All Reviews

I think this script is entertaining, but the format does not meet proper screenplay format (see comments below), in a number of ways. Numerous books cover this, or you could read a good script online to get an idea. The story is fun, albeit a bit cartoonish or comical, which I think is the intent – if so it works.

Particularly comical were the cookies, with Laughingwolf and Bjardi – however, these scenes also kinda slowed the pacing of the script, which is something I wouldn’t expect from a script about zombies and werewolves. Another point on pacing – when the zombies start coming out on page 40, I felt this should have been much earlier – like page 12-15. The following sequences follow the typical script structure, but it should all be much earlier in the script. Sure, you don’t have to follow structure, but some readers follow it so it doesn’t hurt to try.

In spite of the parts I liked, I felt it lacking. Even movies like Sean of the Dead and whatnot have subplots – I need more of that here. Especially given the fact that the first 30 pages have a buildup, we really need something there or shorten the buildup.

A couple of small things:
- Why does Zorina have it out for Bob? This could be developed more earlier in the script, more of a neighbor rivalry.
- I did not like the naming conventions – at least put a dash between Zombie and their names.
- As a screenwriter we aren’t supposed to say ‘close up’ or direct the camera in any way except through narration.
- The names of people should only be ALL CAPS the first time – after that they should just have the first letter capitalized. This really makes it difficult to read in the 50s pages with all the names in the action. Remember, you want to make it easy to read, you want flow.
- P5 – what is a pocket bike?
- Did someone tell you to do the ‘SERIES OF SHOTS’ and then number them thing? The way I’ve been instructed, and seen on scripts, is ‘VARIOUS SHOTS OF (…)’ and then lay out the shots with a semi-colon between them. This can be seen in ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape’ – although he did other things wrong (being a play write), he did this right. The way you do it here gets a bit much, and you do it WAY too often.
- P7 – you did not put ages for ANYONE – this continues throughout and needs to be corrected.
- The descriptions on page 10 are fun – and probably fitting with the script in that they are a bit cartoonish – I could see this in anime style.
- It seems like your dialogue is in the wrong place – are you using final draft? You may want to check the margins and all that – this could easily disqualify you by many readers.
- Why are there quotes around the dialogue on page 14, “Aye.” Again on page 15.
- Try to avoid the use of “is.” For example on page 17 you could say “Bob tosses and turns” instead of “Bob is tossing and turning.” Makes it read smoother.
- In the slug line it should read location space – space, not ‘location—space’ as you have it.
- After a while you stopped using full slug lines – remember, it should be INT/EXT. PLACE – TIME OF DAY
- Corny on page 54 when Laughingwolf points out his enemy.
- Isaac and Jacob confused me, I thought they would be part of some sub-plot since they obviously weren’t real Mormons – how does this fit in?
- Page 77 ‘you can’t take a life’ – really? What the heck, why not?
- Page 70 – when Anubis takes over Zorina’s body that is cool, but reads a bit forced, as if you just came up with the idea there. Maybe it could work if there were more references earlier or something?
- The werebear loses me – and the fact that you for some reason stopped with the naming convention you’ve been using throughout.

This is a very fast paced script that is mostly loaded with Zombie vs. Werewolf carnage. It is at 88 pages, but because of the formatting (some pages have very little writing on it) I think it is even shorter than that.

The story wastes very little time getting to the blood bath. There is a very small section of the script that does the bare minimum to set up the two ghosts, Bob the werewolf and Zorino the bad guy, after that it is fights most of the way right to the ending.

Here's my thoughts...

1) The most glaring weakness of the script is that the tension is taken from the script by locking away and never seeing until the last page Bob's family. You need innocent people in harms way to generate the scares and to give the audience someone to route for.

2) Too much ghost. The two ghosts made everything to convenient. You could have some cool scenes as Bob was discovering what he was becoming. The ghosts made everything too black and white. I think it would be even cooler if the ghosts were unheard and unseen, but still had a part in the film. Perhaps the daughter can speak to him (you could get some paranormal activity scares).

3) Speaking of the daughter, I was expecting the twist being she turns werewolf at the end and ultimately saves the day. It would be different and cool (I think).

4) The neighborhood is turned into zombie's way to easily and quickly. Cool scenes could be made with neighborhood disappearing or dying.

5) I think you have room here to make the zombie's a bit different from the norm. The werewolf goes through them way to easy. Making the zombie's more formidable would make the action even better.

I applaud the reckless abandon you go into the action with. In particular, this may be the first script I've read where I am urging the writer to add more instead of edit down! I think if you are able to insert some more tension and terror you have a killer (no pun intended) horror script that is huge in the action and mayhem. I could see zombie and werewolf fans being very pleased with this script. All the best to you.