All Reviews

This is a wonderful suspense/thriller. I particularly like the twist at the end, where it seems that the government has won, but Josh's allies are the ones to win in the end. The characters here are well developed and the dialouge is good. The premise of a tyrannical government controlling the public by issuing a fake death date is great. The damage that knowing the future does to the lives of the public is also shown, as some people stop trying to do things once they realize that they don't have much time left (supposedly).

Spoilers!

Hey, Tim! I read through your script just now, taking notes as I went. I hope some of this is helpful to you. The premise of your story is a great one and I really think that there's a damn cool movie in there somewhere even though I have a lot of criticisms and the star ratings aren't very high. I'll get on with it then!

My main complaint with the script is that it doesn't match the idea. Your idea is pure sci-fi, yet the script is an emotional drama. The fact that the death day is a hoax doesn't stop it being sci-fi. In fact, you should make it more sci-fi for that particular twist to be more effective. Essentially, the story is a fugitive-conspiracy thing. For a good idea of how to write a fugitive-conspiracy movie, there's no better film to study than The Fugitive with Harrison Ford. His wife is killed in the first scene. Within 10 minutes or so, Ford is escaping the train crash and on the run. That's how this movie should be. Another good movie to study is Enemy of the State. If you really study the structures of these films it will really improve the pacing of your script. Also, the premise of the film is "Someone doesn't die on their death day and they get caught in a conspiracy", but this doesn't happen until past halfway into the film. This needs to happen at the start, ideally in the first ten minutes. Then, for the rest of the film, Josh and Stormie are on the run and looking for answers. As it is, Josh has no goal other than to 'find himself' for the biggest part of the film. A hero needs a definite thing to aim for and finding himself is too vague. He can find himself in the process, but the goal should be something more concrete, like finding out the truth or evading capture. This turns the film into an action movie, but that's what your premise is for. You'll need to include more action of course, because the 'kids on the run' part of the film will now be much longer.

I think you should lose all of the emotional stuff from the first half of the script with Josh's family. None of it matters to the conspiracy. Also, the front end of the film is loaded with highly emotional scenes. At the start, we've not had a chance to get to know or like Josh yet. The most emotional stuff should always be near the end of a movie when we care about the character. Also, to make us care for the hero the most, lose all the scenes that don't have him in them. There are a lot of scenes with other characters talking about him. You can go to the bad guy a few times, but if you go to minor characters like the mum and dad too often the story will drag.

Josh isn't a great hero. In fact, I found him quite unlikable. He's incredibly selfish. He talks about having sex with hookers to a girl who, only moments ago, declared her love for him. He outright asks Stormie if she loves him after what seems like one night together. (If it's a longer period of time, you need to show that better because at the moment it reads as one night.) When she doesn't say she loves him he has a go at her for being a hooker. Also, while she's talking about her own death - surely the most upsetting topic for anyone - Josh is sat in front of his computer. He also leaves her alone on her last night, choosing to go back and check his voicemail on his computer. And, later, he wakes up on top of her? So he fell asleep on top of her while she was still alive, not even staying awake with her until she died? His logic also seems a bit off. He forgives Bob, saying he left Josh to give him a better life. Well, he didn't. He left because he was upset and a junkie. His parents were the ones who lied to him to make his short life more bearable. If anything, Josh should be forgiving them. The line about "You did what you did to make my life better" applies completely to his mum and dad and not at all to Bob. Found that very confusing.

Josh also needs to take more action. He doesn't do anything heroic until he stands up to that guy in the bar. Even that doesn't come across as heroic, more sulky. Overall, he just needs to push the story forward himself more - investigate more - and generally just be nicer to people who are nice to him and stop complaining about his situation so much.

I can't recommend using Facebook in a sci-fi movie. It dates the movie. It makes it very present-tense. It's too familiar as technology, I think. The only technological advances in the script seem to be in the form of cell phones. Put some extra ones in. They're always one of the most fun bits of sci-fi movies. Quick thing: having Stormie write a Facebook post saying "I'm alive!" on her brother's wall is a bit silly. She, or Josh, should realise immediately that something is wrong and that the government have lied to them and that the fact that she is alive is dangerous. The moment soon after that when someone knocks on the door and they jump out of the window is really daft, in my opinion. You've just reached the bit where they've realised they're in danger and they escape - that's ok - but then the cleaning lady walks in after they've run out. It makes them look very, very silly.

My only other gripe would be the spelling. There are quite a lot of mistakes in there. Some are typos, but most of them are incorrect usages of where/were, your/you're, and its/it's. It's still readable, but it makes it more like hard work. As a more practical thing, you say things in the descriptions sometimes that aren't clear in dialogue, eg. you say Jen is Josh's girlfriend in the script, but the viewer won't be able to tell. Just throw in a shot of them touching hands or something. That'll do it. A bigger problem was that characters seemed to gain information between scenes. Josh will talk about things that Stormie hasn't told him before and vice versa. Maybe if there were better ways of showing time passing between scenes, even something as simple as costume or weather changes, then it wouldn't be as distracting.

OK. That's a lot of criticisms, I know, but I thought if I was gonna do it then I might as well go full-on. I have rated your premise 5 stars, because that's exactly how good I think it is. If you really explore the idea more, set up some proper rules - can people be killed before their death day and if not then are they invincible before then; is it a biological thing that shows when the body will fail or is it magical and showing when someone might die in a car crash, etc? - then the sci-fi world will build itself. The military orphans idea is brilliant. If you come up with more ways in which this idea will change their world and make it different from ours, then you'll have a really interesting setting. Just as a few examples: Has the crime rate risen globally? People who know they're gonna die won't care about going to prison. Has it increased productivity? Do people work harder to get the things they want before they die? Do they work less? Do politicians not give a damn about working for a better future because they're gonna die before they see it?

OK! Last thing. How about Death Day as the title? It's shorter and catchier than Date of Death and all of your characters actually refer to it as a death day in the script. Just a thought.

I hope these suggestions are useful. Good luck with future versions. I reckon there's a cracking movie in here somewhere. All the best - Mart.

I admire your ability to write a complete story. That is a feat in and of itself.

Now, you need to focus on making it readable. specifically, tighten up the dialogue. and, avoid "telling" things rather than showing.

for example, don't just tell us "the phone is ringing." Make us hear the phone ringing. It is acceptable to write what you can see and hear in screenplays.

I like the premise up until the conspiracy theories. and, the Government chasing ordinary people in Costa Rica is not believable. I think the Government has better things to do.

Okay. Tim, I’m guessing this is your first script. Maybe I’m wrong, but there’s too much wrong with DATE of DEATH for me to be too far off.

The idea itself is smart. This is a story that has limitless potential with a little imagination applied. I’m not going to get into the storyline with the review because personally I wouldn’t know where to start it’s so out of whack. I’ll just tell you what I see and hope you understand nothing I say is meant to be mean spirited.

The most important part of any script is the first 10 pages. Somewhere in those first 10 lies the inciting incident. The nearest I find of the inciting incident is the “Death Ray” that doesn’t do its job and accusations of conspiracy evolve and the chase is on. This is needed in those first 10 pages not deep into the story as is. It could have been someone else number was up that Josh knew personally and that would be enough to tie him in somehow much earlier. Just a lot of things you could do with this one. What you’ve got with the way it is now is a chase script that starts way too late and is in many ways confusing.

Some things to work on:
Jessica is introduced in dialogue on page 1 w/o any description of character. All characters are introduced the first time in CAPPED letters and most with some sort description.
Sentences are left running together in too many places, (beginning page 1) to note.
There are misspelled words and left out punctuation marks throughout the script. The usage of the correct word is wrong in many spots. Example: your, should be you’re, etc.

My advice would be to read as many screenplays as you can that come from produced films. They are all over the internet and will give you a better idea of what your script should look like.

When I began writing I bought a paperback titled “How to Write a Selling Screenplay” by Christopher Keane. That one, or any like it, will spell everything out for you.

Again, a great idea that needs a big overhaul. Good luck with it!

Over all this was a great story. I too loved the twist at the end. I only have a couple of notes. Please feel free to take them or leave them.

1. Your dialog was good. However the reader needs to see more. You can actually add a lot more action. (Action can also be description of location) It doesn't have to me a lot. a look a glance even an emotion about something someone said or did or elaborate on the location and lighting. . You did have some emotion and that is something usually you only add into a script for the actor. However remember people are going to be reading this initially and we want to know what the characters think and feel. Granted that may change when the filming starts but now this is for the reader.

2. Emotionally this story hit me in a good way. I enjoyed it very much and initially didn't think I would. Especially the end.

3. I would also suggest if you have some friends who are willing to do a read through. You may find parts that don't necessarily work or you may be inspired to change something based on the script read. It is always a good thing to do a read through before you finalize your script. I have on many occasions found that something that worked in my head sounds different once others read through it in front of me. That is where we often time find the week links. I'm NOT insinuating that there are any just that you may find that tool helpful.

NOTE: During the script read you do not read just listen and observe. That way you can catch all the nuances and see it from the audience perspective.

It was a GREAT start and inspired story.

Go, Tim. Can't wait to see this in the theater, eating a big tub of buttered popcorn.