Story Department says:
We want your script to be the best that it can be, so we’re sharing with you the following feedback from our Story Department. This feedback is provided for informational use only, and is not in any way a request on our part for you to make changes in your screenplay.
VILLAIN SET PIECES
Once our protagonists discover the temple, the scares, action and tension from the first half of the second act develop solely from the eerie elements of the temple including shifting walls, blue ooze and collapsing floors. While these elements deliver some suspense and scares, we’d like to consider establishing a more physical presence to increase the dangers of the temple and have these sequences culminate to the screamer army attack. Is there a way to create more unique set pieces incorporating the history of the temple once they are inside? The writers already describe the temple as a place that has ensnared great warriors of the past. Perhaps it could be fun to see some of these past warriors converted to infected screamers so that our modern day black ops heroes have to ward off these warriors from different eras: Romans, Centurions, Medieval Crusaders, Bedouin tribesman, Mongol hordes, perhaps even Greek Hoplites from the army of Alexander the Great. This could be visually interesting and also build up to a final battle where a massive army attacks the soldiers in the third act of the script.
MEGAN
Megan is a headstrong archeologist who delivers the historical knowledge the soldiers need in their battle against the ancient goddess who inhabits the temple but her presence feels too coincidental and improbable within the current storyline. Currently, our protagonists come across Megan (a female archeologist travelling alone in the Afghan desert looking for the temple with the blessing of the Afghan government in order to preserve the historical culture of Afghani artifacts) in the middle of the desert on their way to finding Hassan in the temple. Is it believable that a female Brit would be given permission by the Afghan government to preserve Afghan cultural artifacts? It may also feel a little coincidental for our protagonists to run into a wandering British female looking for the same exact location in the middle of the vast desert. Is there a more organic way to get the character of Megan to join the team? Perhaps Megan is the only educated Afghan woman in the town and the soldiers recruit her to translate. Megan could have returned to her home in Afghanistan after receiving her education to help her people and, therefore, could be uniquely qualified to know about the local rumors surrounding the temple. By making Megan an educated local, this character can provide the same knowledge regarding the history of the temple to progress the story but join the team in a more organic and believable fashion.
STRENGTHS
• Fun action pieces
• Eerie and funny scares
• Clear and concise structure
QUESTIONS
• Could we make our protagonists more sympathetic?
• What are the rules to the temple?
• Can we add to the fun action writing by developing more unique action set pieces?
• Can we find a more organic way to introduce Megan’s character?
VILLAIN SET PIECES
Once our protagonists discover the temple, the scares, action and tension from the first half of the second act develop solely from the eerie elements of the temple including shifting walls, blue ooze and collapsing floors. While these elements deliver some suspense and scares, we’d like to consider establishing a more physical presence to increase the dangers of the temple and have these sequences culminate to the screamer army attack. Is there a way to create more unique set pieces incorporating the history of the temple once they are inside? The writers already describe the temple as a place that has ensnared great warriors of the past. Perhaps it could be fun to see some of these past warriors converted to infected screamers so that our modern day black ops heroes have to ward off these warriors from different eras: Romans, Centurions, Medieval Crusaders, Bedouin tribesman, Mongol hordes, perhaps even Greek Hoplites from the army of Alexander the Great. This could be visually interesting and also build up to a final battle where a massive army attacks the soldiers in the third act of the script.
MEGAN
Megan is a headstrong archeologist who delivers the historical knowledge the soldiers need in their battle against the ancient goddess who inhabits the temple but her presence feels too coincidental and improbable within the current storyline. Currently, our protagonists come across Megan (a female archeologist travelling alone in the Afghan desert looking for the temple with the blessing of the Afghan government in order to preserve the historical culture of Afghani artifacts) in the middle of the desert on their way to finding Hassan in the temple. Is it believable that a female Brit would be given permission by the Afghan government to preserve Afghan cultural artifacts? It may also feel a little coincidental for our protagonists to run into a wandering British female looking for the same exact location in the middle of the vast desert. Is there a more organic way to get the character of Megan to join the team? Perhaps Megan is the only educated Afghan woman in the town and the soldiers recruit her to translate. Megan could have returned to her home in Afghanistan after receiving her education to help her people and, therefore, could be uniquely qualified to know about the local rumors surrounding the temple. By making Megan an educated local, this character can provide the same knowledge regarding the history of the temple to progress the story but join the team in a more organic and believable fashion.
STRENGTHS
• Fun action pieces
• Eerie and funny scares
• Clear and concise structure
QUESTIONS
• Could we make our protagonists more sympathetic?
• What are the rules to the temple?
• Can we add to the fun action writing by developing more unique action set pieces?
• Can we find a more organic way to introduce Megan’s character?