The story is fascinating. Rosemary's Baby meets Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. The pacing is taut. I would watch the series. The revision I uploaded merely contained technical suggestions for improving the screenplay. The story itself is a whopping good yarn.
Mikie Sherer
csherer@fuse.net
Hi Mike!
Thanks so much for the nice review--and your suggestions. A friend in another state with a PC has told me you highlighted the areas you commented. Unfortunately, I've opened the doc up in three different programs now on my mac and they don't show up! O technology, O distant and functional if not ideal PDF! (Can you tell I'm hoping that AmazonStudios is listening and will soon step up their game!)
In the meantime, I'll try to find a PC using friend here so I can take a gander!
Best--
Barrington
Got it, thanks! I'll definitely be incorporating some of your suggestions into the next draft.
I'm not sure I'm posting this in the right place (note to Amazon: this site could be more user-friendly), but here goes:
I enjoyed the script so much I had to force myself to stop reading so I could get to work. (I ended up reading this in two sittings). There’s tension right from the get-go. The pacing is great—it moves at a good clip and keeps my interest. I like Skylar, too. But I didn’t care for Dillon so much. Maybe that’s because we don’t really get to know Dillon? When I got to the end and he sold her out, I realized that maybe that might have been intentional on your part… that you’re hinting that he’s maybe sort of a jerk so we’re prepared for that ending. (Burden of fiction: prepare and surprise). But I wanted to like Dillon more. I think if I had, that betrayal might have hit me even harder than it did.
On page 33, when Dillon yells at her that he’s tired of being the only one excited about this baby, and then she gets in the car and just goes for the radio… I think Skylar is a little too nice, maybe? Or, better said, I felt like something was missing. I wanted her to respond, I wanted this to boil over a little bit, not all the way, and I think that would have ratcheted up the tension a little bit more effectively. (The tension is already there, and this scene DOES ratchet it up, but I think you’ve got a missed opportunity here).
I felt this again on page 38, when he leaves… I didn’t quite get why he did that and why she didn’t react more to his leaving… perhaps if it boils over here on page 33, I’ll understand better.
On page 65, I felt like something was missing again… when the group was ready to pounce on her but then they turn to the TV.
The whole time I was reading, I was asking myself why didn’t these two adopt? What’s wrong with adoption? Why are they opposed to it? Why is it not an option? So on and so forth. I wanted to know how they felt about adoption early on, actually… it first occurred to me when they were at the group counseling.
I felt like we don’t know Skylar or Dillon well enough… As they struggle to become parents themselves, I wanted to know more about their parents. Maybe a scene with Skylar calling her mom or dad? Or she catches Dillon spilling the beans to his parents?
There were some word choice issues here and there, but small. One that jumped out at me was on page 30—lucid dreaming. If I’m not mistaken, lucid dreaming is when one is aware of their presence in a dream and becomes active, engaging with and controlling elements of the dream. I think the word you’re looking for is vivid?
Overall, it was a fun, fast-paced read with a real emotional core that makes you understand Skylar and the choices she makes. I really enjoyed it!
