
Remorse.
Titus takes her hand.
TITUS
Fear.
Titus places her hand on his heart.
TITUS
Love... A black heart could not beat. An
empty soul would not have passion.
After a moment, they kiss.
Actors hate it when writers 'micro direct' and all these actions seem to be "wryly"s -- parentheticals telling actors how to do their job. Think it's too much.
If you have more than 2-3 parentheticals in your whole script you should really look hard at them. I wrote a long post ages ago about this, but essentially says if your character is talking (angrily) use angry words; if they are talking (calmly) use calming words.
http://studios.amazon.com/discussions/Tx3SP5Z0N2FTI51
On the original topic, I just finished reading the shooting script for the Day of the Dead remake, and it's chock-full of massive paragraphs, detailed action, but I suspect this was written alongside a director, who is there planning his action sequences as well as the writer. It's hard to read through, but then at this stage, it's not really for the benefit of the reader.
"The figure stands motionless for a moment. Then charges
forward! A scream ERUPTS from Judy’s throat and she bolts
down the road. The man BEARS DOWN fast. Judy can’t outrun
him on the road. Desperate, she veers right and plunges into
the forest. Whimpering with fear, she frantically tears
through the woods. The man is right behind her. He swipes
out - almost grabbing her. Judy veers to the left - whipping
past trees. After running for what seems like forever, Judy
stops to catch her breath. It looks like she lost him. But
around her, the silhouetted trees cut threatening shapes in
the dark. The man could be hiding behind any of them."
http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/images/features/DOTD_final_draft_4142008.pdf
For a good example of sparse language, try the original Alien script by Walter Hill & David Giler.
INT. ENGINE ROOM
Empty, cavernous.
INT. ENGINE CUBICLE
Circular, jammed with instruments.
All of them idle.
Console chairs for two.
Empty.
INT. OILY CORRIDOR - "C" LEVEL
Long, dark.
Empty.
Turbos throbbing.
No other movement.
INT. CORRIDOR - "A" LEVEL
Long, empty.
INT. INFIRMARY - "A" LEVEL
Distressed ivory walls.
All instrumentation at rest.
INT. CORRIDOR TO BRIDGE - "A" LEVEL
Black, empty.
INT. BRIDGE
Vacant.
Two space helmets resting on chairs.
Electrical hum.
Lights on the helmets begin to signal one another.
Moments of silence.
A yellow light goes on.
Data mind bank in b.g.
Electronic hum.
A green light goes on in front of one helmet.
Electronic pulsing sounds.
A red light goes on in front of other helmet.
An electronic conversation ensues.
Reaches a crescendo.
Then silence.
The lights go off, save the yellow.
INT. CORRIDOR TO HYPERSLEEP VAULT
Lights come on.
Seven gowns hang from the curved wall.
Vault door opens.
INT. HYPERSLEEP VAULT
Explosion of escaping gas.
The lid on a freezer pops open.
Slowly, groggily, KANE sits up.
Pale.
Kane rubs the sleep from his eyes.
Stands.
Looks around.
Stretches.
Looks at the other freezer compartments.
Scratches.
Moves off.
INT. GALLEY
Kane plugs in a Silex.
Lights a cigarette.
Coughs.
Grinds some coffee beans.
Runs some water through.
KANE
Rise and shine, Lambert.
http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/alien_shooting.html
Maybe actors do hate parentheticals but they serve a purpose. They help convey what the writer is thinking as to the tone of the scene and the delivery.
And those concepts need to be conveyed first to the Producer and the Director.
Actors come later... if you are lucky.
This is great advice. I wish I had the chance to read this BEFORE I finished my script. Time constraints. Still, I'll be sure to apply it in the future...
"If you have more than 2-3 parentheticals in your whole script you should really look hard at them."
I use them sometimes for short action descriptions and to identify who the actor is speaking to if it is not clear. I do occasionally us them to convey the tone of the phrase, but also if that is unclear, as in use of sub-textural dialog where the tone is unclear, but may convey the necessary subtext message.
the actor should already know and understand the character and therefore have the freedom to do their job just like anybody else in the production. i suggest you only use parentheticals when what the actor is doing conflicts with what they're saying. ie - if a guy screams angrily into the phone to a girlfriend who just left him you might want to indicate that when what he screams is "I love you!"
bard - you still have time to go back and break up your lengthy action paragraphs and trim down that dialogue. you could easily cut 10 pages from your script and make it a faster read; something we all should strive for -- a faster read.
"the actor should already know and understand the character and therefore have the freedom to do their job just like anybody else in the production."
understanding a character doesn't tell the reader how a character feels about another character the first time they encounter each other on or off screen.
For instance I had a character greet another character with one word: "General." Without knowing how that character feels about the General the actor would have no idea how to say that one word. The subtext is not clear in the dialog other than the fact that she does not expand the comment. So I added the parenthetical (coolly), if she liked him it could be delivered cordially, pleasantly, etc. It does become clear later, but if you have to go back in your mind, you are not moving forward.
I think it is far better to put the information in and let the actors/director choose to ignore it rather than omit the information and make them have to figure it out.
I have over ninety parentheticals. Admittedly that is a lot, but as I said, I use them for describing short action phrases: (indicates the body). I also have at least 10 that tell of foreign language use and subtitles use: (in African). Many tell who the character is talking to if it is not apparent (to Fabius).
The ones I can see going away are a couple of (pause) (shouts) where the words make it clear. I have already used a lot of ellipses in lieu of (pause) may do that with the remaining ones.
I've acted and directed plays. I understand the futility of stage directions and wrylies, but I also know when they help.
Sarcasm and other forms of subtext can be very unclear if not indicated how it is said.
All that said, yeah, over ninety is a lot. I posted the rough draft, a good half of them may go away in a later draft.
Thanks, Lisa. I'll see if I can apply a little nip/tuck in time.
still have to disagree with you DD. when a movie goes into production every actor and the director knows exactly what's going on with each character. oftentimes, while the production staff and crew is setting things up the actors spend every day doing table reads and other such preparation. they don't start shooting it like a blind reading. they also don't shoot scenes sequentially. they shoot according to location -- every scene in one location regardless of where it is in the story. then they move onto the next location and shoot every scene in that one. this is why they must all know how that character feels and how that character should react long before they start shooting.
Feel free to read mine and let me know which ones you think can come out. I still have time and internet (hurricane Irene may change that) and maybe I can get them changed if I agree.
Here is one example from my script of where wrylies are necessary to understand my intention.
A fourth warrior is shoved inside; a fresh-faced kid named LUCIUS. He sees Octavius and, mistakes him for Fabius. He kneels in respect.
LUCIUS
(to Octavius)
Hail, Fabius. Mighty gladiator...
FABIUS
Who the hell are you?
LUCIUS
I wasn’t talking to you.
Octavius starts to object, but Marcus raises his hand to silence him. Fabius reaches for his sword, but Marcus touches his hand and he slides the blade back down.
MARCUS
(bows ceremoniously)
I beg you forgive my friend. He is an imbecile from birth.
Fabius glares at Marcus.
LUCIUS
(again to Octavius)
Great Fabius. They say you hand out death like Mars himself.
Marcus smiles and winks at Fabius.
MARCUS
Oh yes. He seriously spanks some gladiator ass.
Fabius grins at this.
LUCIUS
Look, I’m warning you two...
Octavius points at Fabius.
OCTAVIUS
He is Fabius.
Fabius turns his arm so Lucius can see his tattoos.
Without the wrylies this would seem like I made a mistake in character call outs but really it is an example of subtext to build character. The fact that the amazing swordsman Fabius (my Titus) doesn't appear to be the great gladiator he is.
okay - read until i reached your example here... which is okay.
this is what i suggest:
p. 1 move TITLE. (Cannibal Territory) to the point right after Arrius runs into the cooking hut
p. 2 and beyond -- don't need any (African dialog) b/c you have it written out in African already.
you can probably knock out 4 pages if you have this throughout the entire script.
p. 3 cut "A sort of" and next sentence "scouraged" is redundant. we just saw him get whipped.
p. 6 cut (indicating the body)
question -- why would they bring and document a "decomposing body" on a ship from Africa to Rome? they shouldn't know what's in the crate. or maybe it's a tribune who was attacked and they bring him home for burial. but honestly they would throw any dead bodies overboard.
p. 7 you could cut the subtitles. the first one b/c he's looking at the Africans when he speaks and we can figure out what he's asking without them from his posturing.
p. 8 these subtitles are examples of "on-the-nose" dialogue. we don't need them. we understand what's going on and because it's a zombie movie the audience knows what it is already.
in dialogue: Fabius... (pause) Fabius -- is redundant. cut the (pause). leave the ...
hope this helps. keep in mind it's only a suggestion. but it will definitely make your script a faster read and 124 pages is too long IMO.
