1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
A magical fairy tale in line with The Never Ending Story and so many others
0
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Not fully realized
Early on, I'm getting a real "Wizard of Oz" vibe from the script with regard to Grace and her desire to escape to another world. As this is not my favorite genre, I'm already a biased opinion, so I apologize ahead of time.
However, I've seen enough of these fish out of water stories to know that the workaholic Mom (or Dad) bit and the "girl living in a broken home" is a bit of a cliche'. Her Dad's angry phone call to her Mom has been done in at least ten other films I can think of. I knew when she had a fit and ran outside we would end up in this fantasy world. The pond reminded me of that scene in "Watcher in the Woods" when the girl falls in the pond and gets trapped. It's also a little bit "Lady in the Water" with the swimming pool.
As she arrives in The Great Forest, she is told she must meet the King. Only the King can use his magic to send her home. Is this meant to be a modern day follow up to Oz? If not, the similarities are fairly obvious.
Upon arrival in the forest, I expect to be immersed in this colorful land with sights I've never seen before. There's nothing here that's really standing out for me. I see wolves, orbs that turn into furry creatures and human-like dragons that can transform. These are the things that roam your forest, and that works to a degree. But upon their first descriptions, they don't really stand out as anything more than wolves and dragons. And the King's Guard is called "King's Guard".
Like I said, I find it hard to get into fantasy films (hate Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, Twilight) but I can appreciate new concepts and am fascinated by an original vision. A true visionary is careful about not only the bigger details, but also the smaller details of their fantasy world. I have to see something new, and constantly be surprised or I can't get involved in your world.
By page 22, I'm searching for visually compelling details and looking to get more invested in your Kingdom. I'm struggling so far.
What kind of wolves are these? How are they different than Twilight? The same with the dragons. The orbs are a nice touch, and the idea of them turning into little gizmos that attack is a great use of visuals. They reminded me of "Critters" when they ate that dead cow. If every detail of this great kingdom you've created were as visually fantastic as this, and gave every character and creature a distinct look and feel, then your story would be that much more visually striking. The better the visuals, the easier it is to immerse yourself in the world you're trying to convey. Oz had yellow brick roads, munchkins, flying monkeys, talking scarecrows and evil green witches. If you really break that movie down, there's not much of a story. It's just Dorothy meeting new characters and encountering these fantastic places on her way to see The Wizard. It was all about the visuals and seeing something we've never seen or felt before.
"The Great Kingdom" should give you that same feeling. And more importantly, make you feel something new. What kind of world is this? And why should we care to see it? Look at Alice in Wonderland, Blade Runner, Pan's Labyrinth. Simple tales told with an original vision. Unfortunately, most of these stories and fantasy plots have been done to death and turned into carbon copies of one another. You have to bring something the slightest bit new to the table.
Since movies like Big Fish and Pan's Labrynth came out, it's twice as hard to create an original, visually compelling fantasy film. I've always been a fan of "staying within the genre" and using the tried and true methods of storytelling, (as far as structure goes) but I think a writer's personal touches have to surpass what we've seen before. How are these wolves and dragons different than the last batch of wolves and dragons? How is this land different than the great land of Oz? It's big and green, but what else? Twilight is big and green, with werewolves and vampires, but it's the strong love triangle that keeps the kids reading these books and seeing the movies. The visuals of wolves and vampires battling in the woods is interesting for all of ten seconds.
The same is true with wolves and dragons, and orbs that turn into furry creatures. What makes the creatures interesting is their mission and purpose.
We're reaching the end of the first act and your story is bogged down by its own vagueness. The King wants to steal the innocence of the children. But what for? Grace asks the people of the Kingdom, but no one knows. They just know she's in danger. This vagueness is like a dark cloud over this script. It's to the point of frustrating. By now, there should be a clear reason why all of this is happening and a world we're completely invested in. It doesn't have to be overly complicated (like I said, some conventions work) but it should still be unique enough to hold our interest.
Your format seems to follow a mostly "one line of action at a time" style. This is perfect for scenes of wild, fast moving action where multiple characters are interacting at once. But, in other quieter scenes, you could trim so many pages from your script just by condensing it into two, three and sometimes four lines of action. It would only make it an even easier, more friendly read.
Your descriptions are easy to follow and really places you in this world you've created. The script, as a whole, does have an easy flow to it. It's just that I didn't find this world very compelling. The story and dialogue follow a real cookie cutter formula of other children's fantasy films, books and bedtime stories.
The title alone "The Great Kingdom" shows an overall lack of focus and creativity. It's like a formula you wanted to explore, but weren't quite sure what direction to go with it.
In summary: To really make this thing crack along, the Kingdom should be much more visually striking than it is. I just can't picture this world in my head. The story has a real slow motion feel to it. Nothing happens for thirty or so pages, and when it does finally happen, some things are still unclear. It needs much more compelling characters, clearer motives, and a series of distinct obstacles for this young girl to overcome.
All n all, everything seems very average here. Everything needs a little bit of work. The title alone needs a serious change. Character, plot, dialogue, premise, emotion, etc. It's the work of a talented mind that should explore her true talent to its maximum potential.
I want the best for you, so I'm suggesting a serious page one re-write so you can have a good chance of advancing to the finals.
Eric D.
However, I've seen enough of these fish out of water stories to know that the workaholic Mom (or Dad) bit and the "girl living in a broken home" is a bit of a cliche'. Her Dad's angry phone call to her Mom has been done in at least ten other films I can think of. I knew when she had a fit and ran outside we would end up in this fantasy world. The pond reminded me of that scene in "Watcher in the Woods" when the girl falls in the pond and gets trapped. It's also a little bit "Lady in the Water" with the swimming pool.
As she arrives in The Great Forest, she is told she must meet the King. Only the King can use his magic to send her home. Is this meant to be a modern day follow up to Oz? If not, the similarities are fairly obvious.
Upon arrival in the forest, I expect to be immersed in this colorful land with sights I've never seen before. There's nothing here that's really standing out for me. I see wolves, orbs that turn into furry creatures and human-like dragons that can transform. These are the things that roam your forest, and that works to a degree. But upon their first descriptions, they don't really stand out as anything more than wolves and dragons. And the King's Guard is called "King's Guard".
Like I said, I find it hard to get into fantasy films (hate Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, Twilight) but I can appreciate new concepts and am fascinated by an original vision. A true visionary is careful about not only the bigger details, but also the smaller details of their fantasy world. I have to see something new, and constantly be surprised or I can't get involved in your world.
By page 22, I'm searching for visually compelling details and looking to get more invested in your Kingdom. I'm struggling so far.
What kind of wolves are these? How are they different than Twilight? The same with the dragons. The orbs are a nice touch, and the idea of them turning into little gizmos that attack is a great use of visuals. They reminded me of "Critters" when they ate that dead cow. If every detail of this great kingdom you've created were as visually fantastic as this, and gave every character and creature a distinct look and feel, then your story would be that much more visually striking. The better the visuals, the easier it is to immerse yourself in the world you're trying to convey. Oz had yellow brick roads, munchkins, flying monkeys, talking scarecrows and evil green witches. If you really break that movie down, there's not much of a story. It's just Dorothy meeting new characters and encountering these fantastic places on her way to see The Wizard. It was all about the visuals and seeing something we've never seen or felt before.
"The Great Kingdom" should give you that same feeling. And more importantly, make you feel something new. What kind of world is this? And why should we care to see it? Look at Alice in Wonderland, Blade Runner, Pan's Labyrinth. Simple tales told with an original vision. Unfortunately, most of these stories and fantasy plots have been done to death and turned into carbon copies of one another. You have to bring something the slightest bit new to the table.
Since movies like Big Fish and Pan's Labrynth came out, it's twice as hard to create an original, visually compelling fantasy film. I've always been a fan of "staying within the genre" and using the tried and true methods of storytelling, (as far as structure goes) but I think a writer's personal touches have to surpass what we've seen before. How are these wolves and dragons different than the last batch of wolves and dragons? How is this land different than the great land of Oz? It's big and green, but what else? Twilight is big and green, with werewolves and vampires, but it's the strong love triangle that keeps the kids reading these books and seeing the movies. The visuals of wolves and vampires battling in the woods is interesting for all of ten seconds.
The same is true with wolves and dragons, and orbs that turn into furry creatures. What makes the creatures interesting is their mission and purpose.
We're reaching the end of the first act and your story is bogged down by its own vagueness. The King wants to steal the innocence of the children. But what for? Grace asks the people of the Kingdom, but no one knows. They just know she's in danger. This vagueness is like a dark cloud over this script. It's to the point of frustrating. By now, there should be a clear reason why all of this is happening and a world we're completely invested in. It doesn't have to be overly complicated (like I said, some conventions work) but it should still be unique enough to hold our interest.
Your format seems to follow a mostly "one line of action at a time" style. This is perfect for scenes of wild, fast moving action where multiple characters are interacting at once. But, in other quieter scenes, you could trim so many pages from your script just by condensing it into two, three and sometimes four lines of action. It would only make it an even easier, more friendly read.
Your descriptions are easy to follow and really places you in this world you've created. The script, as a whole, does have an easy flow to it. It's just that I didn't find this world very compelling. The story and dialogue follow a real cookie cutter formula of other children's fantasy films, books and bedtime stories.
The title alone "The Great Kingdom" shows an overall lack of focus and creativity. It's like a formula you wanted to explore, but weren't quite sure what direction to go with it.
In summary: To really make this thing crack along, the Kingdom should be much more visually striking than it is. I just can't picture this world in my head. The story has a real slow motion feel to it. Nothing happens for thirty or so pages, and when it does finally happen, some things are still unclear. It needs much more compelling characters, clearer motives, and a series of distinct obstacles for this young girl to overcome.
All n all, everything seems very average here. Everything needs a little bit of work. The title alone needs a serious change. Character, plot, dialogue, premise, emotion, etc. It's the work of a talented mind that should explore her true talent to its maximum potential.
I want the best for you, so I'm suggesting a serious page one re-write so you can have a good chance of advancing to the finals.
Eric D.
0
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
SCRIPT and TRAILER
The overall script is a very good read, nice and clean.
The trailer needs audio help. Your graphics are good but the audio track is garbled up so bad in spots you can't make out what is being spoken.
I think if you haven't read this script and tried to watch the trailer you might be lost.
The trailer needs audio help. Your graphics are good but the audio track is garbled up so bad in spots you can't make out what is being spoken.
I think if you haven't read this script and tried to watch the trailer you might be lost.
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Grace was a likeable character, as were Ben and the others. In general this is one of the best scripts I have read on Amazon Studios, in the sense that it is professional and the story flows nicely. I would like a sense of time early on – I feel like we are certainly not starting in modern time, but when?
The idea of a massive attack against the King was fun, but it just seems too easy to get everyone on board (page 50s). And although there is a lot of worry about everyone forgetting by morning, it just seems to have not been a problem. Weird. I feel this should cause an obstacle, but they learn to overcome it somehow (maybe a great speech moment for Ben?).
I like that Grace has challenged the King on page 85, but at the same time it doesn’t make a lot of sense – she has no training and he has lots. Then on page 87 Ben says ‘You’re still you, Grace!’ as if that should mean she would have a chance? I think she would have to outsmart him, trick him some way – maybe if earlier in the script you had Ben teaching her swordplay, just for fun or something, this could work better? It is fun, but somewhat unbelievable.
In spite of the small issues that could be worked, the ending, like the rest of the script, was lovely. Thank you.
I also have some other nit-picks and more specific comments, as laid out below:
I was told in my screenwriting class that capitalizing sounds is the way scripts used to be done, but not anymore (page 2 – BARKS).
I was told it should be a single dash in the slug lines, not two, but two in other places, like when one character’s dialogue cuts off another’s – which you do the opposite of (page 5 – twice, also page 18, 32, 48, 55, 73, 75 - some people even advise using three dashes, but two is fine and I think looks better).
Page 11 – ‘Grace walks up on a (…)’ – wouldn’t that mean she actually walked on it? Should be ‘walks up to a’
I think the Hunter works if we see him again – I hope we see him again.
Page 16 – Koren has no age. Can we at least get 30s or 40s so I have a reference? This happens again a few places, including with The Mother on page 22.
I am not sure how I feel about the single line descriptions – I know it breaks it up, but maybe make two lines a minimum instead? For example, page 20 looks a bit unnerving because of the single line actions.
Page 21 – the men and women should be capitalized.
I notice on page 21, and a few places before, you like to end narration with explanation marks – have you seen this done in other scripts? I’ve never noticed it, and am not sure how I feel about it.
Page 22 – dragon should be Dragon (I believe animals follow this rule – just like Man and Woman and Cook).
Page 25 – The Mother says she had a child, then says she doesn’t know what happened to ‘them’ – shouldn’t it be ‘it’ or ‘her’ or ‘him’?
Page 28 – I am always unsure about whether sentences like ‘Ben is suddenly very interested’ belong in scripts. How do we know he’s interested? By an action? Then describe the action. The same with on page 30 where you say ‘you get the feeling (…)’ – how so?
Page 39 – the romance between the two children is odd, although I remember having crushes on girls back then, so I guess not too weird.
Page 40-43 – fun, but it would be nice to see the dragon in action, see it get damaged.
I enjoyed the Momento-like aspects of the script, as seen on the drawings on the mid-40s pages.
Page 44 – should have the dragon tied, not just laying there.
Page 45 – Grace sais ‘Yes, but honestly I’m more afraid of the dark’ – this seems too mature for a 10 year old to say.
Page 52 – ‘Ben is devastated… but determined not to lose Dragon gain.’ – this line is unnecessary, how does it help the script? Show it in dialogue and action.
Page 61 – you hint that Sprites rhyme, but I haven’t seen much of this – more rhyming? Then it starts on page 63 – why not earlier?
Page 61 – Grace volunteers to go find the giants by herself, her reasoning being that they are too far off – this didn’t make sense to me, how does she going by herself make it faster?
Page 64 – I like the image of the sprite (Jori) flying alongside the crow with the basket for Grace – nice touch!
Page 77 – I have a hard time imagining how Ben could dip the tip of his spear into a pouch at his side – is it a really short spear? Maybe have the sprite dust somewhere else?
Page 83 – you write inside the King’s head again – doesn’t work in a script (at the end of the page starting with “The King is nervous.” And also with “The King tries to think…”).