This was a somewhat familiar tale, enlivened by a couple of strong scenes, but also marred by some fairly exploitative material.
I thought the scene with Kerry's father following him into the bar, unaware that he was an undercover cop, was exceptional. Tense and suspenseful, this was your screenplay at its best. It's also a strong, if familiar, setup, though the whole idea that his father thought he was a drug addict rang false. I may be wrong, but my guess is that family members know full well that people are undercover - they just can't talk about it.
The scene with Kerry getting rid of the girl he just slept with was also odd. I wasn't sure what you were trying to say. It establishes that Kerry's a douchebag for sure, but we never explore that side of his character again. He's more of a damaged knight in shining armor.
We then get to the very awkward scene where Tyrone explains even his fantasies don't cross the magic 18 year old line. I was wondering what this was all about, but to your credit you do pay it off later. However, it feels very forced, and in all honesty I don't think your payoff justifies its inclusion.
You're dealing with a very tricky subject matter, so when you include a scene with a villain about to rape a kid, you need to be careful. Unfortunately, I think you mishandled it. Your story isn't about pedophilia, innocence robbed or exploitation - child abuse doesn't personally tie into Kerry or Bianca's backstory - so you're really just putting it in there to get a reaction, which is a dangerous game: that comes very close to pure exploitation.
You make matters worse by having Tyrone rape Bulgari as punishment. I realize Bulgari suffers an even worse fate eventually, but to suggest rape as a punishment for rape is a little reckless. On top of that, it was a dumb move by Kerry. Why not tie Bulgari up and leave an anonymous tip with the police? No loose ends that way.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying Bulgari can't be a child molester, but I think you need to somehow tie that into your overall theme if you're going to go down that route.
Another issue I had is that it's Miguel, not Garcia that kills Kerry's Dad. That's not personal enough. Your logline says Garcia is the kingpin drug dealer who has made Kerry's life a waking nightmare, but that's not really in your script. Do they even meet till the climax?
I did like your twist with Jimmy, but in hindsight, it made no difference to your story. It seems that Jimmy should somehow have been involved Kerry's Father's death, and should perhaps have been close on Kerry's heel, trying to conceal his own involvement.
You guys can definitely write, and as I noted above, the scene with the father's death was great, but the rest of the tale follows a somewhat predictable path, even with all the seediness. Kerry and Bianca bounce from location to location, finding out their next destination till they eventually find Garcia, and that's kind of it.
But I had a glimpse of what it could have been on page 37, when you killed Bianca. I was impressed. You pulled the rug out from under me, and I was excited. This story could go anywhere.
Then on page 38 we discover she was wearing a bullet proof vest. Shame.
In reading back, this seems a like a harsh review, but I want you to know I enjoyed reading it. You even made me genuinely laugh a couple of times in the last pages (the beach house gag, plus Orvil). It just doesn't do anything different enough to rise above the tawdriness at present.
Hope that helps. I look forward to seeing it develop.
This was a somewhat familiar tale, enlivened by a couple of strong scenes, but also marred by some fairly exploitative material.
I thought the scene with Kerry's father following him into the bar, unaware that he was an undercover cop, was exceptional. Tense and suspenseful, this was your screenplay at its best. It's also a strong, if familiar, setup, though the whole idea that his father thought he was a drug addict rang false. I may be wrong, but my guess is that family members know full well that people are undercover - they just can't talk about it.
The scene with Kerry getting rid of the girl he just slept with was also odd. I wasn't sure what you were trying to say. It establishes that Kerry's a douchebag for sure, but we never explore that side of his character again. He's more of a damaged knight in shining armor.
We then get to the very awkward scene where Tyrone explains even his fantasies don't cross the magic 18 year old line. I was wondering what this was all about, but to your credit you do pay it off later. However, it feels very forced, and in all honesty I don't think your payoff justifies its inclusion.
You're dealing with a very tricky subject matter, so when you include a scene with a villain about to rape a kid, you need to be careful. Unfortunately, I think you mishandled it. Your story isn't about pedophilia, innocence robbed or exploitation - child abuse doesn't personally tie into Kerry or Bianca's backstory - so you're really just putting it in there to get a reaction, which is a dangerous game: that comes very close to pure exploitation.
You make matters worse by having Tyrone rape Bulgari as punishment. I realize Bulgari suffers an even worse fate eventually, but to suggest rape as a punishment for rape is a little reckless. On top of that, it was a dumb move by Kerry. Why not tie Bulgari up and leave an anonymous tip with the police? No loose ends that way.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying Bulgari can't be a child molester, but I think you need to somehow tie that into your overall theme if you're going to go down that route.
Another issue I had is that it's Miguel, not Garcia that kills Kerry's Dad. That's not personal enough. Your logline says Garcia is the kingpin drug dealer who has made Kerry's life a waking nightmare, but that's not really in your script. Do they even meet till the climax?
I did like your twist with Jimmy, but in hindsight, it made no difference to your story. It seems that Jimmy should somehow have been involved Kerry's Father's death, and should perhaps have been close on Kerry's heel, trying to conceal his own involvement.
You guys can definitely write, and as I noted above, the scene with the father's death was great, but the rest of the tale follows a somewhat predictable path, even with all the seediness. Kerry and Bianca bounce from location to location, finding out their next destination till they eventually find Garcia, and that's kind of it.
But I had a glimpse of what it could have been on page 37, when you killed Bianca. I was impressed. You pulled the rug out from under me, and I was excited. This story could go anywhere.
Then on page 38 we discover she was wearing a bullet proof vest. Shame.
In reading back, this seems a like a harsh review, but I want you to know I enjoyed reading it. You even made me genuinely laugh a couple of times in the last pages (the beach house gag, plus Orvil). It just doesn't do anything different enough to rise above the tawdriness at present.
Hope that helps. I look forward to seeing it develop.
Karl