0
out of
1
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A normal Hostage script goes on a wild twisting ride well done.
1
out of
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people found the following review helpful:
Good but could be really good - lots of minor mistakes/poor proof reading
I think Taken Hostage is good at present, not very good.
One of the biggest distractions was that you had a lot of typing mistakes and the script has not been carefully proof read. That either says you didn’t have the time to do so or don’t care about your script: either way, it’s kinda of a slap to readers spending the time reading your script when the author hasn’t properly proof read it themselves.
I noted ten plus typos in the first 10 pages and simply stopped noting them down at that point. So you will have more than what I have noted for you.
The good news is that I thought your characters were good, the dialogue for the most part authentic and your storyline was well thought it. The fake Agent Cooper subplot was well done. Your ending was particularly good: with Sarah in the last 25 pages or so defeating the fake Agent Cooper, the PI hired by Masters, Jack and Donny.
MISTAKES
-------------------------
She pops open the blue cars smoked glass hatchback
... car's
two handfuls of groceries
... armfuls?
She scrolls thought the phone list
... scrolls though
Standing at the front door, arms full of groceries, Sarah is
too nervous to find right key.
... to find the right key.
DET. SPENCER
This maybe just a prank or maybe they skipped school.
... may be
SARAH
Mark loves school. He would never skip never skip school.
... Mistake: never skip x 2
INT. MASTER’S HOME DEN - DAY
... would it not be: MASTERS' HOME DEN - DAY, or is it: MASTERS'S HOME DEN - DAY
At his girlfriends house.
... At his girlfriend's house.
SARAH
555-2555 call me and I will get you you’re money.
... your money.
DET. SPENCER
What hell are you doing?
... what the hell are you doing?
Voiceover (V.O.) is used when the character is not present within the scene, but can be heard via a mechanical device such as a telephone or radio. It is also used when a character narrates parts of your story.
So…
MARK
(voice mail)
... MARK (V.O.)
JOSH
(on phone)
... JOSH (V.O.)
HELEN
(on phone)
... HELEN (V.O.)
BRANDON
(on phone)
... BRANDON (V.O.)
etc
PREFERENCES
---------------------------------
Typically you don’t have INT. SARAH’S HOUSE KITCHEN - DAY
…but rather
INT. SARAH’S HOUSE / KITCHEN - DAY
INT. SARAH’S HOUSE HALL - DAY
… INT. SARAH’S HOUSE / HALL - DAY
But some would use your way. For clarity I separate the MAIN / SUB using a "/".
SUMMARY
---------------------------------------
The mistakes really put me off what is obviously a good script.
One of the biggest distractions was that you had a lot of typing mistakes and the script has not been carefully proof read. That either says you didn’t have the time to do so or don’t care about your script: either way, it’s kinda of a slap to readers spending the time reading your script when the author hasn’t properly proof read it themselves.
I noted ten plus typos in the first 10 pages and simply stopped noting them down at that point. So you will have more than what I have noted for you.
The good news is that I thought your characters were good, the dialogue for the most part authentic and your storyline was well thought it. The fake Agent Cooper subplot was well done. Your ending was particularly good: with Sarah in the last 25 pages or so defeating the fake Agent Cooper, the PI hired by Masters, Jack and Donny.
MISTAKES
-------------------------
She pops open the blue cars smoked glass hatchback
... car's
two handfuls of groceries
... armfuls?
She scrolls thought the phone list
... scrolls though
Standing at the front door, arms full of groceries, Sarah is
too nervous to find right key.
... to find the right key.
DET. SPENCER
This maybe just a prank or maybe they skipped school.
... may be
SARAH
Mark loves school. He would never skip never skip school.
... Mistake: never skip x 2
INT. MASTER’S HOME DEN - DAY
... would it not be: MASTERS' HOME DEN - DAY, or is it: MASTERS'S HOME DEN - DAY
At his girlfriends house.
... At his girlfriend's house.
SARAH
555-2555 call me and I will get you you’re money.
... your money.
DET. SPENCER
What hell are you doing?
... what the hell are you doing?
Voiceover (V.O.) is used when the character is not present within the scene, but can be heard via a mechanical device such as a telephone or radio. It is also used when a character narrates parts of your story.
So…
MARK
(voice mail)
... MARK (V.O.)
JOSH
(on phone)
... JOSH (V.O.)
HELEN
(on phone)
... HELEN (V.O.)
BRANDON
(on phone)
... BRANDON (V.O.)
etc
PREFERENCES
---------------------------------
Typically you don’t have INT. SARAH’S HOUSE KITCHEN - DAY
…but rather
INT. SARAH’S HOUSE / KITCHEN - DAY
INT. SARAH’S HOUSE HALL - DAY
… INT. SARAH’S HOUSE / HALL - DAY
But some would use your way. For clarity I separate the MAIN / SUB using a "/".
SUMMARY
---------------------------------------
The mistakes really put me off what is obviously a good script.
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
My Thoughts on Taken Hostage
My first note is that I hope I am reviewing the same version that I am posting under. Version control on Amazon is still a little confusing to me. Anyway, hope this helps.
You mentioned that you were having an issue with writing in the proper tense, so that's the first thing I was looking for. To be honest, I didn't see much of a problem. Yes, there was some passive writing mixed in here, but it didn't really draw me out of the story. If it really concerns you that much, you just need to look at the tell-tale signs of passive writing. Are you using the words "is" or "are" in sentences with verbs ending in ING? If so, you probably have some passive writing in there. If you really want my opinion, I wouldn't waste time looking for these. People claim that passive writing is weak, but like I said before, most people have no idea what they are talking about and many are just spewing out some ridiculous rhetoric they learned in a book written by some moron who has had zero success writing anything but the book their reading.
Much like other screenplays I have read, this one also seemed very matter-of-fact with the business lines and especially the character descriptions. Sure you need to tell us what we see, but you also need us to remember your voice as a writer. This script moves lightning quick, but it wasn't memorable. Of course I want a basic description of your characters, but am I going to remember the cop with dark eyes and a moustache? Probably not, but if you told me he walked around and looked at everyone like they punched his mother in the twat... I'd remember that guy. The same applies to action. Sure, tell me what I see, but tell me what you feel.. what your characters feel. Some may say that these are unfilmables and those are a no-no, but that's complete crap, and I'd even argue that they aren't even unfilmables. Saying Sarah tears hysterically through her closet looking for a picture of her son certainly tells me what I see, but saying she does that and as the thought creeps in her mind that only a bad mother would not have a picture of her only son at her fingertips, she becomes almost maniacal tells me so much more about her, about the situation... and it's something a reader is going to remember.
There isn't much here to comment on in the way of plot. I thought it was very strong, with a good structure. You said something was missing, but I'm not seeing any huge glaring holes in the story anywhere. If you wanted to add some depth to the characters, you may want to start with the kidnappers. I mean, the plot is intriguing by the fact that they got the wrong kid and one from the wrong socio-economic background. That builds tensions right there. But why not have some further tension by maybe making it "good kidnapper/bad kidnapper." I often wondered why these guys just didn't kill the kid - I mean the money they were going to get didn't seem worth it. Maybe have some building conflict just on the side of the kidnapper. one feels for the mother and sort of fights to keep the kid alive where the other just wants to slit his throat and cut his losses... no pun intended. I don't know, just spit balling to get the gears turning in your head.
I read through to the end rather quick. That usually means that the story kept moving along at a clip - and for the most part it did. There were some things in here that didn't make a heck of a lot of sense. For one, why would no other police officers tell Sarah that an Agent on her case went missing? I know she did her best to avoid cops, but with all the media outlets and people at the hospital she would converse with, it seemed a little far-fetched that she wouldn't eventually find this out. I also felt the money-hostage exchange in a public place was something that a kidnapper would never do. All Mark would have to do is make a scene and that's the end of that hostage crisis.
Some random thoughts.
A lacerated femoral artery means almost certain death if not treated within minutes. I don't think the girl would have survived.
I don't think any cop/agent would tell a father there was only a 50% chance his son would be found alive. Here's a good place to use subtext to deflect the question.
I never did understand how Sarah got the money from the drop in the park. Perhaps I wasn't reading closely enough - but it didn't seem to jump out at me.
Dialogue tended to get melodramatic at times and even a bit hokey here and there.
You definitely need a proofreader - plenty of typos in here.
You mentioned that you were having an issue with writing in the proper tense, so that's the first thing I was looking for. To be honest, I didn't see much of a problem. Yes, there was some passive writing mixed in here, but it didn't really draw me out of the story. If it really concerns you that much, you just need to look at the tell-tale signs of passive writing. Are you using the words "is" or "are" in sentences with verbs ending in ING? If so, you probably have some passive writing in there. If you really want my opinion, I wouldn't waste time looking for these. People claim that passive writing is weak, but like I said before, most people have no idea what they are talking about and many are just spewing out some ridiculous rhetoric they learned in a book written by some moron who has had zero success writing anything but the book their reading.
Much like other screenplays I have read, this one also seemed very matter-of-fact with the business lines and especially the character descriptions. Sure you need to tell us what we see, but you also need us to remember your voice as a writer. This script moves lightning quick, but it wasn't memorable. Of course I want a basic description of your characters, but am I going to remember the cop with dark eyes and a moustache? Probably not, but if you told me he walked around and looked at everyone like they punched his mother in the twat... I'd remember that guy. The same applies to action. Sure, tell me what I see, but tell me what you feel.. what your characters feel. Some may say that these are unfilmables and those are a no-no, but that's complete crap, and I'd even argue that they aren't even unfilmables. Saying Sarah tears hysterically through her closet looking for a picture of her son certainly tells me what I see, but saying she does that and as the thought creeps in her mind that only a bad mother would not have a picture of her only son at her fingertips, she becomes almost maniacal tells me so much more about her, about the situation... and it's something a reader is going to remember.
There isn't much here to comment on in the way of plot. I thought it was very strong, with a good structure. You said something was missing, but I'm not seeing any huge glaring holes in the story anywhere. If you wanted to add some depth to the characters, you may want to start with the kidnappers. I mean, the plot is intriguing by the fact that they got the wrong kid and one from the wrong socio-economic background. That builds tensions right there. But why not have some further tension by maybe making it "good kidnapper/bad kidnapper." I often wondered why these guys just didn't kill the kid - I mean the money they were going to get didn't seem worth it. Maybe have some building conflict just on the side of the kidnapper. one feels for the mother and sort of fights to keep the kid alive where the other just wants to slit his throat and cut his losses... no pun intended. I don't know, just spit balling to get the gears turning in your head.
I read through to the end rather quick. That usually means that the story kept moving along at a clip - and for the most part it did. There were some things in here that didn't make a heck of a lot of sense. For one, why would no other police officers tell Sarah that an Agent on her case went missing? I know she did her best to avoid cops, but with all the media outlets and people at the hospital she would converse with, it seemed a little far-fetched that she wouldn't eventually find this out. I also felt the money-hostage exchange in a public place was something that a kidnapper would never do. All Mark would have to do is make a scene and that's the end of that hostage crisis.
Some random thoughts.
A lacerated femoral artery means almost certain death if not treated within minutes. I don't think the girl would have survived.
I don't think any cop/agent would tell a father there was only a 50% chance his son would be found alive. Here's a good place to use subtext to deflect the question.
I never did understand how Sarah got the money from the drop in the park. Perhaps I wasn't reading closely enough - but it didn't seem to jump out at me.
Dialogue tended to get melodramatic at times and even a bit hokey here and there.
You definitely need a proofreader - plenty of typos in here.
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Same page different views of the hospital, noted view from different character but how do you change the scene on screen? Just a thought?
pg 38 Sarah is expressionless, her movements on autopilot. They move through the sterile chaos of the hospital.
pg 38 Cindy and her Mother are overwhelmed by the bloody
turmoil in the E.R. waiting area.
A sinister plan wipes away Sarah’s sorrow. Deep thoughts are focused in her eyes.
Question can you put this action on screen? Her first plan left with the armored car dialogue between then and now does not indicate it.
Sarah looks at the picture and for a brief moment regret
lingers in her eyes. She looks at herself in the mirror. A
tiny bit of shame is washing over her.
The she looks at Mark in the picture and her resolve comes
back in force. Can you show this on screen?
pg 96 She "she" loops her hand through Jacks handcuffed hands and punches it. Easy fix