A Participant says:
Hello Jules.
First, I must apologize for sounding harsh, but your piece left much do be desired. I am in no way a professional in this field, nor am I a writer. Hell. I'm not even a native English speaker, so you might want to get a second opinion.
The characters:
They are not very well defined. They sound paper thin. Very one dimensional and on the nose. Particularly Ben. He is just too inept. 50 YO guys are not like that at all. Even if they are failures, they are full of themselves and try to impress.
I had a hard time differentiating other guys as well. Even Bob fails short of himself.
The story:
There is no story to speak of. The flashbacks do not help either. They just confuse the time-line. Remember a good story is imperative for a good comedy. I myself thought abusive banter is funny. It's not. It's only funny in a phenomenal setting. You are missing a setting.
Also, remember the mantra: come in late, leave early. That's true for scenes, stories, jokes, everything. Make me WANT to turn the page or watch the next second for fear of loosing the string. I want to be intrigued. I want to imagine. I want to be surprised. Every second.
The comedy:
Comedy is somewhat personal, but some things are universal. Your comedy resembles your characters. It's very on the nose. Some humor (I hate to call jokes, as situation comedy is not a series of jokes) has a good roots. I thought FAKTU vs VO5 mix-up could make a great joke, but spreading it over an entire page dilutes it. I like the 'know your meme' bit was ok, I think. It shows you know how to let me use my brain. I want you to let me use my brain more.
Here's some immediate notes:
- The start of the script is a long monologue that is quite sad and not at all funny. That is not promising of a good, fast comedy.
- It’s generally easier on the reader if you manage to introduce people in pairs. You start with 4 people, which immediately creates slight confusion.
- P3 a double liner parenthetical is 99.99% faliure. Action should be action.
- P4 - after several minutes. I imagine a TITLE saying that, not waiting for real :)
- P6 - do people really call each other brother-in-law? Was it only a way to sneak up an information on-the-nose?
- P6 The phone joke takes entirely too much dialog. And jokes are funny of audience get the joke, while people on-screen don’t.
- P6 Nonsensical flashback. Collecting old stuff vs. being a badly groomed slob. No connection.
- P8 Long parenthetical attack again...
- P8 contains half a page of monologue. Actors hate more than 2 lines. You have to be a genius with your writing and have a colossal reason to write more than 3 or 4 lines in one go. This will get shredded.
- P9 three-liner parenthetical. Not good.
- P11 The VO5 vs FAKTU joke would be hilarious, but it took entirely too long to develop. You should go with setup - punch. Instead we have a setup - elongate - stretch - confuse - stretch - explain - punch. Good joke, killed by bad timing.
- P12 starts a flashback. To what end? And it lasts 5 pages (P17). The sense of time is lost.
- P13 “did you girls” spelling.
- P26 Capitals are a NO-NO.
- P26 “holds his breath” not breathe.
Here.
Sorry for being brutal, but... there. And I am not a grungy, sad, unrealized writer. I'm just a guy that likes to laugh and tries to make others laugh too.
Cheers!
First, I must apologize for sounding harsh, but your piece left much do be desired. I am in no way a professional in this field, nor am I a writer. Hell. I'm not even a native English speaker, so you might want to get a second opinion.
The characters:
They are not very well defined. They sound paper thin. Very one dimensional and on the nose. Particularly Ben. He is just too inept. 50 YO guys are not like that at all. Even if they are failures, they are full of themselves and try to impress.
I had a hard time differentiating other guys as well. Even Bob fails short of himself.
The story:
There is no story to speak of. The flashbacks do not help either. They just confuse the time-line. Remember a good story is imperative for a good comedy. I myself thought abusive banter is funny. It's not. It's only funny in a phenomenal setting. You are missing a setting.
Also, remember the mantra: come in late, leave early. That's true for scenes, stories, jokes, everything. Make me WANT to turn the page or watch the next second for fear of loosing the string. I want to be intrigued. I want to imagine. I want to be surprised. Every second.
The comedy:
Comedy is somewhat personal, but some things are universal. Your comedy resembles your characters. It's very on the nose. Some humor (I hate to call jokes, as situation comedy is not a series of jokes) has a good roots. I thought FAKTU vs VO5 mix-up could make a great joke, but spreading it over an entire page dilutes it. I like the 'know your meme' bit was ok, I think. It shows you know how to let me use my brain. I want you to let me use my brain more.
Here's some immediate notes:
- The start of the script is a long monologue that is quite sad and not at all funny. That is not promising of a good, fast comedy.
- It’s generally easier on the reader if you manage to introduce people in pairs. You start with 4 people, which immediately creates slight confusion.
- P3 a double liner parenthetical is 99.99% faliure. Action should be action.
- P4 - after several minutes. I imagine a TITLE saying that, not waiting for real :)
- P6 - do people really call each other brother-in-law? Was it only a way to sneak up an information on-the-nose?
- P6 The phone joke takes entirely too much dialog. And jokes are funny of audience get the joke, while people on-screen don’t.
- P6 Nonsensical flashback. Collecting old stuff vs. being a badly groomed slob. No connection.
- P8 Long parenthetical attack again...
- P8 contains half a page of monologue. Actors hate more than 2 lines. You have to be a genius with your writing and have a colossal reason to write more than 3 or 4 lines in one go. This will get shredded.
- P9 three-liner parenthetical. Not good.
- P11 The VO5 vs FAKTU joke would be hilarious, but it took entirely too long to develop. You should go with setup - punch. Instead we have a setup - elongate - stretch - confuse - stretch - explain - punch. Good joke, killed by bad timing.
- P12 starts a flashback. To what end? And it lasts 5 pages (P17). The sense of time is lost.
- P13 “did you girls” spelling.
- P26 Capitals are a NO-NO.
- P26 “holds his breath” not breathe.
Here.
Sorry for being brutal, but... there. And I am not a grungy, sad, unrealized writer. I'm just a guy that likes to laugh and tries to make others laugh too.
Cheers!
