I've been applying some of your suggestions.
"p. 6 cut (indicating the body)
question -- why would they bring and document a "decomposing body" on a ship from Africa to Rome? they shouldn't know what's in the crate. or maybe it's a tribune who was attacked and they bring him home for burial. but honestly they would throw any dead bodies overboard."
He says:
SCEPARNIO
I thought...Gather everything in this room... even that.
(indicating the body)
Nail it in a crate. We’re to take it all.
In other words, he was ordered to bring back anything he found in the tomb. Including the body.
I have taken out most of the (African) wrylies. I was debating about those.
Thanks for the look.
David -- "(indicates the body)" is wrong in terms of spec screenwriting. It's a major no-no, in fact.
You see pros occasionally get away with it, but every agent, manager, pro-writer I've heard from, or every guru book I've read tells you under no circumstances do new writers with specs use actions within parentheticals.
(bows ceremoniously) should be a line of action "Marcus bows ceremoniously" followed by his line.
I'd say if you're in a group and someone is addressing someone different then you can get away with it occasionally.
And (sarcastically) is another that's hard to leave out.
I think I've used four in my ZvG rewrite, but that's more than usual. And I might cut a couple before my upload. One that stands out is when someone is speaking angrily to a room of senators, then addresses a dying man, and I felt the need to use (softly) in his next words because it wasn't a particularly soft-sounding passage. If I can come up with a way of softening the dialogue before the deadline I will.
Languages are a judgement call, no set rule as far as I know. Early on in one of my scripts (not ZvG) I wrote "Mr X speaks in [German]" then whenever he's speaking in German I'll [block his dialogue like this]. If I want it subtitled I'll just write "Subtitled:" in the action space before the character speaks. But as I say, no set rule as far as I know -- if anyone knows different I'd love to hear from you.
If any writer feels the need to write (emotions), then either the dialogue isn't good enough, or the author just isn't confident in their writing, and needs it as a crutch. It's usually the latter, to be honest.
STEVE
(angrily)
Screw you, bitch.
HELEN
(scared)
I'm sorry... please don't hit me.
Not needed at all in those cases.
As I say in my long post, (angrily), (calmly) and (points) is directing the actors and they hate that. But more importantly, taking out (angrily) and replacing it with angry words makes the screenplay stronger. Show-don't-tell at its most basic level. Why "tell" the reader an emotion when you can "show" it through better dialogue or action?
Other common errors are when people tell the reader what they already know, like (lying) or (shaken up) or (tired). Also (pause) when ellipses will do.
They...
(pause)
They took....
(pause)
everything.
becomes:
"They... they took... everything".
This isn't my opinion (except that I agree they weaken the script) it's just what I'm passing on from years of learning. But, as always writers are free to take the advice or not.
After saying all this, though, Amazon openly say they aren't particularly interested in these rules, they're all about the story, so you probably don't have to worry too much. However, it can't hurt, right?
I agree. Also, once you take out all of the extra lines of parentheticals, it's going to shorten the number of pages perhaps.
I don't use wrylies such as (angrily) unless the words don't indicate the meaning as in sarcasm or subtext and the words are the ones I want, such as when angry words end up to on the nose.
I do occasionally write action in Parenthesis if it's short. Personally I think it leaves you in the flow more, but if it is a definite no-no I guess I can move it to action format.
Thought this was interesting:
http://johnaugust.com/2010/parentheticals-contd
I haven't personally verified the data, but I'm feeling better about my 90+ parentheticals (still cutting a bunch).
Quote from the site:
"AARON SORKIN, A FEW GOOD MEN: 149 pages
225 parentheticals
1.51 parentheticals per page"
I don't have experience so I could be completely wrong but I find the whole issue with parentheticals laughable.
I can't imagine a single producer reading a good story and saying "Nope. Too many parentheticals. The actors won't like this. We better pass."
It isn't like it is going to be the shooting script anyway. And if it was, then perhaps you would get notes back to omit them. Or better yet, they pay you for the rewrite to omit them.
I don't think the danger is in the producer saying "Nope. Too many parentheticals." As he tosses the script out the window, the dreams of the screenwriter blowing down the street (closeup of the title page entering the gutter). It seems to me the danger is in them STOPPING before they can even determine if it is a good story. If there are a lot of parentheticals, especially ones that might be obvious, that will wear on the reader, slow them down. "I know this. He was angry? I totally couldn't tell from the exclamation marks and cursing."
In my (admittedly, very limited) experience, I can usually figure out the emotion of the actor, or even who they are talking to. All based on the leadup in the script. That's how I challenge myself when writing. If it isn't obvious, I need to make it so. It's kind of a game. Can I remove a parenthetical, adding a line of action, and make it easier to read and more engaging?
The example David posted above could become:
SCEPARNIO
I thought...Gather everything in this room... even that.
He points to a body festering in the corner. Maggots crawling through the eye sockets.
SCEPARNIO (CONT'D)
Nail it in a crate. We’re to take it all.
With regards to the original topic - thank you! I was letting myself get carried away with some of the description blocks. My brain would go "Well, it's all happening right now. Of course I should group it together." Which completely neglects the whole readability part of things. Now I'm breaking it up to create a nice rhythm.
Random rant: I was reading the second draft of the Gladiator script and noticed how many "beats" he used. After awhile, I wanted to beat my head against the keyboard.
The title of this thread should probably read: Keep description blocks to 3 LINES.
In the best-written pro scripts, you'll find very few description blocks that go over 3 lines. If they do, they're intentionally putting emphasis on something. Like the intro of an important character, or an action that's very important to the story.
It's hard to do, but keeping descriptions to 3-or-less will make for a better read. If you've got too many that are 4 lines, you're looking at dense text that many readers will skim over.
