All Reviews

Better than the original draft. It seems to blend in some of Clutch's draft as well. The problem is that it kept most of the biggest flaws of the original.

In trying to give the secondary characters purpose and something to do they end up being much more active than the protagonist Owen. His friend has to talk him into going to Ohio. His friend calculates her areas of frequency (which if Owen is worth his salt as a stalker would be able to figure out much faster than Rishi and 4square). His friends figure out how to get a car. His friends decide to blast his info on facebook for help. His friends do the driving. His friends figure out how to accept D'Mario's friendship with a fake profile. His friends do most of the fighting and take most of the beatings. His friends sacrifice their time and bodies and possessions. When Owen wants to end the quest they convince him to continue. Does Owen do anything or sacrifice anything to reach his goal? Very very little till the very end. And you screw the story with Owen's climactic choice. Owen's choice is friends or girl. You've painted yourself into a corner. You want him to learn that real life with friends is better than the virtual world so he chooses friends. But, if he chooses friends, then you say to the audience - yeah, you thought Jessica meant more to Owen than anything in the world and that's why he has to save her, but no, actually if it comes down to it, he'll choose friends over her. How can me make that choice after all he's been through to get to her? He knows she WILL NOT be okay with a sociopath who is not above murder.

Just get rid of the racist train scene and mugger. There's no point to it. I know that it was just written as "haha look at the white people that are now surrounded by blacks on a train". That's a discomfort that a lot of people can identify with. The problem is that's what it ALWAYS feels like for a minority. White people just don't know because they are usually the ones in the majority. It also says that lots of blacks = danger or bad neighborhood. Maybe true in certain areas, but highlighting it is going to get you a lot of flack. And then you follow that scene with a twist mugger. Problem is it twists toward the stereotype. You're saying that even a black, hard-working, polite, father will also turn out to be a mugger. The joke only works the other way around. And it's not like you need the scenes. It's so low stakes. They get escorted to their destination for 12 bucks and a kroger card and not so much as a bitch slap. That's not an obstacle. And then it doesn't help that the bad guy masquerades as a black gangsta rapper as if that's the scariest thing he can think of to scare Owen. How about Yakuza? Mafia? Russian Mob?

Bad Guy: Everyone that works for him seems to know he's a scum bag. Why would Jessica date and then get engaged to him? If he's willing to kill Owen to keep Jessica then why not just kill Owen? Why stage an elaborate farce that involves hookers and photoshopping? Why not just shoot him? He's not above kidnapping. Take her to another country on a private jet and keep her prisoner forever. Apparently his thugs have no problem shooting up a public place with hundreds of witnesses, so why tip-toe around Owen as if they're threatened by a slacker white boy that never leaves home? Why spend money on thugs with guns and then leave a weak nerd to defend the final area? Why lock Jessica in her dream location? Owen seems to know she's going to be in the barn loft, but that only makes sense if she runs there to escape the bad guy. Otherwise why would the bad guy keep her there? And why would Owen know the bad guy would keep her there?

The love triangle with MoBu is interesting but kills the premise. The premise is that you can truly fall in love over the internet and know them deeply even if you haven't met. But when you say, that's only true for Owen and not for MoBu then it seems random. Why is Owen's love real but MoBu's is not? How can she just move on to Rishi but Owen can't give up on Jessica? Obviously MoBu is willing to die for Owen. She puts herself in repeated danger just to save Owen on his quest for another girl. When you say her love isn't good enough to get what she wants but a much less active character like Owen does get what he wants then it dilutes the concept of that love.

Jeff Pants is interesting but completely superfluous. Is Owen such a great guy that he has not one, not two, but THREE people from the internet that are willing to die for him and follow him on this insane quest? I haven't seen any indication that he's such a great guy. In fact, he seems like a loser. He can't put his own self pity aside for two minutes to help Rishi land Avery in the beginning, but Rishi puts his life in danger to help Owen land his girl. Great guy, that Owen. Jeff Pants adds nothing plot wise. He doesn't contribute to the main character's emotional growth (if Owen even has any). I like him but it'd be a cleaner script without him.

Jessica is a huge problem. Why does she reach out to Owen instead of all her other, more local, friends and relatives? Is it because she kind of loves him? If she kind of loves him, would she really get engaged to a thug? If she doesn't love Owen because she doesn't really know him yet, are we supposed to believe that she then starts loving him at first sight? If so, then I fail to see why Owen is so loveable. And, again, you screw MoBu by saying Owen is worthy but she's not. Jessica works two jobs (daycare and for the bad guy) but still has time to do farmville and facebook? When you say that Jessica would not only date but get engaged to a sociopath, you are saying a lot about the girl herself. There's really no explanation why Owen loves her so much (and even less why she's love Owen)

i had finished watching the test movie so I figured it'd be worth to read the script. It was funny but i couldn't get your actors faces out of my head.

i soon realized this wasn't the exact story from the movie, but then I realized I downloaded the newest version and I must say... I loved it. The strengths remained. Rishi and Jeff Pants carried most of the laughs. It was pretty funny to see what changed and what stayed the same.

I thought your trip was a lot more interesting and could open up a lot of possibilities. Putting it in Chicago and using the sites was pretty interesting. I'm sure LA could be better used if it was chosen to be filmed there.

A couple of the moments that bothered me in the movie weren't here so I don't know if they were in the old draft or not. The bad guys took much more of a back seat which I thought allowed for more fun moments for the characters. You could feel them becoming friends. The danger escalated more smoothly and I think this helped tension.

Now the big change. The villain. I loved it. The big black music producer replaced by a nerdier nerd. His master plan was hilarious and it fit.

Congratulations on this and the movie's success. I'm convinced I'll see it on screen on day.

I think it's a fun premise. There are a lot of good ideas here. I love the prostitute and The Library as bar. A lot of the dialogue is good. And In a way the structure is good at least it flows quickly.

In a more fine grained way however the first act seems a bit rushed and I felt I needed to know more about MOBU. Actually I think if you included a Mobu arc early the first act would be golden.

The second act...I'm torn. I think the thriller take could be really cool but I also think the Amazon notes were good; a quirky road trip romantic comedy could be a lot of fun. Reviewing what's written, the thriller: I think it flows quickly but I think the thugs at the Bumblebee are a giveaway that the Dreamz encounter is a sham. I think if they miss them at the internet cafe...perhaps because they are changing diapers...you could increase tension without giving D'Mario's nature away.

Also by the time we reach Bumblebee I was disappointed that there wasn't more interaction between Owen and Mobu, the road seems a good time for them to get better acquainted. I know she's a woman of few words but if you want MoBu as a credible competition for Jessica, then I think MoBu has to be more interactive, earlier.

Also about the Journey: I think the hotspots can be revealed in a different way to better effect. Yes there is clarity in offering them like you did but it would build tension if they found out the hotspots on the road.


I think I should also say that I'm planning on submitting a rewrite proposal, one of the many who will, but I do think your original is a cool. Good luck with whatever else you're working on.

The protagonist Owen needs to be stronger. A crystal clear change/realization should be noticeable in his character at the end. It felt like he was the character that changed the least over the course of the story.

The antagonist should also be stronger and smarter. Instead, he appears stupid with little to no credibility as a vicious threat. Jessica explains his character flaws in the dialogue near the end. Viewers should already know Brice's flaws, thereby removing the need to explain them hastily at the film's climax. This is why deeper character development is needed here.

The finale scene at the barn felt a bit contrived. I believe the stakes could be set higher. The risk/reward should be clearer. It's probably not a good idea to force Owen to choose between his dream girl and friends. The villain should seem like an insurmountable force.. and finally reaching his realization, Owen should have to overcome this once and for all.

There are parts of the script that feel muddled. I wasn't a fan of numerous consecutive scenes with the same characters at the same location. It felt like it was running together with no clear start or finish. There are certain illogical sequences (like throwing an SUV backseat out through a sunroof ?) that seem to suspend belief far too much for me.

Jessica needs to be more relevant. As stated before, the stakes need to be higher. I need to care about her well-being a LOT more. While there was a lot of excitement in this story, I found myself caring more about MoBu, Rishi, and Jeff than I did about Owen or Jessica. I ended up feeling below average concern for Jessica at best.

My favorite characters were Morbid Bunny (Hailey) and Rishi. I felt strongly about them. I think they bring the most to the table in this draft. There's a lot of promise in this story. I really want to see this developed further and put on the silver screen. I think it could be an exciting and intriguing film!

I thought this was a pretty great take on the world of social media. I got some good laughs early and liked the insightful play on the face book universe. The ending let me down unfortunately, it was almost like a car running out of gas and sputtering to a stop. The characters are good but I would have liked to know more about Jessica and MB3 could use a some work. MB3 could have more physicality and that tension of tactile interaction with the guys, who probably only touch themselves, could be fun. I was seriously liking this script till the last quarter when it seemed to peter out and die at the end. So I would say keep massaging that plot and come up with a stronger ending and you will have a good film. I will be looking for another draft and think this script has major potential.

I first read about this project a while ago and given the age that we're in of internet relationships and friendships, a project like this is due. The script itself was fun, engaging and pretty clever.

‘I Think My Face Book Friend Is Dead’ is amazing, because of the title, one would think it’s simply an internet social network topical tragedy story. They may not think ‘I Think My Face Book Friend Is Dead’ is adventurous and comic. Well it’s amazing the story is so. ‘I Think My Face Book Friend Is Dead’ being genre attributed as a comedy, action and adventure, combines those elements thereby being of a compelling hook story. The internet social network topical elements plus the story plot make the story concept of ‘I Think My Face Book Friend Is Dead’ unique and prove it original.

I so much appreciate the screenplay’s excellent coverage of its topical internet social network world; this makes it possible for ‘I Think My Face Book Friend Is Dead’ to become a dot-com generation hit! The outside world involvement in the story besides the internet social network environment was as well a clever move as it adds a zest to the plot. This makes a wow movie!

The dialogue, characters, screenplay elements placement and alignment, plus story structure pacing are a wow.

‘I Think My Face Book Friend Is Dead’ is a dot-com generation movie hit to-be! A great work salute to the writers: Clint Clark & Donnie Clark!

I liked the premise. It was definitely unique. I enjoyed most of the characters, except for maybe Jeff Pants who didn't feel all that well-developed. It could have used a few more jokes, but overall I enjoyed it and can see the potential in it.

I think you've got a potential hit on your hands. Funny stuff and it strikes a very modern chord in the hearts of Facebook's enormous appeal. This rewrite adds some nice pieces to it and I think it may be getting closer to the real deal. Great, believable dialogue and thoroughly entertaining characters.

I think this could be a good premise for a Judd Apatow movie or something like that. Don't be afraid to push the humour to 21 Jump Street levels!