1
out of
1
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GREAT Dramedy - 4.5 stars if I could give it!
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
HOPE you FIND this ROM-COM as Rewarding as I did!
Finding Hope – by Michael Orick
I start this review with a very satisfied smile on my face. Likeable, quirky, lively Characters populate this charming, fun and flirtatious travel piece. I liked the pace and flow of Warren’s journey. Strong use of Dialogue.
SCRIPT STRUCTURE worked in all the right ways. Use of Flashbacks were all well placed and enhanced the overall story.
THEME was consistent, great job following the ROM-COM model.
Title is simple and hits the mark.
Its many surprises make reading this script a pleasure; however I do have a few suggestions/edits.
Page1:
ORIGINAL VERSION
WARREN (32), head cemented to his pillow, gropes for the
alarm clock, a tacky plastic dog-head with a pair of slippers
hanging from its mouth.
THWACK. His hand smacks against the canine's head, but the
barking continues. He pries his head from the pillow, squints
toward the floor.
SUGGESTED
ALARM CLOCK –- shaped like a tacky plastic dog-head with a pair of slippers hanging from its mouth –- seems to start BARKING --
HAND – gropes for the clock -- THWACK -- smacks the BARKING head, barking continues only louder -- up the arm to...
WARREN(32) head cemented to his pillow, pries his eyes open, squints at the floor.
ORIGINAL VERSION
In his bathrobe, Warren huddles under a flimsy umbrella in
the middle of the yard. Bracing against a cold, stinging
rain, he calls into the darkness.
SUGGESTED
Warren in slippers and bathrobe, huddles under a worthless umbrella in the dark, cold, stinging rain.
ORIGINAL
He shuffles back to the garage. Sleepy, soaked and shivering,
he holds the umbrella over BJ, escorts him to the middle of
the yard.
SUGGESTED
Now soaked, sleepy, shivering – Warren shuffles to the garage. The umbrella now over BJ; they walk into the grass.
Page 2:
ORIGINAL VERSION
Wrapped in a bath towel, Warren brushes his teeth in a steam
covered mirror. He peeks through the open door, calls to
Preston, toothpaste running down his chin.
SUGGESTED
STEAM COVERED MIRROR -- Warren brushes his teeth wrapped in a towel, toothpaste runs down his chin, peeks through open door calling out to Preston...
ORIGINAL
With a box of cereal wedged under his chin, Warren tucks a
wrinkled shirt into his suit pants, turns on a countertop TV
with his elbow, and hikes it to the fridge. A sudden grimace...
SUGGESTED
Warren works to tuck a wrinkled shirt into his suit pants with a box of cereal wedged under his chin, turns-on the countertop TV with an elbow, hikes-it to the fridge –- suddenly grimaces...
ORIGINAL
As he reaches to pry one of BJ's spiky chew toys from between
his toes, the cereal box slips from under his chin. POOF!
A wave of Fruit Loops washes across the tile floor.
SUGGESTED
BJ'S SPIKY CHEW TOY –- lodged between his TOES –
Warren starts to reach – cereal BOX slips –- SMACK –- BOX hits the –-
FRUIT LOOPS – explode across the tile floor.
PAGE 3:
ORIGINAL
PRESTON (CONT'D)
Good morning my little precious.
She hands BJ to Warren.
PRESTON (CONT'D)
(baby talk)
Tell daddy I wouldn't be caught dead
in that piece of crap.
SUGGESTED –- CUT (CONT’D)’s, always try to incorporate PARENTETICALs into an EXISTING ACTION LINE if possible, flows better and saves a lot of space. See also PAGES 5, .
PRESTON
Good morning my little precious.
She hands BJ to Warren, voice changes to baby-talk...
PRESTON
Tell daddy I wouldn't be caught dead
in that piece of crap.
Page 4:
ORIGINAL
WARREN
(under his breath)
God forbid.
SUGGESTION
WARREN
...god forbid...
SUGGESTION – take a look at and remove (CONT’D)s from script.
Would remove any EXCLAMATION POINT unless dialog’s being -- SCREAMED!!! –- it can bother readers. Only saying this one time.
WOULD REMOVE -- THWAP.
ORIGINAL
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
HELICOPTER BIRD'S-EYE VIEW
SUGGESTION
EXT. HELICOPTER VIEW OF HIGHWAY – MORNING
Page 7:
SUGGEST CUT ACTION LINE -- Warren opens the window. Cut any ACTION LINE unneeded to tell the story.
PAGE 8:
ORIGINAL
Next to the wilted plant, a framed photo of him and Preston
on the beach, smiling, wearing Hawaiian shirts.
SUGGESTED – I try to bring the most important things up first in ACTION LINES – as below...
FRAMED PHOTO -- Warren and Preston on the beach, smiling, wearing Hawaiian shirts, sits next to the wilted plant.
PAGE 9:
NICE IMAGE -- Floor, walls and ceiling splattered with vivid paint – an Andy Warhol acid trip.
ORIGINAL
Warren's father, HOWARD (65), bearded, long gray hair in a
ponytail, balances on a ladder,
SUGGESTED
HOWARD(65), bearded, long gray hair in a ponytail and Warren's father, balances on a ladder,
SUGGEST CUT -- (filtered, phone)
NO CAPITAL – Noon
PAGE 10:
SUGGEST (O.S.) as shown below...
WARREN(O.S.)
See you Monday.
PAGE 11:
SUGGEST change KITCHEN to HOUSE, this will allow you to use HALLWAY later.
INT. WARREN'S KITCHEN – DAY
NICE DIALOG LINE: CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR!
SUGGEST CUT – GRRRRR
WHAT-A VISUAL: Leather studded dildo harness strapped to her waist, Mady jumps out of bed, snatches her clothes off the floor and bolts from the room.
GREAT LINE: What? You never noticed how she
stared at your sister?
PAGE 13:
TYPO – maybe
I know, but may be that's exactly
what you need... a fresh start.
PAGES 13 & 14:
ORIGINAL
HOWARD
Sorry about your room.
He nods across the room.
HOWARD (CONT'D)
They take up a lot of space.
SUGGESTED
HOWARD
Sorry about your room.
(off room)
They take up a lot of space.
SUGGEST CHANGE CONTINUOUS below to MOMENTS LATER --
INT. HOWARD'S KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
PAGE 15:
NICE LINE: Mortality kicks you in the ass that way.
PAGE 21:
SUGGEST CUT: INT. BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS -- not needed after BACK TO SCENE.
PAGE 22:
NICE LINE: This is what it's all about Warren, livin' on the edge.
SUGGEST REPLACING – CUT TO BLACK & BACK TO SCENE -- at the bottom with the TRANSITION –- FADE TO BLACK
PAGE 23:
VERY NICE LINE: Okay, but you better keep your hands to yourself.
PAGE 24:
NICE LINE: To love and cardboard.
PAGE 28:
SUGGEST CUT: (through phone)
PAGE 31:
Foreigner –- always a good choice.
PAGE 32:
Great TWIST -- This car's been reported stolen.
PAGE 33:
NICE -- The Old Woman in the Buick blows by, shoves her arm out the window and gives Warren the finger.
PAGE 38:
POSSIBLE MIX UP with CHARACTER HEADINGS for SYLVIA and SLENDER WOMAN.
SUGGEST CHANGE: INT. OFFICE – DAY to INT. OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
PAGE 39:
TYPO – COMBINE THESE TWO DAILOG ENTRIES:
SYLVIA/SLENDER WOMAN
I guess you could say that.
SYLVIA
Yeah, they're kinda my specialty.
PAGE 40:
NICE: Listen to your friend. Go find her.
PAGE 41:
SUGGEST CUT -- BACK TO SCENE – let INSERT flow into next scene.
PAGE 43:
Very NICE Interruption!
PAGE 54:
NICE DESCRIPTION: JUBILEE (19), a pale imp, sits across from Warren, ogling him with slightly off kilter eyes.
PAGE 62:
NICE: What? You think it rots and falls off after eighty?
PAGE 68:
SUGGEST CUT -- (through phone)
PAGE 72:
NICE -- Um... Santa's doctor says I need to watch my cholesterol or I could have a heart attack.
PAGE 76:
TYPO: bust ticket
Page 84:
NICE: You know, the last time you asked me that, I was about to lose it on a rollercoaster.
PAGE 93:
FOUND THIS ACTION LINE UNCLEAR: He takes off.
PAGE 96:
SUGGEST CUT -- (through PA speaker)
VERY NICE ENDING!
Overall this script could become a very entertaining film that I’d enjoy seeing.
Great work and Good Luck,
Patrick McConnell
generasp@yahoo.com
I start this review with a very satisfied smile on my face. Likeable, quirky, lively Characters populate this charming, fun and flirtatious travel piece. I liked the pace and flow of Warren’s journey. Strong use of Dialogue.
SCRIPT STRUCTURE worked in all the right ways. Use of Flashbacks were all well placed and enhanced the overall story.
THEME was consistent, great job following the ROM-COM model.
Title is simple and hits the mark.
Its many surprises make reading this script a pleasure; however I do have a few suggestions/edits.
Page1:
ORIGINAL VERSION
WARREN (32), head cemented to his pillow, gropes for the
alarm clock, a tacky plastic dog-head with a pair of slippers
hanging from its mouth.
THWACK. His hand smacks against the canine's head, but the
barking continues. He pries his head from the pillow, squints
toward the floor.
SUGGESTED
ALARM CLOCK –- shaped like a tacky plastic dog-head with a pair of slippers hanging from its mouth –- seems to start BARKING --
HAND – gropes for the clock -- THWACK -- smacks the BARKING head, barking continues only louder -- up the arm to...
WARREN(32) head cemented to his pillow, pries his eyes open, squints at the floor.
ORIGINAL VERSION
In his bathrobe, Warren huddles under a flimsy umbrella in
the middle of the yard. Bracing against a cold, stinging
rain, he calls into the darkness.
SUGGESTED
Warren in slippers and bathrobe, huddles under a worthless umbrella in the dark, cold, stinging rain.
ORIGINAL
He shuffles back to the garage. Sleepy, soaked and shivering,
he holds the umbrella over BJ, escorts him to the middle of
the yard.
SUGGESTED
Now soaked, sleepy, shivering – Warren shuffles to the garage. The umbrella now over BJ; they walk into the grass.
Page 2:
ORIGINAL VERSION
Wrapped in a bath towel, Warren brushes his teeth in a steam
covered mirror. He peeks through the open door, calls to
Preston, toothpaste running down his chin.
SUGGESTED
STEAM COVERED MIRROR -- Warren brushes his teeth wrapped in a towel, toothpaste runs down his chin, peeks through open door calling out to Preston...
ORIGINAL
With a box of cereal wedged under his chin, Warren tucks a
wrinkled shirt into his suit pants, turns on a countertop TV
with his elbow, and hikes it to the fridge. A sudden grimace...
SUGGESTED
Warren works to tuck a wrinkled shirt into his suit pants with a box of cereal wedged under his chin, turns-on the countertop TV with an elbow, hikes-it to the fridge –- suddenly grimaces...
ORIGINAL
As he reaches to pry one of BJ's spiky chew toys from between
his toes, the cereal box slips from under his chin. POOF!
A wave of Fruit Loops washes across the tile floor.
SUGGESTED
BJ'S SPIKY CHEW TOY –- lodged between his TOES –
Warren starts to reach – cereal BOX slips –- SMACK –- BOX hits the –-
FRUIT LOOPS – explode across the tile floor.
PAGE 3:
ORIGINAL
PRESTON (CONT'D)
Good morning my little precious.
She hands BJ to Warren.
PRESTON (CONT'D)
(baby talk)
Tell daddy I wouldn't be caught dead
in that piece of crap.
SUGGESTED –- CUT (CONT’D)’s, always try to incorporate PARENTETICALs into an EXISTING ACTION LINE if possible, flows better and saves a lot of space. See also PAGES 5, .
PRESTON
Good morning my little precious.
She hands BJ to Warren, voice changes to baby-talk...
PRESTON
Tell daddy I wouldn't be caught dead
in that piece of crap.
Page 4:
ORIGINAL
WARREN
(under his breath)
God forbid.
SUGGESTION
WARREN
...god forbid...
SUGGESTION – take a look at and remove (CONT’D)s from script.
Would remove any EXCLAMATION POINT unless dialog’s being -- SCREAMED!!! –- it can bother readers. Only saying this one time.
WOULD REMOVE -- THWAP.
ORIGINAL
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
HELICOPTER BIRD'S-EYE VIEW
SUGGESTION
EXT. HELICOPTER VIEW OF HIGHWAY – MORNING
Page 7:
SUGGEST CUT ACTION LINE -- Warren opens the window. Cut any ACTION LINE unneeded to tell the story.
PAGE 8:
ORIGINAL
Next to the wilted plant, a framed photo of him and Preston
on the beach, smiling, wearing Hawaiian shirts.
SUGGESTED – I try to bring the most important things up first in ACTION LINES – as below...
FRAMED PHOTO -- Warren and Preston on the beach, smiling, wearing Hawaiian shirts, sits next to the wilted plant.
PAGE 9:
NICE IMAGE -- Floor, walls and ceiling splattered with vivid paint – an Andy Warhol acid trip.
ORIGINAL
Warren's father, HOWARD (65), bearded, long gray hair in a
ponytail, balances on a ladder,
SUGGESTED
HOWARD(65), bearded, long gray hair in a ponytail and Warren's father, balances on a ladder,
SUGGEST CUT -- (filtered, phone)
NO CAPITAL – Noon
PAGE 10:
SUGGEST (O.S.) as shown below...
WARREN(O.S.)
See you Monday.
PAGE 11:
SUGGEST change KITCHEN to HOUSE, this will allow you to use HALLWAY later.
INT. WARREN'S KITCHEN – DAY
NICE DIALOG LINE: CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR!
SUGGEST CUT – GRRRRR
WHAT-A VISUAL: Leather studded dildo harness strapped to her waist, Mady jumps out of bed, snatches her clothes off the floor and bolts from the room.
GREAT LINE: What? You never noticed how she
stared at your sister?
PAGE 13:
TYPO – maybe
I know, but may be that's exactly
what you need... a fresh start.
PAGES 13 & 14:
ORIGINAL
HOWARD
Sorry about your room.
He nods across the room.
HOWARD (CONT'D)
They take up a lot of space.
SUGGESTED
HOWARD
Sorry about your room.
(off room)
They take up a lot of space.
SUGGEST CHANGE CONTINUOUS below to MOMENTS LATER --
INT. HOWARD'S KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
PAGE 15:
NICE LINE: Mortality kicks you in the ass that way.
PAGE 21:
SUGGEST CUT: INT. BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS -- not needed after BACK TO SCENE.
PAGE 22:
NICE LINE: This is what it's all about Warren, livin' on the edge.
SUGGEST REPLACING – CUT TO BLACK & BACK TO SCENE -- at the bottom with the TRANSITION –- FADE TO BLACK
PAGE 23:
VERY NICE LINE: Okay, but you better keep your hands to yourself.
PAGE 24:
NICE LINE: To love and cardboard.
PAGE 28:
SUGGEST CUT: (through phone)
PAGE 31:
Foreigner –- always a good choice.
PAGE 32:
Great TWIST -- This car's been reported stolen.
PAGE 33:
NICE -- The Old Woman in the Buick blows by, shoves her arm out the window and gives Warren the finger.
PAGE 38:
POSSIBLE MIX UP with CHARACTER HEADINGS for SYLVIA and SLENDER WOMAN.
SUGGEST CHANGE: INT. OFFICE – DAY to INT. OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
PAGE 39:
TYPO – COMBINE THESE TWO DAILOG ENTRIES:
SYLVIA/SLENDER WOMAN
I guess you could say that.
SYLVIA
Yeah, they're kinda my specialty.
PAGE 40:
NICE: Listen to your friend. Go find her.
PAGE 41:
SUGGEST CUT -- BACK TO SCENE – let INSERT flow into next scene.
PAGE 43:
Very NICE Interruption!
PAGE 54:
NICE DESCRIPTION: JUBILEE (19), a pale imp, sits across from Warren, ogling him with slightly off kilter eyes.
PAGE 62:
NICE: What? You think it rots and falls off after eighty?
PAGE 68:
SUGGEST CUT -- (through phone)
PAGE 72:
NICE -- Um... Santa's doctor says I need to watch my cholesterol or I could have a heart attack.
PAGE 76:
TYPO: bust ticket
Page 84:
NICE: You know, the last time you asked me that, I was about to lose it on a rollercoaster.
PAGE 93:
FOUND THIS ACTION LINE UNCLEAR: He takes off.
PAGE 96:
SUGGEST CUT -- (through PA speaker)
VERY NICE ENDING!
Overall this script could become a very entertaining film that I’d enjoy seeing.
Great work and Good Luck,
Patrick McConnell
generasp@yahoo.com
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PREMISE: Great premise. The logline is a strong logline.
STORY STRUCTURE: George and Michael have done a fine job of setting up the action in ACT 1, following through in ACT 2 and pulling the story together in ACT 3. I love the ending, btw. Totally unexpected in how it played out - loved how it felt. Just made me feel good.
CHARACTERS: Very good characters. I honestly think this is where this script shines. Great characters who follow through on their motivations well.
DIALOGUE: I think that overall the dialogue is very good. Very few "on the nose" moments...in fact I can't remember one line off the top of my head. The only suggestion I have for this is to have every sequence (the time with the Southerners, the time at the old folk's home, etc.) have a gut-busting gag or dialogue sequence. Though the dialogue is funny, very funny in a lot of places, I personally think that adding some Farrelly brothers moments to this script would take it to the next level (5-stars).
EMOTION: This film just makes you feel good. It is a feel-good script and, honestly, I can see this being a movie tomorrow. Hollywood take note of these writers.
Chazz