2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Wow.. this story moves fast
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Wow!
Wow! A very strong effort by a human mind (Mathew 's) to create a visualization of the spiritual battle within each of us to understand our human condition and what afterlife holds. it also reveals some subliminal resentment toward who or whatever caused our human struggle without at least giving us a smidgion of evidence of a hereafter.
That said, the stage or stages Mathew sets for us to envision the story require a great deal of effort, especially depicting that illusive ground between here and hereafter. it takes a lot of guts to attempt this because, well, depicting the unknown, an abstraction to our perceptions, takes a gutsy effort.
Mathew uses many forms of visualization at his disposal, including, some visuals that I can only relate to the video game type of whirlwind action. I think the story may need some simplification of the action and staging to more easily get the message across, it's a great deal to take in. I believe a couple of more drafts could accomplish that.
Many of my own writings involve that place-between here and hereafter- but mathew's efforts here are way beyond the average attempt.
It's quite a challenge. My best to you.
Anthony
That said, the stage or stages Mathew sets for us to envision the story require a great deal of effort, especially depicting that illusive ground between here and hereafter. it takes a lot of guts to attempt this because, well, depicting the unknown, an abstraction to our perceptions, takes a gutsy effort.
Mathew uses many forms of visualization at his disposal, including, some visuals that I can only relate to the video game type of whirlwind action. I think the story may need some simplification of the action and staging to more easily get the message across, it's a great deal to take in. I believe a couple of more drafts could accomplish that.
Many of my own writings involve that place-between here and hereafter- but mathew's efforts here are way beyond the average attempt.
It's quite a challenge. My best to you.
Anthony
2
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Two of Hearts... that should be the title.
Alright I just finished this one. I have to say it's the first of its kind that I have read. The story is complex and at times daunting. I can see this one being turned into a feature film for the Sorcerer's Apprentice, Harry Potter crowd. It has a hint of adventure similar to "Legend" (Tom Cruise) peppered with the dry comedy and heavenly characters of "Dogma" (Kevin Smith). However, as it stands it would require the combined budget of the entire Transformer's franchise to produce with any adequacy. Some of the character's are very likeable, (Casio is my favorite) and others...not so much, but that's not always a bad thing. It needs some work as far as pacing goes, but I'm sure that the next draft will flow much smoother. I think a much better title would be "Two of Hearts"... you will have to read the script to find out why. Anyone familiar with Orange County, CA. would feel right at home with most of the scenes in this one...well the ones that take place on earth at least. The ending needs more... redemption for the female lead would be a start. An opportunity to confront her father, the reuniting with her hero...at the very least. While Charlie's journey is colorful and vast, Gem spends the entire story in a dark and stormy hamster wheel, with rattlesnakes nipping at her heels. Either way... it was an entertaining read, and has the potential to be a slugger in its genre.
POSSIBLE FIXES:
1. Page 1. “confidant” should be “confident”.
2. Page 2. Drop the “CUT TO’s”, as they are unnecessary for a spec script.
3. “Weathered” should be “whether” and should really just be changed to “if”, since there is no “or not” at the end of the sentence, and it makes more sense.
4. Gem’s description should be in the same paragraph as her introduction.
5. Page 3. The dialogue is coming off stiff, and forced.
6. I‘m hoping that the contents of the documents held by the Taylor’s are later revealed, otherwise what is the basis for their accusations? What makes Charlie a lying deceiver?
7. Page 4. Dialogue “continued’s” are no longer necessary.
8. The use of “we” in action sequences is outdated, i.e. we see, or we cut to. So the trailing off after the leaves blowing needs to be fixed to eliminate the CUT TO.
9. More description is needed for the “Saddle Back Gravel Company” scene. Make it “the bed of a truck”, instead of “the truck” implying that the viewer had already been introduced to the truck. Also, the sound of the cement bag hitting the bed needs to be in all caps. These are called sound cues, and are always in caps.
10. Why does he call his co-worker Sir? I see he calls the bus driver Sir as well so I’m assuming he is just a very polite, well-mannered individual.
11. “Santa Anna” is spelled “Santa Ana”.
12. Is Charlie loading them by hand or with a forklift? If it’s by hand, then you should make the bag of cement that was dropped, burst open, otherwise it wouldn’t be an issue worth the co-worker pitching a bitch.
13. Page 5. Lana’s dialogue needs some work. Also Gem’s reaction to the text seems a bit extreme and unprovoked, robbing her character’s likeability. Give a little more explanation as to why she needs to react this way.
14. “Gem throws her notebook” sentence needs some fixing. It’s hard to follow, and punctually inadequate.
15. Page 7. Did you mean “ black jeans, a size too big”?
16. Page 8. “to hard” should be “too hard”.
17. So Charlie was going to punch a female in the face, for angering him? This doesn’t help to make his character more likeable.
18. Page 9. There is an extra line space in False Face’s dialogue.
19. Page 10. I thought Gem’s notebook was still back in the dorm room after she threw it in anger. Did she go back for it?
20. When did they break up? This usually takes both parties being aware that they are no longer together. Was the text the breakup, or the scene where she stormed off? Either way, add a little more detail to the scene that defines their breakup, i.e. Gem screaming “it’s over”.
21. Page 11. Is the water in a cup or a bottle? I see that you later reveal it is a glass of water, however this point needs to be noted upon its introduction to the story.
22. Page 12. More spacing issues.
23. Page 13. Additional spacing issues as well as formatting errors. When False Face is speaking, where is she? You are using (O.S) which means Off Screen, when you should be using (V.O.) which means Voiceover. Off Screen is used when the character is present in the scene, but not seen in the shot. Voiceover is when we simply hear the voice, but the character’s location is insignificant. In this case, it is very hard to follow the scene, and difficult to know where Sinn, and False Face are as far as the inter-cut locations.
24. Page 14. “shinning bronze” should be “shining bronze”.
25. I’m reading the pdf version of the script, so I don’t think they are conversion issues, but there are a ton of hangers in the script, i.e. sentences and dialogue that split between pages at tops and bottoms. You should try to tighten it up a bit on the next draft.
26. Page 17. So what happened to all the innocent victims of this supernatural test? The people on the bus, and the people in the house party? Are they just collateral damage of this heavenly test for our young lovers? The bus went off a cliff, and the house was torn apart by sheets of falling glass.
27. Page 19. I like the banter back and forth between the Gem and Charlie. You can tell that the writer is familiar with relationships. Just possibly tone it down a bit. The witty banter is now over three pages deep and distracting from the story.
28. Page 23. I thought she never actually drank from the glass of water given to her by Sinn, due to the fact that he was a stranger at a party giving her an open drink, and the sight of him almost made her eyes vomit. It seems like our cynical damsel would not be that stupid.
29. Why would the platform be lower? When she is trying to head lower, it would be higher, if she was successfully descending.
30. Page 27. It is very hard to follow the entire scene of the glass platform and the staircases. I tried to visualize to the best of my ability with the description provided, yet I felt like I was running through a never-ending corn maze. Possibly work a little more on the detail of the scene. When Charlie “equips the belt” does that mean he puts it on or what?
31. Page 29. Where did Sinn come from? Did he just appear, or is this a voiceover? He was not included in the scene description.
32. Just a technical note. There may be an issue with using an actual University such as UCI, which is why many films use make believe colleges.
33. Page 30. Should it be “academic carrier” or “academic career”?
34. Page 34. “chard skeletons” should be “charred skeletons”.
35. Page 38. Over slept should be overslept. It’s one word.
36. Page 41. “this instance” should be “ this instant”.
37. Page 42. “Like a dear in the head lights” should be “Like a deer in headlights”.
38. Page 43. “bellow” should be “below”.
39. A large amount of time has passed since we left Charlie on the bridge. Approximately eight and a half minutes of screen time. Yet he is still there. You have a pacing issue that needs to be addressed here.
40. Page 45. “losses” should be “loses”.
41. Page 48. Once again it is very difficult to picture the scene of the memory pools and the battle between Charlie and the wolves. I can tell that you have a clear image of the scene in your head, but it is not as transparent on the page.
42. Another huge problem is that this scene is 8 pages long!!! No scene should be longer than 4 pages, unless it is absolutely crucial, and then it can slide with 5. However, 8 is far too much. 1 page is supposed to equal 1 minute of screen time. A possible fix for this… since the preceding scenes with Gem run too long without the appearance of Charlie, you should consider cutting back and forth between them. This would help tremendously with the pacing of the second act.
43. Page 50. “New Port” should be “Newport”. Just as in the beginning “Saddle Back Gravel” should be “Saddleback Gravel”.
44. Who the hell is Mr. Dorset? I thought Gem’s family was the Taylor’s.
45. Page 51. “vanilla envelope” should be “manila envelope”.
46. Page 56. “starring” should be “staring”.
47. “gently pushes Gem closer” should be “gently pulls Gem closer”.
48. Page 57. “me in the world” should be “me and the world”.
49. Page 58. Just like the CUT TO’s, FADE INTO, and SMASH CUT do not belong in a spec script. No camera angles, or directions whatsoever should be in a spec script. I understand that Amazon does no care too much about formatting or many other key elements; however, any other contest, competition, agency, or production company will hold you to a very strict industry standard. So why cater to the lowest common denominator, such as AS? Go for the gold, and do the right thing, even if nobody is looking.
50. “sun if directly” should be “sun is directly”.
51. Page 59. “infinitive” should be “infinite”.
52. Page 62. Cut “there are” before MANY PEOPLE. So the sentence makes sense.
53. Page 63. “looseness” should be “loosens”.
54. This was another very long scene… 9 pages!!!
55. Page 66. “scene bellow” should be “scene below”.
56. Page 67. First line has font problems.
57. Page 68. “show up to today” should be “show up today”.
58. Page 76. “an SEVEN” should be “a SEVEN”.
59. Page 80. Who is Norse?
60. These scenes of the memory pool and floating discs are incredibly hard to follow, and may be absolutely brutal to direct without the writer on location pointing out exactly what he was going for when scripting them.
61. I’m lost!!!
62. Page 82. “For to long” should be “For too long”.
63. Page 85. “bellow” should be “below”
64. Page 86. “starring” should be “staring”.
65. Page 87. I thought that Connolly had the belt. How does Charlie just grab it?
66. Page 88. “lightening” should be “lightning”.
67. Page 90. “bellow” should be “below” again.
68. Page 92. “Chocking” should be “Choking”.
69. First it’s several stories above the deck, and then it’s twenty. Which one is it?
70. Page 93. “starring” should be “staring” again.
71. Page 95. The dialogue makes no sense. Charlie is talking about it coming naturally, like leading an army into battle, as in a football game. There was also an earlier reference to him still having an arm. Which I’m assuming is meant to lead the reader/viewer into vaguely thinking that he is a former football player, and a QB to be exact. With the lost USC scholarship etc. Here is the question though, when he makes a reference to playing against Arizona State a few years back; how is this possible if he is only 19? There are some plot holes that need to be filled, as well as questions answered about what Charlie’s past holds, and his football background if this is a substantial part of his character.
72. I’m done correcting typo’s, but there are many more that are going unnoted.
73. Page 97. This scene was a whopping 18 pages long before Charlie is finally reunited with Gem!!! Or before we even see or hear from her at the least. I understand that the location moves from one spot to the next, but there were no cutaways, no inter-cuts, no breaks from the long grueling battle in the sky. This part of the third act needs some serious life. I know that it was filled with action, but it needs a chance to breathe, an influx of oppositional juxtaposition.
74. Page 98. Seriously lacks emotion. When the two young lovers are finally reunited the cold sterile dialogue of “Come on Gem, we’ll get you fixed up. Let’s go.” Is far from suitable. This kid has just battled through heavens and earth in his conquest. All of which was a test of their love, and souls. I think he should be a little more elated to see his love.
75. Page 99. The violence between the two of them is a little too much. Gem is made to be an imbalanced violent psychopath with daddy issues. Not the greatest damsel and leading lady.
76. Where did the knife come from? It just materialized, because you made it seem like it was already there once before? Try re-writing that sentence.
77. Page 103. “Sinn tosses the boy by his out of his boots”???
78. Page 106. Is False Face yelling her dialogue, because the last time I checked she was still in the announcer’s booth?
79. Page 109. Gem’s character is coming off overly dramatic, and the closure seems like a false obstacle. Like Gem just has to say “OK I forgive you”, and the story is over, but is being drug out over 100 pages. Make their breakup more significant in the beginning, like let Charlie really leave her, and make it something of a larger magnitude. Not just that they have a tiff, then they’re fine until he texts her he has to work late, then she overreacts and it becomes some worldly battle. As it stands, Charlie simply said he didn’t want to risk her losing her education, and then this crazy bitch blows it up into WWIII. So let him actually have something to apologize for, otherwise it all becomes BS.
80. What the HELL!!!! That is the ending. Talk about being robbed of closure.
POSSIBLE FIXES:
1. Page 1. “confidant” should be “confident”.
2. Page 2. Drop the “CUT TO’s”, as they are unnecessary for a spec script.
3. “Weathered” should be “whether” and should really just be changed to “if”, since there is no “or not” at the end of the sentence, and it makes more sense.
4. Gem’s description should be in the same paragraph as her introduction.
5. Page 3. The dialogue is coming off stiff, and forced.
6. I‘m hoping that the contents of the documents held by the Taylor’s are later revealed, otherwise what is the basis for their accusations? What makes Charlie a lying deceiver?
7. Page 4. Dialogue “continued’s” are no longer necessary.
8. The use of “we” in action sequences is outdated, i.e. we see, or we cut to. So the trailing off after the leaves blowing needs to be fixed to eliminate the CUT TO.
9. More description is needed for the “Saddle Back Gravel Company” scene. Make it “the bed of a truck”, instead of “the truck” implying that the viewer had already been introduced to the truck. Also, the sound of the cement bag hitting the bed needs to be in all caps. These are called sound cues, and are always in caps.
10. Why does he call his co-worker Sir? I see he calls the bus driver Sir as well so I’m assuming he is just a very polite, well-mannered individual.
11. “Santa Anna” is spelled “Santa Ana”.
12. Is Charlie loading them by hand or with a forklift? If it’s by hand, then you should make the bag of cement that was dropped, burst open, otherwise it wouldn’t be an issue worth the co-worker pitching a bitch.
13. Page 5. Lana’s dialogue needs some work. Also Gem’s reaction to the text seems a bit extreme and unprovoked, robbing her character’s likeability. Give a little more explanation as to why she needs to react this way.
14. “Gem throws her notebook” sentence needs some fixing. It’s hard to follow, and punctually inadequate.
15. Page 7. Did you mean “ black jeans, a size too big”?
16. Page 8. “to hard” should be “too hard”.
17. So Charlie was going to punch a female in the face, for angering him? This doesn’t help to make his character more likeable.
18. Page 9. There is an extra line space in False Face’s dialogue.
19. Page 10. I thought Gem’s notebook was still back in the dorm room after she threw it in anger. Did she go back for it?
20. When did they break up? This usually takes both parties being aware that they are no longer together. Was the text the breakup, or the scene where she stormed off? Either way, add a little more detail to the scene that defines their breakup, i.e. Gem screaming “it’s over”.
21. Page 11. Is the water in a cup or a bottle? I see that you later reveal it is a glass of water, however this point needs to be noted upon its introduction to the story.
22. Page 12. More spacing issues.
23. Page 13. Additional spacing issues as well as formatting errors. When False Face is speaking, where is she? You are using (O.S) which means Off Screen, when you should be using (V.O.) which means Voiceover. Off Screen is used when the character is present in the scene, but not seen in the shot. Voiceover is when we simply hear the voice, but the character’s location is insignificant. In this case, it is very hard to follow the scene, and difficult to know where Sinn, and False Face are as far as the inter-cut locations.
24. Page 14. “shinning bronze” should be “shining bronze”.
25. I’m reading the pdf version of the script, so I don’t think they are conversion issues, but there are a ton of hangers in the script, i.e. sentences and dialogue that split between pages at tops and bottoms. You should try to tighten it up a bit on the next draft.
26. Page 17. So what happened to all the innocent victims of this supernatural test? The people on the bus, and the people in the house party? Are they just collateral damage of this heavenly test for our young lovers? The bus went off a cliff, and the house was torn apart by sheets of falling glass.
27. Page 19. I like the banter back and forth between the Gem and Charlie. You can tell that the writer is familiar with relationships. Just possibly tone it down a bit. The witty banter is now over three pages deep and distracting from the story.
28. Page 23. I thought she never actually drank from the glass of water given to her by Sinn, due to the fact that he was a stranger at a party giving her an open drink, and the sight of him almost made her eyes vomit. It seems like our cynical damsel would not be that stupid.
29. Why would the platform be lower? When she is trying to head lower, it would be higher, if she was successfully descending.
30. Page 27. It is very hard to follow the entire scene of the glass platform and the staircases. I tried to visualize to the best of my ability with the description provided, yet I felt like I was running through a never-ending corn maze. Possibly work a little more on the detail of the scene. When Charlie “equips the belt” does that mean he puts it on or what?
31. Page 29. Where did Sinn come from? Did he just appear, or is this a voiceover? He was not included in the scene description.
32. Just a technical note. There may be an issue with using an actual University such as UCI, which is why many films use make believe colleges.
33. Page 30. Should it be “academic carrier” or “academic career”?
34. Page 34. “chard skeletons” should be “charred skeletons”.
35. Page 38. Over slept should be overslept. It’s one word.
36. Page 41. “this instance” should be “ this instant”.
37. Page 42. “Like a dear in the head lights” should be “Like a deer in headlights”.
38. Page 43. “bellow” should be “below”.
39. A large amount of time has passed since we left Charlie on the bridge. Approximately eight and a half minutes of screen time. Yet he is still there. You have a pacing issue that needs to be addressed here.
40. Page 45. “losses” should be “loses”.
41. Page 48. Once again it is very difficult to picture the scene of the memory pools and the battle between Charlie and the wolves. I can tell that you have a clear image of the scene in your head, but it is not as transparent on the page.
42. Another huge problem is that this scene is 8 pages long!!! No scene should be longer than 4 pages, unless it is absolutely crucial, and then it can slide with 5. However, 8 is far too much. 1 page is supposed to equal 1 minute of screen time. A possible fix for this… since the preceding scenes with Gem run too long without the appearance of Charlie, you should consider cutting back and forth between them. This would help tremendously with the pacing of the second act.
43. Page 50. “New Port” should be “Newport”. Just as in the beginning “Saddle Back Gravel” should be “Saddleback Gravel”.
44. Who the hell is Mr. Dorset? I thought Gem’s family was the Taylor’s.
45. Page 51. “vanilla envelope” should be “manila envelope”.
46. Page 56. “starring” should be “staring”.
47. “gently pushes Gem closer” should be “gently pulls Gem closer”.
48. Page 57. “me in the world” should be “me and the world”.
49. Page 58. Just like the CUT TO’s, FADE INTO, and SMASH CUT do not belong in a spec script. No camera angles, or directions whatsoever should be in a spec script. I understand that Amazon does no care too much about formatting or many other key elements; however, any other contest, competition, agency, or production company will hold you to a very strict industry standard. So why cater to the lowest common denominator, such as AS? Go for the gold, and do the right thing, even if nobody is looking.
50. “sun if directly” should be “sun is directly”.
51. Page 59. “infinitive” should be “infinite”.
52. Page 62. Cut “there are” before MANY PEOPLE. So the sentence makes sense.
53. Page 63. “looseness” should be “loosens”.
54. This was another very long scene… 9 pages!!!
55. Page 66. “scene bellow” should be “scene below”.
56. Page 67. First line has font problems.
57. Page 68. “show up to today” should be “show up today”.
58. Page 76. “an SEVEN” should be “a SEVEN”.
59. Page 80. Who is Norse?
60. These scenes of the memory pool and floating discs are incredibly hard to follow, and may be absolutely brutal to direct without the writer on location pointing out exactly what he was going for when scripting them.
61. I’m lost!!!
62. Page 82. “For to long” should be “For too long”.
63. Page 85. “bellow” should be “below”
64. Page 86. “starring” should be “staring”.
65. Page 87. I thought that Connolly had the belt. How does Charlie just grab it?
66. Page 88. “lightening” should be “lightning”.
67. Page 90. “bellow” should be “below” again.
68. Page 92. “Chocking” should be “Choking”.
69. First it’s several stories above the deck, and then it’s twenty. Which one is it?
70. Page 93. “starring” should be “staring” again.
71. Page 95. The dialogue makes no sense. Charlie is talking about it coming naturally, like leading an army into battle, as in a football game. There was also an earlier reference to him still having an arm. Which I’m assuming is meant to lead the reader/viewer into vaguely thinking that he is a former football player, and a QB to be exact. With the lost USC scholarship etc. Here is the question though, when he makes a reference to playing against Arizona State a few years back; how is this possible if he is only 19? There are some plot holes that need to be filled, as well as questions answered about what Charlie’s past holds, and his football background if this is a substantial part of his character.
72. I’m done correcting typo’s, but there are many more that are going unnoted.
73. Page 97. This scene was a whopping 18 pages long before Charlie is finally reunited with Gem!!! Or before we even see or hear from her at the least. I understand that the location moves from one spot to the next, but there were no cutaways, no inter-cuts, no breaks from the long grueling battle in the sky. This part of the third act needs some serious life. I know that it was filled with action, but it needs a chance to breathe, an influx of oppositional juxtaposition.
74. Page 98. Seriously lacks emotion. When the two young lovers are finally reunited the cold sterile dialogue of “Come on Gem, we’ll get you fixed up. Let’s go.” Is far from suitable. This kid has just battled through heavens and earth in his conquest. All of which was a test of their love, and souls. I think he should be a little more elated to see his love.
75. Page 99. The violence between the two of them is a little too much. Gem is made to be an imbalanced violent psychopath with daddy issues. Not the greatest damsel and leading lady.
76. Where did the knife come from? It just materialized, because you made it seem like it was already there once before? Try re-writing that sentence.
77. Page 103. “Sinn tosses the boy by his out of his boots”???
78. Page 106. Is False Face yelling her dialogue, because the last time I checked she was still in the announcer’s booth?
79. Page 109. Gem’s character is coming off overly dramatic, and the closure seems like a false obstacle. Like Gem just has to say “OK I forgive you”, and the story is over, but is being drug out over 100 pages. Make their breakup more significant in the beginning, like let Charlie really leave her, and make it something of a larger magnitude. Not just that they have a tiff, then they’re fine until he texts her he has to work late, then she overreacts and it becomes some worldly battle. As it stands, Charlie simply said he didn’t want to risk her losing her education, and then this crazy bitch blows it up into WWIII. So let him actually have something to apologize for, otherwise it all becomes BS.
80. What the HELL!!!! That is the ending. Talk about being robbed of closure.
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I know it's a test and that they're supposed to learn a lesson, but thus far I'm rooting for Charlie and I'm thinking False Face would make a better girlfriend. Maybe if somehow you could show that Gem actually cares for Charlie, but doesn't show it when he's around? In my mind I see this story more like a darkly twisted Alice in Wonderland. Less like Dante's Inferno. You have some really neat characters and set pieces.