Story Department says:
We want your script to be the best that it can be, so we’re sharing with you the following feedback from our Story Department. This feedback is provided for informational use only, and is not in any way a request on our part for you to make changes in your screenplay.
Story Feedback: THE TEMPLE
Draft: Script 1
Writer: Alex Greenfield & Michael Eitelman
In the vein of 80’s action/horror hybrids like PREDATOR and ALIENS, THE TEMPLE is a fun story that sends elite military mercenaries deep into the heart of the desert in Afghanistan, where they stumble upon an ancient evil. A script that moves quickly via fun action set pieces and a precisely crafted structure, THE TEMPLE is a well-executed genre piece. While this script hits the mark in numerous ways, we feel there are additional opportunities to make it even stronger by further developing the mercenary characters, defining the Megan character, and clarifying and even expanding on the villain of the story.
MERCENARIES
Mercenaries have a specific motivation for being in their line of work; it’s always about the money. This has negative connotations, and it is hard to sympathize with a group of mercenaries who, although they are chasing a well-known terrorist in the Afghan desert, are ultimately not doing it for the right reasons. What if the mercenaries are instead a group of international soldiers? They could be an international UN group on a mission to hunt down terrorists, but instead stumble upon the town and are baffled to realize that the town is filled with just women; When they finally find the last male in the town, he is traumatized by his experiences, and only able to utter one recognizable name, "Hassan" (the notorious jack of clubs in the deck of most wanted individuals). From there, the group is ordered to seek out Hassan led by this last man. We may be able to sympathize with our protagonists a little more if they are an international UN force risking their lives on a mission to capture a terrorist who has killed thousands instead of being mercenaries working for their own personal profit.
CLARIFY THE RULES OF THE TEMPLE
The mythology of a goddess whose temple acts as a venus fly trap that lures men to their doom is a fascinating idea, and we’d like to clarify even more how the rules of the temple work. How does an individual get infected and what does the infection do to the individuals? What is the difference between touching the blue ooze and getting infected without touching the blue? Perhaps we can make this distinction clear by establishing the death of Azi before he turns into a screamer. Or maybe the goddess controls all the men who die on the sacred lands of the temple turning them into screamers.
We’d also like to further clarify the different rules regarding a living individual that comes in to contact with the blue liquid. Currently, it is unclear what personality, if any, is retained once an individual is infected. The infected Hassan still believes that the goddess would give him the power to kill the infidels; therefore, his original goals appear to still be present in his mind. But, the frame of mind of the soldiers is unclear as they begin to get infected one by one. Perhaps, we need to see how this infection affects each individual soldier and how it amplifies a negative emotional attribute. For example, Hassan is a terrorist lured by his lust for power and the blue liquid amplifies this initial attribute. One idea would be to set up Rook’s humiliation at the hands of a more senior officer so when he is infected, that negative emotion is amplified in motivating Rook towards violence. The negative emotions are amplified and the self-discipline disappears. Let’s spend some more time in the first act developing the characters and relationships between these soldiers so we can follow the progression of these negative emotions amongst the group as they are infected.
The mythology of the temple intimates the idea that this goddess only affects men in their behavior. It is unclear what effects, if any, this goddess of the temple has on the female gender. What happens if a female touches the blue blood? Why can’t the goddess feed on the female gender? Why does Burton try to sacrifice Megan to the goddess at the end of the story? Perhaps the goddess only has a strong hatred of men giving strict orders to the infected men not to harm any females, therefore, the genetic makeup of the blue liquid only affects the male population. Maybe the goddess doesn’t turn on Megan until she gets too close to the heart of the temple and despite repeated warnings, wants to save the soldiers.
Story Feedback: THE TEMPLE
Draft: Script 1
Writer: Alex Greenfield & Michael Eitelman
In the vein of 80’s action/horror hybrids like PREDATOR and ALIENS, THE TEMPLE is a fun story that sends elite military mercenaries deep into the heart of the desert in Afghanistan, where they stumble upon an ancient evil. A script that moves quickly via fun action set pieces and a precisely crafted structure, THE TEMPLE is a well-executed genre piece. While this script hits the mark in numerous ways, we feel there are additional opportunities to make it even stronger by further developing the mercenary characters, defining the Megan character, and clarifying and even expanding on the villain of the story.
MERCENARIES
Mercenaries have a specific motivation for being in their line of work; it’s always about the money. This has negative connotations, and it is hard to sympathize with a group of mercenaries who, although they are chasing a well-known terrorist in the Afghan desert, are ultimately not doing it for the right reasons. What if the mercenaries are instead a group of international soldiers? They could be an international UN group on a mission to hunt down terrorists, but instead stumble upon the town and are baffled to realize that the town is filled with just women; When they finally find the last male in the town, he is traumatized by his experiences, and only able to utter one recognizable name, "Hassan" (the notorious jack of clubs in the deck of most wanted individuals). From there, the group is ordered to seek out Hassan led by this last man. We may be able to sympathize with our protagonists a little more if they are an international UN force risking their lives on a mission to capture a terrorist who has killed thousands instead of being mercenaries working for their own personal profit.
CLARIFY THE RULES OF THE TEMPLE
The mythology of a goddess whose temple acts as a venus fly trap that lures men to their doom is a fascinating idea, and we’d like to clarify even more how the rules of the temple work. How does an individual get infected and what does the infection do to the individuals? What is the difference between touching the blue ooze and getting infected without touching the blue? Perhaps we can make this distinction clear by establishing the death of Azi before he turns into a screamer. Or maybe the goddess controls all the men who die on the sacred lands of the temple turning them into screamers.
We’d also like to further clarify the different rules regarding a living individual that comes in to contact with the blue liquid. Currently, it is unclear what personality, if any, is retained once an individual is infected. The infected Hassan still believes that the goddess would give him the power to kill the infidels; therefore, his original goals appear to still be present in his mind. But, the frame of mind of the soldiers is unclear as they begin to get infected one by one. Perhaps, we need to see how this infection affects each individual soldier and how it amplifies a negative emotional attribute. For example, Hassan is a terrorist lured by his lust for power and the blue liquid amplifies this initial attribute. One idea would be to set up Rook’s humiliation at the hands of a more senior officer so when he is infected, that negative emotion is amplified in motivating Rook towards violence. The negative emotions are amplified and the self-discipline disappears. Let’s spend some more time in the first act developing the characters and relationships between these soldiers so we can follow the progression of these negative emotions amongst the group as they are infected.
The mythology of the temple intimates the idea that this goddess only affects men in their behavior. It is unclear what effects, if any, this goddess of the temple has on the female gender. What happens if a female touches the blue blood? Why can’t the goddess feed on the female gender? Why does Burton try to sacrifice Megan to the goddess at the end of the story? Perhaps the goddess only has a strong hatred of men giving strict orders to the infected men not to harm any females, therefore, the genetic makeup of the blue liquid only affects the male population. Maybe the goddess doesn’t turn on Megan until she gets too close to the heart of the temple and despite repeated warnings, wants to save the soldiers.