Still no feedback on "Moment in time" from the general public here on AS even done a few swaps but nothing back. The two that have, know who they are and I thank you very much.
Please! A review would help.
Sent you a message, Lauren. I would love to do a swap!
IMO your logline is scary... for 3 reasons:
1 - geeky can be good, but nerdy is bad
2 - it's poorly written and not even close to a traditional logline style
3 - if that is a representation of your writing then you're doomed from the getgo.
Maybe it's time to get away from tradition and get some good movies out there. I will take your recommendation for what it is worth and have asked for input on the logline Moment in Time does not conform to tradition read it and get back with me.
A log line shows potential readers what your story is about and hooks a potential audience. It also shows that the writer understands story. No matter how bad you think "traditional" movies are (there are a LOT of good ones) you still need a story.
"Parallel Universes. Could there be? Can we see them? Can one affect the others? Scientists in their arrogance do experiments to find answers to questions they don't understand. The Answer to this one may be the final answer to all."
A log line should be what a bunch of friends are discussing in the hope of finding something to watch that interests them.
If you said, "An arrogant scientist is so sure his experiment into parallel universes will land him a place in history, he does [this, then that happens] and he must correct his mistakes to avoid all universes imploding" or something along those lines, that's a log line.
What you do within the script doesn't have to be conventional, but if there isn't a coherent story no will will make it, and if you self-finance it, no one will go see it.
Antony this is one I was playing with.
The final hours of three scientists dedicated in finding the truth, each in their own parallel Universe, their own demons, dreams and ideas connect in the final experiment. The answer they find is the final answer.
Only problem is it doesn't ask the true question of the story if there are parallel Universes could one affect the other.
One more thing is I said that wrong I do enjoy traditional Movies but have not found many of the new movies worth going to.
The final hours of what? The truth about what? Real demons? What is the experiment about? The final answer to what question?
See now you are asking questions you need answered to, do you in this case read the script or just wonder about it?
Well in this case all three paralell Universes. that every proton contains a Universe. The last experiment is they look in side an proton and find the paralell universes but in doing so produce a black hole that starts the big bang all over again.
Why would anyone start the Big Bang all over again?
remember beam me up scotting no inteligent life here, just mabe someone would get it right the next time.
"See now you are asking questions you need answered to, do you in this case read the script or just wonder about it?" neither. this is what you don't get. a logline is a pre-sell marketing tool. it's suppose to tell you exactly what you're getting. people don't want to be confused or wonder. you have to "sell" it! and your logline is more like one of those commercials where people are wondering what it is you're trying to sell. not good!
what you're trying to write are taglines. these things are written by a marketing team AFTER production.
hope that makes sense.
I like the logline in principle but I would hint at where it's heading. The ultimate goal and what opposes that goal. You don't have to get all the specifics in but it sounds like it may appeal to a particular demographic.
Well got a review of the script and according to him nothing was right about the script. So I have to pick up the pieces and move forward. I have gotten two other very different opinions on the script so have to take each on face value.
Lisa, it does make sense and thank you very much, putting it into just a few words well that is the hard part.
Anthony, unfortunately as brought out in the review all three groups achieve their goals, and with very little opposition. But by one group achieving it, it destroys all. The story follows them for the six final hours and the Moment in time is the last moment and time starts over as in the Big Bang.
I believe it is a good story and some agree from here we will see.
Completely different Question An old Indian sitting on the floor of a hut, chanting. is it action line or his name, Dialogue is chanting?
Just remember that years ago, someone told George Lucas that Star Wars was a bunch of bunk. You wanted a review and I think I gave you a fair one, but the last time I checked, I'm not a famous screenwriter who should be considered a guru.
What I am is a guy who thinks he has a fairly good grasp of three-act structure, largely because my old manager hounded me about it constantly. When I read your script, I didn't see any act breaks or plot points that drove it forward. It was mainly people talking, and that's a problem.
Also, and I'm just trying to be as honest as possible, anyone who has read the posts in this forum can plainly see that you struggle with grammar in general (not that an Internet forum is typically where people really worry about proper grammar). Your sentence structure is very different, and frankly, it's a bit hard to understand. In all seriousness, I bet if you offered, someone at this site would charge you a reasonable amount to go through your script and edit it for you. I would myself if I had the time!
One last thing: you mentioned in a message to me that you've had friends read your script and they liked it a lot. Of course they did-- they are your friends. It's very difficult to get meaningful feedback from friends and relatives because they love you and don't want to hurt your feelings! Especially moms-- they will tell you anything you write deserves an Oscar, and that's why we love them so much. That's also why this site is so handy: we are giving you unbiased opinions on your work.
As corny as it sounds, guys like us are in this together. We're just trying to make our mark, and as picky as my notes were, that's just my way of helping you get there. I wish you the best of luck!
Just a statement regarding this statement you made.
"One last thing: you mentioned in a message to me that you've had friends read your script and they liked it a lot. Of course they did-- they are your friends."
I have inclosed my message:
Chris Early (St. Joseph)
May 15, 2012 12:16 AM PST
Thank you for the review.
To clarify page 7
You did it Dr. Weston, they gave you six hours, shit it says. (Pause)
I have been trying to "clarify" but how do I explain Aaron reading a form letter that gives them six hours then realizes that the six hours were that night. Boring maybe but very clear.
We are having a small barbeque tonight and I let the people here read your review, some had read the script most not but all got to this point and asked what part couldn't he understand. Two are published writers and have read the script both with a more positive idea's of the story both agree that it need some work as do I.
Don't get this wrong I appreciate any review and will value it as always
The gathering last night was a group of businessmen from the community where I am running for commissioner believe me not friends. A question on writing came up and I introduced them to AS.
You can believe they are honest and very straightforward. It turned into a very interesting conversation.
Lauren, That dialogue should be written as:
"You did it, Dr. Weston. They gave you six hours. Shit! It says it's... tonight.'
I think that's what Chris is trying to say and if your friends didn't find anything wrong with it, then you are having the wrong people read your work.
Lauren, it seems a bit strange that random businessmen at your BBQ would have read your script, but hey-- a read is a read. Whatever the case, you are at least "friendly" with these people, and friendly people try to be polite. That's all I'm suggesting. It's sometimes better to have people you don't know read your work.
Thanks Joe Same words with proper punctuation which has been a problem all my life.
It is interesting to note.
"Both with a more positive idea's of the story both agree that it needs some work as do I."
'Even with my limited ability in Grammar and Punctuation the above statement does not state they or myself believe nothing was wrong with the script.
They just understood the story I was telling.
if you ask people to review your work and then don't listen to it or respect what they have to say then you won't get many people giving you reviews anymore.
i did read the first few pages of your script (a while back) and was bored out of my skull with all that passive voice. that might be okay for novel writing, but it's not good for screenwriting.
i suggest you read more scripts... a lot more and pick ones from movies similar to what you're trying to write. just google: TITLE PDF and many of them will pop up. please study the sentence structure and wording. notice that "thoughts" are not allowed. and Chris' notes about "show don't tell" is vital. in novels you can tell because people need to see it in their head. but you're writing a screenplay which is visual. the script is a blueprint and you have to be the set designer as well.
try reading a script at the exact same time you're watching the movie. i'll bet you've never done that before. the experience will be eye-opening.
Well, Lauren. As I see it, there are two kinds of understanding when it comes to your script. There is "I understand what you are trying to say" and there is "I understand what you are trying to do."
I am going to take a guess and say that the acquaintances are saying they understand what you are saying where (and correct me if I am wrong, Chris) Chris is saying that he doesn't understand what you are trying to do. I think he does understand what you are saying in the script albeit with the grammar mistakes, but he doesn't understand the whole picture. ie Why you are writing it this way. You have explained it already and It's obviously on purpose. That doesn't make it OK. Chris did say that people laughed in Lucas' face over Star Wars, but that was classic story telling at its core and the public love it becasue of that. Based on your previous posts, you are trying to "break the tradition" of story telling. This is not going to be easy as it has been done this way since the beginning. I would not try to redesign the wheel as a different shape, that simply won't work, but maybe make it from a different material. You might get a better response.
Joe and Lisa I agree with all your statements and Lisa I will try that Idea with the script sound interesting.
As I said in my note to Chris
"Don't get this wrong I appreciate any review and will value it as always" And will take any and all help to heart.
Yes Chris's review stung not because he pointed out errors but that he obviously did not understand the story I was trying to tell. Grammar, spelling and "passive voice" problems can be solved but understanding is a completely different problem.
The funniest thing about this one is that I actually did pay someone to prof read it. Guess I need to get my money back.
Lauren, if I said that I didn't understand the story you're trying to tell, then I simply misspoke. For that, I apologize.
I DID understand the story. I just didn't feel as if it worked. I made it very clear in my notes that your act structure is incredibly flawed, and for the most part, there's just a lot of people talking. It's not that I didn't understand your idea, though.
When I wrote my first script around 1999, I was just positive that producers "didn't understand my story." I had to take my knocks and grow as a writer to realize that they completely understood my work. The trouble was that they understood it well enough to know it was crap!
Getting beat up in a script review is tough. Trust me-- I've been there too many times and it stinks each time. But defensively saying that the reader just "didn't understand" the material is a refusal to acknowledge that script needs very serious work.
Again, though, I wish you all the best. I would love nothing more than for you to prove me wrong, and if Moment in Time hits the big screen, I'll be there rooting you on...
...but can a brother at least get a free jumbo popcorn for giving you some notes? Pretty please?
As we all know Moment in Time will never be seen on the big screen but it will be the first part of my third book and I do thank you for your review and notes.
I use AS mostly for finding if and Idea works but unfortunatly I have very poor skills with grammar and script writing. I thought I was able to get and Idea pretinant to today across though.
I will use your notes. Popcorns out though you'd want exta butter
The idea of destroying the whole world with a new Big Bang is only pertinent to today's world if the villains are trying to do this, and if someone stops them from getting away with it. The closest story I'm aware of that came close to what you're trying and succeeded (albeit with dark humor) was "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". As a book it became a bestseller. As a movie it flopped.