What the hell is this?
Is it just me or did a lot of Africans get on this train?
A couple black people mean mug him." [Script Version 2]
That's just the beginning. Read through around page 60. The one black guy (Vernon) who thus far shows up is a mugger. ??? Oh the other has decapitated Owen's Facebook profile. Who wrote this crap? Why is this under consideration? It is beyond ridiculous. I would not want the original writer to make a dime off this.
Amazon should have specifically mentioned in their Story Notes that scene has got to go. It is absurd.
Contrived, most of the story is - from the hair-brained scheme to get into a baseball field without tickets posing by as reporters from the BBC to a continual list of similarly RIDICULOUS scenes which needed to be CUT IMMEDIATELY.
If this is the best current working script Amazon Studios has they will be out of business within years.
And should be.
Offensive and stupid.
How was this not mentioned in the Notes???? It's like reading something written in Iran. Tone deaf and culturally foreign.
This script would not only not make any money - it would cost Amazon money. Prestige and taint the entire name as some kind of weird out-of-touch creepy corporation.
Strange. Very disappointed.
Now, looking back, that did have some racist/prejudice stereotypes there.
As an fyi, I think the notes are based on the first draft which did not include the baseball scene and the train scene. I might be mistaken as I've only read the latest draft.
While I'm not interested in a debate. I want to correct a couple things you have written because I think there are some inaccuracies.
1) I'm not sure you are reading it right. Vernon is not the Mugger character / who could honestly be any race. It doesn't matter. The reality is this happens in big cities. I wrote it to be ironic humor, not racism. But I can see how you can read it that way.
2) I think it's clear that Brice uses the image of his black employee (who's actually dressed up for a Halloween party) to scare Owen. This black employee, Vernon, results in a twist and he's extraordinarily helpful in the climax.
The use of race is never intended to be offensive, some jokes come from the complete ignorance of the characters. To that extent, yes, there are many stereotypes are used. Does the average everyday person hold stereotypes? Yes. Does it make sense a couple of these characters, with little in the way or real world experience, would use stereotypes? In this way, I envision audiences at times laughing at the ignorance/naivety of our characters. Should that include race? Is it going to be that way as it moves forward in production? No idea.
Race is used as a source of humor. A nerdy guy venturing out into the world. Can the screenplay avoid this altogether? Sure. Should it? Maybe. In the film, race is played up even farther, but honestly goes farther than I wrote in any draft of the script.
If you don't like our screenplay or project, I suggest you not devote time to a proposal. I don't plan to have a dialogue on this, because rarely does anything good or productive come from it. Hopefully this suffices.
I can tell you are a passionate writer in this and your other posts. Keep on keeping on. I wish you the best of luck on your writing.
Just to be clear, we are not white supremacists and any potential earnings will go toward the purchase of many hypoallergenic cats.
You never know when inspiration will strike :)
After thinking about it, it would be much funnier if the mugger was white. They'd go from acting weird around black people, to OH HEY a white guy who wants to help us... and then he mugs them.
Back to rewriting :)
Nonetheless, Amazon is using our first draft as a base and this scene wasn't in there :P
"Race is used as a source of humor. A nerdy guy venturing out into the world."
That could work, but it needs to be an ongoing theme from the beginning. It could be a very strong story element given prejudices and online anonymity. The woman driver could be Eurasian, with ambiguous conflicted online personalities and so on; Owen could stumble through many assumptions about Rishi's perhaps even West Indian background. Expectations based upon skin color and ethnic background could a rich source of story throughout. Even a hermit geek living in America though would have the opportunity to meet many black friends. Especially online. He would never refer to them as Africans. Not even in jest. That word is jarring.
"In the film, race is played up even farther, but honestly goes farther than I wrote in any draft of the script."
??? What film? No one has settled upon a script yet.
Drop the mugger altogether. He is unnecessary, doesn't move the story forward. In fact, the entire subway scene, the art museum should go. They are irrelevant. I have yet to read through the entire script and never read version one but the idea someone would convince German tourists to remove a painting from a museum wall is disturbingly contrived. Weird. It would never happen. Not even in magic Facebook land. Never. Don't use contrived events - the characters should be strong enough to generate their own stories, like interesting people do in the real world. Odd events are fine, but your audience has to trust you as a story teller. Don't insult them with magic hat solutions.
"Amazon is using our first draft as a base"
That would be nice to know. -Our?
You've put a lot of work into this. I especially like the imagined Facebook World, much can be done with that. Despite contrived scenes the first forty pages are genuinely solid - then it starts spinning out of control. You lose track of Jessica most importantly and the urgency of her supposed death. My 'attitude' when writing here is to ensure I maintain my own voice, so that, during a rewrite I am able to think clearly without pulled punches. We are all human, open to improvement. Nothing personal. Criticisms of you are based upon the assumption that if they were true you would still be able to overcome them - I would not criticize anything unchangeable.
Rock on, more power to you. Stay passionate.
AS made it known a couple weeks ago when they posted the notes for our first draft.
The film I was referring to was the test movie made. That was kind of a mash-up of our first draft and the draft of Clutch Singleton we let him upload since he was making his own test movie.