First surprise: that this is the first review of this script posted. It's good enough to warrant much more attention on Amazon Studios.
One of the best reads I've had - both of scripts I've reviewed and others I've read.
In the first few pages I was drawn in and though you might need to make some small amendments to the structure, the pace was just right, the characters well drawn and the story engaging.
You have a very simple writing style that I found very engaging.
I think you have an excellent skill in designing and developing your characters and while some of the dialogue (a very small percentage) was a little hammy in places, for the most part it was spot on.
To begin with, I did worry that you were introducing one too many characters - it was a little like the intro to an episode of the 1980s sitcom 'Soap' - with the Tag Line: "Confused? You won't be, after this week's episode of Soap." I even found myself humming the Soap tune (I kid you not). However, by the end, it was clear how they all fitted into the story so I don't really have an issue with this.
The main characters all have good back stories and the whole screenplay fizzes with emotion. It has that sort of dark comedy that is compelling but you cringe a little at the same time. I was glad that Bill got his comeuppance at the end and it would have been nice not to be able to guess exactly, twenty pages from the end, about Evelyn's fate - could you keep us guessing just a little longer. I quite liked the character of Sandra (the first Sandra) and it was a shame she departed so early. I think you could also bring the character of Opal into the latter part of the story - she's a great character and apart from the spitting incident, I didn't really feel her story was resolved. I wanted to know what happened to her and her mother and tha bastard boyfriend of the mother. Did he get reported for example?
I don't really have much more to say other than some description, particularly in the dramatic ending, is a bit too blunt - 'He dies' etc but that's an easy fix.
I wish you the best of luck with this -- it certainly deserves more reviews and more attention.
One of the best reads I've had - both of scripts I've reviewed and others I've read.
In the first few pages I was drawn in and though you might need to make some small amendments to the structure, the pace was just right, the characters well drawn and the story engaging.
You have a very simple writing style that I found very engaging.
I think you have an excellent skill in designing and developing your characters and while some of the dialogue (a very small percentage) was a little hammy in places, for the most part it was spot on.
To begin with, I did worry that you were introducing one too many characters - it was a little like the intro to an episode of the 1980s sitcom 'Soap' - with the Tag Line: "Confused? You won't be, after this week's episode of Soap." I even found myself humming the Soap tune (I kid you not). However, by the end, it was clear how they all fitted into the story so I don't really have an issue with this.
The main characters all have good back stories and the whole screenplay fizzes with emotion. It has that sort of dark comedy that is compelling but you cringe a little at the same time. I was glad that Bill got his comeuppance at the end and it would have been nice not to be able to guess exactly, twenty pages from the end, about Evelyn's fate - could you keep us guessing just a little longer. I quite liked the character of Sandra (the first Sandra) and it was a shame she departed so early. I think you could also bring the character of Opal into the latter part of the story - she's a great character and apart from the spitting incident, I didn't really feel her story was resolved. I wanted to know what happened to her and her mother and tha bastard boyfriend of the mother. Did he get reported for example?
I don't really have much more to say other than some description, particularly in the dramatic ending, is a bit too blunt - 'He dies' etc but that's an easy fix.
I wish you the best of luck with this -- it certainly deserves more reviews and more attention.