Hipster & The Schoolgirl

Creator: Brenton Lonkey
Age rating: 17 and older
One wants money, the other wants revenge. One wants to clear his name, while the other is sent to kill him.
Project collaboration: Open
Full synopsis
Dialogue tracks
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Synopsis: One wants money, the other wants revenge. One wants to clear his name while the other was sent to kill him. That’s the plot behind the gritty and obsessively violent tale of Hipster & The Schoolgirl.

Only known by her alias “The Schoolgirl“, she’s beautiful with ever-changing colored wigs. She’s also a cold-blooded killer. With the help of her partner in crime, alias “the Hipster“, they set out to heist money from the mob whenever one of their business deals involves a money exchange.

The Hipster is a detached killer that finds solace in a phone sex operator named Chera. The death of his father at a young age has left him scarred emotionally. The phone being less than personal, allows him to tell her things he could never say to someone face-to-face.

Identical looking to the Hipster is Masa, a serial killer hitman working for the mob. He’s also just been fingered as the one heisting the money. Masa must clear his name with the boss by finding the right guy and fast, cause not only does he have the mob’s number one contract killer after him, but he also has the FBI on his trail for a bunch of serial killings he’s been doing on his free time.

Director Suzuki is making a film. He’s been making his film for almost four years now. He’s always looking for new and shocking footage to shoot. But to raise money for his film, he works for his dad, the mob boss, as a triggerman. He enjoys his job, seeing as it mostly brings in the opportunity to shoot some interesting new footage. But in his heart, he’s not a killer, but the world’s next great director. So he tolerates it with his cameraman/girlfriend by his side, who is always filming. But when he hears that his next target is Masa, he jumps at the chance to film his death.

After doing some detective work, Masa learns of The Schoolgirl’s sightings. Seems Masa, Suzuki and The Schoolgirl were all once childhood friends. But while playing war with BB guns as kids one day, The Schoolgirl mistakes the Hipster for Masa and ends up shooting and killing his father. Since then the three haven’t talked to one another. But oddly enough all ended up working for the same crime organization.

Masa tortures The Schoolgirl until she gives up the Hipster. In the morning they all setoff to meet up at a coffee shop. Suzuki finds himself at the wrong one, while the Hipster and Masa take their gun battle through several blocks, until they end up at a video store. There Masa knocks him out and waits in a meat locker nearby for the Hipster to clear his name.

Unfortunately, they send Suzuki to take care of it. And take care of it he does, Masa gets a bullet between the eyes and a role in Suzuki’s film.

The Hipster goes off to find The Schoolgirl to finally take his revenge, he takes her to the place his father was killed and executes her.

Bleeding to death by a gunshot wound Masa left him with, the Hipster confides in Chera the phone sex operator one last time over a pay phone. Telling his story and what he did, they call the cops on him, minutes later the police show up. But instead of going out quietly, the Hipster goes out firing.

Latest Work

  • Trailer 8 - A means to an end
    02/03/12
    Creative Notes:
    Recut of my previous trailer. Shorter in length, more to the point quicker for the setup. Quicker cuts. Less titles. Switched music moods towards the end to give a deeper more dramatic feel. Still portraying the story lines of Maza and Hipster
  • Test Movie 3 - HD 2nd Cut
    12/29/11
    Creative Notes:
    Made the following changes:
    The opening Big Bean Cafe scene is better paced.
    Added Jon dialogue over the phone with Old Timer in the diner.
    Added a scene after the "Suzuki with actors" scene to better establish the Hipster possibly "liking" the Schoolgirl to make ending dialogue more credible.
    Tweaked the action scene a little bit: more sound, a few quicker cuts, etc.
    And other minor tweaks.
  • Script 12 - J.'s 6th Draft
    12/31/11
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    Creative Notes:
    Got some notes and feedback, went in a pretty new direction. Essentially a page-one re-write.
    Hipster, Schoolgirl, and Aaron all have a new dynamic and backstory. Boiled down the criminal enterprise to a Yakuza vs. Mafia turf war.
    Finished in time for New Years... not guaranteed to be typo free.
    PDF
    RTF

All Work

  • Trailer 7 - Killer vs Killer
    01/20/12
    Creative Notes:
    More directed to the main storyline. More dramatic, building to Quicker, faster cuts. More action.
  • Script 11 - Brenton's 5th Draft
    12/21/11
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    Creative Notes:
    Changes: Axed the FBI agents. pages 1-5 dialogue changes. pages 11-13, changed a character name. pages 14-16, changed more dialogue. pages 16-26, changed scene, changed dialogue. pages 31-33, changed some dialogue. pages 34-35, showed young aaron training the kids. pages 36-40, changed character name, dialogue. page 61, changed Suzukis monologue. fixed typos and continuity issues through out.
    PDF
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  • Script 10 - J.'s 5th Draft
    11/30/11
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    Creative Notes:
    Medium rewrite - some scenes tightened to allow for more backstory and explaination. Changed the ending. Changed the dynamic between Aaron, Hipster & Schoolgirl a little bit.
    PDF
    RTF
  • Trailer 6 - "Gunshots" Director's Theatrical Version
    11/30/11
    Creative Notes:
    This is the "official" trailer for the 1st cut of the movie.
  • Trailer 5 - Theatrical Trailer
    11/29/11
    Creative Notes:
    Music courtesy of the Amazon Studios Music Library:
    Ironweed - Thorn
    Arts and Kraphts Galleries - American You
    The Celebrity Pilots - Every Move a Picture
  • Test Movie 2 - HD First Cut (720P)
    11/28/11
    Creative Notes:
    A new version is available. Please watch the "HD 2nd Cut" for a better paced Big Bean Cafe opening scene, a few more gunshots, some louder gunshots, various minor adjustments, and an all new scene!

    HD 1st cut. A live action test movie.
  • Test Movie 1 - First Cut
    11/27/11
    Creative Notes:
    A new version is available. Please watch the HD 2nd Cut!

    This is the first edit. A live action test movie.
    This version is a smaller file and the compression looks rough. Please watch the HD version if you can.
  • Trailer 2 - Day 1 & 2 Version
    11/01/11
    Creative Notes:
    This trailer uses footage from our second day of shooting mixed with some from the first. A sort of character introduction piece. Enjoy!
  • Script 9 - Brenton's 4th Draft
    10/31/11
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    Creative Notes:
    THRILLER KILLER EDITION: pages 1-3, changed dialogue, character descriptions. Pages 12-23, cut dialogue. Pages 23-28, changed character names of FBI agents, changed dialogue, scene and character descriptions. Pages 78-79, amped up action, gave Aaron a grenade launcher. Pages 106-108, brought back FBI agents to make them seem relevant. Fixed typos, added more obscure references, more dark humor.
    PDF
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  • Script 8 - J.'s 4th Draft
    10/31/11
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    Creative Notes:
    Added more of the King. His interactions with the mafia and how his predicament gets a little more precarious as a result of the Hipster & the Schoolgirl's actions, and a little more information about his rise to power.
    Changed some dialogue to eliminate a little redundancy and smooth out the ending.
    Fixed plot holes, fixed typos, probably made some new ones.
    PDF
    RTF
  • Trailer 1 - Day 1 Shoot Teaser
    10/27/11
    Creative Notes:
    This is a rough cut teaser to showcase highlights from our first day of shooting.
  • Script 7 - Brenton's 3rd Draft
    09/23/11
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    Creative Notes:
    plot holes and things that really needed to be changed, thanks to JM and his draft, made it clear what i should do. changes: pages 60-62, i fixed the audition the hipster had to do for the schoolgirl to get the job. pages 73-76, gave more time for H&S to talk, added plot device. pages 84-85, scene was fixed. pages 95-98 suzuki lets hipster go after promise of money, H&S leave city.
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  • Script 6 - J.'s 3rd Draft
    08/23/11
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    Creative Notes:
    Differences from Brenton's Original:
    Defined the crime syndicate a little differently.
    Cut some sub-plots, expanded others involving backstory.
    Made the Hipster less a-moral and complicated his feelings for the Schoolgirl.
    Toned down Masa, but made him sicker in other ways.

    Got some feedback on my previous drafts, fixed some logic holes and typos.
    Streamlined some excessive dialogue.
    PDF
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  • Script 5 - J.'s 2nd Draft
    08/17/11
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    Creative Notes:
    There is a new draft available.
    PDF
    RTF
  • Script 4 - J.'s 1st Draft
    08/15/11
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    Creative Notes:
    There is a new draft available.
    New draft at:
    http://studios.amazon.com/scr...
    PDF
    RTF
  • Script 3 - Jamster's 1st Draft
    07/16/11
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    Creative Notes:
    I love this sp's 'voice' BUT felt the transition between the scenes let it down - too slow/clanky!

    So I corrected that in a stylistic way - to maintain the overal 'hip' feel of the piece.

    I deleted scenes, and altered dialogue/action/structure as well.

    More can be done in these areas - plus I shall get into the real meat of the story' on my next rev.

    92 pages BUT feels 85mins MAX!!
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  • Script 2 - Brenton's 2nd Draft
    05/26/11
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    Creative Notes:
    fixed some typos, but that doesnt mean it's typo free. sometimes i'm a lazy proofreader.
    PDF
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  • Script 1 - Brenton's Original Draft
    11/19/10
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    Creative Notes:
    fixed some typos in the 2nd draft.
    PDF
    RTF