1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Solid Story
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Good story, but characters are too "witty"
While the story itself was interesting and fairly well crafted, the characters themselves were almost too witty for their own good. Rather than having one person, or even two people acting as the "comedic relief," you have almost every one of your characters having a sharp wit. This would work in a comedy or a "quirky" drama, but for a suspense/action/thriller movie it just is too distracting. You fail to see the drama and tension almost right off the bat because of jokes the two police officers are making, and then later at the hospital even the captain has a sarcastic sense of humor. Then, Mac's wife calls and SHE has a sense of humor as well. Then another character. Then another. And another.
The point is, there is a tendency when writing a script to make all of the characters the best possible versions of themselves...the best possible versions of people in general. This is often a mistake that some writers fall into, though, because rather than the script appearing sharp and on-point, it makes it seem almost forced and as if it (the script) is trying too hard.
Furthermore, there are sections of dialogue that last far too long at times. You are using the characters interactions with each other to tell too much, rather than showing us (the audience) what you're trying to convey. Perhaps put some sections of dialogue over relevant action, or, better yet, just cut some of it out. The conversation at the beginning of the story, for example, between the two cops is just...distracting. We're not just learning who they are (which, we will have time to do throughout the whole script...we don't need to hear everything about them upfront), but we're also hearing all the details about the case. And they're being spoken to us.
The best way to create tension, and to hold onto it throughout this story is to follow the policy that "less is more." The less we hear your character's talk about themselves and each other, the more we will get to figure out ourselves through their actions. Example: Having people call Ozawa a 'rogue' cop and a 'one-woman army' is telling, not showing. If she is a rogue cop we will see that for ourselves. If she is a one-woman army, we will figure that out. When Ozawa and Samson meet is another good example of telling, not showing, when you have Samson and Ozawa start telling each other WAY too much information. Why do we need to know that Samson was such-and-such student, and why is Ozawa so immediately trusting? On the other hand, though, you also need to assume that the characters you have speaking with each other (at least where applicable) already know each other. Two people that know each other fairly well aren't going to drop information like that in a normal conversation.
Next on my list of things that can/should be adjusted is the amount of detail you give in your descriptions about characters. In the fore-mentioned scene with Ozawa and Samson, for instance you have written "Ozawa's gun remains holstered, but she looks like a quick draw." How? How does she look like a quick draw? We are given NOTHING on-screen to indicate that fact. You, as a scriptwriter, have to be conscious of your reading audience when writing scripts, I know; but, you have to think purely visually for the most part, as this is what we will end up seeing on-screen. You shouldn't have descriptions of people that will not translate into either, a.) details actors can use as guidelines for how the character(s) should act/move/talk/etc, or, b.) details we can see for ourselves on the screen.
Furthermore, you don't want to take too much away from the actors as far as options go for how to play a scene. You aren't blocking too badly for most of the story, but at times you give too many descriptions about how characters are "looking." Let the actors decide how a character should act and move. Many screenwriters tend to have this "perfect" vision in their heads for the movie they're writing and try to get that vision unto paper by being descriptive; but, the fact is that you aren't meant to detail everything...you're meant to paint a broad picture and let the actors, director, set designer and other professionals add the details - at least the details that are not plot-centric. Obviously if a coffee pot or clock is important to the story as a whole you should write it in, but if objects, details and character emotions aren't necessary for moving the plot along or explaining something away later on, the general rule-of-thumb is to leave those things out. As a reader this will additionally allow ME, your audience for the time-being, the chance to picture the action unfolding in my own head rather than in yours.
Minor side-note: Don't have your characters talk to themselves. It becomes painfully obvious as a reader/viewer when a character is merely saying something out-loud for the sake of the audience. Again, show, don't tell. Instead of Ozawa saying, "This is the one" when she arrives at the docks, just have her check the smart phone instead (for example). You could even have the smartphone show a picture of what it is she's looking for if you didn't trust the audience to figure it out; however, I would generally assume that the audience is just as smart as you. They/we don't need to be talked down to by having lots of exposition.
Will write a separate review of your updated script when I finish reading it, but, hopefully some of these issues have been resolved/altered.
The point is, there is a tendency when writing a script to make all of the characters the best possible versions of themselves...the best possible versions of people in general. This is often a mistake that some writers fall into, though, because rather than the script appearing sharp and on-point, it makes it seem almost forced and as if it (the script) is trying too hard.
Furthermore, there are sections of dialogue that last far too long at times. You are using the characters interactions with each other to tell too much, rather than showing us (the audience) what you're trying to convey. Perhaps put some sections of dialogue over relevant action, or, better yet, just cut some of it out. The conversation at the beginning of the story, for example, between the two cops is just...distracting. We're not just learning who they are (which, we will have time to do throughout the whole script...we don't need to hear everything about them upfront), but we're also hearing all the details about the case. And they're being spoken to us.
The best way to create tension, and to hold onto it throughout this story is to follow the policy that "less is more." The less we hear your character's talk about themselves and each other, the more we will get to figure out ourselves through their actions. Example: Having people call Ozawa a 'rogue' cop and a 'one-woman army' is telling, not showing. If she is a rogue cop we will see that for ourselves. If she is a one-woman army, we will figure that out. When Ozawa and Samson meet is another good example of telling, not showing, when you have Samson and Ozawa start telling each other WAY too much information. Why do we need to know that Samson was such-and-such student, and why is Ozawa so immediately trusting? On the other hand, though, you also need to assume that the characters you have speaking with each other (at least where applicable) already know each other. Two people that know each other fairly well aren't going to drop information like that in a normal conversation.
Next on my list of things that can/should be adjusted is the amount of detail you give in your descriptions about characters. In the fore-mentioned scene with Ozawa and Samson, for instance you have written "Ozawa's gun remains holstered, but she looks like a quick draw." How? How does she look like a quick draw? We are given NOTHING on-screen to indicate that fact. You, as a scriptwriter, have to be conscious of your reading audience when writing scripts, I know; but, you have to think purely visually for the most part, as this is what we will end up seeing on-screen. You shouldn't have descriptions of people that will not translate into either, a.) details actors can use as guidelines for how the character(s) should act/move/talk/etc, or, b.) details we can see for ourselves on the screen.
Furthermore, you don't want to take too much away from the actors as far as options go for how to play a scene. You aren't blocking too badly for most of the story, but at times you give too many descriptions about how characters are "looking." Let the actors decide how a character should act and move. Many screenwriters tend to have this "perfect" vision in their heads for the movie they're writing and try to get that vision unto paper by being descriptive; but, the fact is that you aren't meant to detail everything...you're meant to paint a broad picture and let the actors, director, set designer and other professionals add the details - at least the details that are not plot-centric. Obviously if a coffee pot or clock is important to the story as a whole you should write it in, but if objects, details and character emotions aren't necessary for moving the plot along or explaining something away later on, the general rule-of-thumb is to leave those things out. As a reader this will additionally allow ME, your audience for the time-being, the chance to picture the action unfolding in my own head rather than in yours.
Minor side-note: Don't have your characters talk to themselves. It becomes painfully obvious as a reader/viewer when a character is merely saying something out-loud for the sake of the audience. Again, show, don't tell. Instead of Ozawa saying, "This is the one" when she arrives at the docks, just have her check the smart phone instead (for example). You could even have the smartphone show a picture of what it is she's looking for if you didn't trust the audience to figure it out; however, I would generally assume that the audience is just as smart as you. They/we don't need to be talked down to by having lots of exposition.
Will write a separate review of your updated script when I finish reading it, but, hopefully some of these issues have been resolved/altered.
1
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
High-concept Thriller
I like it, I like it a lot. Here's why it didn't get five:
--premature scenes
we spend all this time watching a micro-drama build up between characters, and just before this hairy situation explodes (or faints) into a full-blown disaster, you cut to the aftermath (primarily the opening--we see the father go woozy, but not Mac; and then all-of-a-sudden they're both in the ambulance getting treated!)
--The Big Reveal
once we learn that Vicky's behind the kidnapping, the story's over; the rest is loose ends. Unfortunately, that leaves 30pgs/30mins of dotting i's and crossing t's. (do you think it's possible to focus on Ozawa more and let Vicky's role linger until the Jungle...)
--The Jungle
this ending really annoyed me. [First], it got a little confusing; virtually everyone in the script converges on the place, and their arrivals really screw with the chronological progression.
[Second] That many people in the same place--how aren't they tripping over each other? In the back of my mind I'm like where's Samson; where's the Dad (why can't I remember his name!)--and why did he stay with Nastya; shouldn't he be stopping his daughter from instigating the "Russians" [and for the record, I like the Grandfather's idea best,--just bury them in the garden]
[Third] mind-erasing pills!--with as much memory loss as she has, why not use the Men-in-Black gizmo... (ok, so maybe I don't really have a legitimate gripe here--but it's just such a unrealistic Hollywood ending; and it avoids the gay issue; was she playin' the nurse-or-wasn't she?)
--The Manilla Envelope
it's their special father/daughter moment, and presumably that's his envelope, so why is the grandparent's pearl necklace with his things? It doesn't work (especially since we find out that was the grandparent's vault); placing it there creates complications later when we find out who the grandparents are. I think you can avoid those issues by forgetting it, and also strengthen this moment by keeping their story focused on the father/mother situation.
Hope this helps, and you know I'll discuss any questions you've got.
christina
--premature scenes
we spend all this time watching a micro-drama build up between characters, and just before this hairy situation explodes (or faints) into a full-blown disaster, you cut to the aftermath (primarily the opening--we see the father go woozy, but not Mac; and then all-of-a-sudden they're both in the ambulance getting treated!)
--The Big Reveal
once we learn that Vicky's behind the kidnapping, the story's over; the rest is loose ends. Unfortunately, that leaves 30pgs/30mins of dotting i's and crossing t's. (do you think it's possible to focus on Ozawa more and let Vicky's role linger until the Jungle...)
--The Jungle
this ending really annoyed me. [First], it got a little confusing; virtually everyone in the script converges on the place, and their arrivals really screw with the chronological progression.
[Second] That many people in the same place--how aren't they tripping over each other? In the back of my mind I'm like where's Samson; where's the Dad (why can't I remember his name!)--and why did he stay with Nastya; shouldn't he be stopping his daughter from instigating the "Russians" [and for the record, I like the Grandfather's idea best,--just bury them in the garden]
[Third] mind-erasing pills!--with as much memory loss as she has, why not use the Men-in-Black gizmo... (ok, so maybe I don't really have a legitimate gripe here--but it's just such a unrealistic Hollywood ending; and it avoids the gay issue; was she playin' the nurse-or-wasn't she?)
--The Manilla Envelope
it's their special father/daughter moment, and presumably that's his envelope, so why is the grandparent's pearl necklace with his things? It doesn't work (especially since we find out that was the grandparent's vault); placing it there creates complications later when we find out who the grandparents are. I think you can avoid those issues by forgetting it, and also strengthen this moment by keeping their story focused on the father/mother situation.
Hope this helps, and you know I'll discuss any questions you've got.
christina
1
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
The good guys win but a grotesqueness remains. And the villains...absolutely marvelous!
The writer has a devastating eye for what makes humans, whether "good" or "bad," hilarious. Tension and horror alternate with irreverent wit. Characters are never what they initially seem. Quickly paced. Not a sunshiny conclusion (no trite sentimental catharsis) but very satisfying. The good guys win but there's this grotesqueness that remains. And the villains? Absolutely marvelous.
Also, great opportunities for multi-racial casting.
Also, great opportunities for multi-racial casting.
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As an aside, I love the artwork.