Amazon Studios story feedback for The Umpire

Reply to: When Rob makes a choice to do what's right over what will help him win a game, we know he is a changed man. Not one person who read the script ever had anything to say about that scene so I knew something was wrong.

That's not nearly enough to identify him as a changed man.

there's no impact.

Have you seen "Forrest Gump"? His love for Jenny was the core and spoine of the movie. He didn't think much of himself, but he validated his life by loving Jenny... and she threw it back in his face, sleeping with other men, never thinking that Forrest might be terribly hurt by the way she treated him...

So... I would give him a love interest who is even more deeply flawed than he is... only in a different way... and at the end, when she dies in a hospital, that's what changes him.

The Feedback recycles a lot of film school jargon, but misses the point.

The purpose of the plot is to reveal the Character of your Hero.

You did that... most of the suggested changes would not help

Thanks so much for taking an interest in my work! I have just uploaded a test movie that has significant changes from the original script, and it is interesting how many of these issues you pointed out became apparent while I was shooting. I wish I could have seen these notes earlier, it would have saved me some trouble! But I learned a lot from wrestling with all these issues and coming up with solutions.

SPOILER ALERT! I am about to compare notes on the original draft to story moments in the test movie, including the ending. Please watch the test movie first before reading this!

I agree that the original script needed more conflict. And a villain would be a sure-fire way to do that. However, if you could broaden the definition of villain to 'greater forces of antagonism' then that is accomplished in the test movie. What I did was increase Rob's conflict with himself. You'll notice in the test movie Tina is gone. Rob is so terrible, he can't get ANY girl to go out with him. He can find girls to party with, but no one wants a relationship with him. When Ted says "Don't you got a girlfriend you can call in the middle of the night?" we know that Rob is alone. He is a bad guy, but a likeable bad guy because he has charm and he's good at baseball. We tend to admire someone who excels at their work, even if their character is lacking. Hitting home runs in the big leagues is impressive no matter who you are. But clearly that lack of character is causing problems for Rob and threatening to destroy everything his incredible skill has brought him. So something has to give.

While I would hesitate to make Miles a villain, I think you're onto something in that we can play up the threat Miles poses to Rob. I don't know if he needs to be scheming against Rob, but maybe he's just a great ball player so Rob is clearly in danger of losing his job all together if he doesn't get back and prove himself. (Like what happened a few years ago when Manny Ramirez went out on a drug suspension and Juan Pierre took over and did an amazing job.) This is a function of Rob's selfish nature. He wants to be an all star because he wants the world revolving around him. With his all star status threatened, he has motivation to push through the umpire work to get back to the Dodgers. Perhaps I can add more moments where he checks in with the manager, and maybe the manager is okay with him being gone because Miles is doing so well. So the team doesn't need Rob, but Rob needs the team. He needs to be an all star. Or so he thinks. Perhaps that could make for a more satisfying ending, then, when Rob ultimately decides his character is more important than winning the game. We've seen how much he wanted it, how much he thought he needed it, but in the end he realizes that is not at all what he needs. He doesn't need to be an all star. He needs to be a man.

I agree wholeheartedly that in that draft Rob and Amy's relationship is not believable. Their moment at the end is clearly unearned. That was something I was really feeling when I started to shoot the test movie. All the scenes between Rob and Amy I kept thinking "Why would she fall in love with him?" I struggled with this for awhile until I finally realized they do not have to fall in love. When you remove that as the end goal of their relationship, their relationship makes total sense. They have a special relationship that grows and develops and they certainly have feelings for each other, but in the end it is not about love it is about respecting each other. When Rob says "She IS the someone else," clearly there is something different from romance happening. A whole new world view is starting to make sense to him, and Amy is the reason. At the end when Amy says "You won me," she is clearly not saying "Take me now!" but rather "I respect you." Notice they hold hands and do not kiss at the end. We see them walking away together but walking like two teenagers who just started dating, not a man and woman in love. Down the road their relationship could very well progress to that, but at the moment we leave them they are simply seeing eye to eye for the first time. And knowing how far Rob had to go to get to that point, that is certainly an accomplishment.

I agree that the stakes were way too low in the original draft. I'll be curious to hear what everyone thinks about the stakes in the test movie. I think this coincides with another problem I saw in the script - no one seemed to notice the most important scene. To me, the most important scene is when Rob declares himself out even though Bobby called him safe as a favor. When Rob makes a choice to do what's right over what will help him win a game, we know he is a changed man. Not one person who read the script ever had anything to say about that scene so I knew something was wrong. Then I realized the problem might be that it happens in the 8th inning. Rob calls himself out. Who cares? There's another inning. Another chance. But what if that happened in the 9th? On the last out? What if making that right choice meant losing the game? This seemed like the better way to go, and raised the stakes significantly. Some might say this is an unhappy ending but I would disagree. Because in the end baseball is just a game. And Rob has truly come to believe "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game."

Thank you for taking the time to give me feedback. I plan to do another draft of the script to incorporate things I learned from shooting the script, and also from these notes. Feel free to respond to anything I've said here as I would love to keep this dialog going.

Thanks,

Matt

We want your script to be the best that it can be, so we’re sharing with you the following feedback from our Story Department. This feedback is provided for informational use only, and is not in any way a request on our part for you to make changes in your screenplay.

Title: The Umpire
Draft: Script 1
Writer: Matthew Wilson

THE UMPIRE is a tightly written baseball-themed comedy that will appeal to sports fans and rom-com aficionados. and the writing is structurally solid and fast paced. The main character Rob is a lovable troublemaker, and there is plenty of wish fulfillment in this premise. While this is a strong script, we feel there are a few areas that can be addressed to make it even stronger. The next draft should focus on creating a villain, strengthening Rob and Amy’s relationship, increasing the stakes, and building a more resonant third act.

THE VILLAIN

At the moment, there is no real villain in our story; Rob brings his calamity upon himself. But in order to increase the conflict, it might be helpful to create a concrete antagonist for Rob to surmount. Let’s consider making Miles Barrington, the player who replaces Rob when he is suspended, the villain. Perhaps Miles conspires to get Rob kicked out of the league so that he can take his spot on the team. It would also add to the conflict if Miles tries to keep Rob off the team after Rob’s community service has been served. For example, Miles could leak photos of Rob sleeping with the hooker in Tijuana in an attempt to keep him from returning. Eventually, Rob could figure out that Miles has been sabotaging him and then get him suspended from the league in turn, or sentenced to community service. Making the commissioner the villain could also work. Perhaps Tina is the commissioner’s daughter, and he wants Rob to pay for treating her poorly. But whoever is chosen as the antagonist, the script would greatly benefit from a villain.

ROB & AMY

Rob and Amy’s relationship could benefit from being a bit more believable. At the moment, Rob seems to only care about Amy because she is “hot and prude,” and Amy warily trusts Rob for only a few pages before he disappoints. They don’t seem like two people who should be together, yet a large part of the story hinges on their relationship. In order to root for them as a couple, we need to see why Rob and Amy are good for each other. To that end, consider showing how they learn from one another, or how each has some quality that the other needs.

Perhaps Rob needs to teach Amy how to trust again by coming through for her. The last line of the current draft is “Amy trusts him;” however, this beat feels unearned. Rob hasn’t really done anything to earn her confidence, except continually try to sleep with her. Instead, let’s convey how Amy comes to believe in Rob through real actions he takes. For example, Rob could show up to ump a level-A game even though his community service hours are complete. Or Amy might suspect Rob of cheating, only to discover that the woman he’s with is actually his niece or sister. After Rob repeatedly proves to be an honorable guy, Amy finally learns to trust him. In exchange, Amy needs to teach Rob how to be an honest person. At the moment, Don affects most of this change in Rob, without Amy really assisting in this transformation. Consider having a line where Rob declares that Amy makes him a better person. By showing how Rob and Amy have grown as a result of knowing each other, we will root for them as a couple.

THE STAKES

Let’s consider increasing the stakes in this draft. Currently, once Rob completes his umpire hours, he returns to the Dodgers and performs poorly with little consequence. Instead, consider giving Rob something to prove once he returns to the team. Perhaps Rob is in a downswing in his career when he is suspended from the league. This is currently hinted at but not quite fleshed out. Maybe Rob needs to play well for the Dodgers or his contract won’t be picked up next year.

Another reason the stakes seem low is that Rob does not appear to care about returning to the Dodgers, particularly through the second half of the second act. To remedy this, consider showing that he is excited to return to the team, and needs to prove himself.

ACT THREE

At the moment, the script ends a bit abruptly. Consider having a stronger resolution for the lead characters, by creating a powerful climax where Rob wins back his girlfriend, ensures his career and triumphs over the villain. While cinematic, Rob and Amy’s kiss at the end doesn’t have the necessary gravitas. You might instead insert a brief 1-2 page resolution where you see Rob and Amy as a successful couple, umpiring a level-A game together or taking Tim to the fair.

We also want to see Rob’s career return to an upswing in Act Three. As is, he starts playing better in the final game, but the scene doesn’t carry enough weight because we don’t get a sense of what is truly at stake. What will happen if Rob doesn’t play well in this game? Could he get traded next year? Let’s show that Rob’s career will be over if he doesn’t play well against the Giants.

In addressing the note about creating a villain, we should also see the antagonist get his comeuppance in the third act. For example, Miles might be forced to do community service, or the commissioner could be convicted of sleeping with a prostitute. Creating a more powerful Act Three will make the story more satisfying.

OTHER THOUGHTS

It might be helpful to track Rob’s progress on the news a bit more to give us a sense of the stakes with his career. Also, consider showing Rob try to contact Amy repeatedly before he shows up on Tina’s doorstep. Currently, he runs to Tina too readily without trying hard enough to win Amy back. Also, time seems to pass way too quickly when Rob returns to the Dodgers; 14 games are played in a matter of pages. You might add a montage depicting several games to address this issue.

Strengths

• A fun, compelling protagonist.
• Structurally sound, well-paced plot.
• Wish fulfillment premise.

Questions

• How could we create an antagonist for Rob to overcome?
• How could Rob and Amy have a stronger relationship?
• How could the stakes be bigger for Rob?
• How could we create a more satisfying third act?