America’s Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String

Notable Projects
Creator: Jason Ungate
Age rating: 13 and older
Before James Bond, there was Benjamin Franklin: inventor, philanthropist, and the single largest exporter of kicking British ass. Using his array of inventions and weapons, Franklin is a one-man army thirsty for Redcoat blood, especially when he's wrongly accused of treason.
Project collaboration: Open
Full synopsis
Dialogue tracks
Discussions (47)
Synopsis: Benjamin Franklin is remembered as an inventor, a philanthropist, and America's most important Founding Father, but what history neglects to inform us is Franklin's status as the single largest exporter of kicking British ass. Using his array of inventions and weapons, Franklin is a one-man army thirsty for Redcoat blood. But when the champion of the American Revolution is framed for aiding the British, Benjamin Franklin finds himself wanted for treason and on the run in his hometown of Philadelphia. Now his friends have become his enemies, and his enemies—well, they're still his enemies, too. In order to clear his name, Franklin must battle other colonial leaders like George Washington, John Adams, and Benedict Arnold, all while exposing a devious plot masterminded by an English general.

America's Benjamin Franklin in: The Electrocution String is an explosive and comedic retelling of the most important event in the history of the United States. Benjamin Franklin is the James Bond of his day, from the gizmos, gadgets, and expensive car to the sexy “Bond girl” Betsy Ross. The Electrocution String is non-stop action, mystery, and comedy all rolled up into one, induced with extensive research in colonial history.

Latest Work

All Work

  • Script 101 - Jamster's 5th Draft
    10/17/12
    Creative Notes:
    I've been adding a few bits and pieces to my draft that just missed the deadline to the 'punch-up' comp previous.

    Got around halfway, thought I'd upload what I've done thus far as it's been around two months and it'll prob be xmas before I manage to get thru the remainder.

    Touch of the 'english 'monty phythonesque humor I hope you enjoy - feel free to comment - cheers, Jim.
    PDF
  • Script 100 - Britney's 1st Draft
    06/24/12
    Creative Notes:
    We stayed fairly true to Jason's original development while using slight dialogue changes to make the characters goofier. Franklin became a bad ass with a bizarre temper and at times far too literal. As opposed to taking out the era innapproprate inventions, we went for a more "Naked Gun" style ambience. Cliche' jokes and references to modern sayings were "punched up" to achieve this style.
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  • Script 99 - Lisa's 3rd Draft
    06/22/12
    Creative Notes:
    This version breaks the 4th wall with the comedic stylings of Mel Brooks.
    Ben Franklin doesn't kill because that's just not funny.
    The comedy was adjusted to have real historical relevance to all of the supporting characters, especially the flamboyant John Hancock.
    Everyone fights together in the end (to defeat Wenslydale) as the Founding Fathers should.
    PDF
  • Trailer 9 - Connolly Trailer 02
    02/17/12
    Creative Notes:
    New voices from real actors! Tighter beats. New bits.
  • Trailer 8 - Reedholm Trailer Animated
    02/06/12
    Creative Notes:
    Animated trailor using xtranormal software based upon my rewrite of Jason's script. Added From Amazon Studios, but mainly tried to improve WMV to MP4 codec conversion to remove slight pixalization of first trailer. Be nice if AS had test load area.
  • Trailer 7 - Reedholm Animated Trailer
    02/05/12
    Creative Notes:
    Did page 1 rewrite of Jason's script & wanted to play with this new software from Xtranormal (beta version for desktop)! Had trailer include my script's homage to Mel Brooks, the man!
    Uploaded file looks slightly pixelated on AS, but crystal clear on my PC. WTF?! Will need to try and fix later with another codec conversion.
  • Trailer 6 - Connolly Trailer
    02/03/12
    Creative Notes:
    This is a fun, action comedy romp in the vein of Mel Brooks and Austin Powers. It ain't your Great, Great, Great, Great.... Great Grandfather's Revolution.
  • Script 98 - David's 1st Draft
    02/03/12
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    Creative Notes:
    This is the fun, fast, action comedy trailer version of the film we'd want to see. It introduces the key characters, lays out their motives and has some kick ass action.
    This is the script the trailer directed by Amy Kate Connolly was based on.
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  • Script 97 - Matthew's 3rd Draft
    02/01/12
    Creative Notes:
    This script punches up a lot of the dialogue and changes the ending slightly.
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  • Script 96 - Jamster's 4th Draft
    02/01/12
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  • Script 95 - T.N.'s 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    I reframed the story (new intro and end) and teamed Washington up with Franklin for much of the script. Samuel is Franklin's carriage driver and less offensive. No jail scenes. I also added in Franklin's daughter Sally, who is kidnapped early on. Not a page 1 rewrite, but a lot of alterations were made. Kept obvious modern tech out.
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  • Script 94 - Eugene's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    A kung-fu comedy take on "America's Ben Franklin". I added Isaac Newton as Ben Franklin's old kung fu master and included more historical figures as master martial artists.
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  • Script 93 - Terry's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    New opening and closing with a different setup. Makes it more acceptable as a tall tale. A few changes along they way to help pull everything along the same direction.
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  • Script 92 - Chad's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
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    Creative Notes:
    Ripped from the pages of history comes an amazing adventure of tomfoolery set against the epic canvas of the American Revolution. A take on the Jason Ungate premise that incorporates my favorite elements into a sprawling action adventure comedy in the vein of Pirates of the Caribbean and Sherlock Holmes. Burnt both ends of the candle on this one, but made the cut!
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  • Script 91 - Ben's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    Revisions for punch-up contest
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  • Script 90 - Jerry's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    Made several scene changes, but the story remains unchanged.
    Revised opening scene.
    Samuel is single and has a bigger role.
    Revised ending.
    Added new British privates who have their own agenda.
    Addressed some of the Amazon Studios story notes regarding Betsy's and Samuel's actions.
    Various other changes.
    The major additions are in red font to make them easy to distinguish.
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  • Script 89 - George's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    New opening, party, and chase scenes in the vein of Sherlock Holmes. Introduced Henry Knox as somewhat of a sidekick to Washington and potentially part of a trio with Franklin and Betsy later on. Knox essentially replaces Jason's Arnold character (who is not yet newly presented under these revisions, but intended as a villain). Knox has, however, only been added to revised scenes for this draft.
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  • Script 88 - Andres's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    I introduce a much stronger, crafty and evil antagonist. The weapon drives the story from the beginning. Betsy Ross is sluttier. Franklin sleeps with Washington's mom. Franklin steals Washington's denture, every chance he gets. Betsy sees stars from Franklin's dildo. And much, much more.
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  • Script 87 - Paul's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    This has a new hook to show the awesome lethality of Ben Franklin's top secret amphibious battle suit. Also, Ben Franklin's personality has been modified to be more that of a brilliant, but reluctant assassin, as opposed to being an indiscriminate killer. (bad RTF upload, please read the PDF)
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  • Script 86 - John's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    I tried to increase the comedy, while keeping the same style/tone as the original. I made some major changes to the plot, but tried to keep all the best parts of the original. One addition is Ben Franklin sent on a secret spy mission to investigate a possible traitor-Washington. All same characters, but some are more complex. I tried to make it as much as I could like the posted logline.
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  • Script 85 - Amy's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    All pages have edits as compared to the original. Since I added a new first scene, at the very least every scene has been moved down a page or two, though I may have kept the scene relatively intact, just in a different place. I added some more historical characters, reworked acts two and three to help with flow and to add more jokes. Also changed some inventions for a better fit.
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  • Script 84 - Tungamirai's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    Removed about thirty pages and then punched up the remainder. Some characters like Old Charlotte and General bright were also removed.
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  • Script 83 - Britney's 2nd Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    Stayed pretty parallel to Jason's original development. "Punched up" some of the more cliche' jokes and references to modern day phrases to a more slap-stick dialogue. Gave the characters goofier personalities for an over all "Naked Gun" ambience. Made Ben a bad ass with a non-sensical temper, when combined with his age, era, & build made for a funnier hero rather than the straight guy approach.
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  • Script 82 - Lauri's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
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    Creative Notes:
    This is a page one rewrite: the story is now a “realistic” PG-13 proto-steampunk action-adventure with touches of humor, in the vein of “Sherlock Holmes.” I tried to address AS’s notes re anachronistic technology, the pace and energy of the 2d and 3rd acts, Betsy’s motivation, and Sam’s character. I also added obscure historical characters and real quotes. 92 pgs RTF; 85 PDF/FD.
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  • Script 81 - Rayomatic's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
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  • Script 80 - Jon-Paul's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    Didn't change much at all, but thought I'd contribute anyway. Pages 1,2,3, first scene was the biggest and best change- punched it up, rewrote and retooled the technology. Also changed the technology on pages 57 and 91. Formatting issues on those pages. No other changes. Hope this can help the project in some way!
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  • Script 79 - Colin's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    [RTF VERSION OPENS PROPERLY IN WORD]

    I changed Samuel's character to be an out-of-period modernized comedic representation of a black man. Think JB Smoove or Sam Jackson. Present day. I also changed Louisa in a similar manner. The scenes at Hill House are consequently quite different.

    Other changes are relatively minor. Some added jokes. Some feminine fighting from Washington.

    Enjoy.
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  • Script 78 - Paul's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    I made changes to each act, added jokes and a new intro and a new act 3. I added historical figures including; Peggy Arnold, Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton, La Fayette, Patrick Henry, and Aaron Burr. changed Samuel , Betsy, Wenslydale, and Benedict Arnold. I added several new characters. added a musical number to bridge acts 2 & 3. would have liked to do more, but I ran out of time.
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  • Script 77 - Jon's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
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    Creative Notes:
    Punch up turned into page 1 rewrite. Focused on addressing everything in AS notes plus historical & plots issues. Made story revolve around slutty Betsy, Ben, and activist Samuel Cain from start, plus Adams, Hancock & Jefferson roped in - all against Washington! More sexual innuendo. A lot. Made car, boat, etc. antiquated & outrageous. And most critical, made characters rich & dialogue sharp.
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  • Script 76 - james's 4th Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    Punch up 2
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  • Script 75 - Jake's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    Significant changes include changing Franklin’s character into a sauve rogue. Samuel Hill is transformed into a wannabe inventor who is obsessed with Benjamin Franklin and wants to be just like him. The story now centers on a middle aged teacher participating in “colonial day” at school by telling students the story of AMERICA'S BEN FRANKLIN IN: THE ELECTROCUTION STRING.
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  • Script 74 - George's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    Made the encounters with the Hessians and Wensleydale more humorous. Lampshaded plot holes to turn them into gags. Gave Samuel and Arnold more to do in the final fight.
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  • Script 73 - james's 3rd Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    punch up 1
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  • Script 72 - Zan's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    Cut a lot of expository dialogue, reworked/rearranged a number of scenes to keep up tension and make Franklin a more active protagonist. Overhauled Wensleydale's character to give him more motivation and make him more of a comic player. Developed Samuel and Arnold's quirks and tightened up their dialogue.
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  • Script 71 - Christopher's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    A comedy punch up and rewrite. 2nd & 3rd Act changed – Wensl is seeking missing ES part. Significant scene/character/dialogue changes for the rest. Comedic tone evened out - Naked Gun/Airplane: LOTS of over-the-top dialogue, gags, spoofs & parody. Increased Betsy role - she is a kick-ass agent for the US Gov (rescues Ben from prison) – and still a spy. Sam younger/naïve. Added 5 henchmen.
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  • Script 70 - Chris's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    We just made a few changes to Jason's original. The story is essentially the same. Beefed up the motivations of Betsy and Samuel. And inserted our own brand humor.
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  • Script 69 - Ryan's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    I added a wacky introduction involving a historian giving brief background on what is happening. I changed Samuel Hill to Samantha Hill... I found this to be less offensive and a homage to strong black women such as Pam Grier/Foxy Brown. I kept technology mostly steampunk influenced. The only exception is I did keep the '56 Thunderbird because it was too crazy to cut.
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  • Script 68 - Maria's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    I added the German dialogue to the first few pages with the English subtitles. I attempted this
    in rtf format.
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  • Script 67 - James C.'s 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    The script has moved along the same idea as the original script but act 2 and act 3 were completely rewritten with a different ending. Character portrayals were altered for John Adams, Betsy Ross, General Arnold and Samuel Hill.
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  • Script 65 - Karl Peter's 2nd Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    Über spy; SAM HILL (a Puerto Rican lady-boy alias Betsy Ross when in the employ of the British) is a ‘John Leguizamo’ type which takes the best of both original characters to another level and eradicates the original weakness of Sam Hill. Contains 25 ‘Punch-Ups’ and John Adams is later promoted to the role of side-kick for the sequel. With inventions galore.
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  • Script 64 - Alexander's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    1) Introduced buddy action comedy dynamics between Franklin and Washington in acts one and two (think "Sherlock Holmes")

    2) Streamlined the confusing structure, reworked the historical humor from the ground up (think "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead")

    3) Played off the iconicness of the main characters in act three (think "V for Vendetta")
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  • Script 63 - Mark's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
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  • Script 62 - Thomas's 1st Draft
    01/31/12
    Creative Notes:
    Changes made to every page except pages 2, 62, and 63.

    I have added in more jokes, made the antagonist Wensleydale more menacing and amusing, made the Betsy Ross character more sexy, condensed a number of subplots, introduced a new “MacGuffin” in the form of Franklin's TIME MACHINE, removed the Electrocution String, and many more changes.

    Alternate title: BENJAMIN BADASS: FUTURE FRANKLIN.
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  • Script 61 - Stanley's 1st Draft
    01/30/12
    Creative Notes:
    This revision is just an attempt to punch up the humor, mainly in the dialog. Even more fun was had giving Franklin more credit for history than is factual and playing around with some of his famous sayings before they were set in stone. The original script has a lot worth keeping, but it suffered from forced and inappropriate humor. This is what I tried to work on. The page count was not altered.
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  • Script 60 - Trevor's 1st Draft
    01/30/12
    Creative Notes:
    I cut back on the historical references and went wild with the farce. You can't take this script seriously - meaning that if it's going to be a comedy, it has to be an outrageous farce. Betsy's character is amped up to reflect this. The biggest change was eliminating the Sam Hill character and replacing him with a strong woman, accused of being a witch, who is also a love interest for Arnold.
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  • Script 59 - Charles 's 1st Draft
    01/30/12
    Creative Notes:
    Added a narrative vehicle for the whole story, giving the ridiculousness and humor of it all a context to work in. Reworked some possible offensive lines and gave them a more good-humored nature. Added some extra flavor to certain characters persona's and their lines. Accentuated the absurdity of the premise, squeezing extra laughs out.
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  • Script 58 - J.M.'s 1st Draft
    01/30/12
    Creative Notes:
    Comedy punch up for contest. See first two pages for summary of changes/jokes/scenes added.
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  • Script 57 - Veronica's 1st Draft
    01/30/12
    Creative Notes:
    Comments like "Washington doesn’t want my help, so let him blunder this war" are gone. Why? Rather than coming across as a badass, Franklin comes across as an asshole. With the revision he's more likable, and humor comes from well developed situations, not just punchlines. Better developed characters emerge as a result. Read synopsis for a better story summary and description of characters.
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  • Script 56 - Antony's 1st Draft
    01/30/12
    Creative Notes:
    Kept to the spirit of the original plot and structure: New Scenes include: Betsy seduction scene, Betsy's Messenger Hog - new elements include ThunderHoof and Thunderboat, Washington's Teeth played as a piano by Franklin during a fight scene, Johnson having a bigger role, Toothless Washington turning up at the end - for a new portrait.
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  • Script 55 - A. D.'s 1st Draft
    01/30/12
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    Creative Notes:
    I focused on a punch up of the dialogue & adding jokes & refining character. My take made Franklin more likeable, Washington a bit more pompous, & played up the farcical elements between Franklin and Betsy (fleshed her out more). Punched up their relationship, her intro, & situational humor. Added double-entendres throughout. Ramped up action, added car chase & Betsy doesn't die in the end.
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  • Script 54 - Wyatt B's 1st Draft
    01/30/12
    Creative Notes:
    I kept the structure of the story intact and utilized some of the notes from the Story Department. Edited and punched up the dialogue with sight gags and jokes.
    Stronger motivation arc for Betsy Ross. Expanded role of Samuel Hill, giving him financial/business motive to help Franklin and gave him the end heroics.
    Got rid of the Thunderbird and made the speedboat coal-powered.
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  • Script 52 - Sydney's 1st Draft
    01/30/12
    Creative Notes:
    This is a different read then the original script. Added jokes, sights gags, shortening lines to increase pace, added more movement, changed jail scene for more action, gave Samuel larger role, more lines for background characters, cut a scene, and a little scene shifting... nothing major though.
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  • Script 51 - Chad's 1st Draft
    01/30/12
    Creative Notes:
    I've trimmed down to 106 pages total. Dialogue is practically all new. Significant changes to plot, but still keeps some of the basic structure. Created a side kick for Washington and eliminated some characters including Louisa. Overall, tone is much lighter and campier.
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  • Script 50 - David's 2nd Draft
    01/29/12
    Creative Notes:
    Added narrative on steps of Franklin Institute, added more gags, a couple of flashbacks about the kite, spoofed several movies including Indiana Jones Series "Back to the Future," and "Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix" in a big duel with sparks. My attempt was to use as many type of humor as I could, there are puns, spoofs, sight gags, jokes, double meanings, innuendo, bathroom humor.
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  • Script 48 - clayton's 1st Draft
    01/29/12
    Creative Notes:
    Changes include the complete elimination of Samuel Hill, Jar Jar Binks, and Donkey. See first page for more details.
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  • Trailer 5 - Lisa's Pitch
    01/29/12
  • Script 47 - Lisa's 1st Draft
    01/29/12
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    Creative Notes:
    Fisticuffs of Fury Punched Up Version.
    See title and first page for details.
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  • Script 46 - Lisa's 2nd Draft
    01/29/12
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    Creative Notes:
    Fistcuffs of Fury Punched Up Version -- This one breaks the 4th WALL!!!!
    See title and first page for details.
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  • Script 45 - Ryan's 1st Draft
    01/29/12
    Creative Notes:
    Punch-up that keeps the original story on the tracks while trimming fat, sharpening motifs, and nursing gags that seem under the weather. Fresh zingers, no shortage of word play, a rewarding "guy gets girl" ending, and introducing... drum roll... a bizarre use of bread that I hope is a "step" in the right direction.
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  • Script 44 - Kirk's 1st Draft
    01/28/12
    Creative Notes:
    Comedic Punch-Up. Concentrated on Act 1 and 2 and left the final action sequence the same. Kept the original structure, but tightened and added jokes throughout.
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  • Script 43 - David Jack's 1st Draft
    01/28/12
    Creative Notes:
    I've kept the plot almost identical Added a couple of disreputable, dimwitted Red Coat privates and a Captain Sweet-Hart. Made the inventions a bit more feasible. Cut down the padded action/dialogue to reduce pages to 118. Turned Sam into a fellow inventor-sidekick. And, one hopes, punched up the dialogue for alleged comic effect.
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  • Script 42 - Antony's 2nd Draft
    01/28/12
    Creative Notes:
    This is based on my draft#1 but with some tweaks to the Sam Hill character. Please consider this IN ADDITION to Draft #1 not instead-of, as the new Sam Hill stuff may not work. I have noted the changes from my Draft #1
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  • Script 41 - Eric's 1st Draft
    01/26/12
    Creative Notes:
    Preserved the spirit of the existing script and its story and plot while at the same time pruning the dialog and narrative substantially. Attempted to punch up the dialog humor-wise and otherwise. Tightened scenes significantly, and in a few cases eliminated them. The Samuel Hill character has been toned down as I found him somewhat off-putting. Jokes inserted here and there.
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  • Script 40 - R.'s 1st Draft
    01/25/12
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    Creative Notes:
    I'm not sure how to describe what I did to this. I guess I tried to smooth out the way the scenes unfolded, made the inventions seem believable even if they were ridiculous, and rewrote much of the dialog (trying to make it, at least, witty). Since I didn't have time to do the whole script, I focused on doing a major rewrite of as much of it as I was able.
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  • Script 39 - Jason's 1st Draft
    01/25/12
    Creative Notes:
    I didn’t change much in Act 1–it worked okay and needed much less work than Acts 2 and 3. Focus is on a comedy punch-up. However, I could not ignore some significant issues with the script. I focused on: (1) making Acts 2 and 3 funnier, (2) getting more out of the Samuel Hill and Betsy Ross characters (3), making the gadgets more period-appropriate, but still pretty cool, (4) cutting out fat.
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  • Script 38 - Gordon's 1st Draft
    01/25/12
    Creative Notes:
    Made Franklin more of a shrewd adversary using his wits and inventiveness to win the day--not so much a Colonial Rambo. Substituted creative 18th century inventions for anachronistic speedboat,T-bird, etc. Changed Samuel to “Poor Richard” ex-slave--a smart funny sidekick.Added historic figures as wacky jail cell mates.New Gene Wilder/Madeline Kahn-style slapstick seduction scene w/Ben & Betsy.
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  • Script 37 - Vicky's 1st Draft
    01/24/12
    Creative Notes:
    PDF version has the accurate page count of 121 pages. RTF added 29 pages and messed up my page breaks. All pages changed. Besides punching up the comedy throughout all 3 acts, I also addressed issues from the AS notes on the script, making the plot more focused and important. I cut some unnecessary dialogue and scenes, and fixed other issues to keep a similar rate of comedy throughout the action.
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  • Script 36 - don's 1st Draft
    01/24/12
    Creative Notes:
    A comedy punch-up of Ben Franklin script for January 2012 contest.
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  • Script 35 - Jason's 2nd Draft
    01/22/12
    Creative Notes:
    Our original RTF file did not include our cover page with list of changes. Here is another version with the cover page and changes listed. The PDF contains the color coded changes.
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  • Script 34 - Glenn J.'s 1st Draft
    01/21/12
    Creative Notes:
    This draft is for the comedy punch up based on Jason's 3rd draft. Please see first page for notes of revisions.
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  • Script 33 - Mike's 1st Draft
    01/20/12
    Creative Notes:
    Changed the first 9 pages.
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  • Script 32 - Jared's 1st Draft
    01/20/12
    Creative Notes:
    Major structural alterations - cut the fat, moved scenes around. Gave characters more definition. The funny flows more freely now. It's not just a funnier script, but a better script overall.

    Tried to channel JB Smoove as I altered Samuel's dialogue. Made Betsy Ross sexier, and Washington douchier. READ IT, YOU'LL LOVE IT!
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  • Script 31 - Marqus's 1st Draft
    01/18/12
    Creative Notes:
    Comedy punch-up for Ben Franklin contest. I've added jokes to almost every page in the spirit of my favorites - Mel Brooks, the Zucker Brothers, and Woody Allen. I realize the script could probably be trimmed by a good 20 pages and I would be more than happy to work with Jason (after the contest) towards achieving this. I just wanted to give the studio a sense of what I could bring to the table
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  • Script 30 - Mary's 2nd Draft
    01/18/12
    Creative Notes:
    At 98 pages, this Punch-Up submission is "locked down tighter than a nun on Easter." This quote from the original remains as does the framework of the story. However, many plot points have been streamlined in pursuit of a faster paced and higher degree of humor, and, of course, many jokes have been added. Get ready for a 300 horse power Revolutionary ride, and lets kick some lobsterback ass!
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  • Script 29 - Antony's 1st Draft
    01/18/12
    Creative Notes:
    For this version of the "punch-up" the story is intact and the plot doesn't really change. It is heavily edited, so there are effectively changes on every page. Detailed page-by-page changes feature on the RTF version, and is highlighted throughout. The PDF is "clean" to provide a smoother read.
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  • Script 28 - Michael's 1st Draft
    01/17/12
    Creative Notes:
    I punched up a few scenes, 1st act mostly. I cut a lot of description and redundant dialogue. I reworked Ben's meeting of Samuel in jail and meeting of Betsy Ross. I also added a bit with George Washington acting in Shakespeare's Richard the III. A couple famous quotes from that play fit Washington's impending confrontation with Franklin. It works with the overall portrayal of Washington.
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  • Script 27 - Melanie's 1st Draft
    01/16/12
    Creative Notes:
    I made changes on every page. Minor characters were expanded, scenes were cut or combined and I changed the ending. I also added some cameos from other historical figures, added more scenes of our villain and the killer kite. The plot points remain the same.
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  • Script 26 - Bay's 1st Draft
    01/15/12
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  • Script 25 - Steamy's 1st Draft
    01/15/12
    Creative Notes:
    Besides reworking humor scenes and added quips of humor in dead spots, I softened the racial references to make them inoffensive, yet funny to all audiences; replaced some brutal violence with more skillful and humorous fight sequences; replaced out-of-place inventions with more plausible yet still incredible creations; and provided assistance with correct terminology, practicality, and spelling.
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  • Script 24 - Giacomo's 1st Draft
    01/13/12
    Creative Notes:
    My comedy punch-up of the script
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  • Script 23 - Michael's 1st Draft
    01/12/12
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  • Script 22 - Ervin's 1st Draft
    01/11/12
    Creative Notes:
    Added book-end scenes that put the story in a new light. Tightened-up the entire script, and, of course, made it pretty damn funny. I have, I hope, transformed a clever script with great potential into a script that fully realizes that potential. Enjoy!
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  • Script 21 - Mike's 1st Draft
    01/10/12
    Creative Notes:
    ***Please Download PDF version. Changes on PDF are correct and changes are in gray text.

    Thomas Jefferson spurs forward the plot at the midpoint and he is one Chuck Norris-esque BAMF. Less Samuel, more historical time period humor and natural banter. Added Wensleydale scene to raise his stakes. Changed the inventions to make them appropos for the time period, but bye-bye T-bird.
    PDF
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  • Script 20 - David's 1st Draft
    01/10/12
    Creative Notes:
    2nd draft version available. Think, Mel Brooks meets Monty Python for drinks and ends up having group sex with the Cohen Brothers. Bawdier than the original by a bit, but Franklin just seems like he could be a bawdy guy.

    I changed some scenes and dropped some of the action in favor of funnier. Enjoy!

    It has more pages, but almost the same # words as the original.
    PDF
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  • Script 18 - Andy's 1st Draft
    01/08/12
    Creative Notes:
    I've given this script the Danny McBride ("Your Highness") style humor makeover.

    note: PDF version is the clearest and best script to look at (revision marks and such... Celtx sucks).
    PDF
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  • Trailer 4 - Made by C. Martinelli for Jason's Project. Animated premise trailer. Star-track.
    01/06/12
    Creative Notes:
    Premise Trailer. Really fun animated introduction to the project, with clips from Jeffrey Tambor's star dialog track. AS music archive music. Made by C. Martinelli for Jason's project.
  • Script 17 - Karl Peter's 1st Draft
    01/06/12
    Creative Notes:
    p.1-14 'PUNCH-UP'. BEN in PLATYPUS FLIPPERS has a bullet-time fight against the HESSIAN MERCS. I insinuate the US flag originated from his childhood neighbor's 'SPANGLERS' family crest. And the KITE motif is nicely set-up to be used through-out with various pay-offs.
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  • Script 16 - chris's 1st Draft
    01/06/12
    Creative Notes:
    Jokes added; made the script more audience friendly.
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  • Script 15 - Jamster's 3rd Draft
    01/04/12
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    Creative Notes:
    READ THIS VERSION PLEASE!!! I have added more humor and had a go at fixing some of the stuff in the AS notes.

    I really love this type of humor, and being English I was brought up on it and therefore hope what I've added is exactly what AS is looking for... - enjoy! Cheers, Jim.
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  • Script 14 - james's 2nd Draft
    12/31/11
    Creative Notes:
    Made the electrocution string the centerpiece of the inventions. Used only inventions that were possible at the time. Built them into the humor.
    Used British plan to divide the colonies as the central motivation for the last half of the script.
    Changed the ending to add humor and create an unlikely trio of compatriots for the next script.
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  • Script 13 - Jamster's 2nd Draft
    12/30/11
    Creative Notes:
    This is the same version I uploaded for the 'punch-up' competion yesterday - but for some reason it included another writer?

    Anyhoo, this revision is from Jason's 3rd draft only - which is the only version I have ever downloaded - lol!

    Who knows why it said otherwise but I thought I'd better re-upload it just in case.

    Cheers guys, and a have a happy and healthy New Year!
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  • Script 12 - Jamster's 1st Draft
    12/29/11
    Creative Notes:
    For some strange reason this uploaded with an additional writer on - it is Jasons 3rd draft only - it's the only one I've downloaded lol!

    Anyhow, I have re-uploaded (draft 2) the exact same revision but with just me and Jason in case of confusion - cheers, Jim.
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  • Trailer 3 - All-round comedy.
    12/29/11
    Creative Notes:
    Aimed at a wide audience -- this minimalist trailer gives the flavor -- sense of fun -- mystery -- and crazy dialogue -- you'll expect to see in the movie - 'America's Benjamin Franklin in The Electrocution String.
  • Trailer 2 - Semi-serious/comedy
    12/29/11
    Creative Notes:
    Based on Jeffrey Tambor dialogue track. With music, ambience effects and military sounds from the Amazon collection. Including illustratuins from Clipart ETC.
  • Script 11 - Kevin's 1st Draft
    12/27/11
    Creative Notes:
    Rethinking this idea. George Washington isn't a jerk adversary, but rather a reluctant partner to Ben Franklin. They are Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid in comic tone. In the ten years leading up to the signing of the Declaration of Indepence, George and Ben confuse and frustrate the British Army with soldier instincts and some very cool contraptions Ben has invented (patent pending).
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  • Script 10 - John's 1st Draft
    12/22/11
    Creative Notes:
    Added numerous jokes and comedy routines
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  • Script 9 - Frank's 1st Draft
    11/10/11
    Creative Notes:
    I wanted to keep the core of the story in tact, as it was an award winning script. I tried to simplify a lot of the humor and cut the "cheesier" jokes in the script - maintaining one comedic tone. I tried to explain some of the modern inventions.
    Overall, the draft is a lot cleaner, tighter, and hopefully a smooth read at 116 pages.

    *Contest Note: There are revisions on every page.
    PDF
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  • Script 8 - Joe's 1st Draft
    11/10/11
    Creative Notes:
    My punch-up. Changed the opening scene and the two jail scenes. Populated Philadelphia with a bunch of Franklin's illegitimate children. Added sight gags and Philly references. Re: the encephalitic twins- they are based on the Phillies' previous mascots Phil and Phyllis. An obscure reference, I know, but I liked the visual. BTW- The "I am become death, " quote is not a typo. Geez.....
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  • Script 7 - Jeremiah's 1st Draft
    11/07/11
    Creative Notes:
    This ended up being quite a bit more than a punch-up, though I'm entering it for that contest. There were some serious structural and pacing issues that needed addressing, which this revision does. Now features a National Treasure-esque subplot in the second half of the 2nd act, a bawdier explanation for Washington's blackmail paranoia, and a trim 3rd act with several exciting setpieces.
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  • Trailer 1
    10/15/11
    Creative Notes:
    I use some actor's dialogue tracks to bring some intresting veiw to this tralier.
  • Script 5 - james's 1st Draft
    10/10/11
    Creative Notes:
    Electrocution string is center piece of the inventions.
    Kept inventions that only could be accomplished in that time.
    Used British plan to divide the colonies at the Hudson, conquer them separately as motivation for last half of the movie
    Made Betsy a more obvious spy to audience, spy=paid informant, succeed?
    Samuel and Franklin know each other at beginning of the movie.
    Franklin needs Samuel
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  • Script 4 - Neal's 1st Draft
    08/06/11
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    Creative Notes:
    incorporated AS' feedback. Nameley, made The Electrocution String the single, most-powerful, impressive weapon of mass destruction through the entire story (sorry, '56 Thunderbird). Also, quickened the pace of Act II (hate to see you go, Benedict Arnold and Kunta Kinte). It's still rough; I'll polish if/when AS (and the original creator) show interest in this particular order of events.
    PDF
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  • Script 3 - Jason's 3rd Draft
    01/18/11
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    Creative Notes:
    The author's suggested version. Tighter version of draft 2, minus the unnecessary subplot. Typos fixed, minor things tweaked here and there.
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  • Script 2 - Jason's 2nd Draft
    12/21/10
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    Creative Notes:
    Stick with Draft 3, not this one. This is a longer version with a subplot involving John Hancock. This revision is way too bloated, and all the mistakes/improvements in this one are in the condensed Draft 3.
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  • Script 1 - Jason's Original Draft
    11/18/10
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    Creative Notes:
    Stick with Draft 3, not this one. This is the original draft and I've changed quite a bit.
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