1
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
An interesting story; but needs work
All in all Yesterday isn't a bad story. Aaron has good intentions but the majority o his problems come from what I feel is an unclear vision. It feels as if he has a lot of ideas but isn't clear on which ones he wants to use. Most of all he has a bit of trouble with who the story is really about. It switches from two different protagonist in a way that muddles up everything that is going on. I feel that he does have a good story on his hands, it just needs some polishing and fine tuning.
1
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Review of Yesterday (Draft One)
Hi Aaron:
I'll dive in.
READING NOTES FOR THE FIRST TEN PAGES:
p3 exit's/exits
p4 tilt Pop's head/tilt Pops's head
the goons knife/the goon's knife
p6 The driver exit's/The driver exits
FIRST TEN PAGES BRIEF REVIEW
I think there's a nice bit of dialogue, with Pops dying words on page six. This vibe reminds me of THE ROAD TO PERDITION.
By page ten, the assumption is that BOY grew up to become HIT MAN.
And while I understand a storyteller's innate desire to be mysterious and to organically delay revelations, it's the one area in screenwriting that I think organic-storytelling must be trumped by clarity.
So, if this boy is YOUNG HIT MAN, or whomever the name of the hero is, then it needs to be there at the character introduction.
As for character introductions themselves, I think that it's the one area in which we can cheat just a bit, to go beyond what is on the page, so that a reader has an idea of exactly what kind of person one is imagining.
At this point in the story, I've seen a pretty good hook, which could be developed into an excellent one, and a lack of clarity that could be cleaned up in revision.
Also, I'm not a great line-editor. I only mentioned a few typos here, but they concern me, because these type of mistakes hint at a confusion regarding possession. If you don't have a copy, get the classic THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE. It deals with basic rules of grammar in a clear and effective manner.
THE REST OF THE STORY
I never became fully engaged in this story because it felt like the same note was being struck over and over: Hit man tells a story about killing people. Neighbor tells a story about saving the hit man. Many people die. No love. No love expressed after page six.
And that may be realistic, but it isn't cinematic.
I'm a character-first storyteller.
I think this story has a chance to be broken-down and rebuilt with a focus on clarity.
I'd start by creating a new title, one much more specific and much more bizarre than YESTERDAY. That title may be okay for a bittersweet love story, something that evokes memories of the classic Beatles song, but it does nothing to set the tone for a story about a killer.
Maybe a new logline, one with a tight focus, should come before a new title, on second thought.
I have no idea what HIT MAN wants.
Was this a revenge story and I missed it?
Lack of clarity is never the fault of the reader, not even a lazy reader.
If this was a story about a child seeing his father murdered who grows up and gets revenge, I totally missed it.
If this wasn't that story after that pretty good hook, I think it should be.
This is going to take a page one revision, but the tone could be great. I'd watch THE ROAD TO PERDITION again if you haven't seen it recently. It was inspired by a graphic novel, and this could have that same dark feel and credibility with enough work.
Keep punching keys,
Paul
I'll dive in.
READING NOTES FOR THE FIRST TEN PAGES:
p3 exit's/exits
p4 tilt Pop's head/tilt Pops's head
the goons knife/the goon's knife
p6 The driver exit's/The driver exits
FIRST TEN PAGES BRIEF REVIEW
I think there's a nice bit of dialogue, with Pops dying words on page six. This vibe reminds me of THE ROAD TO PERDITION.
By page ten, the assumption is that BOY grew up to become HIT MAN.
And while I understand a storyteller's innate desire to be mysterious and to organically delay revelations, it's the one area in screenwriting that I think organic-storytelling must be trumped by clarity.
So, if this boy is YOUNG HIT MAN, or whomever the name of the hero is, then it needs to be there at the character introduction.
As for character introductions themselves, I think that it's the one area in which we can cheat just a bit, to go beyond what is on the page, so that a reader has an idea of exactly what kind of person one is imagining.
At this point in the story, I've seen a pretty good hook, which could be developed into an excellent one, and a lack of clarity that could be cleaned up in revision.
Also, I'm not a great line-editor. I only mentioned a few typos here, but they concern me, because these type of mistakes hint at a confusion regarding possession. If you don't have a copy, get the classic THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE. It deals with basic rules of grammar in a clear and effective manner.
THE REST OF THE STORY
I never became fully engaged in this story because it felt like the same note was being struck over and over: Hit man tells a story about killing people. Neighbor tells a story about saving the hit man. Many people die. No love. No love expressed after page six.
And that may be realistic, but it isn't cinematic.
I'm a character-first storyteller.
I think this story has a chance to be broken-down and rebuilt with a focus on clarity.
I'd start by creating a new title, one much more specific and much more bizarre than YESTERDAY. That title may be okay for a bittersweet love story, something that evokes memories of the classic Beatles song, but it does nothing to set the tone for a story about a killer.
Maybe a new logline, one with a tight focus, should come before a new title, on second thought.
I have no idea what HIT MAN wants.
Was this a revenge story and I missed it?
Lack of clarity is never the fault of the reader, not even a lazy reader.
If this was a story about a child seeing his father murdered who grows up and gets revenge, I totally missed it.
If this wasn't that story after that pretty good hook, I think it should be.
This is going to take a page one revision, but the tone could be great. I'd watch THE ROAD TO PERDITION again if you haven't seen it recently. It was inspired by a graphic novel, and this could have that same dark feel and credibility with enough work.
Keep punching keys,
Paul
0
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
I see what you're trying to do, but....
As mentioned in my review title, I see what you're trying to do, but it does need a lot of work. What kind of story was this?? What was the hit man trying to accomplish? I noticed how you were trying to keep the story going with the action and consistent gunfights, but this doesn't allow you any time to get to know the characters themselves. Who are they really? There wasn't much revealed about them. I didn't feel like I got to know them. I wasn't rooting for them to make it throughout the movie because I didn't know anything intimate about them really. What transformation did the hit man endure? Controlled pacing needs to be exercised. I think it's a good idea without an actual vision, but still has potential. Keep it up though, you can only get better....
0
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
i could not stop reading this. it's full of action and the fights are outstanding.
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