Amazon Studios Story Feedback for 12 Princesses

We want your script to be the best that it can be, so we’re sharing with you the following feedback from our Story Department. This feedback is provided for informational use only, and is not in any way a request on our part for you to make changes in your screenplay.

Title: 12 PRINCESSES
Draft: Script 2
Writer: Rob Gardner


12 PRINCESSES is a fun, engaging musical take on the Grimm’s Fairy Tale “The 12 Dancing Princesses.” The script has a whimsical comedic tone, a fantastic magical world, an archetypal hero’s journey, and catchy original songs. As we develop this project further, we’d like to build upon the strengths of the current draft while addressing the following issues:

• The Hero
• The Romance
• The Princesses
• The Antagonist
• The World
• Theme
• Music
• Live action/animation


THE HERO

As currently drawn, Yannick is a bit of a milquetoast. He is passively led through most of the story by Franc the fairy and Bob the gardener, and important events such as his meeting with Princess December happen purely by chance. While it is okay for Yannick to have mentors, we’d like his role to be more proactive, and for his choices to strongly affect the course of the story. Ultimately, he’s our hero, and we need to feel by the end of the film that he deserves to be the next ruler of the kingdom.

Since we know so little about Yannick, it is hard to understand his motivations. There are small hints that he has aspirations of being a heroic knight and professional damsel-saver, but that notion isn’t fully realized in his character arc. We need to more clearly establish what Yannick outwardly wants, what he unknowingly needs, and what personality flaw he has to overcome. Is he someone who underestimates himself and feels like he doesn’t deserve December? Someone who lacks courage? Someone who can never commit to the here and now? In any case, we have to understand what he wants and why he has been unable to get it so far.

THE ROMANCE

Yannick and December fall in love immediately and without much reason. We do sympathize with them because they are then being kept apart by their difference in social status, but we’d like to see more of how they are perfect for each other. Perhaps December is also a dreamer, or perhaps she is always drowned out by her older sisters and Yannick is the first person to really listen to her. In any case, let’s establish what they give each other that no one else ever has.

THE PRINCESSES

Right now, the 12 Princesses seem somewhat interchangeable. It’s a challenge, but it is important that each of the princesses be drawn as an individual. If every one had her own distinct and memorable trait, it could make the group more relatable, and also provide better chances for conflict between the sisters. Each of Snow White’s dwarves has their own defining characteristic, and we’d like the princesses to as well.

In addition, we’d like December and the other princesses to be more empowered and intelligent. Many other classic animation heroines are resolutely strong: Jasmine in Aladdin, Belle in Beauty and the Beast, and the frying-pan wielding Rapunzel in Tangled. This is not to say there can’t be a few spoiled or dim-witted princesses who could provide comedy within the ranks of the royal sisters, but they should be the exception.

We’d also like to better establish why the princesses want to dance so desperately, and why the King is so against it. The current notion, that they love to dance to fight off the ennui of their captivity, seems a little thin.

THE ANTAGONIST

We’d like this story to have a villain with a plan. “Bad Fairy” is the main antagonist of the script, but we don’t really understand what motivates her. The root of her malevolence derives from the King’s wrongful banishment of the fairies after the Queen’s death, but what does Bad Fairy actually hope to accomplish? Why has she chosen this moment to lure the princesses into her hypnotic dance party? The fairies seem to have been surviving fine with the captives they already have, and if Bad Fairy just wanted revenge, she could have one of the giants squash the princesses flat. Bad Fairy’s motivation might be to take over the kingdom, to use the forced dancing to steal the princess’s youth and beauty, to break free from a curse that holds the fairies captive, or to cast a spell that requires the tears of royalty. What matters is that she has a clear goal and a plan for achieving it. By the way, we are not insistent that Bad Fairy be the villain: it could be an evil witch, an evil wizard, an evil duke, duchess, ogre, elf, dragon, jester, or knight.

We’d also like to better define Bad Fairy’s personality, as well as give her a name. As it stands, she comes across as a somewhat generic evil queen/witch/fairy. Giving her a more complex personality would help make her more fascinating and insidious. There’s much that could be made of the incongruity of being evil, yet thriving on dancing and happiness.

THE WORLD

The story takes place in a world of fairies and giants, magic flowers and gnomes. Yet the use of magic and magical creatures is somewhat inconsistent. If we don’t count the dragon that Yannick daydreams about, Franc and Bad Fairy are the only mythical creatures that we ever encounter above ground. Yet Yannick takes his chance meeting with Franc in stride, without surprise. The story could benefit from more detail around the banishment, as well as how the dynamics of the fairy community work. Is Franc the only good fairy? How did Franc escape being banished? What were the fairies like before? Is magic rare or common? Did the other mythic creatures, like the giants, ever walk the earth, or are they something Yannick has never seen before? It could be that magic is rare, or it could be that magic used to be common before the King banished it, but in either case the rules of the world need to be consistent and the reactions of our characters appropriate.

THEME

As written now, the script lacks a strong theme, and we’d like to better define the underlying meaning of the story. Ideally, this theme will grow out of Yannick and December’s characters and how they change. The theme could be about becoming responsible for yourself, standing up for your beliefs, or having the courage to reach for your dreams. In any case, the story should be about something.

MUSIC

For your writing proposal, don’t get too distracted by figuring out where to place the songs. Focus on creating the right characters and the right story beats. If you are chosen for this writing assignment, we will pair you with a lyricist who will work with you to design and write the music.

LIVE ACTION/ANIMATION

This story could be told in a couple of different mediums, and we’re interested in seeing your take. It could be an ANIMATED MUSICAL set in a classic fairy-tale world, along the lines of “The Little Mermaid” or “Tangled”, or it could be a LIVE ACTION MUSICAL. For live action, you could set your script in a fairy tale world (think “High School Musical” meets “Alice in Wonderland”) or a modern day contemporary world touched by magic (think “Harry Potter”). All we ask is that your movie has a budding young romance at its center, a hero’s journey, and 12 princesses.

in the treatment part does it have to be full on detail? Email me at paynekiller67@yahoo.com or studiomail please!!

When is the due date for the treatment? please email me at cwick@watkins.edu or studio mail.

Disregard my last post. It pays to read the instructions :)

I believe this a wonderful opportunity to help with the incredible "12 Princess."
I would like to thank you in allowing me to participate.
So, the only thing that needs to be developed is the "antagonist?"
Well, I will say right now, my de-vill, will scornful because of
(wait for it --- wait for it--- LOVE).

Say no more,

Once again thank you for the opportunity,
Daniel M. Constancio Jr.

Do we get any kind of acknowledgement on submission? Want to make sure mine went through properly...

“We’d like to develop a scarier villain with a defined plan, a more proactive hero, a compelling romance, more defined princesses, and a richer fairytale world.” This is not rewrite. This is almost a new script!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Twelve_Dancing_Princesses

I had not known that this was done as a TV movie back in the 70's....

That's what I was thinking. I'm not sure what is 'liked' about this script/project ? Since the original idea is borrowed (admittedly) from the Brother Grimm, I'm not sure what the screenwriter has added. Other then "Disney-fying" it with talking animals & songs. There really isn't much to go on, other then the original Grimm work (in which case , I'm sorry, but I don't think the original screenwriter should be getting credit )

Also, as PJ points out .. the story has been done before (and most recently as a direct to video Barbie movie)

I assume the story is in public domain which would make it fair game like many classic stories we have seen updated in recent years. The screenwriter wrote the script. It didn't write itself. Read the script and submit your proposal for how you would re-write it. Or move on. Amazon has done their homework. They wouldn't be paying for a re-write if they thought they couldn't sell it.

I'm all over this! Read the script. Dug it, but definitely think it needs work, and I see where the producers want it to go and think I can absolutely bring it there, especially since I read the script BEFORE reading this feedback page, and many of the changes I thought of while reading the script correspond with changes they're asking for.

In general, no. Never.

RJ, who was your "In General, no. Never." said to?

Hey Travis, it was in response to Laurence Maroney's question re if we will receive acknowledgement of submission. If you roll your cursor over the bottom right corner of my reply where it says "In response to an earlier post", it will show you who I was replying to!

So, we won't know if our submission is accepted or not?

Is there a specific reason?

I would like to know before I send mine off, but then again, amazon was never good at answering questions of any sort. Do you see any answers here.

Ever get that feeling you are talking to the wall?

I've sent them a message, they told me, well their computer did: Your message has been sent.

We'll make sure the right person gets it.

I wonder who that is? The guy with the toothpaste smile in their logo? I bet he's just a model anyway.

Hey, RJ.

Are you going to post your script?

They want a treatment.

They want something about creative vision!!?

What am I, a director. I don't get this Autier shit.

A spade is a spade. Follow the diections dude.

He pulls out a gun and shoots her in the face. (I don't think she's gonna pout after that.)

Do you think anybody on amazon reads this shit?

Are we being taken for a ride.

No aknowledgement, no script.

Hey Everyone,

I’m about to address some of neueschreiber's questions and get all long-winded up in this piece, but before I do, I wanna say this:

If writing this assignment isn’t fun for you, for Criminy’s sake, don’t do it!

“Crowd-sourcing” a film’s development is new territory for everyone involved, so I understand the hesitation. You either wanna sign up to be a part of a hopefully grand adventure, or you wanna squeak like Ham and run off because you feel like you’re better than the rest of us guinea pigs.

Either way, good luck!

If you decide to submit a proposal, just accept that you will not receive acknowledgement of receipt of your submission. Like hundreds of thousands of writers before you, you will rarely, if ever, receive acknowledgement of receipt of your submission for any contest. I know this isn’t a contest. It’s an “open assignment”. Whatever it is, it’s an opportunity. And until you have an agent, it’s a way in.

Expecting an email acknowledgement of your submission is like tweeting a celebrity. They’re not really your friend. You're not really connected to them. And they’re really not going to respond to you. It’s the same with studios. They don’t owe you anything. It’s not personal. Literally, the submission process is not personal.

If you need to be taken by the hand and guided, then maybe you’re not ready yet. Do your homework. Do some research. The internet is waiting to tell you everything you will ever need to know to become a less naive or less suspicious screenwriter.

This brings me to the 4 P's for new writers: Paranoia, Preciousness, Procrastinating, Posing.

1. Don't be paranoid. No one is out to get you. If you are a brilliant writer, then yes, someone will be out to get you. And pay you. Awesome.
2. Don't be precious. You may believe your 8-page submission is going to change the world, but how will you know if you never let your baby breathe and grow and be shaped by other people?
Don't procrastinate. Write the 8 pages. Hope they like it. Hope you get picked. End of story.
Don't be a poser. You either write or your don't. Everything else is excuses.

As to your question: Am I posting my script? No. They aren't asking for a script, so I'm not posting a script. They're asking us to write 8 pages detailing how we would approach 12 Princesses.

Here are some guidelines for the proposal:

--Detail your CREATIVE VISION in ONE PAGE. What would YOU love to see up on that screen? This is your one page chance. For all the times you've left a theater disappointed thinking you could do better. Anything you can dream. Don't hold back.

--Breathe life into the CHARACTERS in TWO PAGES. Again, who would YOU love to see up on that screen? Who is you hero? Is he a nerd? Is he a rogue? Seducer? What does he want? What/who are the obstacles to getting what he wants? Why do we desperately want to see him triumph? Why do we want your bad guy to lose? Do we hate him? Do we secretly want to be him? Why do we want our hero and the princess to be together? And more importantly, why is there no other option but for them to end up together?

--Write a TREATMENT up to FIVE PAGES of your proposed version of 12 Princesses. This is the full story. Beginning, middle, end. In present tense. In narrative form. Like a short story. It’s a detailed and complete description of your entire movie, including all the beats, or plot points.

Describe the set pieces that will make your script unique. Include camera directions if they show off your unique point of view. Include a bit of dialogue if it's hilarious and displays your dialogue skills, and/or if it is central to your theme.

Most importantly, resolve the story at the end. This is not a cliffhanger, so don’t try to be cute and leave the reader hanging. "Will Yannick win December’s hand or won't he? Pick me to write the script and you’ll see!” Don't beat around the bush. Blow away the Amazon reader by helping her “watch” your complete movie in her head.

So who is this Amazon reader? It might be a college intern, an Executive Assistant, a Development head, a producer. Whoever it is, someone will read your submission. You don’t get to worry about this. You only get to worry about if your submission is good enough to catch one of these reader’s attention.

Your submission will stand out if the story is simple and easy to read, with language that is taut, descriptive. Your grammar is good. Have you proofread your submission? Have you followed the rules to a T? This is one area you don’t have freedom over. They will be looking for reasons to weed out submissions. They clearly state “up to 5 pages”, so if you provide a 7, 8, 9, 10 page treatment, your submission will be deleted. Conversely, if you don’t provide enough detail, they will delete your submission. If you can’t be bothered, why should they be?

Be specific. Have an opinion. What do you want to say about the world we live in?

As for being taken for a ride, no, you aren't being taken for a ride. How can you be if you won’t get in the car? Amazon is a signatory of the Writer's Guild now. They are legit.

If lack of acknowledgement is your excuse for not writing, then that's your excuse. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Okay. That was me procrastinating. Happy writing.

Oh. Thanks! Totally didn't notice that!

Well said.

RJ Samson:
Very well said! You might want to consider writing nonfiction books as well!
This is exactly what I'd look for in a book of advice on writing and submitting in all its various forms.

awesome and to the point RJ, that's the way it is, all business and no bull I like to that way all up front and learned to not worry about my scripts (which by the way this one is not, it belongs to someone else) no one has ever stolen one from me after thousands of submissions.

thanks for saying it like it is.

I sent You my proposal with the following changes : The bad fairy has the plan to kill all living plants, which can only grow with the dancing steps of the princesses ( each princess has a step for a plant, related to her name ). The world of the story is also new definded over these rules. The love of the princess December and Yannick is disturbed by the intriguing bad fairy, who appears as him and makes her jealous. She is thinking that he wants one of her sisters, because he is helping with the new mentor fairy Rosebud to train them their dancing steps. December tries to be the best dancer to win his love again.

lol. I agree.

@RJ -- Thanks for the answer, and thanks for the great tips.

But to dial it back a little -- whenever I submitted a script/trailer etc, there was an auto-reply that said that Amazon had received it.

When I submitted my rewrite ideas for 12 Princesses, I didn't. That seemed a little odd.

I wanted to know if anyone else had the same experience! :)

So, folks who have submitted -- did you get an auto-reply of acknowledgement of receipt? Thanks! :)

yes, received an auto reply that said: "Thank you for submitting your proposal to the open writing assignment for 12 Princesses. The Amazon Studios Story Department will be in touch if they want to see additional material, or if they wish to discuss the project further.
The Amazon Studios Cast and Crew"