2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Loved it
6
out of
8
people found the following review helpful:
Felt myself needing more.
As I ended a page of this script, I felt I could not look away from my screen, it kept me captivated.
Picturing the scenes and settings as I read made the the best I have read yet. I could not find one thing wrong with this story.
When you have this kind of talent, it is just a matter of time before the big shots in Hollywood take notice.
I loved this story as a whole and hope to be able to read more works by this writer.
To describe this in a few words:
STUNNING
BRILLIANT
The suspense and overall tone of the writing is what keeps me hooked in.
GREAT JOB
Michael
Picturing the scenes and settings as I read made the the best I have read yet. I could not find one thing wrong with this story.
When you have this kind of talent, it is just a matter of time before the big shots in Hollywood take notice.
I loved this story as a whole and hope to be able to read more works by this writer.
To describe this in a few words:
STUNNING
BRILLIANT
The suspense and overall tone of the writing is what keeps me hooked in.
GREAT JOB
Michael
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Intense Culture and Action in need of a scalpel
I think you have a great premise here, but there are so many mistakes that Hollywood readers would likely dismiss the script without bothering to read it. I have commented on some of those mistakes below. As for character and pacing, I felt the action was great and kept me interested, but the pacing as far as knowing where the story was going was a bit slow – perhaps this is due to the fact that it is 151 pages. The characters are well done with great descriptions, but I felt the dialogue was long in places (pages 19-26 for example). Remember that film is a visual media.
The pacing could be easily fixed with cutting down on the verbose descriptions and creating tighter dialogue – which means this script could be great if you spent the time cutting and revising over a couple of hours, and I don’t think any major revision in plot or structure in necessary (unlike one of mine which really needs it and I am dreading doing so!).
The reading could also feel faster if you broke up your paragraphs into smaller paragraphs, for example the last paragraph on page 27 is seven lines long – try for max 3 lines per narration paragraph. For example, page 99 looks ALMOST like a page out of a novel! There is barely any white space. I am sure you would like more comments on story, but I thought the story was great, it just needs to be tidied up.
From the beginning I see problems with format. You are describing the situation as if you adapted it from a novel, not wrote as a screenplay. Do you need to say the hills are covered by green grass? Also you says consist of ‘black man,’ what does this mean? Do you mean one single black man? Army, or the men you describe, should be capitalized (all caps at first, just the first letter later). The start is very interesting, I just feel it could be written in about half the space (which, if done throughout, could help bring it down from 151 pages).
Also ‘A General,’ ‘A warrior’ and ‘A priest’ should all be all caps the first time, jus the first letter after. I see you do this later with main characters, but don’t forget you have to do it whenever a character/actor shows up, even extras.
The action is good but wordy – on page three instead of saying ‘The impact is so severe that Jygar is thrown a few yards back’ can’t you say ‘the impact throws Jygar back.’ As far as filming, it’s the same. Other examples can be found throughout, such as page 5 where ‘Jygar soon awakens and rises with feline agility’ – this is too much.
On pages 14, 27, 150 and other places, you made a big mistake that will make many readers stop right there – you told the camera what to do. This is not the script writer’s job, this is the up to the director and others. All we do is subtly guide them through action and description. “Camera zooms in” is a no go, and I highly recommend you find any such direction in this script and delete.
Examples of some problems found throughout the script:
Page 6 – ‘cheers’ should be cheer. Page 7 – ‘taps’ should be tap. It seems you should check the script for these mistakes when you have a plural group performing action.
Page 8 – Odd space between two paragraphs of General’s speech, at the bottom.
Page 11 – ‘The tallest one, whom is the leader’ – you can’t film the fact that he is the leader ,so why write this?
Page 14 – the dialogue between the teens and Zairos doesn’t seem believable. It’s too expository (I’ve been beaten by kids like you’) and unnatural.
Page 14 – Oh no – you
Page 15 – ‘Zairos is kneeling in pain’= Zairos kneels in pain. This repeats – get rid of most uses of ‘is’
Page 15 – space between dialogue of Avenarth and Soldier.
Page 16 – Avernath’s dialogue is misaligned.
(Many such mistakes throughout)
Page 100, and others: Flashbacks should be a transition shot, right aligned and say ‘FLASHBACK TO:’ and then in the slug line to the right of the time of day say ‘ – ONE MONTH AGO’ or however long ago it was. Then when you return to present day, have the original slug with ‘PRESENT DAY’
Page 151 – this looks like Darlium’s dialogue, where it begins ‘The sun shines on the sky.’ But I believe this is description, so should be left aligned.
- Final thought: Wow, deep culture, lots of thought and time put into this script, it just needs a lot of tightening. A great book I always recommend is ‘Save the Cat’ – GREAT!
The pacing could be easily fixed with cutting down on the verbose descriptions and creating tighter dialogue – which means this script could be great if you spent the time cutting and revising over a couple of hours, and I don’t think any major revision in plot or structure in necessary (unlike one of mine which really needs it and I am dreading doing so!).
The reading could also feel faster if you broke up your paragraphs into smaller paragraphs, for example the last paragraph on page 27 is seven lines long – try for max 3 lines per narration paragraph. For example, page 99 looks ALMOST like a page out of a novel! There is barely any white space. I am sure you would like more comments on story, but I thought the story was great, it just needs to be tidied up.
From the beginning I see problems with format. You are describing the situation as if you adapted it from a novel, not wrote as a screenplay. Do you need to say the hills are covered by green grass? Also you says consist of ‘black man,’ what does this mean? Do you mean one single black man? Army, or the men you describe, should be capitalized (all caps at first, just the first letter later). The start is very interesting, I just feel it could be written in about half the space (which, if done throughout, could help bring it down from 151 pages).
Also ‘A General,’ ‘A warrior’ and ‘A priest’ should all be all caps the first time, jus the first letter after. I see you do this later with main characters, but don’t forget you have to do it whenever a character/actor shows up, even extras.
The action is good but wordy – on page three instead of saying ‘The impact is so severe that Jygar is thrown a few yards back’ can’t you say ‘the impact throws Jygar back.’ As far as filming, it’s the same. Other examples can be found throughout, such as page 5 where ‘Jygar soon awakens and rises with feline agility’ – this is too much.
On pages 14, 27, 150 and other places, you made a big mistake that will make many readers stop right there – you told the camera what to do. This is not the script writer’s job, this is the up to the director and others. All we do is subtly guide them through action and description. “Camera zooms in” is a no go, and I highly recommend you find any such direction in this script and delete.
Examples of some problems found throughout the script:
Page 6 – ‘cheers’ should be cheer. Page 7 – ‘taps’ should be tap. It seems you should check the script for these mistakes when you have a plural group performing action.
Page 8 – Odd space between two paragraphs of General’s speech, at the bottom.
Page 11 – ‘The tallest one, whom is the leader’ – you can’t film the fact that he is the leader ,so why write this?
Page 14 – the dialogue between the teens and Zairos doesn’t seem believable. It’s too expository (I’ve been beaten by kids like you’) and unnatural.
Page 14 – Oh no – you
Page 15 – ‘Zairos is kneeling in pain’= Zairos kneels in pain. This repeats – get rid of most uses of ‘is’
Page 15 – space between dialogue of Avenarth and Soldier.
Page 16 – Avernath’s dialogue is misaligned.
(Many such mistakes throughout)
Page 100, and others: Flashbacks should be a transition shot, right aligned and say ‘FLASHBACK TO:’ and then in the slug line to the right of the time of day say ‘ – ONE MONTH AGO’ or however long ago it was. Then when you return to present day, have the original slug with ‘PRESENT DAY’
Page 151 – this looks like Darlium’s dialogue, where it begins ‘The sun shines on the sky.’ But I believe this is description, so should be left aligned.
- Final thought: Wow, deep culture, lots of thought and time put into this script, it just needs a lot of tightening. A great book I always recommend is ‘Save the Cat’ – GREAT!
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Quite the saga..
Finalist: Best Kids and Family Script
Semifinalist: Best Script, Best Sci-Fi/Action Script, Best Kids and Family Script
January 04, 2012
Storm Dragons was not an easy script to read - it is heavily layered with very strong visuals to the point of where if I were a studio head, I would probably go to bat and ask that the writer direct the picture because this is the type of story that begs to be told visually rather than read.
That said, there are a few things for the writer to mull over in the next raft. The script as I said - is a tough read - some things need to be pared down end the number of characters may need to be trimmed.
I had difficulty centering on the main character from the opening pages. I though Jaygur waste one to follow but the script continued to pour on layers of characters which became overwhelming. It was hard to discern the characters because a lot of their actions are driven by dialog which I felt was too dramatic or staged. - asia the characters were shouting their lines from a stage.
Zairo was a sympathetic character who deservedly met his fate t the end. Naimo was another and I was disappointed that he died so there is a degree of emotion.
However, I must stress that the script is overwhelming but not in a bad way but in a way that the story needs to be told as driven by action and not what the characters reveal. Just because there is swordplay and battles,it does not mean that the story is driven by character -there are multiple instances where the dialog drives the plot and takes me out of the world you have set up.
All in all, it was an interesting read. Try and omit the we see and we hears.
Best wishes!
That said, there are a few things for the writer to mull over in the next raft. The script as I said - is a tough read - some things need to be pared down end the number of characters may need to be trimmed.
I had difficulty centering on the main character from the opening pages. I though Jaygur waste one to follow but the script continued to pour on layers of characters which became overwhelming. It was hard to discern the characters because a lot of their actions are driven by dialog which I felt was too dramatic or staged. - asia the characters were shouting their lines from a stage.
Zairo was a sympathetic character who deservedly met his fate t the end. Naimo was another and I was disappointed that he died so there is a degree of emotion.
However, I must stress that the script is overwhelming but not in a bad way but in a way that the story needs to be told as driven by action and not what the characters reveal. Just because there is swordplay and battles,it does not mean that the story is driven by character -there are multiple instances where the dialog drives the plot and takes me out of the world you have set up.
All in all, it was an interesting read. Try and omit the we see and we hears.
Best wishes!
2
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Storm Dragon 3rd Draft review
I thought this story opened in a great pace. It captureed my attention and kept it as the story moved forward. I thought the pace of the story was excellent. I like the characters, they are charachter that we as an audience can relate to. The Dialogue was real and it moved the story forward.
I do however think the story is a little long. Also some portions of dialogue were a bit long winded. I feel that if some of the longer dialogue lines were shorter it would make for snapier dialogue. My overall impression of this script is GREAT! I would love to see this as a movie.
I do however think the story is a little long. Also some portions of dialogue were a bit long winded. I feel that if some of the longer dialogue lines were shorter it would make for snapier dialogue. My overall impression of this script is GREAT! I would love to see this as a movie.
1
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Great Story with tons of Celtic Lore
It,s a great epic saga that would be better as a mini series.
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Love the opening and the battle. I had to really pay attention quite a lot of information was throw out very fast. Great details in the battle by the way. A little technical with all the names and cities and covenants at first, but should be ok in movie form. I love the tournament set-up and you did a great job of separating you from the other stories However I feel that you where able to stay original.
I also love the general of Galadar dedication to keeping the tradition. And finding the street kid who risked his life. I didn’t expect you story to start at a beginning. When I read the first few pages I thought it would be about the current storm dragons not the future generations. I think you did well to do that. The reason I think you where able to separate yourself from the pack is
The "old dragons" are training the "new dragons".
I want spoil the story but I almost cried on this. Very sad and even the potential to be epic there were a few typos that need corrected but overall the story kept me guessing. I love all the characters and their development
I do have a problem with the very ending no redemption for the betrayer. It was a little chessy that he was redeemed. He should have been forgiven but mercifully killed. Also the last shot doesn’t work to me I’ll send an email with details for what I meant. It was good but maybe a little too commercial.