All Reviews

Overall, tightly written and fairly compelling. The action is hard and fast, which what this kind of story thrives on. There were a few issues for me:

A lot of the dialogue needs to be punched up. Too much was "on the nose", or not interesting to read. Some of it might work okay for a graphic novel, but not for a script. Especially the dialogue for Capone and Nitti. They need dialogue that fits the criminal legends that they are. There was nothing compelling in any of their verbal interactions. The dialogue for Lindbergh and Condon suffers much of the same fate. There are almost no quotable lines. You need that for the "afterlife" of the movie/graphic novel (ie repeat DVD rentals/downloads, more novel purchases, social network chatter, etc.). I think it is vital for a story of this nature (actually, most films in general) to be as quotable as possible, to keep the public talking. Just my opinion.

There may be too much action. While the action is well written, much of it feels perfunctory and not organic to the story. For instance the "incident" in the first act at Evelyn's apartment (or is it Knox's) and what happens with Evelyn and Jimmy. It didn't feel right. It felt like an excuse to get Knox pissed off and get him into the next action sequence. The roadside cafe where Knox and O'Toole start their showdown, also didn't feel right. Some action scenes goes on a bit too long.

There was also a nice opportunity to parallel Knox and Linbergh's stories. Instead of taking out Jimmy so early, maybe he disappears, too? Knox still gets put in the same position to help Lindbergh, sees similarities to his own missing child. Lindbergh and Knox both share a desperate search. One man finds his child alive. The other, not so lucky. The story (with a few minor changes) can still play out as is.

A lot of Lindbergh's actions were a bit questionable. I didn't buy his trusting Knox so easily, and blindly following anything Knox tells him to do, even if Knox is the hero of the story. Anne really isn't much of a character. I think there's room for her to bring a little more heat to the situation of her missing child.

I think you overplayed your hand with Violet's involvement in the case. I knew way too early how that was going to play out. The on-going "brown-suit"/cemetery grew a little tiresome.

These are just my opinions. Do with them what you will. Overall, nice job. Best of luck with it.

Well Randy, you can really write!

Great twist makes this 20’s era Who-Done-It high on my list. Your work, research especially, has garnered something both exciting and entertaining, with a new look at history. You’ve managed to make Knox both wicked and gallant; not a small feet to humanize a “Serial-Killer-Type” mafia hit man. The journey delights with eye popping visuals interlaced with mind bending turns. Then you twist history on its ear –- bite the ear off even.

Format and language skills are at the highest caliber.

You made something high voltage and touching –- HIGH FIVE!!!

Two small mentions --

PAGE 11:

Then he muscles the BODYGUARD into
the pitch. ++ I FOUND THIS CONFUSING ++

PAGE 70:

TYPO ++ CONDON waits at the entrance. He nears a noise.(hears)

Thank you for allowing me to read, and enjoy. CONGRATUALTIONS!

Patrick McConnell
generasp@yahoo.com