1
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1
people found the following review helpful:
Between strange creatures and a lovely girl
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Interesting Twist On Gothic Horror, Needs Work
Over all:
The story has some interesting moments, and the attention to detail is impressive - except there's too much detail. All the subtleties and nuances are fine for a novel, but not right for scipt structure. You have to thin the herd of description to the minimum, and get on with the story. A script never wants to stop the reader's eye from moving to the next piece of information. Every sentence is a speed bump, even in the best of scripts. So only include the vital information in a scene description. If you reduce the amount of description to the bare essentials, to three lines or less, you'll probably cut 10-15 pages out of the script.
I think more attention needs to be paid to the overall script format, especially when Mister and Merrin are in and around the cabins and buildings in the Burrow. Because of the level of description, it was a bit confusing at times as to what setting they were in.
The plot needs some work. There needs to be better cohesion to the overall arc of the story. For instance, I never bought that Richards would agree to the whole idea of fostering an army of the undead. That in itself seemed preposterous, even for a horror-fantasy tale like this one. And I never understood what he was going to do with the legion of ghouls after the war. Open a Civil War era Wal-Mart? It didn't make sense, and bugged me for the rest of the script. Same goes for the soldiers who blindly go along with this insane idea. NONE of them would have a problem with walking among these creatures? You have to raise the believability factor.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What worked:
While there is far too much detail, there's a definite feel for the time period. It was easy to imagine the settings, buildings, people and creatures. The early scene with the ghost-woman was well done, if not a tad predictable. But it worked.
The Mister-Yates connection is a good twist. I like the uncertainy of what their relationship is at first. It gets a little predictable towards the end of the story, tho.
I liked how the connection between Mister and Merrin that grew as the story went on. He respected her, and it showed. She should be a little more freaked out by the creatures, in my opinion. She has to be tough and strong willed, as you've written her for the most part. But she's so young, it only makes sense that she'd be panicked around these horrible things.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What didn't:
There's an inconsistency to the tone of the story. There's the horror aspect, which is handled fairly well. But then there's this almost family adventure feel to many of the scenes with Mister and Merrin. Their dialogue is too lite and airy, at times, clashing with the more hard edge aspects of the story. Some of the Mister and Merrin scenes go on too long which, to me, means there's too much exposition. Take a look at the Alien script written by Walter Hill. Almost the whole story is told in one-word sentances, but you can envision that entire world. That format won't fully work for your story, but it will give you a solid idea of how efficient a well-written script can be.
Like I mentioned, the lack of an "exit strategy" for Richards with the creatures really bothered me. While this is a horror-fantasy story, you still have to approach it from some measure of reality. The audience has to feel "what would I do in that situation". I hardly think anyone would say "Let's create an uncontrollable army of bood-thirsty ghouls! What could possibly go wrong?"
Mister needs to be more consistently bad-ass. He talks a little too much for a guy with a chip on his shoulder. Gotta think Eastwood's "Man With No Name" hero, and get his talking down to the bare minimum. His dialogue is weak in some spots, especially in his quiet moments with Merrin.
I didn't buy at all that Mister would let Merrin, all of age 9 or 10, run out in the middle of the ghouls and their bloodlustiness to get the kegs of gunpowder. No portion of that scenario made sense and took me out of the story.
A lot of the dialogue throughout the script felt a bit cartoonish and over-wrought, especially for Yates. He's a good but not great villain, and part of that is due to his dialogue. He needs to be great to pull off a story like this. The dialogue needs to be consistant for each character to maintain the tone of the story.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are just my opinions, do with them what you will. Best of luck
The story has some interesting moments, and the attention to detail is impressive - except there's too much detail. All the subtleties and nuances are fine for a novel, but not right for scipt structure. You have to thin the herd of description to the minimum, and get on with the story. A script never wants to stop the reader's eye from moving to the next piece of information. Every sentence is a speed bump, even in the best of scripts. So only include the vital information in a scene description. If you reduce the amount of description to the bare essentials, to three lines or less, you'll probably cut 10-15 pages out of the script.
I think more attention needs to be paid to the overall script format, especially when Mister and Merrin are in and around the cabins and buildings in the Burrow. Because of the level of description, it was a bit confusing at times as to what setting they were in.
The plot needs some work. There needs to be better cohesion to the overall arc of the story. For instance, I never bought that Richards would agree to the whole idea of fostering an army of the undead. That in itself seemed preposterous, even for a horror-fantasy tale like this one. And I never understood what he was going to do with the legion of ghouls after the war. Open a Civil War era Wal-Mart? It didn't make sense, and bugged me for the rest of the script. Same goes for the soldiers who blindly go along with this insane idea. NONE of them would have a problem with walking among these creatures? You have to raise the believability factor.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What worked:
While there is far too much detail, there's a definite feel for the time period. It was easy to imagine the settings, buildings, people and creatures. The early scene with the ghost-woman was well done, if not a tad predictable. But it worked.
The Mister-Yates connection is a good twist. I like the uncertainy of what their relationship is at first. It gets a little predictable towards the end of the story, tho.
I liked how the connection between Mister and Merrin that grew as the story went on. He respected her, and it showed. She should be a little more freaked out by the creatures, in my opinion. She has to be tough and strong willed, as you've written her for the most part. But she's so young, it only makes sense that she'd be panicked around these horrible things.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What didn't:
There's an inconsistency to the tone of the story. There's the horror aspect, which is handled fairly well. But then there's this almost family adventure feel to many of the scenes with Mister and Merrin. Their dialogue is too lite and airy, at times, clashing with the more hard edge aspects of the story. Some of the Mister and Merrin scenes go on too long which, to me, means there's too much exposition. Take a look at the Alien script written by Walter Hill. Almost the whole story is told in one-word sentances, but you can envision that entire world. That format won't fully work for your story, but it will give you a solid idea of how efficient a well-written script can be.
Like I mentioned, the lack of an "exit strategy" for Richards with the creatures really bothered me. While this is a horror-fantasy story, you still have to approach it from some measure of reality. The audience has to feel "what would I do in that situation". I hardly think anyone would say "Let's create an uncontrollable army of bood-thirsty ghouls! What could possibly go wrong?"
Mister needs to be more consistently bad-ass. He talks a little too much for a guy with a chip on his shoulder. Gotta think Eastwood's "Man With No Name" hero, and get his talking down to the bare minimum. His dialogue is weak in some spots, especially in his quiet moments with Merrin.
I didn't buy at all that Mister would let Merrin, all of age 9 or 10, run out in the middle of the ghouls and their bloodlustiness to get the kegs of gunpowder. No portion of that scenario made sense and took me out of the story.
A lot of the dialogue throughout the script felt a bit cartoonish and over-wrought, especially for Yates. He's a good but not great villain, and part of that is due to his dialogue. He needs to be great to pull off a story like this. The dialogue needs to be consistant for each character to maintain the tone of the story.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are just my opinions, do with them what you will. Best of luck
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
If “True Grit” was Re-imagined with Monsters -– And it worked!
Blackburn Burrow by J. H. Levy
I’m not the target audience for this movie, not a big fan of horror/monsters –- and I loved it anyway. You have a wonderful film idea here. I have a few suggestions to make for a cleaner read but you have 98 percent of perfection, in my opinion.
I hope these are helpful.
FOR STARTERS A REWRITTEN PAGE 1:
FADE IN:
EXT. CITY OF ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA – DAY
Haze from the dust kicked-up, main street bustles with men and women, horse drawn carriages and carts compete for space.
SUPER: “September, 1862, Civil War in Full Bloom”
Union SOLDIERS move about singly and in-formation.
A purposeful man, known only as MISTER, walks strong and fast within this busy environment. Clothes hint at a uniform, possibly a soldier or a lawman but no identifying insignias; enshrouded in a long, dark coat meant for rain and cold weather. Mid-thirties made older by the carved lines in his face.
On one hip a LE MAT REVOLVER, and on the other a CALVARY SABER. He decisively turns down a…
RESIDENTIAL STREET
littered with shadows from the giant oaks lining the avenue. Large southern homes with lush lawns proclaim affluence.
A shorter, ROTUND GENTLEMAN, nervously follows a few steps behind. Looks around, pats his forehead with a handkerchief. Struggles keeping up with Mister. For all his nervousness, he is dressed quite smartly with obvious wealth.
Mister stops in front of a large two-story home, surrounded
by brick walls as well as a wrought-iron fence. The barren veranda and obviously neglected garden seem to contradict the hardy structure with no signs of decline. Chain and padlock keep the gate secured.
Rotund Gentleman waddles up. Nervous fingers work the key into the lock. Darting glances look to Mister and avoid his eyes.
++ I think this reads faster and clearer; important for the very first page of your script. ++
SUGGESTIONS below are preceded by “++“ to set them off from your writing.
SUGGESTIONS:
PAGE 2:
++ SUGGEST CUT UNNEEDED SCENE HEADING: EXT. ABANDONED SOUTHERN ESTATE - GARDEN – AFTERNOON
++ SUGGEST CUT: While overgrown, it couldn’t have been untended for more than a season or two.
Midway to the house, he stops and cocks his ear to listen.
There are no sounds. Mister turns to look at a passing
carriage with passengers laughing and talking loudly, but the
sounds don’t carry onto the property. Unconsciously, his hand
moves his coat and rests on the hilt of his saber.
SUGGEST…
++ Stops midway to the house, cocks an ear to listen.
SILENCE. Looks to a passing carriage…
++ Passengers laugh. Talk loudly. Sounds don’t carry to Mister.
++ Hand moves his coat and rests on the hilt of his saber.
PAGE 3:
Facing the door, he begins to curiously examine it and the
frame. The paint is BRIGHT WHITE and IMMACULATELY CLEAN.
He runs a finger down the frame and looks at it; the finger
is covered in GRIME. He tries with the rest of his hand, same
outcome. Mister looks back over his shoulder at the nervous
man waiting at the gate. Mister turns and enters the house, a
steely look on his face.
SUGGEST…
++ He faces the front door, runs a finger down the frame and looks at it. Finger covered in GRIME. Looks back at Mr. Nervous at the gate. With a steely look on his face, turns and enters the house.
INT. ABANDONED SOUTHERN ESTATE – FOYER
SUGGEST…
++ INT. ABANDONED ESTATE FOYER – CONTINUOUS
A voice comes from the stairway which was previously empty. A
stunning southern belle descends the final few steps of the
stairs. This is EMILY SUTTER.
SUGGEST…
++ EMILY SUTTER, a stunning southern belle, suddenly appears and descends the final few stair steps.
MISTER
A pleasure, Mrs. Sutt ...
(Emily cuts him off)
EMILY
(Said seductively)
Miss Sutter, if you please, Mister
SUGGEST…
++ MISTER
++ A pleasure, Mrs. Sutt...
++ Emily cuts him off seductively…
++ EMILY
++ Miss Sutter, if you please, Mister
An uncomfortable silence occurs as she waits for his name,
which he never provides. Emily looks momentarily
disconcerted. Regaining her composure, she begins to slink
towards him slowly. A come-hither smile slides across her
lips.
SUGGEST…
++ Uncomfortable SILENCE. Emily shows her disdain before regaining her composure, slinking towards him slowly. A bizarre come-hither smile slides across her lips.
PAGE 4:
Emily begins to stretch out her arms to him. Mister looks
directly at her.
SUGGEST…
++ Emily stretches arms out. Mister looks directly at her.
Emily looks up at him, and begins to slide her arms around
his to take him into an embrace, then speaks in a laugh
SUGGEST…
++ Emily looks up, sliding her arms around him into an embrace. Words twitter in a laugh…
Emily begins to cup her hands as if to drive the claws into his back and whispers
SUGGEST…
++ Emily cups her hands, ready to drive claws into his back as she whispers…
PAGE 5:
++ TYPO ++ Mister begins a dash a across the room;
When she looks back, he has his LE MAT REVOLVER aimed at her
head.
SUGGEST…
++ She looks back, the LE MAT REVOLVER is aimed at her head.
PAGE 6:
He fires. The shot blows a hole through her forehead. Air
seems to be rushing into it. Emily begins screaming in agony.
SUGGEST…
++ He fires; blows a hole through her forehead. Air rushes into the hole. Emily screams in agony.
PAGE 7:
++ TYPO ++ Private Howards spits towards Mister’s feet. Mister doesn’t move and inch. (an inch)
PAGE 9:
++ TYPO ++ CAPTAIN GIFFORD (28), an attache assigned to Anderson, pins a map to an easel as the men walk enter. (walk enter?)
PAGE 18:
Mister continues on until he is out of sight.
A male voice with some feminine traits pierces the air making
the insane man shudder.
SUGGEST…
++ Mister moves on out of sight. Insane Man closes his eyes.
++ The Insane Man shudders as a male voice with some feminine traits pierces the air…
++ I‘m going to read for story at this point. You have a great writing style and it looks like as long as you concentrate on using the “Progressive Voice” and cleaning up the “Action Lines” as well as condensing, the next rewrite will put this script in perfect order. Very well done, my hat’s off to you. ++
CHARACTER –- I can see no reason to change a single trait, fantastic job, flesh hangs on the bones and then you rip it off. Populated with real, relatable, flawed and intriguing individuals; a major strength of the script.
DIALOGUE –- Very Fine Work, I’d be proud if I were you.
STRUCTURE –- Nicely thought out. I’ve only read this draft so I can’t compare with past versions. Everything progresses well and gives just enough rope to haul us all in by the end; moves with dexterity, energy and purpose.
TITLE –- Perfect.
You create both environment and situations with style. I’d pay to see this! Congratulations and thank you for allowing me to read your work.
Patrick McConnell
generasp@yahoo.com
I’m not the target audience for this movie, not a big fan of horror/monsters –- and I loved it anyway. You have a wonderful film idea here. I have a few suggestions to make for a cleaner read but you have 98 percent of perfection, in my opinion.
I hope these are helpful.
FOR STARTERS A REWRITTEN PAGE 1:
FADE IN:
EXT. CITY OF ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA – DAY
Haze from the dust kicked-up, main street bustles with men and women, horse drawn carriages and carts compete for space.
SUPER: “September, 1862, Civil War in Full Bloom”
Union SOLDIERS move about singly and in-formation.
A purposeful man, known only as MISTER, walks strong and fast within this busy environment. Clothes hint at a uniform, possibly a soldier or a lawman but no identifying insignias; enshrouded in a long, dark coat meant for rain and cold weather. Mid-thirties made older by the carved lines in his face.
On one hip a LE MAT REVOLVER, and on the other a CALVARY SABER. He decisively turns down a…
RESIDENTIAL STREET
littered with shadows from the giant oaks lining the avenue. Large southern homes with lush lawns proclaim affluence.
A shorter, ROTUND GENTLEMAN, nervously follows a few steps behind. Looks around, pats his forehead with a handkerchief. Struggles keeping up with Mister. For all his nervousness, he is dressed quite smartly with obvious wealth.
Mister stops in front of a large two-story home, surrounded
by brick walls as well as a wrought-iron fence. The barren veranda and obviously neglected garden seem to contradict the hardy structure with no signs of decline. Chain and padlock keep the gate secured.
Rotund Gentleman waddles up. Nervous fingers work the key into the lock. Darting glances look to Mister and avoid his eyes.
++ I think this reads faster and clearer; important for the very first page of your script. ++
SUGGESTIONS below are preceded by “++“ to set them off from your writing.
SUGGESTIONS:
PAGE 2:
++ SUGGEST CUT UNNEEDED SCENE HEADING: EXT. ABANDONED SOUTHERN ESTATE - GARDEN – AFTERNOON
++ SUGGEST CUT: While overgrown, it couldn’t have been untended for more than a season or two.
Midway to the house, he stops and cocks his ear to listen.
There are no sounds. Mister turns to look at a passing
carriage with passengers laughing and talking loudly, but the
sounds don’t carry onto the property. Unconsciously, his hand
moves his coat and rests on the hilt of his saber.
SUGGEST…
++ Stops midway to the house, cocks an ear to listen.
SILENCE. Looks to a passing carriage…
++ Passengers laugh. Talk loudly. Sounds don’t carry to Mister.
++ Hand moves his coat and rests on the hilt of his saber.
PAGE 3:
Facing the door, he begins to curiously examine it and the
frame. The paint is BRIGHT WHITE and IMMACULATELY CLEAN.
He runs a finger down the frame and looks at it; the finger
is covered in GRIME. He tries with the rest of his hand, same
outcome. Mister looks back over his shoulder at the nervous
man waiting at the gate. Mister turns and enters the house, a
steely look on his face.
SUGGEST…
++ He faces the front door, runs a finger down the frame and looks at it. Finger covered in GRIME. Looks back at Mr. Nervous at the gate. With a steely look on his face, turns and enters the house.
INT. ABANDONED SOUTHERN ESTATE – FOYER
SUGGEST…
++ INT. ABANDONED ESTATE FOYER – CONTINUOUS
A voice comes from the stairway which was previously empty. A
stunning southern belle descends the final few steps of the
stairs. This is EMILY SUTTER.
SUGGEST…
++ EMILY SUTTER, a stunning southern belle, suddenly appears and descends the final few stair steps.
MISTER
A pleasure, Mrs. Sutt ...
(Emily cuts him off)
EMILY
(Said seductively)
Miss Sutter, if you please, Mister
SUGGEST…
++ MISTER
++ A pleasure, Mrs. Sutt...
++ Emily cuts him off seductively…
++ EMILY
++ Miss Sutter, if you please, Mister
An uncomfortable silence occurs as she waits for his name,
which he never provides. Emily looks momentarily
disconcerted. Regaining her composure, she begins to slink
towards him slowly. A come-hither smile slides across her
lips.
SUGGEST…
++ Uncomfortable SILENCE. Emily shows her disdain before regaining her composure, slinking towards him slowly. A bizarre come-hither smile slides across her lips.
PAGE 4:
Emily begins to stretch out her arms to him. Mister looks
directly at her.
SUGGEST…
++ Emily stretches arms out. Mister looks directly at her.
Emily looks up at him, and begins to slide her arms around
his to take him into an embrace, then speaks in a laugh
SUGGEST…
++ Emily looks up, sliding her arms around him into an embrace. Words twitter in a laugh…
Emily begins to cup her hands as if to drive the claws into his back and whispers
SUGGEST…
++ Emily cups her hands, ready to drive claws into his back as she whispers…
PAGE 5:
++ TYPO ++ Mister begins a dash a across the room;
When she looks back, he has his LE MAT REVOLVER aimed at her
head.
SUGGEST…
++ She looks back, the LE MAT REVOLVER is aimed at her head.
PAGE 6:
He fires. The shot blows a hole through her forehead. Air
seems to be rushing into it. Emily begins screaming in agony.
SUGGEST…
++ He fires; blows a hole through her forehead. Air rushes into the hole. Emily screams in agony.
PAGE 7:
++ TYPO ++ Private Howards spits towards Mister’s feet. Mister doesn’t move and inch. (an inch)
PAGE 9:
++ TYPO ++ CAPTAIN GIFFORD (28), an attache assigned to Anderson, pins a map to an easel as the men walk enter. (walk enter?)
PAGE 18:
Mister continues on until he is out of sight.
A male voice with some feminine traits pierces the air making
the insane man shudder.
SUGGEST…
++ Mister moves on out of sight. Insane Man closes his eyes.
++ The Insane Man shudders as a male voice with some feminine traits pierces the air…
++ I‘m going to read for story at this point. You have a great writing style and it looks like as long as you concentrate on using the “Progressive Voice” and cleaning up the “Action Lines” as well as condensing, the next rewrite will put this script in perfect order. Very well done, my hat’s off to you. ++
CHARACTER –- I can see no reason to change a single trait, fantastic job, flesh hangs on the bones and then you rip it off. Populated with real, relatable, flawed and intriguing individuals; a major strength of the script.
DIALOGUE –- Very Fine Work, I’d be proud if I were you.
STRUCTURE –- Nicely thought out. I’ve only read this draft so I can’t compare with past versions. Everything progresses well and gives just enough rope to haul us all in by the end; moves with dexterity, energy and purpose.
TITLE –- Perfect.
You create both environment and situations with style. I’d pay to see this! Congratulations and thank you for allowing me to read your work.
Patrick McConnell
generasp@yahoo.com
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Great Characters / Great Dialogue / Great Story = Winner
I loved this story. Mister is a strong character that I think actors would jump at playing. And I love the character of Merrin. I will say that the characters felt familiar because that type of relationship has been done many times before but the uniqueness of the story made it fresh. I
think it was great that it was set during the Civil War. Setting the story in that time period gives it its own type of creepiness to begin with.
I think the description writing could use some work to tighten it up and get rid of unnecessary words. I have examples below in my notes.
The story starts off great in setting the tone. You know what type of movie you are watching right from the start. You also set up a lot of questions that need to be answered. It hooked me and kept me reading. That is the first major hurdle, hook the reader. You did it great.
What I would like to see at the end is if Mister’s son could come back spiritually to finish off the injured monster. Not sure how it can be incorporated right off hand but it may provide another dramatic moment between father and son.
I would also like to see Merrin in some sort of peril in the end battle. Raise the stakes a bit more.
You have injected a nice sense of humor into the horror / action aspects of the screenplay. It is fun, entertaining, and scary all at the same time.
Very nice job.
Below are some notes that I wrote as I read through the screenplay.
Page 1 into 2
You set the stage nicely. I think your description can be cut down and trimmed a bit but I believe that is more personal style than an actual problem. For example, I would do the following:
Here is the original:
-------
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
The street is littered with shadows from the giant oaks lining the avenue. Large southern homes with lush lawns indicate an affluent area.
Mister stops in front of a large two-story home, surrounded by a wall and a wrought-iron fence. The house sports a barren veranda and an obviously neglected garden, however the structure itself shows no signs of decline.
A chain and padlock keep the gate secured.
The portly fellow waddles up and, with nervous fingers, works a key into the lock and opens the gate.
--------
I would write as follows:
--------
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
Giant oaks line the avenue. Large southern homes. Lush lawns.
Mister stops in front of a large two-story home, surrounded by a wall and a wrought-iron fence. Barren veranda. Neglected garden.
A chain and padlock keep the gate secure.
The portly fellow waddles up. Nervously, he works a key into the lock. Opens the gate.
--------
I think using bullet sentences like this will strengthen your action sequences like the one on page 4.
Here is how you have it written:
-------
Emily gasps in surprise, then hisses and sneers. Her HAIR lengthens, her bangs falling into her face covering her eyes, falling down her back. The hair is wiry, old, greasy. Her skin tightens to a grey leather, her gown shreds, revealing more of her ghastly yet still feminine form.
A sound like a gale rushes all around them, and as Mister charges the ghost with his blade, a chair slams into his head and torso. He’s knocked back several feet, but manages to catch himself in a crouched position. Blood streams from a cut above his eye.
-------
Here is how I would write it:
-------
Emily gasps in surprise. Hisses. Sneers. Her hair lengthens. Old. Wiry. Greasy. Bangs fall into her face, covering her eyes. Her skin tightens to a grey leather. Gown shreds, revealing her ghastly yet feminine form.
A gale like sound rushes around them. Mister chargers. Blade drawn. A chair slams into his head and torso. He’s knocked back several feet. Catches himself in a crouched position. Blood streams from a gash above his eye.
-----
As written right now in the screenplay, even though the action is fast paced the reading is still running slow with the overly descriptive text. Your style of writing can do fine for slower paced scenes but it really hampers scenes with a lot of action.
However, I don't think this screenplay should ever be turned away because of that. It is more a style preference and I come more from the Shane Black style. The important thing is story which I believe you nailed.
I love your dialogue. Very strong. It flows smoothly and sounds very natural. Each character sounds unique which is often hard to do.
Page 8
Mister’s line “Of course, Sergeant” felt out of place for his character. Remove it and you’ll be fine.
Page 8
Just a slight typo. In the paragraph starting WILLIAM MARLOW…..you have “on the” twice.
Page 9
Another typo. In the paragraph starting CAPTAIN GIFFORD…..you have “as the men walk enter.” I think you mean as the men enter.
This story is set up magnificently. You have set up a lot of questions and ignited the plot and subplots so it hooks the reader.
Page 20
You have created some very vivid imagery that will look great on the big screen. The dead man standing in the road and then getting closer is an awesome visual.
Page 24
Typo….you have MASTER but no dialogue at the bottom of the page.
Page 32
The line that Mister says starting with “This whole situation is strange” seems a bit on the nose. It isn’t bad but your dialogue was flowing so perfectly that this one jumped out at me. I’d probably leave off the “this whole situation is strange” sentence. The rest is fine.
Page 33
Again, I would leave off the sentence “You never know what’s important” sentence. Just have Mister give a shrug or some other body movement. Or maybe just write “ Never know.”
I love the Merrin character. Excellent unique dialogue. I can easily picture this character.
Page 57
Previously you were using CONT’D for split dialogue sections. Now you aren’t. It doesn’t matter which you use, just stay consistent. I think this was just an oversight.
Page 69
Typo. In Yates’ first dialogue section, I think it should be “this nation will be united once again.”
Page 75
Where Merrin interrupts Mister I would use “--"
The “…” shows trailing off. A “--" shows that he was cut off.
Page 82
The dream sequence with Merrin and Mister seems pretty predictable because it has been done so many times before so it lost its entire surprise factor. It’s kind of a useless scene in my opinion. It won’t be missed if it’s gone but it will stand out as cliché if left in.
AWESOME JOB!
think it was great that it was set during the Civil War. Setting the story in that time period gives it its own type of creepiness to begin with.
I think the description writing could use some work to tighten it up and get rid of unnecessary words. I have examples below in my notes.
The story starts off great in setting the tone. You know what type of movie you are watching right from the start. You also set up a lot of questions that need to be answered. It hooked me and kept me reading. That is the first major hurdle, hook the reader. You did it great.
What I would like to see at the end is if Mister’s son could come back spiritually to finish off the injured monster. Not sure how it can be incorporated right off hand but it may provide another dramatic moment between father and son.
I would also like to see Merrin in some sort of peril in the end battle. Raise the stakes a bit more.
You have injected a nice sense of humor into the horror / action aspects of the screenplay. It is fun, entertaining, and scary all at the same time.
Very nice job.
Below are some notes that I wrote as I read through the screenplay.
Page 1 into 2
You set the stage nicely. I think your description can be cut down and trimmed a bit but I believe that is more personal style than an actual problem. For example, I would do the following:
Here is the original:
-------
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
The street is littered with shadows from the giant oaks lining the avenue. Large southern homes with lush lawns indicate an affluent area.
Mister stops in front of a large two-story home, surrounded by a wall and a wrought-iron fence. The house sports a barren veranda and an obviously neglected garden, however the structure itself shows no signs of decline.
A chain and padlock keep the gate secured.
The portly fellow waddles up and, with nervous fingers, works a key into the lock and opens the gate.
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I would write as follows:
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EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
Giant oaks line the avenue. Large southern homes. Lush lawns.
Mister stops in front of a large two-story home, surrounded by a wall and a wrought-iron fence. Barren veranda. Neglected garden.
A chain and padlock keep the gate secure.
The portly fellow waddles up. Nervously, he works a key into the lock. Opens the gate.
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I think using bullet sentences like this will strengthen your action sequences like the one on page 4.
Here is how you have it written:
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Emily gasps in surprise, then hisses and sneers. Her HAIR lengthens, her bangs falling into her face covering her eyes, falling down her back. The hair is wiry, old, greasy. Her skin tightens to a grey leather, her gown shreds, revealing more of her ghastly yet still feminine form.
A sound like a gale rushes all around them, and as Mister charges the ghost with his blade, a chair slams into his head and torso. He’s knocked back several feet, but manages to catch himself in a crouched position. Blood streams from a cut above his eye.
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Here is how I would write it:
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Emily gasps in surprise. Hisses. Sneers. Her hair lengthens. Old. Wiry. Greasy. Bangs fall into her face, covering her eyes. Her skin tightens to a grey leather. Gown shreds, revealing her ghastly yet feminine form.
A gale like sound rushes around them. Mister chargers. Blade drawn. A chair slams into his head and torso. He’s knocked back several feet. Catches himself in a crouched position. Blood streams from a gash above his eye.
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As written right now in the screenplay, even though the action is fast paced the reading is still running slow with the overly descriptive text. Your style of writing can do fine for slower paced scenes but it really hampers scenes with a lot of action.
However, I don't think this screenplay should ever be turned away because of that. It is more a style preference and I come more from the Shane Black style. The important thing is story which I believe you nailed.
I love your dialogue. Very strong. It flows smoothly and sounds very natural. Each character sounds unique which is often hard to do.
Page 8
Mister’s line “Of course, Sergeant” felt out of place for his character. Remove it and you’ll be fine.
Page 8
Just a slight typo. In the paragraph starting WILLIAM MARLOW…..you have “on the” twice.
Page 9
Another typo. In the paragraph starting CAPTAIN GIFFORD…..you have “as the men walk enter.” I think you mean as the men enter.
This story is set up magnificently. You have set up a lot of questions and ignited the plot and subplots so it hooks the reader.
Page 20
You have created some very vivid imagery that will look great on the big screen. The dead man standing in the road and then getting closer is an awesome visual.
Page 24
Typo….you have MASTER but no dialogue at the bottom of the page.
Page 32
The line that Mister says starting with “This whole situation is strange” seems a bit on the nose. It isn’t bad but your dialogue was flowing so perfectly that this one jumped out at me. I’d probably leave off the “this whole situation is strange” sentence. The rest is fine.
Page 33
Again, I would leave off the sentence “You never know what’s important” sentence. Just have Mister give a shrug or some other body movement. Or maybe just write “ Never know.”
I love the Merrin character. Excellent unique dialogue. I can easily picture this character.
Page 57
Previously you were using CONT’D for split dialogue sections. Now you aren’t. It doesn’t matter which you use, just stay consistent. I think this was just an oversight.
Page 69
Typo. In Yates’ first dialogue section, I think it should be “this nation will be united once again.”
Page 75
Where Merrin interrupts Mister I would use “--"
The “…” shows trailing off. A “--" shows that he was cut off.
Page 82
The dream sequence with Merrin and Mister seems pretty predictable because it has been done so many times before so it lost its entire surprise factor. It’s kind of a useless scene in my opinion. It won’t be missed if it’s gone but it will stand out as cliché if left in.
AWESOME JOB!
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From Dark to Light.
Story Structure- The finest scripts are outlined with perfection. There are a lot of things you should work on, when writing action headings, the sentences that display the movement of the characters. In fact there were tons of parts, where i did not know if it were day or night. These simple details can be changed by simply placing a reminder on top every action heading for ex: Int. Cabin. Day, Int. Bedroom. night, Ext. Wilderness.Day, Ext. Grove. Use times of day like .Sunrise or .Midnight only a few times in a screenplay, the rest of the time it must be Day. Night. A certain amount of pages represent one day a & a certain amount of pages represent one night.
Character- It takes at least 12 to 25 characters to fill a full feature screenplay. Although describing the characters in detail should be set aside on another document & not on the script itself. For instance creating a Character bio would be an excellent idea, portraying your characters fully.
Dialogue- It was well written, dialogue was not out of date lining up with the civil war. Very well written.
Emotion- When creating motion writers look for certain words like: Blazing, fiery, Unhappy, Silence & Chuckle, which you used most of them but not all. Keep that in mind.
Character- It takes at least 12 to 25 characters to fill a full feature screenplay. Although describing the characters in detail should be set aside on another document & not on the script itself. For instance creating a Character bio would be an excellent idea, portraying your characters fully.
Dialogue- It was well written, dialogue was not out of date lining up with the civil war. Very well written.
Emotion- When creating motion writers look for certain words like: Blazing, fiery, Unhappy, Silence & Chuckle, which you used most of them but not all. Keep that in mind.
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The character of Mister is just a Mystery but it is what it makes you feel interested in his story. Not knowing so much about him it is the point and it works great. Merry, however, it is awesome. She could be one of the most iconic heroines of the cinema, if this movie is released and she has a good actress because the character has all that needs to make that people love and had fun with her. She gives to the story the emotional part that in sometimes lacks a bit. But it is okay, do not worry.
I think the idea it is quite original because it does not fall in the typical zombie/ vampire monsters. They are creatures, evil creatures but we do not know which are they or where they come from. We do not even know what Yates it is. The only thing that we know is that he has styled the body of Mister's soon.
A lot of questions, good action and a funny and lovely character that gives to this movie a lot of spice to have success.
Good luck.