7
out of
7
people found the following review helpful:
Killer premise, fun moments, great potential--just some structural issues
3
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Cute premise and dialogue, but mushy in the middle
First of all, I think Chris Early did a superb job of hitting upon the major strengths and weaknesses of this project, so anything that I add will probably sound like a rehash of his review.
It's a fun read, no doubt. The writing is slick, pithy, and polished...exactly what a Hollywood script ought to look like. Dialogue is probably the script's strongest suit, chock-full of witticisms and pop culture references for a variety of age groups.
I'd disagree somewhat with Chris Early on the evaluation of the premise. This project seems familiar to me. It reminds me a lot of THE INCREDIBLES; even though we're clearly not dealing with a family of super-powered beings, the fact that this script manages to suit up almost the entire family in order to battle the baddie, makes it reminiscent of that movie. Maybe throw in a bit of KICK-ASS for good measure...clearly, this isn't the most original concept out there. But it's cute in a "what if" sort of scenario--what if an ordinary man suddenly gained access to an entire cache of superhero gadgets? What would he do with those gadgets?
What, indeed. What we're treated to, from a structural standpoint, is a kind of haphazard plot. And if plot is a reflection of character, then maybe the unevenness of the journey stems from the ineffectiveness of the protagonist, Jim. Aside from one small admission of guilt over losing his job, he seems largely content to stay at home and play house-husband. We don't learn much about his previous occupation and we don't get a sense that he has much in the way of ambition. His wife Linda, as a result of having landed a new job, temporarily wears the pants in the family, but we're almost led to wonder if she's been wearing them for a much longer period of time.
Jim isn't alpha male/superhero material, in other words, so that leaves plenty of room for him to grow as a character. That's great, but...does he REALLY change by script's end? I have my doubts. He's saved more by gadgetry and family teamwork than he is by his own virtues. And I think the reason the writers had to rely on this solution for his arc, is because they don't have a clearly defined, formidable antagonist to CHALLENGE Jim every step of the way and precipitate his growth. Chris Early illustrates this point quite well in his own critique; Nemesis hardly lives up to his namesake. He's barely a presence in the script until page 81 onwards. And like Jim, Nemesis seems equally directionless. Who is this guy, really, and why does he want to be a villain so badly?
Unlike Chris Early, I don't have a problem with the writers' reliance on stereotypes--cliques of snobby teenage girls, stoner guitarist boyfriends, butch middle school bullies, backstabbing coworkers, etc. This material isn't going to break any new ground with its characterization because it IS comic book material in the first place. So long as the character arcs are present and generally fulfilled, this script is on track to accomplish what it needs to. However, I would agree with Chris Early in that it makes little sense for Clark to show up at school with an array of superhero weapons as a peace offering to the bullies; instead, he ought to gain some confidence from his initial victory over them, or he ought to find a way to outsmart them when gadgetry alone no longer works.
I feel like the writers struggle when trying to juggle the various A, B and C storylines...probably because they made the wrong choice in elevating Linda's work storyline to A level status. I don't agree that Richard and Nemesis should be combined into a single character; instead, I think Linda's storyline needs to be downgraded altogether, while Jim's gradual ascendance to the realm of superhero needs to be fleshed out significantly.
This all goes back to the question, what would he (Jim) DO with those gadgets? What KINDS of choices would he make? Selfish ones at first, of course, but with the guiding (mentoring) presence of the computer to mitigate those choices. To a CERTAIN extent, the writers DO show Jim exploring his options...but not nearly enough so. THIS is the MEAT of the story...what kind of a man is Jim, ultimately? Is he man enough to step into a superhero's shoes? In the ultimate wish-fulfillment fantasy, the answer would be yes...but in the current draft, he's too amorphous, too undefined, to accomplish this task alone.
There is HUGE potential in this script, despite any misgivings outlined above. But in my humble opinion, it's going to take ripping out the guts of the current draft and reworking them to resemble a more archetypal battle of good versus evil...one in which the protagonist is a tarnished diamond in the rough, and the antagonist is as strong and as clever as the protagonist.
It's a fun read, no doubt. The writing is slick, pithy, and polished...exactly what a Hollywood script ought to look like. Dialogue is probably the script's strongest suit, chock-full of witticisms and pop culture references for a variety of age groups.
I'd disagree somewhat with Chris Early on the evaluation of the premise. This project seems familiar to me. It reminds me a lot of THE INCREDIBLES; even though we're clearly not dealing with a family of super-powered beings, the fact that this script manages to suit up almost the entire family in order to battle the baddie, makes it reminiscent of that movie. Maybe throw in a bit of KICK-ASS for good measure...clearly, this isn't the most original concept out there. But it's cute in a "what if" sort of scenario--what if an ordinary man suddenly gained access to an entire cache of superhero gadgets? What would he do with those gadgets?
What, indeed. What we're treated to, from a structural standpoint, is a kind of haphazard plot. And if plot is a reflection of character, then maybe the unevenness of the journey stems from the ineffectiveness of the protagonist, Jim. Aside from one small admission of guilt over losing his job, he seems largely content to stay at home and play house-husband. We don't learn much about his previous occupation and we don't get a sense that he has much in the way of ambition. His wife Linda, as a result of having landed a new job, temporarily wears the pants in the family, but we're almost led to wonder if she's been wearing them for a much longer period of time.
Jim isn't alpha male/superhero material, in other words, so that leaves plenty of room for him to grow as a character. That's great, but...does he REALLY change by script's end? I have my doubts. He's saved more by gadgetry and family teamwork than he is by his own virtues. And I think the reason the writers had to rely on this solution for his arc, is because they don't have a clearly defined, formidable antagonist to CHALLENGE Jim every step of the way and precipitate his growth. Chris Early illustrates this point quite well in his own critique; Nemesis hardly lives up to his namesake. He's barely a presence in the script until page 81 onwards. And like Jim, Nemesis seems equally directionless. Who is this guy, really, and why does he want to be a villain so badly?
Unlike Chris Early, I don't have a problem with the writers' reliance on stereotypes--cliques of snobby teenage girls, stoner guitarist boyfriends, butch middle school bullies, backstabbing coworkers, etc. This material isn't going to break any new ground with its characterization because it IS comic book material in the first place. So long as the character arcs are present and generally fulfilled, this script is on track to accomplish what it needs to. However, I would agree with Chris Early in that it makes little sense for Clark to show up at school with an array of superhero weapons as a peace offering to the bullies; instead, he ought to gain some confidence from his initial victory over them, or he ought to find a way to outsmart them when gadgetry alone no longer works.
I feel like the writers struggle when trying to juggle the various A, B and C storylines...probably because they made the wrong choice in elevating Linda's work storyline to A level status. I don't agree that Richard and Nemesis should be combined into a single character; instead, I think Linda's storyline needs to be downgraded altogether, while Jim's gradual ascendance to the realm of superhero needs to be fleshed out significantly.
This all goes back to the question, what would he (Jim) DO with those gadgets? What KINDS of choices would he make? Selfish ones at first, of course, but with the guiding (mentoring) presence of the computer to mitigate those choices. To a CERTAIN extent, the writers DO show Jim exploring his options...but not nearly enough so. THIS is the MEAT of the story...what kind of a man is Jim, ultimately? Is he man enough to step into a superhero's shoes? In the ultimate wish-fulfillment fantasy, the answer would be yes...but in the current draft, he's too amorphous, too undefined, to accomplish this task alone.
There is HUGE potential in this script, despite any misgivings outlined above. But in my humble opinion, it's going to take ripping out the guts of the current draft and reworking them to resemble a more archetypal battle of good versus evil...one in which the protagonist is a tarnished diamond in the rough, and the antagonist is as strong and as clever as the protagonist.
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
The story has a lot of potential, the characters could be more unique
The premise is definitely fun and has a lot of potential. It has good jokes and the story moves along nicely for the most part. The characterization is what I feel needs the most work. It´s not bad, it´s a well-portrayed typical middle class family, but maybe a little bit too typical, generic. The characters serve the premise and plot, but lack a bit more of their own personality traits.
For instance, I get that Jim comes off like kind of a loser and not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but maybe there could be a quirkier, more interesting side of him, like at one point he had what he thought was an amazing and unusual business idea or invention that failed horribly, which would make him at least a guy who´s had his dreams and ambitions and would be big ideas, and more sympathetic. It would also make it more ironic that he ended up replacing a superhero that was a Tony Stark type. That comparison, in fact, could be explored a lot in the story, like Jim thinking "this guy was everything cool I´m not". It can be shorter too.
For instance, I get that Jim comes off like kind of a loser and not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but maybe there could be a quirkier, more interesting side of him, like at one point he had what he thought was an amazing and unusual business idea or invention that failed horribly, which would make him at least a guy who´s had his dreams and ambitions and would be big ideas, and more sympathetic. It would also make it more ironic that he ended up replacing a superhero that was a Tony Stark type. That comparison, in fact, could be explored a lot in the story, like Jim thinking "this guy was everything cool I´m not". It can be shorter too.
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Nice family flick
How nice it is to find a decent family in the media! No excessively whiny or smart aleck kids; a father who is not more than simply competent, and a mother who has a successful career. This is a great "General audiences" script that can entertain adults as well as children.
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Cool new angle on the Hero genre
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Good family-friendly fun!
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Makes a great movie!
After having watched ‘Daddy Day Care’, I never imagined we would ever again have another dad story that wow. Well, surprisingly enough, I now find another wow dad story here on Amazon Studios.com and that is none other than ‘For Sale By Superhero Dad’. I commend the writer for this one because in spite of the fact that we already had a daddy movie in existence, ‘For Sale By Superhero Dad’ is sharply different in story. It’s unique, original, and has a compelling hook.
The structure is well paced, and the dialogue is just fine. I love the story’s conveyed lesson that, one should learn to sight out a way of making use of what they have so they can roll out of bad situation or trouble.
For Sale By Superhero Dad makes a great movie!
The structure is well paced, and the dialogue is just fine. I love the story’s conveyed lesson that, one should learn to sight out a way of making use of what they have so they can roll out of bad situation or trouble.
For Sale By Superhero Dad makes a great movie!
1
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Average Joe becomes a superhero
When I started reading this script I was pretty excited about what a great, fun read it could be, with an average Joe becoming a superhero and all the possible comedy that could ensue as he was learning to be a crime fighter, but then things fizzled and the screenplay, unfortunately, didn't live up to what I thought it would be.
It started out great with this battle between the Grim Avenger and Nemesis, except the fact that the detonation device not being able to be deactivated because of a slippery substance seemed a bit far fetched, perhaps that the substance could have made the detonation device malfunction and it couldn't be shut off, would have been better. (Also, wouldn't Nemesis have died in the explosion as well?)
Then you have the family moving into the Grim Avenger's home, which to be bought without seeing first seemed kind of weird, maybe they could have it bought it on ebay, and of course it was really easy to get into the Citadel, that really should have been harder to do.
But then the computer asked Jim to become the Grim Avenger rather than Jim asking the computer, Also the only reason why Jim became the Grim Avenger is because he wanted to drive the car, not a good reason to become a crime fighter.
He should have wanted to become the Grim Avenger, perhaps because he feels like a loser and whats to feel needed.
When I started reading this script I was pretty excited about what a great, fun read it could be, with an average Joe becoming a superhero and all the possible comedy that could ensue as he was learning to be a crime fighter, but then things fizzled and the screenplay didn't live up to what I thought it would be.
It started out great with this battle between the Grim Avenger and Nemesis, except the fact that the detonation device not being able to be deactivated because of a slippery substance seemed a bit far fetched, perhaps that the substance could have made the detonation device malfunction and it couldn't be shut off, would have been better. (Also, wouldn’t have Nemesis died in the explosion as well?)
Then you have the family moving into the Grim Avenger's home, which to be bought without seeing first seemed kind of weird, maybe they could have bought it on ebay.
But then the computer asked Jim to become the Grim Avenger rather than Jim asking the computer, and the only reason why Jim became the Grim Avenger is because he wanted to drive the car, not a compelling reason to become a crime fighter.
He should be proactive and wanted to become the Grim Avenger, perhaps because he felt like a loser and wanted to feel needed, and not just go with the flow.
Jim didn't seem to have to struggle enough to learn the skills he needed, which is where a lot of comedy could have taken place, making a much more entertaining and interesting movie.
Then his kids got involved and were using the Grim Avenger stuff to fight and manipulate bullies at school which seemed a little weird to me, because I would think that Jim would want to keep his identity a secret. Also to have his kids know that he is the Grim Avenger is one thing, but to have his kids taking Grim’s crime fighting stuff to school is another. Also nothing seemed to happen with them using the Grim Avenger's stuff at school. They never got into trouble, and nothing bad happened when Jim's son gave the Grim's weapons to the bullies to get them off his back, if fact nothing happened at all after he gave the stuff to them (at least that I could remember).
Nobody seemed to question, or be impressed, that Jim became the Grim Avenger. Also helping out his daughter by manipulating the guy into going out with his daughter with the spray and then helping his wife with the advertising campaign by doing the presentation with her boss seemed really weird to me, and then it got even more weird when he and Linda had the Grim advertising agency at the end of the movie. While technically it completed the film, it seemed miss fitting and out of place. A superhero having an advertising agency?
There were things that weren't explained, like how it seemed that Linda got her memory back after being sprayed with the amnesia spray without any explaination. Obviously we would deduct that the effects of the amnesia spray wears off, but this should be something that the characters discover. Also if the effects of the amnesia spray wear off, then when Robin sprays Nemesis with the amnesia spray and tells him how he's going to do goods from then on will only last for a little while until the spray wears off. (BTW Robin sprays herself with the amnesia spray just before she sprays Nemesis to forget everything, yet she still seemed to remember everything, otherwise she wouldn't know who Nemesis was, or that he was a bad guy.)
The dialogue needs some fine tuning, for instance the Wesco character kept referring to Linda as "project manager person" every time (not just once), which seemed strange to me, and the fact that Linda or Jim doesn't correct him at all, seems equally strange. If the idea is to make it seem like he doesn't care about knowing Linda's name, then it would be better if he would say the wrong name instead, i.e. Lisa, Lauren, Lynette, etc. However, even though he doesn’t care about Linda, shouldn’t he care to at least learn her name, and then maybe could get her name wrong here and there?
There are other dialogue issues that I won't go into, but in general the dialogue needs some fine tuning.
It seems that Nemesis learns a lot about Jim/Grim Avenger without showing his journey to discovering this information, and just shows up at Linda’s work, and then magically just gets into the Grim’s car seemingly effortlessly. The script is full of things like these that are not explained, nor is it easy to see how they could be explained, and there are many loose ends as well.
I’m not sure if a lot of the comedy would actually work out well on the big screen. It could go either way, though there are things that were written that were obviously just to try and make people laugh, like when Jim is wearing Linda’s robe and slippers, which I don’t think worked very well for Jim’s character.
I personally feel that he should have kept his identity a secret and then maybe help out his family here and there while fighting crime. Linda falls in love with the Grim Avenger (which happened for a little while) which drives Jim crazy with jealousy, and Jim contemplates whether he should reveal himself to Linda or not. until he revealed that he was the Grim Avenger.
On a side note, Just as an fyi there were some formatting issues. "--", and "....." should not be used at the beginning and end action lines, action lines should not be itemized, i., e., a., b., c., d. etc., and action lines describe what the audience would be seeing on the screen, and comments cannot be put in them (in fact comments cannot be put anywhere in a screenplay). Also the "--!", "--?", and "...!" should not be used on dialog to add emphasis.
It started out great with this battle between the Grim Avenger and Nemesis, except the fact that the detonation device not being able to be deactivated because of a slippery substance seemed a bit far fetched, perhaps that the substance could have made the detonation device malfunction and it couldn't be shut off, would have been better. (Also, wouldn't Nemesis have died in the explosion as well?)
Then you have the family moving into the Grim Avenger's home, which to be bought without seeing first seemed kind of weird, maybe they could have it bought it on ebay, and of course it was really easy to get into the Citadel, that really should have been harder to do.
But then the computer asked Jim to become the Grim Avenger rather than Jim asking the computer, Also the only reason why Jim became the Grim Avenger is because he wanted to drive the car, not a good reason to become a crime fighter.
He should have wanted to become the Grim Avenger, perhaps because he feels like a loser and whats to feel needed.
When I started reading this script I was pretty excited about what a great, fun read it could be, with an average Joe becoming a superhero and all the possible comedy that could ensue as he was learning to be a crime fighter, but then things fizzled and the screenplay didn't live up to what I thought it would be.
It started out great with this battle between the Grim Avenger and Nemesis, except the fact that the detonation device not being able to be deactivated because of a slippery substance seemed a bit far fetched, perhaps that the substance could have made the detonation device malfunction and it couldn't be shut off, would have been better. (Also, wouldn’t have Nemesis died in the explosion as well?)
Then you have the family moving into the Grim Avenger's home, which to be bought without seeing first seemed kind of weird, maybe they could have bought it on ebay.
But then the computer asked Jim to become the Grim Avenger rather than Jim asking the computer, and the only reason why Jim became the Grim Avenger is because he wanted to drive the car, not a compelling reason to become a crime fighter.
He should be proactive and wanted to become the Grim Avenger, perhaps because he felt like a loser and wanted to feel needed, and not just go with the flow.
Jim didn't seem to have to struggle enough to learn the skills he needed, which is where a lot of comedy could have taken place, making a much more entertaining and interesting movie.
Then his kids got involved and were using the Grim Avenger stuff to fight and manipulate bullies at school which seemed a little weird to me, because I would think that Jim would want to keep his identity a secret. Also to have his kids know that he is the Grim Avenger is one thing, but to have his kids taking Grim’s crime fighting stuff to school is another. Also nothing seemed to happen with them using the Grim Avenger's stuff at school. They never got into trouble, and nothing bad happened when Jim's son gave the Grim's weapons to the bullies to get them off his back, if fact nothing happened at all after he gave the stuff to them (at least that I could remember).
Nobody seemed to question, or be impressed, that Jim became the Grim Avenger. Also helping out his daughter by manipulating the guy into going out with his daughter with the spray and then helping his wife with the advertising campaign by doing the presentation with her boss seemed really weird to me, and then it got even more weird when he and Linda had the Grim advertising agency at the end of the movie. While technically it completed the film, it seemed miss fitting and out of place. A superhero having an advertising agency?
There were things that weren't explained, like how it seemed that Linda got her memory back after being sprayed with the amnesia spray without any explaination. Obviously we would deduct that the effects of the amnesia spray wears off, but this should be something that the characters discover. Also if the effects of the amnesia spray wear off, then when Robin sprays Nemesis with the amnesia spray and tells him how he's going to do goods from then on will only last for a little while until the spray wears off. (BTW Robin sprays herself with the amnesia spray just before she sprays Nemesis to forget everything, yet she still seemed to remember everything, otherwise she wouldn't know who Nemesis was, or that he was a bad guy.)
The dialogue needs some fine tuning, for instance the Wesco character kept referring to Linda as "project manager person" every time (not just once), which seemed strange to me, and the fact that Linda or Jim doesn't correct him at all, seems equally strange. If the idea is to make it seem like he doesn't care about knowing Linda's name, then it would be better if he would say the wrong name instead, i.e. Lisa, Lauren, Lynette, etc. However, even though he doesn’t care about Linda, shouldn’t he care to at least learn her name, and then maybe could get her name wrong here and there?
There are other dialogue issues that I won't go into, but in general the dialogue needs some fine tuning.
It seems that Nemesis learns a lot about Jim/Grim Avenger without showing his journey to discovering this information, and just shows up at Linda’s work, and then magically just gets into the Grim’s car seemingly effortlessly. The script is full of things like these that are not explained, nor is it easy to see how they could be explained, and there are many loose ends as well.
I’m not sure if a lot of the comedy would actually work out well on the big screen. It could go either way, though there are things that were written that were obviously just to try and make people laugh, like when Jim is wearing Linda’s robe and slippers, which I don’t think worked very well for Jim’s character.
I personally feel that he should have kept his identity a secret and then maybe help out his family here and there while fighting crime. Linda falls in love with the Grim Avenger (which happened for a little while) which drives Jim crazy with jealousy, and Jim contemplates whether he should reveal himself to Linda or not. until he revealed that he was the Grim Avenger.
On a side note, Just as an fyi there were some formatting issues. "--", and "....." should not be used at the beginning and end action lines, action lines should not be itemized, i., e., a., b., c., d. etc., and action lines describe what the audience would be seeing on the screen, and comments cannot be put in them (in fact comments cannot be put anywhere in a screenplay). Also the "--!", "--?", and "...!" should not be used on dialog to add emphasis.
0
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Polished family script with loads of laughs and entertainment value.
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Reviews for
Winner: Best Kids and Family Script
Finalist: Best Kids and Family Script
Semifinalist: Best Script, Best Kids and Family Script
Now, that said, I'm going to get really nitpicky. Please take that as a compliment. If this had been boring drivel, I wouldn't have invested the time it took to write these notes. But I see a winner here-- something I would take my kids to (and something I would enjoy as much as they did, which doesn't happen enough). But as I said above, your concept is amazing, and any nitpicks I have can be worked out. Your concept is your foundation, and it's rock solid.
As far as giving notes, I am the product of my former manager in Los Angeles. He was a meticulous note-taker who shared his every thought as he read my work. Sometimes his comments frustrated me, but ultimately, his honest notes always helped. With that in mind, here we go...
Let's start off with a few things I really liked:
Overall concept is great (yeah, I've already said it twice, but it bears repeating.)
Hapless dad is funny and likeable.
Love dad exploring the cool perks of living in a superhero’s house.
General description reads well and is entertaining.
Some of the gags are a riot. I love the scene on p. 39. Jim throws the flash bomb to vanish Batman-style, and when the smoke clears, he’s still there trying to figure out the lock. That generated a belly laugh!
Love the fact that Clark found the gauntlet and used it against bullies, but doesn’t he wonder where it came from?
On page 48, LOVE the scene where the computer is analyzing Cameron’s social networks. Very funny and relevant. This is something overprotective dads do, with or without a super computer (I should know--I'm the father of a 15 year-old girl).
Page 54: Like the moment in which Clark activates the glove and it leads him to the citadel. Very cool way to reveal the secret.
70’s: I like that Robin is abusing her “daughter of a superhero perks.” This is a nice touch.
Act III: The final battle is strong. It's everything I would want in an action-packed but family friendly showdown.
CONCERNS:
Certain things don’t add up: why would a family buy a house without looking at it? Why was it so easy to get into the secret citadel?
Too many school stereotypes: the droning teacher with a desk full of confiscated items, the “cool” guy, the mean girls. It seems tired. This is largely because I've been teaching for 15 years and I've never really seen behavior like this. Yes, there are mean girls, but I've never seen them swarm and emotionally destroy a kid on the first day (but please regard this as the complaint of someone who works in the education industry--I'm sure lawyers hate some things they see in even the best legal dramas, right?).
Where is the supervillain? Yes, Richard seems like a slimeball, but 30 pages in, the only real conflict is that Linda’s coworker is a jerk and the kids aren’t fitting in at school. Where’s the big villain that ties it all together? Where is the threat? I think we need at least a hint of a bigger threat by the end of act I.
The gag with the talking butt sales pitch doesn’t work. Why would Linda go through with that? Why wouldn’t she just clearly stop the presentation and explain that someone tampered with her work? Jim is the screwball, and she’s the no-nonsense better half. Actually trying to present the talking butts seems out of character, and the gag just generally feels out of place.
By page 40, I still don’t know who the real bad guy is. If it’s Richard, isn’t Jim’s confrontation with him on 38 premature?
47 pages to reintroduce Nemesis seems way too long. We’re nearly at the halfway point of the movie, and the main villain is just now showing up? I think we need to see something of him by the end of act I, which should be around page 30 or so.
Structurally, this doesn’t seem to work. You’ve already worked to establish Richard as the slimeball of the story—why not make him a supervillain? Maybe something happens that turns him into a villain (though that seems a bit cliché), or maybe he’s already a supervillain at the beginning of the story, and his secret identity just happens to be a slimy office worker. Just a thought.
Page 50: Not sure Jim, the likeable, caring dad, would want Cameron to ask his daughter out. The dude is a rocker who is playing in a club known for drugs (according to the computer). Yes, I get that Cameron eventually cleans up his act (thanks to the hypnosis), and I get that Jim is trying to boost his daughter’s self-esteem, but hooking her up with a loser seems to go against “dad code.” It seems that a protective father might take advantage of the hypnosis spray in some other manner. I really feel like this scene would work better if Cameron wasn’t such a jerk. Maybe instead of being the jerk, he’s just the all-American Adonis athlete that only dates the best-looking girl in the school (Think Jake in Sixteen Candles). That way, when dad hypnotizes him, he’s not exposing his daughter to a possible loser, but instead, he’s getting the superstar quarterback type that any dad would like to eventually call a son-in-law. It's win-win.
Page 56: With the kids bouncing around the secret citadel, why isn’t the computer intervening?
Page 58: I like that the kids find dad’s secret lair, but why would they start painting it and selling off his stuff? They are generally likable, good kids—this seems unnecessary and out of character (they suddenly come off as brats). I think you could streamline this simply by cutting from when they discover the entrance to them surprising dad with the knowledge that they’ve discovered the citadel. Pick up right with the kids saying that dad has some explaining to do…
Page 60: I’m concerned about the introduction of the conflict. The villain, Nemesis, has really only shown up for one fleeting moment, and so far the only conflicts are secondary family issues. We’re beyond the halfway point and there’s no real threat. I can see that it’s coming, but I think it should be more clearly defined by now.
Another concern: we’re more than halfway through the script before we see Jim take on any real crime. Jump back about 30 pages. What if, instead of Jim showing up at Linda’s presentation wearing the snowsuit, he didn’t show up at the dinner at all because he was dashing to the restaurant in his ridiculous costume, trying to come up with excuses for being dressed as a superhero, when someone needed his help. Maybe he has to do something simple, like get a cat out of a tree or stop a mugger? Even though he doesn’t know what he’s doing, his gadgets kick in and he accomplishes the task. And when he doesn’t show up for dinner and misses Linda’s presentation, that builds some tension between them. And at least then we’ve seen some crime fighting earlier on.
Page 66: Again, worried about structure. Here we are on page 66, and we’ve got the gag with mom and the amnesia spray. My thought is that we should be nearing act III soon, and this is as heavy-hitting as the problems get for Jim and his family. We’re still in the “we have superhero gadgets and we don’t know how to use them, so hilarity ensues” phase, which should probably be over by the time Jim really fights crime in the previous scene.
I really think the midpoint needs to be moved up (around 50 or so), and by the mid 60’s, things need to be in bad shape. There needs to be more threat and more conflict to spring us into Act III. Why hasn’t Nemesis attacked them yet? Maybe mom has lost her job and the family is going to lose the house? These characters have to hit a low point that pushes the action into the final act. Nemesis really needs to show up here and there-- maybe he spies on the family, posing as a teacher at the school?
The moment on page 72 is a good one (with mom landing the account because of the Grim Avenger), but that seems more like a sweet bookend moment for the end of the script. I think at this point, things should still be going wrong. As I said in my previous note, we need conflict. We need low points to push the characters forward. Saving her job at this point seems too early.
Page 80: Where’s Nemesis? We’re nearly 70% of the way through the script and the main villain—if he is the villain—hasn’t made much of a dent in this family’s happiness. There’s been a lot of fun stuff in this script, but overall, it’s 80 pages of episodic fun. Where’s the threat?
Page 81: Clark is a smart kid: why would he buy off the bullies with GA’s weapons when he could just WHOOP them with the same weapons? In fact, he already has. Why aren’t they afraid of him at this point? Maybe a good arc for Clark would be that when he whooped the bullies earlier on, he scared everyone—even the good kids. Now nobody wants to talk with him (kind of like when Peter Parker beat up Flash in Spiderman—people thought he was kind of a scary freak).
Page 83: Why doesn’t Jim just tell her who he really is?
85 on: I feel like act III works the way it should; I just feel there were some bumps in the road getting there. I think this script would benefit a lot by more of an interwoven thread of Nemesis throughout the second act, and I feel like you could trim this down to a tight 105 pages or so, with your midpoint (Jim fighting the thieves) right around page 50.
SUMMARY: Killer concept, but the structure is off. I don't necessarily think every script has to hit every beat of the 3 act structure paradigm perfectly, but I really feel like by midway through act II, things need to be going bad. I know it's a family flick, and I don't want it to get too dark, but conflict is what drives a story, and aside from some minor domestic issues that are easily fixed with GA's gadgets, the conflict doesn't really kick in until late in the script.
These are just my thoughts. All that said, thanks for writing this, and thanks for making a cool contribution to the world of family-friendly flicks. We need more good ones. Good luck with this project. Can't wait to see a few issues fixed so I can take my kids to a Saturday matinee!