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“This is the fun, fast, action comedy trailer version of the film we'd want to see. It introduces the key characters, lays out their motives and has some kick ass action.
This is the script the trailer directed by Amy Kate Connolly was based on. ”
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30
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“This script punches up a lot of the dialogue and changes the ending slightly.”
|
5
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8
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Finalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“I reframed the story (new intro and end) and teamed Washington up with Franklin for much of the script. Samuel is Franklin's carriage driver and less offensive. No jail scenes. I also added in Franklin's daughter Sally, who is kidnapped early on. Not a page 1 rewrite, but a lot of alterations were made. Kept obvious modern tech out.”
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31
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Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“A kung-fu comedy take on "America's Ben Franklin". I added Isaac Newton as Ben Franklin's old kung fu master and included more historical figures as master martial artists.”
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49
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“New opening and closing with a different setup. Makes it more acceptable as a tall tale. A few changes along they way to help pull everything along the same direction.”
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13
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Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“Ripped from the pages of history comes an amazing adventure of tomfoolery set against the epic canvas of the American Revolution. A take on the Jason Ungate premise that incorporates my favorite elements into a sprawling action adventure comedy in the vein of Pirates of the Caribbean and Sherlock Holmes. Burnt both ends of the candle on this one, but made the cut!”
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21
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“Revisions for punch-up contest”
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7
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“Made several scene changes, but the story remains unchanged.
Revised opening scene.
Samuel is single and has a bigger role.
Revised ending.
Added new British privates who have their own agenda.
Addressed some of the Amazon Studios story notes regarding Betsy's and Samuel's actions.
Various other changes.
The major additions are in red font to make them easy to distinguish.”
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8
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“New opening, party, and chase scenes in the vein of Sherlock Holmes. Introduced Henry Knox as somewhat of a sidekick to Washington and potentially part of a trio with Franklin and Betsy later on. Knox essentially replaces Jason's Arnold character (who is not yet newly presented under these revisions, but intended as a villain). Knox has, however, only been added to revised scenes for this draft.”
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12
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“I introduce a much stronger, crafty and evil antagonist. The weapon drives the story from the beginning. Betsy Ross is sluttier. Franklin sleeps with Washington's mom. Franklin steals Washington's denture, every chance he gets. Betsy sees stars from Franklin's dildo. And much, much more.”
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16
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“This has a new hook to show the awesome lethality of Ben Franklin's top secret amphibious battle suit. Also, Ben Franklin's personality has been modified to be more that of a brilliant, but reluctant assassin, as opposed to being an indiscriminate killer. (bad RTF upload, please read the PDF)”
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8
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“I tried to increase the comedy, while keeping the same style/tone as the original. I made some major changes to the plot, but tried to keep all the best parts of the original. One addition is Ben Franklin sent on a secret spy mission to investigate a possible traitor-Washington. All same characters, but some are more complex. I tried to make it as much as I could like the posted logline.”
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11
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“All pages have edits as compared to the original. Since I added a new first scene, at the very least every scene has been moved down a page or two, though I may have kept the scene relatively intact, just in a different place. I added some more historical characters, reworked acts two and three to help with flow and to add more jokes. Also changed some inventions for a better fit.”
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10
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“Removed about thirty pages and then punched up the remainder. Some characters like Old Charlotte and General bright were also removed. ”
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6
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“Stayed pretty parallel to Jason's original development. "Punched up" some of the more cliche' jokes and references to modern day phrases to a more slap-stick dialogue. Gave the characters goofier personalities for an over all "Naked Gun" ambience. Made Ben a bad ass with a non-sensical temper, when combined with his age, era, & build made for a funnier hero rather than the straight guy approach.”
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10
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“This is a page one rewrite: the story is now a “realistic” PG-13 proto-steampunk action-adventure with touches of humor, in the vein of “Sherlock Holmes.” I tried to address AS’s notes re anachronistic technology, the pace and energy of the 2d and 3rd acts, Betsy’s motivation, and Sam’s character. I also added obscure historical characters and real quotes. 92 pgs RTF; 85 PDF/FD.”
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37
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5
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“Didn't change much at all, but thought I'd contribute anyway. Pages 1,2,3, first scene was the biggest and best change- punched it up, rewrote and retooled the technology. Also changed the technology on pages 57 and 91. Formatting issues on those pages. No other changes. Hope this can help the project in some way! ”
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4
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“[RTF VERSION OPENS PROPERLY IN WORD]
I changed Samuel's character to be an out-of-period modernized comedic representation of a black man. Think JB Smoove or Sam Jackson. Present day. I also changed Louisa in a similar manner. The scenes at Hill House are consequently quite different.
Other changes are relatively minor. Some added jokes. Some feminine fighting from Washington.
Enjoy.”
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5
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Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“I made changes to each act, added jokes and a new intro and a new act 3. I added historical figures including; Peggy Arnold, Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton, La Fayette, Patrick Henry, and Aaron Burr. changed Samuel , Betsy, Wenslydale, and Benedict Arnold. I added several new characters. added a musical number to bridge acts 2 & 3. would have liked to do more, but I ran out of time.”
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11
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Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“Punch up turned into page 1 rewrite. Focused on addressing everything in AS notes plus historical & plots issues. Made story revolve around slutty Betsy, Ben, and activist Samuel Cain from start, plus Adams, Hancock & Jefferson roped in - all against Washington! More sexual innuendo. A lot. Made car, boat, etc. antiquated & outrageous. And most critical, made characters rich & dialogue sharp.”
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21
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“Punch up 2”
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2
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“Significant changes include changing Franklin’s character into a sauve rogue. Samuel Hill is transformed into a wannabe inventor who is obsessed with Benjamin Franklin and wants to be just like him. The story now centers on a middle aged teacher participating in “colonial day” at school by telling students the story of AMERICA'S BEN FRANKLIN IN: THE ELECTROCUTION STRING. ”
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5
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“Made the encounters with the Hessians and Wensleydale more humorous. Lampshaded plot holes to turn them into gags. Gave Samuel and Arnold more to do in the final fight. ”
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7
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“punch up 1”
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2
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“Cut a lot of expository dialogue, reworked/rearranged a number of scenes to keep up tension and make Franklin a more active protagonist. Overhauled Wensleydale's character to give him more motivation and make him more of a comic player. Developed Samuel and Arnold's quirks and tightened up their dialogue.”
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7
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Finalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“A comedy punch up and rewrite. 2nd & 3rd Act changed – Wensl is seeking missing ES part. Significant scene/character/dialogue changes for the rest. Comedic tone evened out - Naked Gun/Airplane: LOTS of over-the-top dialogue, gags, spoofs & parody. Increased Betsy role - she is a kick-ass agent for the US Gov (rescues Ben from prison) – and still a spy. Sam younger/naïve. Added 5 henchmen.”
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20
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“We just made a few changes to Jason's original. The story is essentially the same. Beefed up the motivations of Betsy and Samuel. And inserted our own brand humor.”
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7
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“I added a wacky introduction involving a historian giving brief background on what is happening. I changed Samuel Hill to Samantha Hill... I found this to be less offensive and a homage to strong black women such as Pam Grier/Foxy Brown. I kept technology mostly steampunk influenced. The only exception is I did keep the '56 Thunderbird because it was too crazy to cut.”
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6
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“I added the German dialogue to the first few pages with the English subtitles. I attempted this
in rtf format. ”
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4
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“The script has moved along the same idea as the original script but act 2 and act 3 were completely rewritten with a different ending. Character portrayals were altered for John Adams, Betsy Ross, General Arnold and Samuel Hill.”
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13
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“Über spy; SAM HILL (a Puerto Rican lady-boy alias Betsy Ross when in the employ of the British) is a ‘John Leguizamo’ type which takes the best of both original characters to another level and eradicates the original weakness of Sam Hill. Contains 25 ‘Punch-Ups’ John Adams is later promoted to the role of side-kick for the sequel. With inventions galore. ”
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10
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“1) Introduced buddy action comedy dynamics between Franklin and Washington in acts one and two (think "Sherlock Holmes")
2) Streamlined the confusing structure, reworked the historical humor from the ground up (think "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead")
3) Played off the iconicness of the main characters in act three (think "V for Vendetta")”
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12
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8
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“Changes made to every page except pages 2, 62, and 63.
I have added in more jokes, made the antagonist Wensleydale more menacing and amusing, made the Betsy Ross character more sexy, condensed a number of subplots, introduced a new “MacGuffin” in the form of Franklin's TIME MACHINE, removed the Electrocution String, and many more changes.
Alternate title: BENJAMIN BADASS: FUTURE FRANKLIN.”
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4
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“This revision is just an attempt to punch up the humor, mainly in the dialog. Even more fun was had giving Franklin more credit for history than is factual and playing around with some of his famous sayings before they were set in stone. The original script has a lot worth keeping, but it suffered from forced and inappropriate humor. This is what I tried to work on. The page count was not altered.”
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4
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“I cut back on the historical references and went wild with the farce. You can't take this script seriously - meaning that if it's going to be a comedy, it has to be an outrageous farce. Betsy's character is amped up to reflect this. The biggest change was eliminating the Sam Hill character and replacing him with a strong woman, accused of being a witch, who is also a love interest for Arnold.”
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9
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“Added a narrative vehicle for the whole story, giving the ridiculousness and humor of it all a context to work in. Reworked some possible offensive lines and gave them a more good-humored nature. Added some extra flavor to certain characters persona's and their lines. Accentuated the absurdity of the premise, squeezing extra laughs out. ”
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7
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“Comedy punch up for contest. See first two pages for summary of changes/jokes/scenes added.”
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8
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“Comments like "Washington doesn’t want my help, so let him blunder this war" are gone. Why? Rather than coming across as a badass, Franklin comes across as an asshole. With the revision he's more likable, and humor comes from well developed situations, not just punchlines. Better developed characters emerge as a result. Read synopsis for a better story summary and description of characters.”
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11
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“Kept to the spirit of the original plot and structure: New Scenes include: Betsy seduction scene, Betsy's Messenger Hog - new elements include ThunderHoof and Thunderboat, Washington's Teeth played as a piano by Franklin during a fight scene, Johnson having a bigger role, Toothless Washington turning up at the end - for a new portrait.”
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11
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Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“I focused on a punch up of the dialogue & adding jokes & refining character. My take made Franklin more likeable, Washington a bit more pompous, & played up the farcical elements between Franklin and Betsy (fleshed her out more). Punched up their relationship, her intro, & situational humor. Added double-entendres throughout. Ramped up action, added car chase & Betsy doesn't die in the end.
”
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20
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“ I kept the structure of the story intact and utilized some of the notes from the Story Department. Edited and punched up the dialogue with sight gags and jokes.
Stronger motivation arc for Betsy Ross. Expanded role of Samuel Hill, giving him financial/business motive to help Franklin and gave him the end heroics.
Got rid of the Thunderbird and made the speedboat coal-powered.
”
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11
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Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“This is a different read then the original script. Added jokes, sights gags, shortening lines to increase pace, added more movement, changed jail scene for more action, gave Samuel larger role, more lines for background characters, cut a scene, and a little scene shifting... nothing major though. ”
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18
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Winner: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
Finalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“I've trimmed down to 106 pages total. Dialogue is practically all new. Significant changes to plot, but still keeps some of the basic structure. Created a side kick for Washington and eliminated some characters including Louisa. Overall, tone is much lighter and campier.”
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72
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“Added narrative on steps of Franklin Institute, added more gags, a couple of flashbacks about the kite, spoofed several movies including Indiana Jones Series "Back to the Future," and "Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix" in a big duel with sparks. My attempt was to use as many type of humor as I could, there are puns, spoofs, sight gags, jokes, double meanings, innuendo, bathroom humor.”
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16
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“Dramatically tightened the plot, added/deleted/changed scenes, sharpened dialog, used the real British historical figures, fixed continuity and logic issues and wrapped the whole thing in the ultimate stoner narrative and re-titled it: SPICOLI'S GUIDE TO THE FOUNDING FATHERS, CHAPTER ONE: BEN FRANKLIN AND THE ELECTROCUTION STRING. Now all we have to do is get Cameron Crowe and Sean Penn on board.”
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9
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“Changes include the complete elimination of Samuel Hill, Jar Jar Binks, and Donkey. See first page for more details.”
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7
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“Fisticuffs of Fury Punched Up Version.
See title and first page for details.”
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15
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“Fistcuffs of Fury Punched Up Version -- This one breaks the 4th WALL!!!!
See title and first page for details.”
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11
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“Punch-up that keeps the original story on the tracks while trimming fat, sharpening motifs, and nursing gags that seem under the weather. Fresh zingers, no shortage of word play, a rewarding "guy gets girl" ending, and introducing... drum roll... a bizarre use of bread that I hope is a "step" in the right direction.”
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12
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“Comedic Punch-Up. Concentrated on Act 1 and 2 and left the final action sequence the same. Kept the original structure, but tightened and added jokes throughout.”
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7
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“I've kept the plot almost identical Added a couple of disreputable, dimwitted Red Coat privates and a Captain Sweet-Hart. Made the inventions a bit more feasible. Cut down the padded action/dialogue to reduce pages to 118. Turned Sam into a fellow inventor-sidekick. And, one hopes, punched up the dialogue for alleged comic effect.”
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10
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“This is based on my draft#1 but with some tweaks to the Sam Hill character. Please consider this IN ADDITION to Draft #1 not instead-of, as the new Sam Hill stuff may not work. I have noted the changes from my Draft #1”
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8
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“Preserved the spirit of the existing script and its story and plot while at the same time pruning the dialog and narrative substantially. Attempted to punch up the dialog humor-wise and otherwise. Tightened scenes significantly, and in a few cases eliminated them. The Samuel Hill character has been toned down as I found him somewhat off-putting. Jokes inserted here and there. ”
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11
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“I'm not sure how to describe what I did to this. I guess I tried to smooth out the way the scenes unfolded, made the inventions seem believable even if they were ridiculous, and rewrote much of the dialog (trying to make it, at least, witty). Since I didn't have time to do the whole script, I focused on doing a major rewrite of as much of it as I was able. ”
|
9
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Finalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“I didn’t change much in Act 1–it worked okay and needed much less work than Acts 2 and 3. Focus is on a comedy punch-up. However, I could not ignore some significant issues with the script. I focused on: (1) making Acts 2 and 3 funnier, (2) getting more out of the Samuel Hill and Betsy Ross characters (3), making the gadgets more period-appropriate, but still pretty cool, (4) cutting out fat.”
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16
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“Made Franklin more of a shrewd adversary using his wits and inventiveness to win the day--not so much a Colonial Rambo. Substituted creative 18th century inventions for anachronistic speedboat,T-bird, etc. Changed Samuel to “Poor Richard” ex-slave--a smart funny sidekick.Added historic figures as wacky jail cell mates.New Gene Wilder/Madeline Kahn-style slapstick seduction scene w/Ben & Betsy.”
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26
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“PDF version has the accurate page count of 121 pages. RTF added 29 pages and messed up my page breaks. All pages changed. Besides punching up the comedy throughout all 3 acts, I also addressed issues from the AS notes on the script, making the plot more focused and important. I cut some unnecessary dialogue and scenes, and fixed other issues to keep a similar rate of comedy throughout the action.”
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21
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“A comedy punch-up of Ben Franklin script for January 2012 contest. ”
|
8
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|
|
“Our original RTF file did not include our cover page with list of changes. Here is another version with the cover page and changes listed. The PDF contains the color coded changes.”
|
15
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“This draft is for the comedy punch up based on Jason's 3rd draft. Please see first page for notes of revisions.”
|
21
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“Changed the first 9 pages. ”
|
13
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Finalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“Major structural alterations - cut the fat, moved scenes around. Gave characters more definition. The funny flows more freely now. It's not just a funnier script, but a better script overall.
Tried to channel JB Smoove as I altered Samuel's dialogue. Made Betsy Ross sexier, and Washington douchier. READ IT, YOU'LL LOVE IT!”
|
28
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“Comedy punch-up for Ben Franklin contest. I've added jokes to almost every page in the spirit of my favorites - Mel Brooks, the Zucker Brothers, and Woody Allen. I realize the script could probably be trimmed by a good 20 pages and I would be more than happy to work with Jason (after the contest) towards achieving this. I just wanted to give the studio a sense of what I could bring to the table”
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18
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“At 98 pages, this Punch-Up submission is "locked down tighter than a nun on Easter." This quote from the original remains as does the framework of the story. However, many plot points have been streamlined in pursuit of a faster paced and higher degree of humor, and, of course, many jokes have been added. Get ready for a 300 horse power Revolutionary ride, and lets kick some lobsterback ass!”
|
22
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“For this version of the "punch-up" the story is intact and the plot doesn't really change. It is heavily edited, so there are effectively changes on every page. Detailed page-by-page changes feature on the RTF version, and is highlighted throughout. The PDF is "clean" to provide a smoother read. ”
|
13
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|
“I punched up a few scenes, 1st act mostly. I cut a lot of description and redundant dialogue. I reworked Ben's meeting of Samuel in jail and meeting of Betsy Ross. I also added a bit with George Washington acting in Shakespeare's Richard the III. A couple famous quotes from that play fit Washington's impending confrontation with Franklin. It works with the overall portrayal of Washington.
”
|
9
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|
“I made changes on every page. Minor characters were expanded, scenes were cut or combined and I changed the ending. I also added some cameos from other historical figures, added more scenes of our villain and the killer kite. The plot points remain the same.”
|
14
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|
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11
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Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“Besides reworking humor scenes and added quips of humor in dead spots, I softened the racial references to make them inoffensive, yet funny to all audiences; replaced some brutal violence with more skillful and humorous fight sequences; replaced out-of-place inventions with more plausible yet still incredible creations; and provided assistance with correct terminology, practicality, and spelling.”
|
22
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“My comedy punch-up of the script”
|
12
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Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
|
22
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Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“Added book-end scenes that put the story in a new light. Tightened-up the entire script, and, of course, made it pretty damn funny. I have, I hope, transformed a clever script with great potential into a script that fully realizes that potential. Enjoy! ”
|
48
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Semifinalist: Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
“***Please Download PDF version. Changes on PDF are correct and changes are in gray text.
Thomas Jefferson spurs forward the plot at the midpoint and he is one Chuck Norris-esque BAMF. Less Samuel, more historical time period humor and natural banter. Added Wensleydale scene to raise his stakes. Changed the inventions to make them appropos for the time period, but bye-bye T-bird.”
|
12
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“2nd draft version available. Think, Mel Brooks meets Monty Python for drinks and ends up having group sex with the Cohen Brothers. Bawdier than the original by a bit, but Franklin just seems like he could be a bawdy guy.
I changed some scenes and dropped some of the action in favor of funnier. Enjoy!
It has more pages, but almost the same # words as the original.”
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22
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“Recommend going straight to my 2nd draft (script #49), since the revised opening scenes in this draft are also included in that draft, which has far more extensive changes.”
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16
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“I've given this script the Danny McBride ("Your Highness") style humor makeover.
note: PDF version is the clearest and best script to look at (revision marks and such... Celtx sucks).”
|
19
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“p.1-14 'PUNCH-UP'. BEN in PLATYPUS FLIPPERS has a bullet-time fight against the HESSIAN MERCS. I insinuate the US flag originated from his childhood neighbor's 'SPANGLERS' family crest. And the KITE motif is nicely set-up to be used through-out with various pay-offs.”
|
16
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“Jokes added; made the script more audience friendly.”
|
10
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|
“READ THIS VERSION PLEASE!!! I have added more humor and had a go at fixing some of the stuff in the AS notes.
I really love this type of humor, and being English I was brought up on it and therefore hope what I've added is exactly what AS is looking for... - enjoy! Cheers, Jim. ”
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17
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“Made the electrocution string the centerpiece of the inventions. Used only inventions that were possible at the time. Built them into the humor.
Used British plan to divide the colonies as the central motivation for the last half of the script.
Changed the ending to add humor and create an unlikely trio of compatriots for the next script.”
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18
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“This is the same version I uploaded for the 'punch-up' competion yesterday - but for some reason it included another writer?
Anyhoo, this revision is from Jason's 3rd draft only - which is the only version I have ever downloaded - lol!
Who knows why it said otherwise but I thought I'd better re-upload it just in case.
Cheers guys, and a have a happy and healthy New Year!”
|
7
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“For some strange reason this uploaded with an additional writer on - it is Jasons 3rd draft only - it's the only one I've downloaded lol!
Anyhow, I have re-uploaded (draft 2) the exact same revision but with just me and Jason in case of confusion - cheers, Jim.”
|
2
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“Rethinking this idea. George Washington isn't a jerk adversary, but rather a reluctant partner to Ben Franklin. They are Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid in comic tone. In the ten years leading up to the signing of the Declaration of Indepence, George and Ben confuse and frustrate the British Army with soldier instincts and some very cool contraptions Ben has invented (patent pending).”
|
15
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“Added numerous jokes and comedy routines”
|
17
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“I wanted to keep the core of the story in tact, as it was an award winning script. I tried to simplify a lot of the humor and cut the "cheesier" jokes in the script - maintaining one comedic tone. I tried to explain some of the modern inventions.
Overall, the draft is a lot cleaner, tighter, and hopefully a smooth read at 116 pages.
*Contest Note: There are revisions on every page.
”
|
75
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“My punch-up. Changed the opening scene and the two jail scenes. Populated Philadelphia with a bunch of Franklin's illegitimate children. Added sight gags and Philly references. Re: the encephalitic twins- they are based on the Phillies' previous mascots Phil and Phyllis. An obscure reference, I know, but I liked the visual. BTW- The "I am become death, " quote is not a typo. Geez.....”
|
18
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“This ended up being quite a bit more than a punch-up, though I'm entering it for that contest. There were some serious structural and pacing issues that needed addressing, which this revision does. Now features a National Treasure-esque subplot in the second half of the 2nd act, a bawdier explanation for Washington's blackmail paranoia, and a trim 3rd act with several exciting setpieces.”
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25
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“Electrocution string is center piece of the inventions.
Kept inventions that only could be accomplished in that time.
Used British plan to divide the colonies at the Hudson, conquer them separately as motivation for last half of the movie
Made Betsy a more obvious spy to audience, spy=paid informant, succeed?
Samuel and Franklin know each other at beginning of the movie.
Franklin needs Samuel”
|
16
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“incorporated AS' feedback. Nameley, made The Electrocution String the single, most-powerful, impressive weapon of mass destruction through the entire story (sorry, '56 Thunderbird). Also, quickened the pace of Act II (hate to see you go, Benedict Arnold and Kunta Kinte). It's still rough; I'll polish if/when AS (and the original creator) show interest in this particular order of events.”
|
30
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Winner: Best Script
Finalist: Best Script
Semifinalist: Best Script
“The author's suggested version. Tighter version of draft 2, minus the unnecessary subplot. Typos fixed, minor things tweaked here and there. ”
|
887
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“Stick with Draft 3, not this one. This is a longer version with a subplot involving John Hancock. This revision is way too bloated, and all the mistakes/improvements in this one are in the condensed Draft 3.”
|
35
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Finalist: Best Script
Semifinalist: Best Script
“Stick with Draft 3, not this one. This is the original draft and I've changed quite a bit.”
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267
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