Story Department says:
We want your script to be the best that it can be, so we’re sharing with you the following feedback from our Story Department. This feedback is provided for informational use only, and is not in any way a request on our part for you to make changes in your screenplay.
Story Feedback: MR. MALCOLM’S LIST
Draft: 3rd Draft
Writer: Suzanne Allain
MR. MALCOLM’S LIST is an engaging story along the lines of THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST and KATE AND LEOPOLD , featuring a strong premise, rich setting, authentic period dialogue, and consistent tone. While the script has many excellent qualities, we believe it could be made even stronger by enhancing the following elements:
• Character Motivations and the 1st Act
• Malcolm’s Character
• The 2nd Act
• Julia’s Character
CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS AND THE 1ST ACT
While the script efficiently introduces the premise and characters, we’d like to actually delay these introductions somewhat, creating time to explore the motivations of its characters in greater depth. As currently written, we hear of Malcolm’s list by page 4, and by page 13, Julia has already recruited her friend Selina to be the pawn in Julia’s ambitious plan for revenge. Essentially, this is the end of the first act. By getting through these plot points so quickly, this leaves the script with an extended second act and abbreviates some chances for character development.
Let’s consider starting with a more dramatic scene. When we meet Malcolm and then Julia, Julia has already been rejected by Malcolm, but we never see it – we only hear Malcolm and Cassie’s discussion of the event. What if the script began with Malcolm’s rejection of Julia in a very public and embarrassing manner? In addition to being a more dynamic scene by showing, rather than telling, if we saw the rejection first hand, the audience might be more sympathetic to Julia’s plan. After this experience, Malcolm could be frustrated with the lack of quality mates at which point he could reveal his list to Cassidy. When Cassidy divulges Malcolm’s reasons for the rejection to Julia, Julia could be motivated to teach him a lesson by enlisting her friend Selina.
There might also be room here to explore Selina’s motivation. Is her life in Bath truly as dull as Julia makes it out to be? Moreover, is Julia introducing Selina to Julia’s high society friends really something that would motivate Selina to be a part of the charade? Consider other ways in which Selina’s character may be more driven to participate in Julia’s scheme: that she’s always longed to be part of high society, that her family is desperate for money and Julia would pay her off. Given the magnitude of the scheme that Julia is trying to pull off, all parties involved should have strong motivations.
MALCOLM’S CHARACTER
Malcolm is played well in this script as an unlikable yet charming character, a la Hugh Grant at the beginning of TWO WEEKS NOTICE, but consider giving his character a more pronounced arc. Even though Julia’s plan for revenge might be misguided, Malcolm really does need to learn a lesson. As he falls for Selina, Malcolm could genuinely come to realize that he has flaws of his own. He could be less materialistic, he could judge people not only by their miniscule faults, and he could learn that his perfect mate is quite possibly an imperfect woman. In the third act of the script, it seems that Malcolm has not learned much, still waiting on apologies from the women in his life, rather than apologizing for his own shortcomings. By bringing his character full circle, the script could fulfill the genre expectations of a romantic comedy and provide a more satisfying parity between his and Selina/Julia’s arcs.
Additionally, consider that Malcolm could have more at stake in his quest for a woman. The classic ultimatum would be that Malcolm might lose his inheritance if he doesn’t select a bride by X date, but the pressure could be from any number of things. By amping up the stakes of Malcolm’s situation, the stakes of the entire script would be elevated as well.
THE 2ND ACT
Although the second act is full of witty dialogue and charming scenes of confrontation and deception, consider that the script could feature some more dynamic scenes and moments that are less dependent on dialogue. As mentioned before, it can often be more compelling to show rather than tell, and employ the subtext of a scene. Given the nature of the script, there are numerous circumstances ripe for situational comedy – specifically, scenes that involve Selina pretending to be a woman that she is not, or Malcolm putting her to the test. Rather than another scene in the parlor, or a ballroom, what about a setting with more inherent conflict, like a badminton or croquet match, or fencing lessons? Perhaps Selina gets caught up in some sort of Victorian drinking game wherein she accidentally lets her true self shine through. While the witty dialogue is period accurate and contributes so much to the film, there might be ways to energize the underlying scenes.
JULIA’S CHARACTER
Julia’s plan to teach Malcolm a lesson about his chauvinistic list is relatable and humorous, but what is she ultimately hoping to achieve with her plot? In the end, if all works according to plan, is she hoping that Malcolm will see the err of his ways and ask for her hand? Does she even like Malcolm, or is she simply making a high society power play? If it’s the latter, than Julia really doesn’t have much at stake should she fail. Perhaps by employing her friend Selina to play the “perfect” woman, Julia is trying to get Malcolm to realize that she is his perfect suitor, only he falls for her “lesser” friend along the way. Building on this, by giving Julia more at stake in her pursuit, the tension of her scheme could be that much greater. Maybe if Julia doesn’t manage to pin down the last eligible bachelor in town, she’ll never be able to achieve some hoity-toity goal. Whatever it is, giving Julia stronger motivations and stakes could help build the drama of the script.
STRENGTHS
• Witty and period accurate dialogue
• Rich setting
• Strong premise
• Solid characters
QUESTIONS
• Could the first act be reformed to better define the characters’ motivations?
• Could Malcolm have more at stake, and undergo a more complete arc?
• Could the second act find places to be more dynamic?
• Could Julia’s motivations be more clearly defined?
Story Feedback: MR. MALCOLM’S LIST
Draft: 3rd Draft
Writer: Suzanne Allain
MR. MALCOLM’S LIST is an engaging story along the lines of THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST and KATE AND LEOPOLD , featuring a strong premise, rich setting, authentic period dialogue, and consistent tone. While the script has many excellent qualities, we believe it could be made even stronger by enhancing the following elements:
• Character Motivations and the 1st Act
• Malcolm’s Character
• The 2nd Act
• Julia’s Character
CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS AND THE 1ST ACT
While the script efficiently introduces the premise and characters, we’d like to actually delay these introductions somewhat, creating time to explore the motivations of its characters in greater depth. As currently written, we hear of Malcolm’s list by page 4, and by page 13, Julia has already recruited her friend Selina to be the pawn in Julia’s ambitious plan for revenge. Essentially, this is the end of the first act. By getting through these plot points so quickly, this leaves the script with an extended second act and abbreviates some chances for character development.
Let’s consider starting with a more dramatic scene. When we meet Malcolm and then Julia, Julia has already been rejected by Malcolm, but we never see it – we only hear Malcolm and Cassie’s discussion of the event. What if the script began with Malcolm’s rejection of Julia in a very public and embarrassing manner? In addition to being a more dynamic scene by showing, rather than telling, if we saw the rejection first hand, the audience might be more sympathetic to Julia’s plan. After this experience, Malcolm could be frustrated with the lack of quality mates at which point he could reveal his list to Cassidy. When Cassidy divulges Malcolm’s reasons for the rejection to Julia, Julia could be motivated to teach him a lesson by enlisting her friend Selina.
There might also be room here to explore Selina’s motivation. Is her life in Bath truly as dull as Julia makes it out to be? Moreover, is Julia introducing Selina to Julia’s high society friends really something that would motivate Selina to be a part of the charade? Consider other ways in which Selina’s character may be more driven to participate in Julia’s scheme: that she’s always longed to be part of high society, that her family is desperate for money and Julia would pay her off. Given the magnitude of the scheme that Julia is trying to pull off, all parties involved should have strong motivations.
MALCOLM’S CHARACTER
Malcolm is played well in this script as an unlikable yet charming character, a la Hugh Grant at the beginning of TWO WEEKS NOTICE, but consider giving his character a more pronounced arc. Even though Julia’s plan for revenge might be misguided, Malcolm really does need to learn a lesson. As he falls for Selina, Malcolm could genuinely come to realize that he has flaws of his own. He could be less materialistic, he could judge people not only by their miniscule faults, and he could learn that his perfect mate is quite possibly an imperfect woman. In the third act of the script, it seems that Malcolm has not learned much, still waiting on apologies from the women in his life, rather than apologizing for his own shortcomings. By bringing his character full circle, the script could fulfill the genre expectations of a romantic comedy and provide a more satisfying parity between his and Selina/Julia’s arcs.
Additionally, consider that Malcolm could have more at stake in his quest for a woman. The classic ultimatum would be that Malcolm might lose his inheritance if he doesn’t select a bride by X date, but the pressure could be from any number of things. By amping up the stakes of Malcolm’s situation, the stakes of the entire script would be elevated as well.
THE 2ND ACT
Although the second act is full of witty dialogue and charming scenes of confrontation and deception, consider that the script could feature some more dynamic scenes and moments that are less dependent on dialogue. As mentioned before, it can often be more compelling to show rather than tell, and employ the subtext of a scene. Given the nature of the script, there are numerous circumstances ripe for situational comedy – specifically, scenes that involve Selina pretending to be a woman that she is not, or Malcolm putting her to the test. Rather than another scene in the parlor, or a ballroom, what about a setting with more inherent conflict, like a badminton or croquet match, or fencing lessons? Perhaps Selina gets caught up in some sort of Victorian drinking game wherein she accidentally lets her true self shine through. While the witty dialogue is period accurate and contributes so much to the film, there might be ways to energize the underlying scenes.
JULIA’S CHARACTER
Julia’s plan to teach Malcolm a lesson about his chauvinistic list is relatable and humorous, but what is she ultimately hoping to achieve with her plot? In the end, if all works according to plan, is she hoping that Malcolm will see the err of his ways and ask for her hand? Does she even like Malcolm, or is she simply making a high society power play? If it’s the latter, than Julia really doesn’t have much at stake should she fail. Perhaps by employing her friend Selina to play the “perfect” woman, Julia is trying to get Malcolm to realize that she is his perfect suitor, only he falls for her “lesser” friend along the way. Building on this, by giving Julia more at stake in her pursuit, the tension of her scheme could be that much greater. Maybe if Julia doesn’t manage to pin down the last eligible bachelor in town, she’ll never be able to achieve some hoity-toity goal. Whatever it is, giving Julia stronger motivations and stakes could help build the drama of the script.
STRENGTHS
• Witty and period accurate dialogue
• Rich setting
• Strong premise
• Solid characters
QUESTIONS
• Could the first act be reformed to better define the characters’ motivations?
• Could Malcolm have more at stake, and undergo a more complete arc?
• Could the second act find places to be more dynamic?
• Could Julia’s motivations be more clearly defined?
