Hello Diana!
(sorry for my english)
First of all I would like to congratulate you for the big winning that is to be choosen to the Development Slate. I fell that you deserve this achivement.
So congratulations!
I'm here to give you my humble opinion about your script. Now that you're in development slate, probrably there are much better writers then me that is supporting you, but I guess that my thoughts can be useful somehow.
In general I did like your script. You have a good writing skills and your english is amazing. When I was reading your script I took some notes that I want to show you. So here it goes:
*Before the TADAA pose, I would consider to place the end of a magic trick. (maybe the rabbit being pulled out of the top hat, or a veil being pulled revealing something). It would increase the action of the scene and also will introduce his magic business. I think this would be a nice introduction.
*Maybe more action between the Rabbit speechs. I guess it's too much for kids, they get bored easy.
*Nice play with the words on the newscasters! Kids love this kind of stuff. I always reamember how Fairyparents gracefully use this type of humor.
*Maybe too big descriptions? I don't know if this is a problem in your script, but in my point of view, You could simplify some actions to keep the script flowing even better.
*Maybe too much camera descriptions? Once, they told me here that I'm not supposed to write this kind of stuff. This is for directors.
*Nice job on the Carrer Day! This was a beautiful link to the rabbit's plan!
*I like the jokes. You have a smart sense of humor, but I would use a even more funny parts on the show.
*Just a thought: I don't think that the monkey's scream can mean anything, hehee. I would use the interlocutor to complete the setences. Somethink like: "MONKEY(monkey screams that sound like I’ll be there)" I would use MONKEY (scream randomly) "Oh, Nice, so you're coming! I'm waiting for you." This can also be as an extra humor factor in your show.
*The monkey reminded me the Monkey from Dexter! Such a nice character.
*I imagined a gag here:
GENERAL HAM
Monkey was the right man for the
job. I mean just watch these
acrobatics.
You could use something like:
GENERAL HAM
Monkey was the right man-key for the
job.
General blink and point to the male newscaster, and then the caster pointed back. The female newcasters gasp to the camera.
This is it. I hope that I could be useful to you.
I would be really glad if I have your feedback on my show, so if you have an extra time, please consider taking a quick read in the script.
(if it's not too much to ask for, I would like to know if what I said here was pure non-sense or there is something useful among these words)
Thank you!
I wish you the best,
Artur
(sorry for my english)
First of all I would like to congratulate you for the big winning that is to be choosen to the Development Slate. I fell that you deserve this achivement.
So congratulations!
I'm here to give you my humble opinion about your script. Now that you're in development slate, probrably there are much better writers then me that is supporting you, but I guess that my thoughts can be useful somehow.
In general I did like your script. You have a good writing skills and your english is amazing. When I was reading your script I took some notes that I want to show you. So here it goes:
*Before the TADAA pose, I would consider to place the end of a magic trick. (maybe the rabbit being pulled out of the top hat, or a veil being pulled revealing something). It would increase the action of the scene and also will introduce his magic business. I think this would be a nice introduction.
*Maybe more action between the Rabbit speechs. I guess it's too much for kids, they get bored easy.
*Nice play with the words on the newscasters! Kids love this kind of stuff. I always reamember how Fairyparents gracefully use this type of humor.
*Maybe too big descriptions? I don't know if this is a problem in your script, but in my point of view, You could simplify some actions to keep the script flowing even better.
*Maybe too much camera descriptions? Once, they told me here that I'm not supposed to write this kind of stuff. This is for directors.
*Nice job on the Carrer Day! This was a beautiful link to the rabbit's plan!
*I like the jokes. You have a smart sense of humor, but I would use a even more funny parts on the show.
*Just a thought: I don't think that the monkey's scream can mean anything, hehee. I would use the interlocutor to complete the setences. Somethink like: "MONKEY(monkey screams that sound like I’ll be there)" I would use MONKEY (scream randomly) "Oh, Nice, so you're coming! I'm waiting for you." This can also be as an extra humor factor in your show.
*The monkey reminded me the Monkey from Dexter! Such a nice character.
*I imagined a gag here:
GENERAL HAM
Monkey was the right man for the
job. I mean just watch these
acrobatics.
You could use something like:
GENERAL HAM
Monkey was the right man-key for the
job.
General blink and point to the male newscaster, and then the caster pointed back. The female newcasters gasp to the camera.
This is it. I hope that I could be useful to you.
I would be really glad if I have your feedback on my show, so if you have an extra time, please consider taking a quick read in the script.
(if it's not too much to ask for, I would like to know if what I said here was pure non-sense or there is something useful among these words)
Thank you!
I wish you the best,
Artur