Tyler Shields says:
What do you think the afterlife like?
A Participant says:
I think heaven is eternal orgasm. And hell is the exact opposite.
To the point.
I like your idea. It's witty in itself. It has potential. However - you set up a bunch of friends to perk your score, which is a bit off-putting. I can not give you a fair rating in that way and (having only one vote) it doesn't really matter to you.
I like the start of the show a lot. It shows promise, but the swearing weighs it down. This will be hard to get down any network official's throat. You could make insulting stuff without swearing (think Black Adder).
What gives with the story? It somewhat dwindles. You are stretching that story ever more. It's great at the beginning, but just gets old by page 15 and nothing really happens. There's a wham at the end, but a lot of talking and looking at each other in between.
You are introducing basically 2 protagonists, 2 officials, 2 ex dieties in A plot. This setup could do with a B plot I think. Not too complicated to have a B or even a C story to it.
I have seen a couple of shows that protagonists use Freudian classification of Id, Ego, Super-ego. You only have 2 main protagonists, which could (but don't) act as Ego and Super-ego. Are 'good' and 'bad' characters deep enough? Did you plan for a depth of their relationship? I mean. they are God and Devil after all.
22 pages? Single cam? Perhaps, multicam - no.
So - IMHO, the idea is golden. Execution - less so (plus there is something wrong with your formatting). If it was mine, I'd go for a rewrite with B fable, which breaks up the A in the second part, elongates the script to 26 pages and makes the whole thing faster. Perhaps you could do with a Peter / Jeff B plot where we find out about a poker bet.
Please, do not think I am a prick for being honest.
Cheers!
To the point.
I like your idea. It's witty in itself. It has potential. However - you set up a bunch of friends to perk your score, which is a bit off-putting. I can not give you a fair rating in that way and (having only one vote) it doesn't really matter to you.
I like the start of the show a lot. It shows promise, but the swearing weighs it down. This will be hard to get down any network official's throat. You could make insulting stuff without swearing (think Black Adder).
What gives with the story? It somewhat dwindles. You are stretching that story ever more. It's great at the beginning, but just gets old by page 15 and nothing really happens. There's a wham at the end, but a lot of talking and looking at each other in between.
You are introducing basically 2 protagonists, 2 officials, 2 ex dieties in A plot. This setup could do with a B plot I think. Not too complicated to have a B or even a C story to it.
I have seen a couple of shows that protagonists use Freudian classification of Id, Ego, Super-ego. You only have 2 main protagonists, which could (but don't) act as Ego and Super-ego. Are 'good' and 'bad' characters deep enough? Did you plan for a depth of their relationship? I mean. they are God and Devil after all.
22 pages? Single cam? Perhaps, multicam - no.
So - IMHO, the idea is golden. Execution - less so (plus there is something wrong with your formatting). If it was mine, I'd go for a rewrite with B fable, which breaks up the A in the second part, elongates the script to 26 pages and makes the whole thing faster. Perhaps you could do with a Peter / Jeff B plot where we find out about a poker bet.
Please, do not think I am a prick for being honest.
Cheers!
< Previous | Page: 1 | Next >