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They say the first few pages of a script are what sells it. So the stars I give are for the first few pages, as I did not get beyond page ten or so.

Points of failure.
1. Charlie sounds like he is written by a jingoist American. The French judges emphasize that he is American, and that Americans win the diving prize more often than not. Looking at the Olympic finalists in the last twenty years for the 10 metre platform, an American won one gold medal and one silver. Not consistent with the judges' dialogue. May as well have the French say 'Everyone is All-American' or some such. No need to alienate foreign audiences.

2. When he wins the diving prize, rather than thanking the judges, with due etiquette, he is dismissive, telling them to 'put it on the slate' or so. That sounds very arrogant, unlikeable, small minded and, childish. If the story is one of character redemption that may make sense, but assuming it is not, I give but one star for the character.

3. There is no such thing as a precious metal detector that tells you the mass of precious metals in a metal hulled submarine. You have to extract it and weigh it. Rather than make up some science fiction hocus pocus, consider a credible alternative.

4. How do you get 17 tons of gold aboard a submarine?

My half way review! I am at page 61 so I thought I would give you my feedback Marty.


Excellent opening - really gripped me. Combo of Bourne ID meets Indianna Jones!
I was drwan in - intrigued.
Then it flagged a bit for me.
Two lead characters are tending towards being a bit cliched - can you give them quirkes? Unique identity - like Bourne has in his seires, making them likeable, more vulnerable?

Would like to see more meaningful, characterful interaction between the two leads when they on the run. He could defo have more humour! A different kind of sexual attraction? Something quirky?

The lead up to their first sexual encounter seemed a little premature to me if you'll pardon the pun! I was surpised but not in a good way.

It is like we did not really get to know the "real" people behind the heros masks - their flaws, their soft side, their real fears and longings.

And again their "vulnerability" would really make them likeable and cherished! Bourne has it but I don't see it in your hero Charlie and that makes him a bit of an automatom - like Sy Stallone :(.
(Their is a short cutaway (P59) to their making love which is sandwhiched between two action interactions - not sure why?)

Points in script that confused me:
Why does the Greman Chancellor "break into German"? Surley he would be speaking this language in first place?!

Marty I believe you are onto a winner; especially if you make the heros more vulnerable and more complex!
Congrats and greetings from Dublin!

This is a interesting script; the ocean and underwater setting can be visually stimulating and has not been over used, perhaps because of the expense of filming underwater. It has a National Treasure feel to it, as well as a James Bondish Hero and seemed to flow fairly good to an ending that sets up a sequel. With the right cast this could be a good franchise but done wrong could be a real piece of.........! Good luck on this project, I did enjoy the read.

When Ray pitches the initial dive to Charlie, it would be better if the reason to risk entering the US were to save Ray or help him avoid financial destruction and not just a big payday. It would also be better to address the wariness Charlie should have about coming anywhere in the US, much less the NYC area.
I also really wanted to know a little more how a former Mossad agent's grandmother worked on the most-secret project for Hitler. It seems either the Nazis or the Israeli government would have had some serious trust issues about the family from the get go.
I essentially will watch any movie that has Nazis, time travel or vampires. After the action reached Prague, I was invested enough to keep watching, but it seemed to come apart a little from that point.
If they were captured by the Nazis after Prague and some of the overall Fourth Reich plot were revealed, but they escaped and foiled their plans it would help build more tension and reveal more of the Nasi-ness earlier on. I also was not sure exactly what the Nazis needed to make alchemy work that they didn't have in 1945. If the international jaunt included the keys and some other ingredient, it would explain why Germany didn't win WWII.
I also expected more swimming or diving over the course of the script from Charlie.
Those are some of my concerns and ideas.
As a stuff-blows-up movie, it had plenty of action and gratuitous romance, but I would expect this to be a movie I see on Netflix or in the aisles of a Blockbuster and say, "When did this come out?"

w

It's the same old story all over again, Raiders-of the Lost ark-esq type action movie. All the same ingredients, someone being chased, something that has to be recovered, a love interest some action etc.


It covers no new ground, and I would be surprised if this did well at the box office. The amount movies made to this format are simply numerous. It's time to find something new, a new subject matter. Something that is more daring and covers new ground rather than maintains a standard set many years ago. It's case of trying to regurgitate the same tried and tested format but looking for new results even though people are tired of these types of movies.