It was interesting. I enjoyed the read. You suffer from a habit I also have and that is using continuous tense and passive voice. :-)
Here are some notes I wrote as I read it:
Just getting started into the read. I see you use continuous tense and passive voice. We should strive to always use present tense and active voice. :-) "CALVIN and JEREMIAH, two pigeons wearing fedoras, standing at the mouth of the cave.
CALVIN is tall, awkward, and nervous-looking. He's scared to be here and of life in general, but determined to overcome himself."
I have to stay on this too long, probably a couple of minutes. "Calvin at an Elderly Woman NAGGING at her Husband. From her hand swings a LARGE RED PURSE. Calvin finally flies through the arc."
I don't understand the meaning, I give up and go on.
Several times action starts with a non sentence. Style? Maybe it is okay. I do get the meaning. "An endless line of stores. Bright colors. Flashing lights. Advertisements and kiosks."
I think I get the idea, but something seems wrong in the wording. "He looks over at the caged pigeons, the cage on a side table."
"As Calvin and Jeremiah barrel on towards the exit, the Shoppers shielding their heads with their arms."
Toward the end the pigeons really stretch the imagination with their power. :-)
I think the story would read a lot better if told in present tense, active voice, and strong action verbs.
The story might work better with people instead of birds. :-) It was a playful story and fun to read.
It was interesting. I enjoyed the read. You suffer from a habit I also have and that is using continuous tense and passive voice. :-)
Here are some notes I wrote as I read it:
Just getting started into the read. I see you use continuous tense and passive voice. We should strive to always use present tense and active voice. :-)
"CALVIN and JEREMIAH, two pigeons wearing fedoras, standing at the mouth of the cave.
CALVIN is tall, awkward, and nervous-looking. He's scared to be here and of life in general, but determined to overcome himself."
I have to stay on this too long, probably a couple of minutes.
"Calvin at an Elderly Woman NAGGING at her Husband. From her hand swings a LARGE RED PURSE. Calvin finally flies through the arc."
I don't understand the meaning, I give up and go on.
Several times action starts with a non sentence. Style? Maybe it is okay. I do get the meaning.
"An endless line of stores. Bright colors. Flashing lights. Advertisements and kiosks."
I think I get the idea, but something seems wrong in the wording.
"He looks over at the caged pigeons, the cage on a side table."
"As Calvin and Jeremiah barrel on towards the exit, the
Shoppers shielding their heads with their arms."
Toward the end the pigeons really stretch the imagination with their power. :-)
I think the story would read a lot better if told in present tense, active voice, and strong action verbs.
The story might work better with people instead of birds. :-) It was a playful story and fun to read.