All Reviews

Congratulations Scott, “In the Silences” not only won the script writing competition but my thanks as well. My thanks for creating something worth reading, something that grabbed and kept my attention. I can envision seeing this on the big screen, hope to see it.
There is very little I can say other than great job.

I did run across a few areas where I could make suggestions that could make reading the script a bit easier, make the script a bit clearer. So below are my suggestions; I hope they are helpful to you.

Your version is first -- followed by my indented suggestions.

Page 11

Sara doesn’t notice as a BOOK on a shelf is suddenly an
inch over. She doesn’t see a SMALL DENT appears on
Sara’s bedspread, as if someone sat there, watching her
by the window.

Sara stands oblivious by the window -- as a BOOK on the bookshelf
instantly and inexplicably shifts over one inch -- a SMALL DENT
appears, like as invisible man’s butt print, on the bedspread.

But she does see a HANDPRINT appear on the window next to
Sara, the kind caused by “sweaty-hand frost” when the
temperature outside is cold. As a stunned Sara watches,
it fades and disappears.

Sara flinches as a HANDPRINT OF FROST appear on the window.
Stunned, She watches the PRINT fade and disappear.

page 12

The CHAIR from the table is suddenly instantly at the
side of her bed. A few seconds pass, and then it is
instantly back where it was.

A CHAIR by the TABLE instantly and inexplicably appears next
to the BED -- THEN –- POPS INTO EXISTENCE back at the TABLE.

page 13

Underneath is an odd-looking WATCH. It’s a little larger
than a normal watch, and along with the usual face and
hands, there’s a red button. Sara picks it up.

AN OVERSIZED WATCH, average looking with an additional RED BUTTON
located on the side. Sara picks it up.

page 16

Oddly there are also a half-dozen colorful HULA HOOPS on
the ice. As Sara watches, another spins through the air,
and lands on perfectly on top of a man.

Oddly there are HULA HOOPS on the ice; another spins through the
air landing perfectly on top of a MAN as Sara watches.

page 29

INT. ALL-NIGHT PHARMACY – NIGHT

Frozen. Sara grabs a roll of clear masking tape, and
then a pair of binoculars.

INT. ALL-NIGHT PHARMACY – NIGHT – FROZEN

Sara grabs a roll of clear masking tape, and
then a pair of binoculars.

page 76

Sara enters, to see Ford with Richards, who is frozen in
mid-pace, on a cell phone. Sara hits the button again.

Ford stands next to Richards frozen in mid-pace and on his
cell phone as Sara enters.

page 83

Then Danny is there, touching Richards, and the world
freezes around them again.

DANNY –- pops into view to touch Richards –- the world
freezes around them again.

page85

They all touch each other, and Sara CLICKS her watch.
SOUND. Danny looks a little thrown, back in the moving
world for the first time in seven years.

They all touch each other. Sara CLICKS her watch. SOUND
RUSHES IN. Danny looks out of sync in the moving world.

page 90 & 91

INT. BOSS’ OFFICE - NIGHT

A STERN-LOOKING MAN sits behind a desk, looking at a
DOWNCAST MAN sitting across from him.

Though right now his view is blocked by Veda, who sits on
the desk, gun in her hand.

VEDA
Your son Al says hi, and thanks for
nothing.

She looks at the downcast man.

VEDA
Guess I’ll just have to frame your
ass.

She takes at the stern man. But then she pauses,
listening. There’s a light HUM. The other elevator
rising. And a DING, as the door opens. Veda scowls, and
slides off the desk.

INT. BOSS’ OFFICE – NIGHT - FROZEN

Veda sits on the desk with gun in hand. AL’S DAD, a stern-looking man,
sits behind the desk across from a STRICKEN MAN.

VEDA
Your son Al says hi, and thanks for
nothing.

She looks at the Stricken Man, aims the gun at his head.

VEDA
Guess I’ll just have to frame your
ass.

She looks daggers at Al's Dad, pauses, listening.
There’s a light HUM. The other elevator rising. And a DING,
as the door opens. Veda scowls, and slides off the desk.

page 91

The door to the boss’ office is ajar. Danny peeks in,
but the man, still frozen, seems unhurt.

The door to the boss’ office is ajar. Danny peeks in at
the men, still frozen.

page 95

Ford and Richards stand in the empty room, looking
confused, Ford’s guns out. Frozen. Not too far apart.

Ford and Richards stand Frozen in the empty room looking
confused. Ford’s gun is out.

page 101

Despite the seedy condition of the floor, Sara drops to
her knees. She looks under the first stall, and winces.
She crawls to the next, then onto the third. She looks
underneath, then carefully crawls under the door.

Sara drops to her knees despite the unsanitary condition of
the floor, looks under the first stall and winces.
She crawls to the next, then to the handicapped stall. She
braces herself and carefully crawls under the door.


Loved the ending.

Excellent script. I haven't read the other drafts but this one is just stellar. Really cool world and interesting characters. Great pacing, excellent dialogue, and an overall memorable piece. I could see a film like this making a big impression at the box office. The screenplay made my mind go all over the place and I'm just dying to see it on the big screen!

in the Silences is a really good read worthy of the attention it deserves from Amazon Studios, but I'm not going to waste time on the accolades because the script does stand up well as it serves but with a few reservations from me.

Technically, there are two stories in one. The first part of the script starts off slowly. It introduces us to Sara's lonely life because of what her father does. She's protected by a bodyguard named Ford.

In the first half, there is no ticking time bomb nor a sense of urgency - just Sara trying out her new world in the silences. Once Veda jumps into the picture half way through the story does the script kick into high gear and that's where my problem is.

There is no sense that Veda is a threat until the midpoint. Veda should have been brought in much much earlier after all she is the antagonist at the end.

The back story with Sara's brother and mother never really came into play. I know it sets up Sara's lonely world but what if her brother and mothers death had something to do with the watches - this would tie up the script more closely at the end.

Have Danny reaching out for Sara or stumbling onto her by page ten because Veda is after him. This sets up the threat much earlier.

The characters are great and so is the idea and the premise - I'm not a fan of the story structure because up to,page 50 - I was ready to stop reading because nothing was happening. She was in and out of the silences, flirting with Tom and getting to know Danny then Veda pops in and the action starts.

Good luck at the annuals. I know this will win.

Freeze time scripts are done fairly often, yet when it's done well it' s always satisfying. Scott does a good job of keeping it as interesting as possible through the time on and time off sequences. One problem with this type of endeavor is keeping the movie moving, while still freezing time and keeping emotion strong. I found the most interesting draw was at the beginning when the mystery was most compelling as an invisible person concept.

A good job with this genre that's familiar yet inventive.

Scott, I really enjoyed this script and thought the concept [the silences] was a terrific world for your character, Sara, to discover everything she's been protected from. I thought you did a great job with Danny, his back-story, and the third act with his sister, Vera. The movie had some elements of "Hereafter," which I also found to be a moving story. The one area I was thinking could be explored further is Sara telling us in the opening V.O. what had happened to her. I wonder what would happen if you lost that. I don't have a problem with V.O., I just think her tragedy unraveling later, like you do with Danny's story, would make their parallels shown, add more suspense, and be a more dynamic reveal for your lead. That way you could keep the audience not knowing if Sara's father is good, bad, or understandably human. If it's the latter, then you'd have a nice comparison to Danny's sad reality, and a possibly more realistic view of the gray world Sara is finally exposed to. Otherwise, I thought your twists and turns were great and there really are some wonderful, visually interesting opportunities, and many touching moments. Congratulations on your win. This would be a really fun movie to make...and to see.

Agreat start - Seemed to be headed to a unique love story- then switches to more of a mystery with Danny and the freezes of plot becoming prominent. I think Veda could have been brought in earlier

The time on and off could have been limited some. Overall very interesting

“In The Silences” – A Sci-Fi/ Action spectacle following a Rapunzel-like character who is whisked away by an eccentric man with the ability to pause time. An original and exciting premise already – and that’s without mentioning the mystery that surrounds the Lewis family’ story arch, and the threat that it causes the main character towards the end. The concept of pausing time and this science, almost, of the silences is extremely clever. I guarantee that this will one day be a blockbuster, with uncharted success.

The screenplay opens with Sara’s back story; the kidnapping and death of her mother and brother; her father overcome by grief; and her ever growing loneliness as she becomes concealed in her New York apartment for her own protection. This is done brilliantly with the use of short scenes, narration, and emotion created by Mullen’s style of writing where he cleverly picks out certain details that exaggerates a character’s feelings and circumstances in the scene. This is prominent throughout. On discovering the watch, the pace quickens and keeps a firm grasp to the reader’s attention. I like the transition between alone time with Sara, and Sara and her father; it shows that she conforms to what her father would rather have her do.

Danny’s arrival keeps the ball rolling, as we see Sara being pulled into new and exhilarating experiences – it makes it feel as though the reader is doing these things for the first time, too. For a short time, the action slows delightfully for Sara’s romance to blossom with Tom, and then delves into a flashback of Danny’s dark past. The adrenaline kicks back in as Veda comes in on the scene; the story’s true villain. For the last quarter of the story, it’s a rush against time to save Tom from Veda’s capture, with the help of Richards and Ford.

Overall, the structure has been planned to great effect - there is a very tight beginning, middle and end where everything works as it should: the beginning sets the scene and characters, playing with their relationships; the middle shows great character progression and the pace begins to pick up as Sara explores the outside world with Danny and Tom; and the epic finale, where twists and turns lead to a satisfying conclusion. My only criticism was that the screenplay ended abruptly and didn't resolve the plot as much as it could have. For example, adding a few more scenes with Sara and Richards leading a life in the outside world would round off the character development and show how much the “journey” has changed them as people. Perhaps showing Tom and Sara on a date together would help to end it on a high too.

Sara, as the protagonist, progresses really well throughout the screenplay. She starts as an innocent girl who wants nothing more than the life she has. Then suddenly, pushed by the ownership of the telescope and watch, she becomes more curious about the world and steps out for the first time. By the end, she shows much bravery and heroism: from a minor to an adult in 106 pages. It’s a pleasure to read and would be great to see translated to the silver screen.

The introduction of Danny is a great addition to the plot, for he is surrounded in mystery until he reveals his not-so-distant past. This worked well, as there was a certain play with whether his intentions were good. His character – being witty and child-like with a touch of eccentricity – injects some comedy into the dialogue, and draws Sara more and more from her shell, while Sara shows him to be more responsible. The rivalry (of sorts) between himself and Tom is comical too.

Richards, for me, was the character at the heart of the story that I believe the audience will relate with the most, due to the loss he has suffered and the over bearing want to protect his daughter. There is much progression with his character too, when he steps into the world to help Sara save Tom. Tom works in a similar way, as he is possibly the most “ordinary” of the characters, his presence helping to keep the plot grounded.

Veda is a brilliant villain: broken as a child, we see that her insanity runs deep, making it very believable. Being very much the “rebel without a cause” with her spontaneity is entertaining and shocking. The fact she is so unpredictable (to the point she tries to kill her own brother – twice!) makes for an engaging read. My only wish is that Veda had flitted in and out of the story earlier in the film, without an explanation of who she is, for a sense of mystery. A few scenes of her wreaking havoc would juxtapose nicely with slower, more emotional scenes such as when Sara is in her apartment.

The dialogue is a large contribution to what makes the screenplay such a pleasure to read, whether comical or emotional; Mullen certainly uses it to great effect in different scenes to further the plot and develop the characters and their relationships. It is particularly effective with Danny, as the naivety and ideologies of a 13 year old boy really shines through.

The emotion created throughout the screenplay is very believable and tangible to the reader. You feel sympathy for Sara not having a very fulfilling life; especially when she is watching a soap opera and pretends to kiss one of the actors. There was something very juvenile and childish about it, handled sensitively. You really feel Danny’s pain when he reveals his past and comes to loggerheads with Veda, fully comprehending how the thirteen year old boy must feel, having his heart torn in half by his older sister. The romance between Sara and Tom grows very well in the short amount of time that it has to progress.

All in all, this was a thrilling read – to the point that it inspired me to break from my shell and post screenplays to Amazon Studios. I might even be tempted to create a trailer mock up for the project. This definitely has all the criteria that I would look for in a film to watch in the theatres; I would buy it on Blu-ray, too! It is such a clever concept, with a great range of characters and a surprising plot. To my personal taste, it would be improved with my suggestions and from other reviews. There were also a few grammatical mistakes, which I would be happy to go over in a private message.

I imagine that I won’t be long until this is picked up by a Hollywood producer – “In the Silences” is exactly what modern cinema is all about!

I haven't finished yet, but am impressed by what I have read so far. I love the opening, but I would say that there are probably a few too many scenes of Sara at different ages, just give us the impression of her growing up, say 3, 8, 12, 16 years old...that type of thing.

Will write more as I finish reading it, but have to say this is probably the best script I have read on here. Nice job!

In the Silence is a great read. I enjoyed following Sara as she wandered out of her posh environment into the world. This story would be great to see in theaters. Besides a few minor formatting errors like lower case slug lines and character names, the only part of the script that left me with questions was the touch. I get the part where the world explodes into life when Sara touches someone and those touching when Sara depresses the watched button go in the silence. I also get that those not wearing the watch freeze when they touch someone in the silence. I think that works well. However, I thought the elevator working while everything was silence was a little confusing. It gave me the Transformers kind of vibe as if the elevator was coming to life. In addition, the story structure could use some work. I like to know who the antagonist is earlier in the story and see the antagonist closing in. There are several ways I see this working. Overall, the story kept me interested and wanting more.

Overall this is an original concept which should make a great movie, and is close to being a five star version. However, I do have a few suggestions.

As this story's beginning, I saw it as the start of a fairy-tale, with Sara's character captivating. The use of Sara's voice overs to describe the action that led up to the present works great ; it also makes the transition into the present work smoothly.

In the second act the fairy-tale mood changes into that of a real life mystery as Danny and the freezing of time becomes the plot. This still works fine except that for me, I feel it was a bit too much on and off of reality. In my opinion the examples of the on and off of time could be greatly reduced and would move the action forward at a faster pace. The romance plot begins here with Sara's feelings for Tom, and works in very well.

The third act in which Veda appears works well, and I think would be better introduced earlier(which it would be if the second act were shorter).

I feel the second act is too long, and with a script of 106 pages ( In PDF format) there is plenty of action describing the freezing of time that could easily be eliminated. This would make for a more crisp and faster moving story.

Lastly, there being a great deal of time stopping, as well as various "types" of time freezes. Perhaps more effort could be spent on reinforcing the theory to the reader.