Daniel Ringer says:
This is really my main problem with your script. You've got some interesting ideas and some funny lines but I see this as something more akin to a Joss Whedon show. Sure, it's funny but its not meant for you to show up week to week for "joke, joke, joke." And a lot of your problems come out of the fact that you're trying to do the work of 50 pages in 25. The characters seem undeveloped and the plot is wonky and the physicality of the setting isn't too well established. What I would recommend is to push this up to an hour and spend that extra time establishing the characters and the settings and the drama better. If you want to stick with the pure comedy angle, you should probably gut a whole bunch of it. Jump right into the god v. devil business and introduce some new characters and only include a line or two to establish that they used to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Because if we're talking about a full series, you're going to need "this character interacts with this this one in a funny way" far more than backstory.
Also, I have no idea what the series will be like. And that is a not a good thing. A pilot is supposed to sell the theoretical series. Besides the fact that Zoe is an evil bitch and Blane isn't, I have no idea idea how these two will interact in conversation or on a story level. And they don't really have any underlings and only a few colleagues. What do these people do on a week to week basis? The pilot should tell us that. What is the average episode of this show?
Random notes:
Several formatting errors. Actions listed in dialogue. That sort of thing.
Stop with the ellipses. Weird screenwriting thing but readers hate ellipses. Let the actors act. If the theoretical actor wants to put a pause there he will. And in most situations where a pause is needed to sell the drama or comedy, use "--". Google it to find more information on when and when not to use ellipses.
Also, I have no idea what the series will be like. And that is a not a good thing. A pilot is supposed to sell the theoretical series. Besides the fact that Zoe is an evil bitch and Blane isn't, I have no idea idea how these two will interact in conversation or on a story level. And they don't really have any underlings and only a few colleagues. What do these people do on a week to week basis? The pilot should tell us that. What is the average episode of this show?
Random notes:
Several formatting errors. Actions listed in dialogue. That sort of thing.
Stop with the ellipses. Weird screenwriting thing but readers hate ellipses. Let the actors act. If the theoretical actor wants to put a pause there he will. And in most situations where a pause is needed to sell the drama or comedy, use "--". Google it to find more information on when and when not to use ellipses.